"Not every woman can wear this," the salesgirl says, as she slips the dress out of my hands and hangs it back on the rack. If this chick ate a grape, she'd look like a pregnant thermometer. I figure I can take her.

"Look," I say, lifting the dress back off the rack, "this ain't 'Pretty Woman' and I'm not Julia Roberts."

"Too bad," the salesgirl says, as she jerks the dress out of my hand and welds it back on the rack. "Because Julia Roberts is a size 4, and so is this dress."

I can't tell you what a thrill it is to discover that I was exactly the same size as Julia Roberts -- during my first week of fetal formation.

"The main problem is your hips," the salesgirl notes as she scans me up and down using a wide-angle lens. "The rest of you seems fairly normal."

Based on today's fashions, women with hips are an
endangered species. Someday, schoolchildren will
gather around my skeleton while a teacher describes that time in history when women with giant hips walked the Earth.

"Gimme me that dress!" I growl through gritted teeth. Grabbing the hanger off the rack, I make a dash toward the dressing room. Weaving and ducking, I knock emaciated shoppers out of the way like "Night of the Living Dead."

Finding an open stall, I run inside, slam the door and slide the latch. On the wall is a little sign that says, YOU STRETCH IT . . . YOU BUY IT.

Kicking off my Reeboks, I drop my jeans to the floor and toss my T-shirt on the hook. Stepping into the dress, I wiggle it into position, suck my belly button to my back- bone and zip.

Holding my breath I take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror.

I'd say it was a perfect fit -- if I was an Oscar Mayer wiener. Not only can you see my panty lines, you can identify most of my major organs.

Of course, none of this matters anyway. I just caught a glimpse of the price tag. I can't afford the hanger, much less the dress.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Magic Spells That Work

Spell to Get Measles
1. Find someone who has measles.
2. Lick them.

Spell to Turn Day Into Night
1) Stand facing a large tree or wall.
2) Close eyes tightly.
3) Keeping eyes closed, run straight ahead as fast
as you can.

Spell to Breathe Under-Water
1) Attach concrete block to your feet.
2) Jump into water.
3) Breathe normally and sing the tune to "Flipper".
4) Takes about 5 minutes for lungs to adjust.

Spell to Commune With Pink Elephants
1) Pour glass of vodka or alcoholic drink of choice.
2) Drink.
3) Repeat steps 1-3.

Spell to Attract Lightning
1) Cover yourself in metal: jewellery, chains, golf
clubs, nails, nuts & bolts, hub-caps. Etc.
2) Go out into a thunderstorm and hold a long TV
antenna high in the air.
3) Wait.

Spell to Stop a Runny Nose
1. Get two cotton balls.
2. Shove one up each nostril.
3. Tape them there.

Spell to Make a Person fall in Love with You
1. Call person at least thirty times a day.
2. Park outside their house and shut your headlights
off.
3. Leave sweet tokens on doorstep (i.e.-roses without
petals, a nice headless Barbie doll...).
4. Follow them everywhere they go... careful, they'll
try to lose you!
5. Don't worry if they get that silly restraining order,
that means the spell is working!

Spell to Make Your Computer Fast
1. Open Window.
2. Throw Computer out window.
(If the computer hit ground really fast, the spell worked.)

Spell to Save on Gas
1. Cut holes in floorboards of car.
2. Remove shoes.
3. While still seated, pedal feet really fast.
4. Scream "Yabba Dabba Do!"
Optional: Invite passengers to join in the fun!

A Spell to Go to the Bathroom
1) Drink so much water that you think you will burst.
2) Drink another glass anyway.
3) Wait ten minutes, then guzzle a can of Pepsi.
4) Repeat step 3 as often as desired to increase the
spell's effect.

Alternate Spell to Go to the Bathroom
1. Eat a bushel of prunes.
2. Take a dose of Exlax.
3. Wait. Stay close to the bathroom!