Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce. My husband has been cheating on me." "That is a serious accusation," the judge said. "Do you have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's infidelity?" "Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another woman." "Who was this other woman?" the judge asked. "I don't know. I never saw her before." "Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she was. It may have been just a harmless coincidence. You should have gone in after them." "I would have," she explained, "but the fellow I was with had already seen the picture."
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A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper. The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287. He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper."
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Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law: Each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom -- Keep up the good work!"
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My two-year-old daughter, Paige, was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Paige kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.
With about six other patients waiting, Paige marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.
"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"
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A doctor always stopped off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender had the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, the bartender was dismayed to find
he had no hazelnut extract. So he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc." ...
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A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids -- it's three dollars a pound!'"
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Recently a young woman came into my pals insurance office with her newborn twins. He asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart. She gave him a funny look before responding, "No, I haven't had any problem. This is Gary, and his sister, Elizabeth."
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Ebay Hurricaine wind? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*More Church Bulletin Bloopers*
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch on Sun. will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a very minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, and dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help prepare the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and kool aid that morning.
Remember the youth rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order
In response to bringing your pets, Mrs Taylor has volunteered to bring her fat to the children's bible class for all to enjoy.
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After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the all-female platoon stood in front of the barracks.
"All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would that be?"
Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row.....
"My recruiter!!"
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