Signs in too many kitchens...
Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!
I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards.
You may touch the dust in this house ... but please don't write in it!
Apology ... Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
Gardening forever . . . Housework, never!
Dull women have immaculate houses.
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Little Billy, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin, and kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before his grandfather did, Little Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights...."
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Notoriously tight with his money, a Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.
"£85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply.
"Och hev ye no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist.
"What about if yer din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for £70" said the dentist.
"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anaesthetic" said the Scotsman.
"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say £40" said the dentist.
"Och that's still a bit much, how about if yer make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully.
"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only £5 in that case," said the dentist.
"Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman. "Can yer confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?"
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A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings.
They dialed the number and then together, sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."
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A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.' So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money..."
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