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A little levity

Posted By: embie

A little levity - 10/15/01 02:46 PM

You may have all read these before, but I was just in the mood for a couple of chuckles so I decided to post these here...

If it's ok with the Cruel Dictator, I'd like to add to it as I find others that tickle my fancy <img src="tongue.gif" border="0" alt="" />

I know some days I need to start off the day with a smile laugh

______________________________________
DRUG STORE:
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/15/01 08:28 PM

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio
conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15
degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your
course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.
I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/16/01 01:12 AM

laugh

"A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding."

The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that"

"WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"

Curious, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/16/01 09:47 AM

On their way to a justice of the peace to get
married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a
couple of months... and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returned after yet
another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get
married in Heaven." "Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto
the ground. "What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple. "COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"

ouch! laugh
Posted By: Kingpin

Re: A little levity - 10/16/01 12:28 PM

What common words, phrases and sounds actually mean, when a woman says them...

Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sighs: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.

Oh (as the lead to a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...
Posted By: Kingpin

Re: A little levity - 10/16/01 01:47 PM

Answering machine at the Mental Hospital...

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ...

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/16/01 02:44 PM

ROFLOLOLOL at all of you!

(That's Okay) laugh
Posted By: Kingpin

Re: A little levity - 10/16/01 04:44 PM

These epitaphs are reported to be from actual tombstones...

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.



In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767



In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.



Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.



Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.



In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.



A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.



A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.



Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.



Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.



In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"



John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.



On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.



In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.



Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.



More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.



Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.



On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.



The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"



Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.



In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/17/01 02:39 AM

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
help
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/17/01 04:02 AM

Got a letter from Grandma the other day.

She writes...the other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is...and I didn't notice that thelight had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good lucksign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when Inoticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out ofthe window and gave them the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Love, Grandma smash

[ 10-16-2001: Message edited by: embie ]
Posted By: delight

Re: A little levity - 10/17/01 04:36 AM

AHHHHHHHH...the joy of being so blissfully ignorant!!!!! ROFLOL!!!! That one was great, Embie! laugh laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 12:43 AM

<img src="tongue.gif" border="0" alt="" />

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 04:48 AM

A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 30

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out. <img src="eek.gif" border="0" alt="" />

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead. smash
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 04:51 AM

ummmmm.. that's a 3.5 inch floppy... <img src="tongue.gif" border="0" alt="" />
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 04:54 AM

[Linked Image]
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 04:59 AM

back away from the edge, embie...back slowly away... tipsy
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 05:00 AM

spooked you, eh?

hoppy
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 05:09 AM

thought so... wink
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 05:32 AM

nah...wasn't spooked, I was feeling sorry for ya tongue <img src="tongue.gif" border="0" alt="" />

Actual Speeding Ticket Incidents;
GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for
speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he
discovered the problem-a 10 year old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer
then found a young accomplice down the road with
a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.
(And we used to just sell lemonade.)

BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.

BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the
motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes... smash DOH!

[ 10-17-2001: Message edited by: embie ]
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 05:56 AM

this threads seems to be trying to go a strange direction... here's a different line <img src="wink.gif" border="0" alt="" />

Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again, dear?" There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?"
Posted By: delight

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 06:15 AM

I like embie's better! laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 06:28 AM

Finding The Lord

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am." The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not!" said the drunk again. Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??" The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


tee hee!
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 06:39 AM

Love that one Steve laugh

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 06:54 AM

This very old couple were concerned because they were becoming quite forgetful so they decided to see a doctor to relieve their anxieties.

The doctor explained that they were just aging and it was time that they began to write everything down.

So the couple agreed and left the office feeling better. As they were settling down in front of the tv, the wife told her husband that she was hungry and wanted some ice cream. He said he would get it for her and she told him he should write it down. He looked at her with a smirk and said, it's ice cream, I don't need to write that down. Oh, she said..but I want hot fudge on it...write it down. Getting annoyed, he says, I've got it...ice cream with hot fudge. Oh, but I want nuts and whipped cream and a cherry...you must write all of that down. Really angry now, he repeats the order word for word and storms out of the room. Time passes and more time passes and then finally he comes back with her snack. He hands her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon and a glass of juice. She looks at him totally triumphant and says... "You forgot my toast!" smash
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 04:42 PM

edited by request... smile

[ 10-18-2001: Message edited by: embie ]
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 05:11 PM

embie, no offense but can you edit your post above? Whoever wrote that stuff got the facts all wrong...... so its not even funny......

aleina
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 05:20 PM

It was a spoof on American televison and not supposed to be factual. Sorry for the misunderstanding. <img src="smile.gif" border="0" alt="" />
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 06:14 PM

<img src="tongue.gif" border="0" alt="" />

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 07:36 PM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, Arial">Originally posted by embie:
<strong>sorry if I offended you aleina, I would never do that intentionally frown

It's just that I dont think this is the place to spread that kind of... stuff...

aleina
Posted By: Kingpin

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 08:10 PM

easy tiger...back away from the edge embie...back away from the edge....try thinking about pigs. laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 08:31 PM

OMG.... one can only dream... help


Tsk Tsk Tsk... such a waste smash
Posted By: delight

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 08:52 PM

huh?????????? <img src="confused.gif" border="0" alt="" />
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/18/01 09:26 PM

sorry... just had to "correct" a youngster about his "inside joke"... <img src="eek.gif" border="0" alt="" />

didn't mean to disrupt the thread rolleyes
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/19/01 05:46 AM

How to Talk to Your Spouse

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that bathrobe.
Posted By: delight

Re: A little levity - 10/19/01 06:11 AM

Thanks for the belly laugh, Steve! I needed that!!! laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/19/01 02:29 PM

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House", in French, is feminine - "la maison"
"Pencil", in French, is masculine - "le crayon".

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her older French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether
"computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should
definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their
internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but they are still
clueless;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have
gotten a better model.

The women won.
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/19/01 10:12 PM

Kids on Marriage...

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that
you like sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way
before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
person FOREVER!!! by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a
fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN
COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING
SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would
call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote
about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then
you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T
GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-Kevin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if
she looks like a truck.
-Ricky, age 10

I think Ricky will have a very happy marriage laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/20/01 10:20 PM

Love all of those embie and steve laugh laugh

here's one pretty funny:

http://www.madblast.com/oska/bin.cfm
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/21/01 12:34 AM

ROFLOLOLOL that IS hilarious! laugh

Honesty now...how many of you started to dance to it??? I did and it was a blast!!!
Those mouths and bongos reminded me of Conan O'Brien... OMG he is hysterical!!! jumpy

[ 10-20-2001: Message edited by: embie ]
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/21/01 06:34 AM

Yeah... powell and bush were the funniest parts laugh
Posted By: Mango

Re: A little levity - 10/21/01 07:34 AM

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas. THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGO's will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV cmmercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Posted By: pepe'

Re: A little levity - 10/21/01 07:41 PM

laugh

Here's a leetle more direct route to that "Daylight Come and Me Drop De Bomb!" :

http://www.madblast.com/oska/humor_bin.swf

The Non Conforming Sparrow
Once upon a time, there was a non conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The moral of this story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if your warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut. tipsy
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/22/01 06:07 AM

T-Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them...
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus.

Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.

She Who MUST be obeyed

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.

I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

I love my cat. My cat does not care.

If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.

Only in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it’s all about?

Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.

Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

No one pays attention until you make a mistake.

Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.

If I save time, when do I get it back?

A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Are you sure I’m (age)? I want a recount!

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Born free. Taxed to death.

If “pro” is the opposite of “con,” is progress the opposite of congress?

All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often.

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine!

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Life is too short. Don't be a jerk.

Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...?

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Women have PMS. Men have ESPN.

Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.

Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich.

Who do you want to talk to: 1) the man is charge or 2) the woman who really knows what’s going on?

If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I’m living in the pits!

Barney sucks.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I’m not going.

If you scratch your rear, don’t bite your fingernails.

Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money.

If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in basement.

Fart in church, and you’ll sit in own pew.

Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.

It’s not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It’s the jerks.

I don’t know what I want, but I do know I don’t have it.

People who give back their ill-gotten gains are reformed crocks. People who keep most of the loot and only give back a little are philanthropists.

Once you’ve climbed the ladder of success, you’re over the hill.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.

Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do.

Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. .

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of the dog, it’s too dark to read.

I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

The screw up fairy has visited us again.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a care.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade my job for what's behind door #1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain)

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.

Constant change is here to stay.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Don’t be old until you have lived!

Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today’s good stuff.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.

Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!

Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.
Posted By: pepe'

Re: A little levity - 10/22/01 06:09 PM

Amore` those! Merci!


How to give a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve the @#%! cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little *^%)*&%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak fillet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from Hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters......

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese ruff
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/22/01 06:53 PM

Men have ALL the breaks! smash

IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN!

My last name stays put.
The garage is all mine.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
I can be president.
Car mechanics tell me the truth.
I don't give a rat's patootie if someone doesn't
notice my new haircut.
I never have to drive to another gas station
because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle my feet.
My pals can be trusted never to trap me with "So,
notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the dang time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
I know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
I can open all my own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob me blind.
I can leave the motel bed unmade.
I can kill my own food.
I get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite me to something, he or she can still be my friend.
My underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If I'm 34 (38...modified for Allen <img src="tongue.gif" border="0" alt="" /> ) and single, nobody notices.
Everything on my face stays its original color.
I can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
I don't have to clean my apartment if the maid is
coming.
I can quietly watch a game with my buddy for
hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
I don't mooch off other's desserts.
I can drop by to see a friend without having to
bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same
outfit, we just might become lifelong friends.
I am not expected to know the names of more than
five colors.
I don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
I am unable to see wrinkles in my clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
I don't have to shave below my neck.
My belly usually hides my big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all
seasons.
I can "do" my nails with a pocketknife. (for pepe laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/22/01 07:43 PM

OK, now I feel better <img src="smile.gif" border="0" alt="" />
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/24/01 12:48 AM

Nation's Grandmas Halt Production Of Afghan Blankets

WASHINGTON, DC— In a show of support for the U.S., the nation's grandmas announced plans Monday to stop knitting afghan blankets. "We must do our part to stand behind our country," said spokesgrandma Nettie Bennett, 87. "Even if it means my new grandson will have to sleep with a store-bought comforter, I will not make something named after a place that lets terrorists run around all willy-nilly."
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 10/24/01 04:47 PM

Allen, that is awful....ly funny.... <img src="redface.gif" border="0" alt="" />

Three guys walk into a bar and one duck

Marine basket ball:
- Can we get a wet towel? There is a dry spot here, someone might get hurt!

If you work at Microsoft, are you allowed to eat apples?

Why is it so hard to get into the Microsoft office? The building has no doors, only windows!

aleina
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/25/01 06:19 AM

HEE HEE!!!!!!!

(now some of these are painful!)

HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST?
* THEY TAKE THE PSYCHO PATH.
=========
HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
* YOU BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT.
=========
WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
* DAM!
==========
WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
* POLAROIDS
==========
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
* A STICK.
==========
WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
* NACHO CHEESE.
==========
WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
* SUBORDINATE CLAUSES.
==========
WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
* QUATTRO SINKO.
==========
WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
* SPOILED MILK.
===========
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
* FROSTBITE.
===========
WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
*A NERVOUS WRECK.
===========
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
* ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF
===========
WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
* RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT HIM.
===========
WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
* BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS.
===========
WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
* BECAUSE IT SCARES THE DOG.
===========
WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
* SANKA
===========
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
* THE LOCATION OF THE DIRT BAG.
===========
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
* A BAD GOLFER GOES, WHACK, DANG IT!.
* A BAD SKYDIVER GOES DANG IT!! WHACK
===========
HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
* UNIQUE UP ON IT.
===========
HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
* TAME WAY, UNIQUE UP ON IT.
===========
WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
* SKEET.
===========
WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
* AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING
===========
HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A ARKANSAS DIVORCE THE SAME?
* SOMEBODY'S GONNA LOSE A TRAILER
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/25/01 12:03 PM

A drunk had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called...you left your wheelchair there again."
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/25/01 04:15 PM

Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a
bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print
editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with
tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores
with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of
exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for
Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of
The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired
of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

I've added my own little twist here...

12. Born-Again Barbie...all those things above and still she's beautiful in the eyes of God laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/26/01 05:43 AM

AN ILLINOIS MAN LEFT THE STREETS OF CHICAGO FOR A FLORIDA VACATION. HIS WIFE WAS ON A BUSINESS TRIP AND WAS PLANNING TO MEET UP WITH HER HUSBAND IN FLORIDA THE NEXT DAY. WHEN HE REACHED HIS HOTEL, HE DECIDED TO SEND HIS WIFE A QUICK E-MAIL.

UNABLE TO FIND THE SCRAP OF PAPER ON WHICH HE HAD JOTTED HER E-MAIL ADDRESS, HE DID HIS BEST TO TYPE IT FROM MEMORY.

UNFORTUNATELY, HE MISSED JUST ONE LETTER....AND HIS NOTE WAS DIRECTED INSTEAD....TO AN ELDERLY PREACHER'S WIFE WHOSE HUSBAND HAD PASSED AWAY JUST THE DAY BEFORE.

WHEN THE GRIEVING WIDOW CHECKED HER E-MAIL, SHE TOOK ONE LOOK AT THE MONITOR, LET OUT A PIERCING SCREAM, AND FELL TO THE FLOOR IN A DEAD FAINT...AT THE SOUND, HER FAMILY RUSHED INTO THE ROOM AND SAW THIS MESSAGE ON THE SCREEN:

DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE!

smash
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/26/01 02:28 PM

This one is a little rough, but still LOTS of truth to it... <img src="tongue.gif" border="0" alt="" />

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks,
moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna.

Drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. smash

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't
left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by
lightning. frown
Posted By: delight

Re: A little levity - 10/26/01 04:46 PM

OMG!!!!! ROFLOL!!!! The funniest part is that some of it is all too true! Unfortunately.


But as for this part...

"And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by
lightning. We have nothing to lose."

I REBUKE THIS STATEMENT IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!!! laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/26/01 06:33 PM

Amen and Amen... laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/27/01 12:17 PM

Terrorist Warning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.


ouch that hurt me!!
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 10/28/01 05:32 PM

Steve, you forgot Trash Bin Stinking... *ducks*

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
- Da-ad....
- What?
- I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?
- No. You had your chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later:
- Da-aaaad.....
- WHAT?
- I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??
- I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!

Five minutes later......
- Daaaa-aaaad.....
- WHAT!
- When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?
'
'
'
'
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
- Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight? The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
- I can't dear, I have to sleep in Daddy's room. A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
- The big sissy.
'
'
'
'
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said:
- Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that. Bobby looked up and replied,
- Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

[ 10-28-2001: Message edited by: aleina ]
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/30/01 03:49 AM

Tom Clancy Treated Like He's Some Kind Of Terrorism Expert

WASHINGTON, DC— Tom Clancy, bestselling author of such military thrillers as The Hunt For Red October and Patriot Games, is being treated like an actual terrorism expert, having offered his opinion on Larry King Live and countless other TV shows since Sept. 11. "The Al Qaeda network is known to have operatives in at least 30 countries, including the U.S. and Great Britain," said Clancy, a former insurance broker and avid wearer of naval-warship baseball caps, during a recent Nightline. "By the way, Ted, Stephen Ambrose's The Wild Blue is a terrific read." Later that evening, Clancy appeared in a Crossfire panel on biological warfare with former CIA director John Deutch and Secretary Of State Colin Powell.
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 10/30/01 11:36 PM

HEHE Y'ALL GIVE UP SOME MORE OF THOSE, I HAVE BEEN PASSING THEM ON AT THE OFFICE. THINGS HAVE BEEN TENSE AND THEY ARE A GREAT HELP!
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 11/02/01 06:37 AM

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer
and alcohol bottles, such as:

1.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

2.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a complete idiot.

3.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

6.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.

7.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

8.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

9.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

10.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

11.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

12.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 11/02/01 07:00 AM

yeah, numbers 3 and 5 i was notorius for, you really dont realize how stupid you are when you drink, much less how stupid it is TO drink !
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/02/01 06:32 PM

Hey Steve...

Hey Steve...

Hey Steve...


ROFL! smash

[ 11-02-2001: Message edited by: embie ]
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/02/01 06:35 PM

Hey Steve...

seems to me that something's wrong with that posting ruff

help
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 11/03/01 05:36 AM

Monster Truck Chased Down By Torch-Wielding Regular Trucks
Posted By: delight

Re: A little levity - 11/07/01 07:29 AM

HYMNS

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, "Today in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing
whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."

The pastor hollered out, "Grace." The congregation began to sing,
"Amazing Grace, How Sweet the Sound."

The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."

The pastor said, "Sex."
The congregation fell in total silence Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden from way back of the church a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing, "Precious Memories."


laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 11/07/01 07:41 AM

laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 11/07/01 09:27 AM

[Linked Image]
KFC Responds To Stockpiling Trend With 576-Piece Bucket
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 11/07/01 11:55 AM

Lisa, that is too cute laugh

aleina
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/07/01 04:37 PM

Good ones...I needed a laugh today...

thanx...
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/07/01 04:58 PM

Why I Love Moms...

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said,
"I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.
Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar
container, put spoons and bowls on the table
and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game
pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer.
She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store.
She put both near her purse.
Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night Solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said. rolleyes

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked.
She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack.
She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list.
She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.

help

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular.
"I'm going to bed." And he did...without another thought. smash

Anything extraordinary here?
Wonder why women live longer...?
'CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL...... laugh
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 11/07/01 05:52 PM

HIGH FIVE ! cool
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 11/07/01 07:41 PM

it just seems like you are around longer... tongue


help
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/07/01 08:38 PM

OMG...altho I hate to admit it, that WAS funny Allen... tongue

This guy was asked...if you had only 6 months to live what would you do? After careful consideration he answered sincerely, I would live with my Mother-in-law.

Surprised by that response, he was asked why your mother-in-law?

The man replied "Cos if I lived with my mother-in-law, it would be the longest 6 months of my life..." smash

wink
Posted By: Kingpin

Re: A little levity - 11/07/01 09:27 PM

Am I the ONLY guy in the world that actually LOVES his in-laws???
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/07/01 10:03 PM

I think you better start showing some truly manly characteristics or the other men are gonna boot you outta here... tongue tongue

You ARE the weakest link... GOODBYE! meat

[ 11-07-2001: Message edited by: embie ]
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 11/07/01 10:53 PM

yeah, like you are making all the young guys look good, and the oldies look like they are laggin' ... hey and by the way, why isnt there a dude's forum ? ruff
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 11/07/01 11:40 PM

every forum is the dude's forum ruff

You ladies keep forgetting, he's a newlywed... he wakes up and the the sun is shining, spring has sprung, and love's in the air...

"How are you dear?"

"Great now that you are home... I've missed you..."

"Yes, I've missed you too honey... it's sad that I have to leave your side and take the trash out once a week."

"I know, maybe we can get the neighbor kid to do it for us, you work too hard already supporting our new little family."

"Doesn't that sound great! My whole life I've been looking for you and God saw it in His great mercy to send me someone so perfect."

"Thank you, but you were the perfect one sent for me... I am unworthy for so great a love as yours. God is so good to me. Isn't life grand? I *love* you!"

"I love you more..."

"I love *you* more..."

"Me..."

"No, me..."

"Hey, do you realize we just had our first argument? I am so sorry.. please forgive me."

"It was my fault, forgive me... I love you too much to fight."

"That's so sweet snookums, I love you too..."

"What would you like to do this evening? We haven't talked about our future plans since.. ummm.. yesterday."

"Yes! We were meant to be! I love to hear you say "future", it means so much to me... I love you when you do that."

"I love that you love when I do that..."

"I love you more..."

"No, I love *you* more..."
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 11/08/01 12:11 AM

ROFL really, tears well up .. that was funny .. but are we a tad BITTER ? aw, you remember the gooshy stuff ellen ???
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 11/08/01 01:17 AM

Please someone print that out and give it to Ell.. I mean Allen whenever he gets married!!

aleina
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 11/08/01 02:34 AM

Allen...? Married????? With HIS attitude towards women????????????? Hmmmmmm....I dunno about that...

I do sense a little "newlywed-itis", tho with Kingpin... smile Not that it's a bad thing, tho. Each relationship has it's stages...that's just (from the outside looking in) one of the more sickening stages of them all... laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/08/01 05:19 AM

OMG, that scenario made me think of Ben Afflick in Forces of Nature when he was on the plane talking with his soon to be wife...No, I love yooooooo more...no, yoooooo, more, no I love yoooooooooo more... rolleyes ROFLOLOLOLOL It was stupid sweet tongue

We'll save Hatpin's post and mail it back to him in ten years when he's paying a mortgage and installments on braces and his son just got arrested for throwing eggs on Halloween, and his wife has gained a few pounds and somehow her sweet gentle voice has now turned into a foghorn ... wink

Just jokin ya Brutha...I know your marriage will be awesome. God put you together...Keep Him first and you'll stay that way. But PLEASE post that pic so they all understand the slapstick family that you married into eek
Posted By: Kingpin

Re: A little levity - 11/08/01 02:07 PM

Allen...did you setup a bug in my house?!?!?!?

j/k

Actually, our conversations are nothing like that. We talk more like the couple that's been married for fourty years. I've been with Crystal for 5 years now and only been married for 7 months. The only thing that really changed was....we have bills and sleep in the same bed now. laugh

I'll post that pic embie if I can find a place to host it *ahem* Allen *ahem*....(it's only 324K)
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 11/08/01 10:09 PM

It was in jest, we know people don't really talk like that wink wink

Email the picture to info@ubbdev.com and I'll put it up for you smile
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 11/11/01 07:19 AM

Googly Moogly: Great?
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 11/12/01 04:20 PM

How 'bout yall post some JOKES up here we can all "get" ? I need some ! tongue tongue tongue
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/13/01 04:39 AM

Mommy has the flu

Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids. (All mom's will enjoy a good laugh!)

Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit-cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you in a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight.

Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. How do you turn off the milkman?
3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the refrigerator door?

I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, house cleaned and dinner on time....... I called your mother.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 11/13/01 07:30 AM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females" he replied.
Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone" he responded

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
> hair dryer at passing cars.  See if they slow down.
>
> 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
>
> 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
> with
> that.
>
> 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
>
> 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten
> over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
>
> 6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
>
> 7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
>
> 8. Dont use any punctuation marks
>
> 9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
>
> 10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
>
> 11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
>
> 12. Sing along at the opera.
>
> 13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
>
> 14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
> sounds all day.
>
> 15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
> because you're not in the mood.
>
> 16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
>
> 17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time
> this week!!!!!"
>
> 18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
> "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
>
> 19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to
> have to let one of you go."
>
> And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
>
> 20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent
> it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bad Nuns ~

There are 3 nuns and a mother superior. The mother
superior tells the 3 nuns before they can receive their saint name and that they had one final test.

She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad...

After the 3 nuns return, the mother superior says,
"Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first 2 nuns are crying, the 3rd is giggling.

The mother superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?" The first answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I stole and ate fruit from someone's garden." The mother superior says, "Go drink the holy water and it will be alright," The 3rd nun is dancing around in laughter.

The mother superior asks the 2nd one. Her whole
body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole and ate candy from a baby." The mother superior says, "My child drink the holy water and you are forgiven.

The 3rd nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The mothersuperior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?"

The 3rd nun is barely able to answer through her
tears of laughter," I pee'd in the Holy water."


*cough* ...............
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 11/14/01 07:27 AM

Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell
'We Expected Eternal Paradise For This,' Say Suicide Bombers


http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/hijackers_surprised.html

::warning : parental discretion advised::

This article is both funny and a bit revolting, and has been featured in several nagazines and TV news shows.
Posted By: delight

Re: A little levity - 11/14/01 01:49 PM

Revolting? Yes it is.

Funny? No it isn't.

I tried to keep my comments to myself, but that article has to be one of the most disgusting things I have ever read. It breaks my heart to believe that anyone would find those kind of things to be "funny". Those poor souls were misguided and deceived from early in their lives...what they did was horrific...but to find pleasure in the tortures that they will endure in hell is equally horrific. I feel sick to my stomach after reading that article....but it does serve a higher purpose....it enforces my resolve to pray for the terrorists...and for the lost....I don't want ANYONE to ever have to experience such atrocities. It isn't funny....at all. frown

[ 11-14-2001: Message edited by: delight ]
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 11/14/01 02:07 PM

?
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 11/14/01 04:30 PM

Yo Allen, are you going through some strange stage or something. That was actually TACKY eek
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/14/01 05:18 PM

Very sad indeed, but the horrors of hell are very real. I think that we should be revolted by the sin, making us even more vigilant in our efforts to spread the Truth. Prayer and perseverance are key. God will save whom God will save. He is Sovereign. Not everyone will go to Heaven. Those that had no opportunity to know the Lord will have their chance to accept Christ. It's what they choose at that point that will determine their eternity. Prayer and perseverance.

Praise God for Jesus and Calvary. /
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 11/14/01 05:38 PM

Agree ladies! I am glad I don't know all the words in the English language wink Could have set my dictionary on fire eek

On the other hand... One of my male friends told me a couple of "jokes" like the ones in that article. I told him it was more repulsive than funny. He said it was probably a guy thing, a defense mechanism and a way to somehow cope with the horrors of the WTC attacks. So since the WTC attack were and still are so enormously horrific and difficult to understand, the jokes will be equally horrific... I can see where he is coming from, but I still think it's kinda sick to laugh at smth like that article... and that we need to pray for those hijackers and everyone involved!

JMHO

aleina
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 11/15/01 06:11 AM

True Questions

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?

A. Borofkin.

Q. What's his first name?

A. I can't remember.

Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?

A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

*******************************

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A. No.

*******************************

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

*******************************

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.

*******************************

Q. Are you married?

A. No, I'm divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

*******************************

Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?

*******************************

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

*******************************

Q. What happened then?

A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q. Did he kill you?

A. No.

*******************************

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.

*******************************

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

*******************************

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

*******************************

Q: ...and what did he do then?

A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.

Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

*******************************

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

*******************************

Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?

A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that ************- and she did!

*******************************

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?

A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

*******************************

Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

A: The victim lived.

*******************************

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 11/15/01 07:21 AM

You Know You're From East Texas When...

Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor on the Highway.

"Vacation" means going to the family reunion.

You've seen all the big bands 10 years after they were popular.

You measure distance in minutes.

Everbody you know has hit a deer.

Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

You often have to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.

You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the
year.

You use "fix" as a verb twice in one sentence.
---------- Example: I am fixin' to fix dinner.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,grain, or animal (including pesky insects!).

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. (And your car as well!)

You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.

You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages for sports.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."

You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer,
still summer, and Christmas.

There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1,000 or more (Shoot, lots of towns with fewer have one!).

Going to Walmart is a favorite pastime known as
"goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop, it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.

You recognize that cheese grits and catfish nuggets is a meal that must have been bestowed upon the people by the Lord Himself.

You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of bread with flavored flour and water (a delicacy known as "biscuits n' gravy").

You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends and to a few fer'ners who love you anyway.
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 11/19/01 01:17 AM

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, ''Would you like to say the blessing?''

''I wouldn't know what to say,'' the girl replied.

''Just say what you hear Mommy say,'' the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, ''Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?''
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 11/19/01 02:36 AM

None to contribute, just saying I enjoyed them all... especially the court ones laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 11/19/01 08:50 AM

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade." -- Jack Handey
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/19/01 04:43 PM

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance valuations in a large US Corporation although I think many of us would recognize them as extracts from assessments!!!!

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

He would argue with a signpost."

He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

smash
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/19/01 09:18 PM

Dear Family and Friends:

There will be a change in plans, Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised.
Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.
After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and
everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plates and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I
have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline.

Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 am upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.
We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In
the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening
at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony.
I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to
check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed.

It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the
traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.

I am thankful.

wink
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 11/21/01 03:46 AM

hehe Allen, talk about SURPRISE....!

This one made me think..... wink

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not. He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion," So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.When the angel returned she went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them. . . give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?


You didn't get one either, huh?


aleina
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 11/23/01 03:08 AM

Feel free to throw tomatoes if these true stories are too lame.... wink

When I was on the floorball team (like indoor hockey but with a plastic ball and shoes instead of skates), our coach had got us hats from the company McAfee well known for their anti-virus programs. Now, one of the girls had been sick for weeks and once she got well, she got sick again a couple of days later... So it was suggested that she got an extra hat to cure the virus! laugh

When I was studying math and the university of Stockholm, we had a young professor as teacher. One day he said to us: "Today we are gonna talk about my favourite; Ellen!" We looked at eachother in confusion - there was no Ellen in our class and not in any of the other classes either... But it all was explained when he started to write on the black board:

ln x = ......

(ln = the natural logaritm, a mathematical term which sounds very much like Ellen!)


On of our other teachers refused to say "email", he said "elbrev" which translated to English would be "electrical letter". Yes it is somewhat correct but it's also so not right *cringe*

aleina
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 11/23/01 04:18 AM

where's my tomatos? tipsy

Two hunters, one from Louisiana, and one from Texas went hunting. The one from Texas suddenly had a heart attack and fell to the ground. De one from Louisiana called 911 on his cell phone and said "My friend here is having a heart attack! What do I do now?"

The 911 operator says "You gotta check and make sure he's dead.."

Thibodeaux says "ok" and drops the phone...

A few seconds went by and suddenly the operator hears BLAM!!

Thibodeaux comes back to the phone and says "Ok, now what?"
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 11/23/01 02:25 PM

Here ya go, fresh from the garden of PaintShopPro! Btw your story was lame too tipsy

[Linked Image]
[Linked Image]
[Linked Image]
[Linked Image]
[Linked Image]

aleina

[ 11-23-2001: Message edited by: aleina ]
Posted By: delight

Re: A little levity - 11/24/01 05:30 AM

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
angel
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 11/24/01 10:24 PM

heheh... tongue
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/26/01 08:36 PM

WARNING...PG-13 (that didn't work for Allen, but I'm trying it again...ROFL laugh )

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4.Everyone is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5.You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says:"How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."

6.Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.

7.You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8.You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9.You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10 The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.


TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

OTHER WOMEN
Posted By: Kingpin

Re: A little levity - 11/28/01 03:59 PM

NEWS HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2035


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Spotted Owls threaten Western North America crops & livestock.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon). Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study results: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

Texas executes last remaining citizen. (no offense guys wink )

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 11/28/01 04:27 PM

Email intercepted by the FBI recently:

----- Original Message -----
From: Bin Laden, Osama
Sent: Monday, November 19, 2001 8:17 AM
To: Cavemates
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them.

First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar and Richard.

Love you lots.

Osama
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 11/28/01 06:26 PM

Quote
quote:


ROFLOL HEHEHEEEE!!!!

Quote
quote:


LOLOL!! But I have another theory!
- George Bush
- George W Bush
- George WW Bush
- George.WWW.Bush.gov

tongue

aleina
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/28/01 06:36 PM

ROFLOLOLOL thumbsup laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/29/01 04:00 PM

George Carlin Imponderables:

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
cents in... what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? laugh for Angel

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me: they're cramming for their final
exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the
mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Posted By: delight

Re: A little levity - 11/29/01 05:23 PM

roflol.....you silly!!!!!!! laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/01/01 06:05 PM

OMG..I'm already a "sister"

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful". She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

help

[ 12-01-2001: Message edited by: embie ]
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/02/01 01:40 AM

This one's from Steve who's machine is pushin up daisies eek

Jake the Rancher

Jake, the rancher, went one day
to fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty
and the clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in and
gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen and the snow
began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup,
he felt a heavy heart,
From the sound of that ignition,
he knew it wouldn't start.
So Jake did what most of us do if we'd
have been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head and
sent aloft a prayer

As he turned the key for the last time,
he softly cursed his luck.
They found him three days later,
frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life
and done his share of roamin'.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked
it looked just like Wyomin'.

Of all the saints in Heaven,
his favorite was St. Peter.
Now, this line, it ain't needed but
it helps with rhyme and meter.

So they set and talked a minute or two,
or maybe it was three,
Nobody was keepin' score -
in Heaven time is free.

"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete,
"that God will answer prayers,
But one time I asked for help, well,
He, just plain wasn't there.

Does God answer prayers of some, and
ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square -
I know all men are brothers.

Or does he randomly reply, without good
rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day, the
weather or the season.

Now I ain't trying to act smart, it's
just the way I feel,
And I was wonderin', could you tell me-
what the heck's the deal?"

Peter listened very patiently and when
Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition, and
he said, "So, you're the one!

That day your truck, it wouldn't start,
and you sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time, with
hundreds of us a trying.

A thousand angels rushed to check the
status of your file,
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard
from you in quite a long long while.

And though all prayers are answered,
and God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice, and
started a truck in North Dakota.

Pray daily! Keep a good heart!
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 12/03/01 01:00 AM

John invited his Mother over for dinner. During the meal she couldn't help notice how beautiful John's roommate was. she had long been suspicious of the relationship between John and his roommate Julie, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than meets the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts, John volunteered. "I know what your thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your Mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver ladle. you don't suppose your Mother took it do you?" John said, "Well I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:


Dear Mother;
I'm not saying you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, and I am not saying you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love
John


Several days later, John received a letter from his Mother which read:




Dear Son;
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love
Mom

smash Busted!
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/03/01 01:13 AM

eek

jumpy jumpy jumpy

laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/04/01 09:41 PM

If


If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY PET.

hoppy
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/05/01 04:39 AM

Hey... 8 out of 11 and you got me tongue
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 12/05/01 05:05 AM

for allen:

click
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/05/01 05:40 AM

Hey Allen...It's those OTHER three that I wanna know about... help

Michelle...Hilarious! laugh
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 12/06/01 02:43 AM

How to wrap your xmas gifts if you have a cat:

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and
shut door.
3. Open door and remove cat from closet.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons,
scissors, labels, etc...
7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the
drawer since last visit and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove
cat.
14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the
paper.
16. Cut second sheet of paper to size-by putting cat in the bag the
present came in.
17. Place present on paper.
18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't
reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent
sticky tape.
20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape
from cat with pair of nail scissors.
21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve
ribbon.
23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's
enthusiastic ribbon chase.
25. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
26. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing last sheet of paper.
Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of
paper.
27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
28. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable
room.
30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to re-lay out paper
and materials.
31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and
relock.
32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear
cat from outside door)
33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small
area of the toilet, but do your best)
34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt
through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper.
Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last
year as well.
35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to
make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with
sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on
completing a difficult job.
38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious
conclusion.
40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
41. Go to store and buy gift bag.

* * * * *

Do we live in the computer age or what:

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a
list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your
son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He
emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter
sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see
if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG
file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of
the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't
have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and
turning around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags
out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they
do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line (or a ADSL/cable modem) so you can
get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as
if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail
on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. smile
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

laugh

aleina
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/06/01 04:12 PM

OMG!

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle
man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would
belate because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the aroma of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she
could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife,
the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she
had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the
opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten
minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin placed it on her lap
and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that
she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and was she surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her "HappyBirthday"!!!


ROFLOLOLOLOLOL help
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/07/01 07:39 AM

HELP!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAACCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK SSSPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTT I am laughing so hard I can't breathe!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/07/01 04:23 PM

In an apparent copycat terrorist act, two Polish terrorists, Stosh Bin-Browski and Yonko Bin-Ladenski hijacked a Goodyear Blimp. smash

So far, they have bounced off five buildings... tongue


**************************************************

The South Africans are finally going to help America with the War on terrorism. They've pledged 2 of their biggest battleships, 600 ground troops, and 6 fighter jets.

With the exchange rate, we ended up with 2 jet-ski's, 3 policemen and a microlight. DOH!


hoppy

[ 12-07-2001: Message edited by: embie ]
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/08/01 04:01 AM

tongue
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/08/01 07:36 AM

[Linked Image]
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/08/01 08:26 AM

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten
Taliban."

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best
soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban."

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban."

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand
fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon,
rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them." help
Posted By: Brian

Re: A little levity - 12/09/01 08:54 AM

There are only two kinds of drivers: Idiots and Maniacs. Idiots include anyone that drives slower than me, and the Maniacs are everyone that drives faster than me.
Posted By: Brian

Re: A little levity - 12/09/01 09:00 AM

Intercepted Taleban Memo

Memo to: Cavemates
From: Osama
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys,
We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says, "There is no 'I' in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious, and who ever voluntarily cleaned the latrine bucket, LOVE YOU MAN.

However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't
forget to take care of the entire cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about the cruise missiles and smart bombs, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American
soldiers disguised, trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Love you guys.
Osama
jumpy hoppy
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/09/01 02:48 PM

hehehehe tongue


SPELLING CHEQUER

I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea see
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea.

When aye strike a quay, right a word
I weight four it two say
Whether eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.

I’ve run this poem threw it
I’m shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it’s weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.


Sauce unknown smash

[ 12-09-2001: Message edited by: embie ]
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 12/10/01 05:41 AM

http://www.madblast.com/oska/third_wiseman.cfm
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/11/01 07:44 PM

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's family jewels off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

[Linked Image]
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/11/01 08:02 PM

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK SSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTT


ouch! smash

Hey Allen... Te quiere Taco Bell?

I want a holiday avatar.. will you "create" one for moi?

[ 12-11-2001: Message edited by: embie ]
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/12/01 07:27 AM

Here are a couple............


[Linked Image]

[Linked Image]

[Linked Image]

[Linked Image]

[Linked Image]

[Linked Image]


ROFLOLOLOLOL sorry I can resist everything but temptation!! THBTHBTHBT
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/12/01 11:10 AM

Gosh Steve! People have asked me for pictures of you and me on our last visit, I couldn't find mine... laugh


THANX!!!! thumbsup
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/12/01 05:37 PM

Hey Allen...
Can I have this one? It almost looks like me...

[Linked Image]

Steve of course is under my feet...
tongue
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/12/01 05:40 PM

as long as it is 100px wide or narrower, you can have most any one..... wink
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/12/01 05:44 PM

sheesh...now how would I know THAT??? smash

can you put it up for me???

pretty please smile
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/13/01 11:06 AM

Snail Costume
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.

"What the heck are you?" asks the host.

"I'm a snail" says the guy.

"But... you have a girl on your back" replies the host.

"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle!"

rolleyes
Posted By: Kingpin

Re: A little levity - 12/13/01 03:10 PM

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human, because even though they are very large mammals, their throats are
very small.
The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated, a whale could not swallow a human; it was
impossible.
The little girl said, "I believe it because God said so."
The teacher said that a book, even the Bible, could not go against
biological facts.
And besides, there was no proof that there really was a God anyway.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/13/01 07:54 PM

laugh both of those....

mb, I'll see what I can do wink
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/13/01 08:31 PM

who's mb? ruff

ps...thanx bud wink

[ 12-13-2001: Message edited by: embie ]
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/14/01 07:55 AM

Pilgrimage to the Vet

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to a veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, the vet turned on the water faucet, wet his fingers, and moistened each dog's head when he had finished. After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed the talkative
client had grown silent. As the vet sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

(OUCH)

Partisan pups!

There was a young boy who wanted to sell his puppies so when they were three weeks old he put them in a box with a sign that read "democrat puppies $5.00" and he sat outside the supermarket. Sadly his puppies did not sell for weeks. Then when the pups were about six weeks old he went back to the market to sell them with a new sign. "republican puppies $10.00 each" A man walked by who had seen him out there weeks earlier and suspecting him of a scam asked. "arent those the same puppies you advertised as democrats for five bucks?" The little boy replied "yup, mister the sure are!" The man was kind of baffled so he asked "well what makes them different now, why are they republican puppies?"
The lad simply replied " they have their eyes open now........"
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/14/01 07:56 AM

Pilgrimage to the Vet

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to a veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, the vet turned on the water faucet, wet his fingers, and moistened each dog's head when he had finished. After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed the talkative
client had grown silent. As the vet sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

(OUCH)

Partisan pups!

There was a young boy who wanted to sell his puppies so when they were three weeks old he put them in a box with a sign that read "democrat puppies $5.00" and he sat outside the supermarket. Sadly his puppies did not sell for weeks. Then when the pups were about six weeks old he went back to the market to sell them with a new sign. "republican puppies $10.00 each" A man walked by who had seen him out there weeks earlier and suspecting him of a scam asked. "arent those the same puppies you advertised as democrats for five bucks?" The little boy replied "yup, mister the sure are!" The man was kind of baffled so he asked "well what makes them different now, why are they republican puppies?"
The lad simply replied " they have their eyes open now........"
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/14/01 04:11 PM

Hey...were you using Michelle's computer? tongue

STAFF MEMOS

December 1

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd
at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots
of spiked eggnog and a small band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And
don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange
of gifts among employees can be done at
that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director


December 2nd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to
exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that,
Hanukkah is an important holiday that often
coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).
However, from now on we're calling it our
"Holiday Party." The same policy applies to
employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this
time. There will be no Christmas tree and
no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 3rd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a
member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I
put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only,"
you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition,
forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be
allowed since the union members feel that $10 is
too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous
to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with the gay men; each will have
their table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

December 9th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people-nothing sinister was intended by
wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the
anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little
man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

December 10th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're
going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit
whether you like it or not, you can just sit at
the table farthest from the grill of death," as
you put it, and you'll get salad bar only,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The B*tch from Hell

December 14th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty
Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related
illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

help
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/15/01 06:35 AM

ROFLOLOL that is more accurate than you might think!!!!!!


The Call
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular
phone rings. One of them picks it up and answers it.

"Hi honey, are you at the club?"

"Yes, dear."

"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on
sale in the window."

"How much is it, dear?"

"They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"

"But don't you already have fur coats?"

"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"

"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"

"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership
this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one
in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold colored. What do you think?"

"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"

"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"

"How much is it?"

"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!"

"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"

"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember
our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts?
It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we
would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months."

"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"

"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed
very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle."

"How much is it listed at?"

"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"

"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."

"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!"

"See you tonight, dear."

The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks ....

"So, who's phone is this?"
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 12/15/01 09:00 PM

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them", the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.

"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have!"
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/16/01 09:39 AM

Thanks... laugh needed those after a loooonnng day at work smile

This one was told to me by my toothless 78 year old patient as I was handing him his false teeth to put in....

"An old man went to the doctor because he was having trouble with his hearing aide...

"Doc, what's wrong, I can't hardly hear anymore..."

"Well, let me see here... it appears you have a cap to Preperation H tube in your ear..."

"Well that explains where my hearing aide is then..."

laugh
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 12/16/01 04:34 PM

hehehe...oh, grooooosss. EEEEWWWWWW. heheheh.

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly, "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." shocked shocked shocked
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/17/01 07:42 AM

shocked Eek! Want fries with that? ROFLOLOLOL


GENIE IN A BOTTLE

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, and sure enough, out
popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. But there's a catch." "What catch?" he asked. The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for." "Well I can live with that! No problem!" he said. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari," he said. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris, "said the Genie. "Next wish?" "I'd love a million dollars, replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every politician in the world has two million dollars," said the Genie. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man. "What is your final wish?" asked the genie. The man thought long and hard and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..........." laugh laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/18/01 12:38 AM

heheh [Linked Image]

oh, hey! got another avatar if someone wants it?

[Linked Image]

Steve?

laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/18/01 12:46 AM

Stole this one from a friend's hunting board:

Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them: "I'll be back in one week. No more than one moose - got it?"

One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says: "Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose."

One of the hunters replies: "Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a big tip to take both moose out."

The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose.

Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet.... Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree.

The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says: "Where the Hell are we?"

The other looks around and replies: "About 100 yards further than we got last year!"
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/18/01 04:39 AM

OMG, now THAT is HILARIOUS! I think Steve SHOULD take that one...

ROFLOLOLOLOLOL laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/18/01 06:46 AM

ROFLOLOLOL I am cryin here!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH[Linked Image]

[Linked Image]
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/18/01 08:03 AM

You guys liked the moose joke too, eh? tongue
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/18/01 10:56 PM

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday"

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into
trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian Woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about
how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1 Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true he had not been a very
good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2 Dear God, This is your friend, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend Leroy.

Leroy knew that this wasn't true, either. So he tore up the letter and started again.

Leroy 3 Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike.

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Leroy's mother told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the Catholic church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and
a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

Letter 4 GOD, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO
SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, Leroy
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/20/01 04:02 PM

THE HISTORIC MERGER -

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying
and delivering their gifts. One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of
whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/20/01 11:20 PM

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. PLOOP! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent, then bursts into whoops and cheers of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
PLOOP! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
PLOOP! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left ... then to
the right ... through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says: "That boy should have quit while he was a head." smash

I hate when that happens.. DOH!
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/21/01 12:41 AM

<font color="red"><font size="4">HAHAHHAH!!!</font></font>

I had to put my Christmas music back on to stifle the laughter here laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/21/01 05:10 AM

Here's a little true story I find amusing if no-one else does tongue

A few years back my brother Jerry and I went to a convention/seminar in Jacksonville Florida one fine fall weekend. The seminar was at a nice hotel, you could look in one direction and see the huge stadium they have for the Jacksonville Jaguars, their NFL team.

Jerry and I aren't little people, he's about 6'4" and 220lbs and I am ~6'2" and 245. He played football in college a little while and I was competing in bodybuilding at the time, so we're kinda used to being bigger than most people in a room smile

That Sunday am we got on the elevator to go down 5-6 floors and on the next floor, about 6 huge guys got on the elevator, ranging in height from 6'4" to 6'7" or so and 250-320 lbs. Muscular pounds...

Jerry and I had just commented earlier that the Pittsburgh Steelers were playing the Jaguars that day over at the stadium and it would be cool to go over and sneak in the game somehow... When these guys got on the elevator, we figured the Steelers must be staying at the hotel, since we had seen a few others earlier that morning.

Being the eager people to meet some professional athletes, one of us looked up at them and said: "Hey, do you guys play for the Steelers?"

Keep in mind that it was game day morning... these guys had probably just taken a test injection for a little extra aggression and were ready to bust a few heads.

One of the bigger guys kinda scowled at us and said in a basso profundo voice: "Awww, hell naaww..."

help

Jerry and I kinda glanced at each other and hurried off the elevator... we had just insulted the defensive line of the Jaguars, and they didn't look too happy laugh

We lived to tell the story... tongue To this day, we can say "Awww, hell naaww..." in a low voice and know exactly how close we came to a few broken bones that day laugh

heheh.. it's funny to me tongue
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/21/01 06:12 AM

Heck, you should be glad you'all didn't hit the "tilt" level on the elevator max ruff

I'm surprised my sis-in-law (Otis elevator emergency response supervisor) wasn't being paged!!! smash

That IS a funny story! wink
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/21/01 06:42 AM

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot four!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm
for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Jenny!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear..."


(*cough*)
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/21/01 06:47 AM

ppppppffffftttttttt! laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/21/01 06:48 AM

hahah!! laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/21/01 08:43 AM

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/22/01 05:42 PM

Warning: pg-13 content ahead, but it is funny and Christmas related laugh

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve.

They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.

On entering they must present something "Christmassy" to show they remember the holiday, or off to hell they go.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/22/01 06:18 PM

Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/22/01 09:45 PM

ROFLOL allen!!

O s a m a C l a s s i f i e d A d s
_______________ <> _______________

Here are some recent classified ads
Osama bin Laden took out in Afghanistan newspapers.
_______________ <> _______________

For Sale: Huge cave, ventilated, isolated for privacy, rock
solid. More ventilation is added daily due to heavy bombardment.
Free ear plugs included! Call 1-800-BIG-BANG.
_______________ <> _______________

For Sale: Terrorist training course. Learn from my mistakes.
Includes my exclusive list of countries you shouldn't mess with,
they get really mad! [censored] cowboys. Call 1-800-IMA-DOPE.
_______________ <> _______________

Wanted: A safe place to cower in fear while I talk big and pervert
the minds of the young and senseless. Preferably near a teeming
population of highly gullible people that would be susceptible to
empty promises of vainglory. Call 1-800-YOU-FOOL
_______________ <> _______________

For Sale: Wives, variety of ages. Looks unimportant, lovely
burkas! Reason for selling: they can't run fast. Call 1-800-SLO-
LADY.
_______________ <> _______________

Wanted: Tank repairman. Must have own tools and be able to
work without missing parts. Location: a little here, a little there,
little pieces everywhere. Call 1-800-BLO-MEUP

_______________ <> _______________

Wanted: Emotional counseling for misunderstood former terrorist
with delusions of grandeur. Severely depressed, even my mother
doesn't love me. Call 1-800-WOE-ISME.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted By: pepe'

Re: A little levity - 12/22/01 10:24 PM

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/23/01 10:43 PM

OMG!!!!!!!!! ROFLOLOLOLOLOL

Ooo La La Pepe Le Pue ruff wink

[ 12-23-2001: Message edited by: embie ]
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/24/01 09:40 AM

I was hoping he didn't offend anyone... that one was kinda out there on the edge laugh

I hope this one is not a repeat:

On a plane bound for New York, the flignt attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain replied "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/24/01 11:49 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!


laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/25/01 11:32 PM

PG-13 wink

Christmas Cake Recipe

Ingredients:
1 cup Water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle vodka
2 cups dried fruit


Sample the vodka to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check vodka again.

To be sure of it’s highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar.

Beat again.

At this point it’s best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.

Try another cup…just in case.

Turn off the mixerer.

Beat 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sh*t.

Check the vodka.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and put out the cat.

Fall into bed.

Cherry Mistmas!
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/29/01 08:20 PM

laugh

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 12/30/01 12:13 AM

Maybe you've heard this extremely LAME joke before tongue

How do you get psalmonella?
From microorganists!

Waahahhaaaaaaaaa laugh

aleina
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/30/01 01:08 AM

What timing... I just ate some bad chicken... lessee what happens next. I cooked it thoroughy, but it tasted a little funny smash

I may be in the prayer request forum next tongue
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 12/31/01 12:52 AM

Haven't seen you posting anything in more about it so hopefully it wasn't THAT bad thumbsup

Go figure, I visited my parents and mom sent me home with... chicken casserole smash

aleina
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/31/01 05:40 AM

I had to have 3 bowls of it and seemed to do ok smile Another one later that night didn't hurt either... the cooking must have killed any salmonella present wink
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/31/01 06:51 PM

http://www.ohyesitis.com/

laugh You can't stop! laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/31/01 07:21 PM

OMG! You CAN'T eek

it's like some sick addiction...ROFL!!!!!

FUNNY! laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 01/02/02 02:23 AM

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:
NERDS NOT ALLOWED
ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!
He sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy and asks him what he does for a living. The man says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender assured him that he shouldn't worry because the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don’t even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can’t bait ’em."
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 01/02/02 03:11 AM

Thank you Lord that Allen wasn't there when the load spilled. tongue
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 01/02/02 03:14 AM

tongue
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 01/02/02 04:00 AM

OMG, I started laughing when the first nerd got blown away...

How sick (and flippin funny) is that???? help
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 01/05/02 06:47 PM

When people buy a dog, they usually name him something like Rover or Bowser. Well I chose to name my dog "Sex". But lately Sex has been a little embarassing to me.
I remember one day I took Sex to City Hall to get a license for him. I went up to the clerk and said "I would like to have a license for Sex". He said he would like to have one too. I said "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

Last year they were auditioning dogs for a commercial on dog food. I took Sex to the studio to see if he would get the part. But suddenly Sex started to run off around the studio. I went after him, but the crew manager grabbed my arm and asked what I was doing here. I told him I was hoping to have Sex on TV. He called me a showoff.

One day Sex ran out on me in the middle of the night. I went around the neighbourhood looking for him. A cop came and asked what I was doing. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up this Friday...
[Linked Image]
Posted By: Brian

Re: A little levity - 01/05/02 09:26 PM

Ya you're kinda right....sorry everyone smile
How about this instead:

The following are actual instructions found on the named items:


ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS: Do not use while sleeping.


ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.


ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.


ON A FROZEN DINNER: Serving suggestion: Defrost.


ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: Fits one head.


ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)


ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating


ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on body


ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery


ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: may cause drowsiness


ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out of children


ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.


ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use


ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts


ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.


ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

[ 01-05-2002: Message edited by: Spitfire1982 ]
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 01/06/02 01:07 AM

^uhm well yes it is funny but when Embie posted smth similar, I asked her to edit it. Trash the bad people all you want, but don't mix up the different issues with Iraq, the talibans and islamic culture. Embie said it was a spoof on some TV show and that may be an appropriate forum for it though. But that is just my opinion wink Then again this is not my site and I am not Allen tongue

* * * * *

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring food.

*ducks from all the tomatoes*

aleina
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 01/06/02 02:44 AM

ROFL...no tomatoes from me...just another case of truth stranger than fiction... tongue

A woman comes from the hairdresser and she meets up with a girlfriend.

The friend asks..."New Haircut"?
the woman says yes, but I'm not sure I like it.

Her friend says, oh it's soo beautiful, it just angles your face the right way...you have such nice cheekbones.

The woman says, oh, thank you, but I have always admired your cut...and the length, it just flatters the lines of your neck.

The friend balks at that and says, oh, but I think the it makes my shoulders look boxy.

The woman laughs and says, I would kill for your arms, the way dresses flow from you...and while we're at it, you look like you've lost a few pounds.

Oh, the friend bellows, look whose talking, you have always had the best shape, you must work at it for hours.

The woman smirks and says, I just HAVE to know your secret for those legs, do you run?

The friend says, me? No, but I bet you must be on some new nutritional supplement, I've never seen your skin look so good.

A man comes from the barber and meets his friend.

The friend says..."New Haircut"?

The man says..."Yup". rolleyes

tongue
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 01/06/02 02:58 AM

ROFLOL!!
Posted By: Brian

Re: A little levity - 01/06/02 05:11 AM

A large company offered to fly me out to a meeting business class.


During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in an air sickness bag.


After the plane landed I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?"


I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 01/11/02 11:07 PM

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts Your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 01/11/02 11:10 PM

* * * * Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support * * * *

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What do I do if one of my active files becomes corrupted?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 01/12/02 01:02 AM

Loved that one laugh

Quote
quote:


*NERD* ALERT!!! laugh
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 01/12/02 06:24 AM

You needn't alert us...we allready knew. tongue
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 01/16/02 03:54 AM

tongue


A man comes home from an exhausting day at workm plops down on the couch in front of the television and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer,

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches him another beer and slams ot down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 01/16/02 08:19 AM

"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff." - Anonymous
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 01/16/02 01:13 PM

It's started... HAHAHAAA!!!!

"Half is twice as less as double"

aleina
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 01/23/02 04:39 AM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PG-13~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gambling Nude


Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men. ruff
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 01/23/02 06:36 AM

tongue It wasn't their money she took laugh
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 01/23/02 12:23 PM

LIFE AS WE SEE IT

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine...is like night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot!

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last-thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have!
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machine.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way...you're in the wrong lane!!!
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened!!!

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then..I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you gro old; you
grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
It is very bad to suppress laughter: it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you are cheese or wine.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Have you ever wondered, why noses run and...feet smell?
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 01/23/02 06:37 PM

Love all those... I may start rotating them here smile

Here's a pretty funny one:

http://www.major3d.com/animate/Mouse_final.mpeg

laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/24/02 04:12 PM

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man by the name of Bonner, approached the White House. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing
guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine looked at the old man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. "

Then Bonner said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same old man approached the White House and said to the same U.S. Marine standing guard, "I would like to go in and meet
with President Clinton". The marine again told Bonner, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here."

Then Bonner said, "Okay" and walked away.

The third day, the same old man approached the White House and spoke to the same U.S. Marine standing guard, "I would like to go in and meet
with President Clinton".

The marine, a little agitated at this point, looked at Bonner and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I have told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

Then Bonner looked at the U.S. Marine and said,"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it".

The Marine guard saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 01/24/02 07:35 PM

Love that one Steve!!!

HAHAH laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 01/27/02 11:01 PM

Arthritis...

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 01/27/02 11:20 PM

Quote
quote:


Please do, I miss the quotes!

aleina
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 01/30/02 11:47 PM

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" laugh
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 01/31/02 05:53 AM

Ya sure are fond of those blonde, jokes Allen... smash
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 01/31/02 07:03 AM

ROFL...that was funny tho... laugh

meat
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/31/02 04:53 PM

I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN and darn proud of it -


I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin and antacid.

I am the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories.....over - - - and over -- - and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, Medicare, dental care.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds or politicians.

I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, and lumpy and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like........

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors, absolutely nothing!

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm in the "initial" stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S and AARP.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the key to it.

I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 02/01/02 05:17 PM

A grief-stricken man threw himself across the
grave and cried bitterly.

"My life, how senseless it is! How worthless is everything about me. If only you hadn't died,
If only fate had not been so cruel as to take
you from this world, how different my life would have been."

A clergyman happened by and to soothe the man he
offered a prayer.

Afterward he said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you."

"Oh yes," moaned the man.

"It's my wife's first husband!" smash
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 02/01/02 07:19 PM

Training Courses Now Available for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 02/01/02 11:26 PM

OMG Allen those are HILARIOUS!! ROTFLOLOLOLOL!!!!

btw you forgot
#30 Accepting Your Limitations: How to admit you're wrong

wink

aleina
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 02/07/02 07:54 PM

Where is the Love?

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.

Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow him to bits......."
Posted By: Ashley

Re: A little levity - 02/10/02 05:10 AM

Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

I only had one officer Mr. Keg...

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...You loser!

Come on write the darn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Aren't you one of the Village People?
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 02/20/02 04:01 PM

THE LOVE DRESS"

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the

recently married couple's house. She rang the

doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her

daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from

work." the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law

exclaimed.

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law

explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It

makes him happy and it makes me happy.

I would appreciate it if you would leave now

because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this

romantic talk and left.

On the way home she thought about the love

dress. When she got home she got undressed,

showered, put on her best perfume and waited by

the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in

and saw her standing there naked.

"What in the world are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

He said...
"Well it needs ironing...What's for supper?" smash
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 02/20/02 05:56 PM

laugh those have been funny, thanks laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 02/21/02 07:11 AM

Awwwwwwwwwwww grossssssssssssssss
hahahahahahahahahahahaa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject Train Ride

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek.

After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me & by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 02/22/02 03:53 PM

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her".

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never
shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for
this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He
took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said:

"This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair." smash

hoppy
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 02/22/02 09:07 PM

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decided to teach him a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan and hid in the dark to scare him when he got home.
When he finally came stumbling across the lawn, his wife jumped out in front of him and howled like a demon. He just looked at her and slurred, "You don't scare me; I'm married to your sister!" smash
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 02/23/02 12:52 AM

Aviation Rules

This appeared in the current issue of Australian Aviation Magazine (June 2000?).....

RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 02/23/02 07:19 AM

PG-13

Hospital Charts

Found in actual medical charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2.. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 02/23/02 11:25 AM

Those were all a riot!!!!! laugh Thanx!
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 02/26/02 05:17 AM

That was GREAT FC!! LOLOLOL

I am wondering where the individuals head was in number 18........... I think I have worked for him once...........
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 02/26/02 08:50 PM

They are commoner than we wanna admit too tongue

Blonde Medical Terminology

Artery ~~ Study of paintings
Bacteria ~~ Back door of cafeteria
Barium ~~ What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel ~~ Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section ~ District in Rome
Cat scan ~ Searching for kitty
Cauterize ~~ Made eye contact with her
Colic ~~ Sheep dog
Coma ~~ A punctuation mark
Congenital ~~ Friendly
D&C ~~ Where Washington is
Diarrhea ~~ Journal of daily events
Dilate ~~ To live long
Enema ~~ Not a friend
Fester ~~ Quicker
Fibula ~~ A small lie
G.I. Series ~~ Soldiers' ball game
Grippe ~~ Suitcase
Hangnail ~~ Coathook
Impotent ~~ Distinguished, well known
Intense pain ~~ Torture in a teepee
Labor pain ~~ Got hurt at work
Medical staff ~~ Doctor's cane
Morbid ~~ Higher offer
Nitrate ~~ Cheaper than day rate
Node ~~ Was aware of
Outpatient ~~ Person who had fainted
Pelvis ~~ Cousin of Elvis
Post operative ~~ Letter carrier
Protein ~~ Favoring young people
Rectum ~~ It almost killed him
Recovery room ~~ Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic ~~ Amorous
Scar ~~ Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion ~~ Hiding anything
Seizure ~~ Roman emperor
Serology ~~ Study of knighthood
Tablet ~~ Small table
Terminal illness ~~ Sickness at airport
Tibia ~~ Country in North Africa
Tumor ~~ An extra pair
Urine ~~ Opposite of you're out
Varicose ~~ Located nearby
Vein ~~ Conceited
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 02/27/02 12:12 AM

That was hilarious... laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 02/27/02 03:51 AM

check these out...they are funny... smile

http://laurasmidiheaven.com/card/pages/actualclassifiedads.shtml
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 03/01/02 09:53 PM

The Old rooster

Fred, a farmer goes out one day and buys a brand
new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you can't handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what, young stud. I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He
blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Dangit... third gay rooster I bought this month." smash

Moral of the story...

Don't mess with us old folks.... Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 03/03/02 12:10 AM

The Oreo Test

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.
--------------------------------

Results

1. The whole thing:
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time:
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical:
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous Nibbles:
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked:
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie:
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie:
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside:
You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them:
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies:
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are gay.

laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 03/04/02 12:52 AM

You know you're drunk when...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects
You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream
The back of your head keeps getting hit with the toilet seat
You sincerely believe alcohol to be the illusive 5th food group
You've fallen and can't get up
Beer Tender! Get me another Bar!
When you can focus better with one eye closed
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
Every woman you see has an exact twin
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger...forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth
Politicians sound sincere
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after biting you
The shrubbery's drunk too...from frequent watering
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in
Hi Ocifer, I'm not under the affluence of incohol
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 03/04/02 01:24 AM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Allen:
You lose arguments with inanimate objects</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">*cough*stumps*cough*
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 03/04/02 02:27 AM

*ahem*

You wouldn't be referring to anyone here would you Aleina???? tongue
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 03/04/02 02:33 AM

Embie, noooooooooo tongue
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 03/04/02 02:55 AM

I love things like this...actual legal documents that people really screwd up...like the legal transcriptions from court, medical documents...things of that nature.

These are from accident reports filled out for insurance companies:

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and colleded with a tree I didn't have.

A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished!

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of it's way when I struck my front end.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign appeared where no stop sign had ever been before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me, I struck a pedestrian.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentelman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and the passengers then left immediatly for a vacation with injuries.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

My car was legally parked as I backed into the other vehicle.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, I found that I had fractured my skull.

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came around the corner without signaling.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's intentions.

No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.

I misjudged a lady crossing the street.

I had been driving for about 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and crashed.

A cow wandered into my car. I was later informed that the unfortunate cow was half-witted.

The other man changed his mind, and I had to run into him!

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

And this one is especially for Allen. tongue

I'm not sure why or how...it just...happened!
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 03/04/02 03:33 AM

Those are a riot! I like to read those types too smile
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 03/04/02 05:40 AM

Found in letters of people applying for welfare.

I'm glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. say what???

I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to live an immoral life.

You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake, as you can see.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now livin with can't eat or do anything until he knows.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a baby boy weighting 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children I have on half a sheet of paper.

My husband got his projet cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since!

I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks, and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 03/04/02 06:02 AM

Lost in translation.

PG-13

In a Tokyo motel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels, please. If you are not a person to do such thingg is please not to read this notis.

In a Japanese motel:
Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belegrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. ???

In a Paris elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's window:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for laides with nuts.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foriegner if dressed as a man.

In a Norwegian coctail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

From a Japanese info booklet about using the hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just conditoin of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From the brouchure of a car-rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet himi melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle with him vigor.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/04/02 06:29 AM

Aleina- THB tongue THBTHBTHBT

Allen I am a 1 and a 6 in the oreo evaluation (yikes)

The rest: those were hillarious!
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 03/06/02 06:08 PM

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

General:

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 03/08/02 03:33 PM

Hey ladies, I know I'm dissin my own sista-hood, but you have to admit...this is hilarious!!! laugh

To Women everywhere, from the Men who have had enough!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
2. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us anymore, we refuse to answer.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. And don't ask us what we ARE thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such subjects as belly button lint or monster trucks.
5. Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the tides, there's nothing you can do about it. And shopping isn't a sport, never was a sport
never will be a sport.
6. And when we're going out, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. Just fine. The first thing you put on. Truly. Now let's get going.
7. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes, most guys own just 3 pairs of shoes. Why do you think we'd be any good at choosing which of your 30 pairs goes well with that dress?
8. Crying is blackmail.
9. Just come out and ask for what you want. Let's be absolutely clear on this point: Subtle hints don't work, strong hints don't work, really obvious hints don't work. If you're really serious about it, just come right out and ask us.
10. We don't know what day it is, and never will. Write all birthdays,anniversaries and other special occasions in bright red on the calendar.
11. Trust me on this, standing up while peeing makes it much harder to aim. We're bound to miss sometimes. It's not the end of the world.
12. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question.
13. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it, that's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
14. A headache that recurs every night is a problem. See a doctor.
15. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
16. Check your own oil.
17. It is not in your best interest or ours to take that magazine quiz together; It doesn't matter which magazine or which quiz.
18. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument and all comments become null and void after 7 days.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way.
20. You can either tell us to do something -or-tell us how to do something, but not both.
21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
22. All men see in about 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color. And life is easier if you bunch all those "eggshell" colors into "pretty much white."
23. When it itches, it will be scratched. Live with it.
24. Know how you feel about handbags? That's how we feel about beer.
25. If we ask what's wrong, and you say 'nothing,' we'll act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, it's just not worth the hassle.

Men... smash
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 03/08/02 07:10 PM

With the exception of beer (at least in my case tongue ) it's very accurate, should be required reading in 8th grade girls' health classes. laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 03/08/02 07:52 PM

...yes, at least they would know at a very young age, exactly what they will be up against... smash

...and Mr Cruel Dictator, I cannot respond to your PM as you are all filled up... wink I do, however have a response... tongue
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 03/09/02 06:06 AM

Women striking back... tongue

A man and his wife were having some problems at
home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.

The next morning the man woke up, only to
discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

hoppy

(MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORTS OF CONTESTS) laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 03/12/02 02:28 AM

Observation Skills

See if you can tell what's wrong with this picture:

http://www.btinternet.com/~fat_rabbit/whatswrong.html

laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 03/12/02 03:55 AM

OK....I really just wanna say that I hate you now... smash

my heart is in my mouth now...as I had my nose so close to that screen... eek

Like an idiot, I thought I was gonna find something...

that was just plain wrong. tongue tongue tongue

wink
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/13/02 05:22 PM

ROFLOLOLOL I like that one!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Supposedly True
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.

Thank you.

I have questioned whether or not these are my
children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should
know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction.
They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.

While you mull that over, keep in mind that she
has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the
virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this
one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is
purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflamables, inflatables, vehicles,or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp
and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure his one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her r's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two.

I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college,
but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly, Bob

(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund)
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 03/13/02 05:38 PM

ROFLOLOL! Great one! laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/15/02 03:11 PM

A few weeks ago, I was rushing around trying to get some shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So
mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet
sobbing.

The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel
shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost
from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four
sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His  Mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to
support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine's Day presents (since she didn't manage to get them anything on Christmas).

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
  The boy said, "I did."
  "And nobody came to help you?" I asked.
  The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
  "How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
  The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
  I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

   So I grabbed his other hundred and made a dash for my car.
  
Signed,
          Kenneth Lay
          Enron CEO
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 03/21/02 02:40 AM

Hey...I had someone snap this picture of Allen on his vacation when he wasn't looking...(erm...well...he didn't know we KNEW he was looking... laugh )

awwww...shucks...he caught me... smash
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 03/21/02 10:58 PM

where's the picture ? confused
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 03/23/02 05:03 AM

pg-13

The Audubon Zoo in New Orleans had acquired a very rare species of gorilla named Priscilla. Within a few weeks, she became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed their best employee, Boudreaux, working near her cage. Boudreaux, like most Cajuns, often bragged about how he could satisfy any female of ANY species.

So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Boudreaux was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Boudreaux scratched his head, looked at Priscilla and said he would have to think about it. The following day, Boudreaux said that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "Firse," he said, "I do not want to have to kiss her." "Second...you must not never told no one 'bout dis." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well da tird ting," said Boudreaux, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 03/23/02 05:35 AM

ruff silly redneck zookeepers...
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 03/23/02 08:09 AM

heheh... cajun, not redneck, tho I guess they could be both tongue

where's my infamous picture? jumpy
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 03/25/02 12:13 AM

OK...thanx to Aleina...we finally have Allen's pic... laugh

[Linked Image]
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 03/25/02 12:24 AM

Out of the Mouths of Babes

I was driving with my three young children
one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of
us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from
the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the
bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I
fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there
thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with
my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little
smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in
the toilet a few days ago."

On the first day of school, a first grader handed
his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his
parents."

A woman was trying hard to get the Ketchup to come
out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked
her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister,
Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added., "Mommy
can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting
the bottle."

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion
for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of
wild game. So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a
platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my
ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice
if pizzas lived in the woods."

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his
coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of
the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."
The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a
secret?"

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White
And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen
appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter
was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple
and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my
daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found
himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room
burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running
for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter --haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 03/25/02 12:25 AM

Allen, she forced me to upload it to my site!! She threatened to email my ISP and have them cancel my account AUGHHHH!!!
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 03/25/02 08:07 AM

baahhhh.. my eyes are green, usually tongue

loved those "out of the mouth..." stories embie laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 04/01/02 07:30 PM

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week."

"This is a good opportunity for me to get that
promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my
rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle
box." smash
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 04/19/02 12:40 AM

There was a tradesman,a painter called Jack who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happens, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of its biggest buildings. Jack put a bid on it and because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint, and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it with turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder and the sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jack clean off the scaffolding to land on the lawn amoung the gravestones, surrounded by the tell take puddles of thinned useless paint.

Well, Jack was no fool, he knew this was the judgement of the Almighty, so he got onto his knees and cried out," Oh God, Forgive me ! What should I do ?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,

(you'll love this)

"Repaint, Repaint, and Thin no more !"

rolleyes
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 04/22/02 02:22 AM

A Blonde goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven ten cap.

All the service guys looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine? Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Thinking maybe it's off an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a Chrysler.

"OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter.

What does it do?," they asked. She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

One of them gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.

rolleyes
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 04/26/02 07:09 AM

heheh.. I had to turn my head upside down to read it tongue
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 04/26/02 06:45 PM

ROFL! Me too! laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 04/27/02 07:39 PM

If you are into the "fast and furious", you might like this: Honda vs. VW .

laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 04/29/02 09:47 PM

This Baptist couple felt it important to own a equally Baptist pet, so they went shopping.

At the kennel specializing in this particular
breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the BIBLE, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to
look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Baptist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed him off a
little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they
hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

"Well", they said, "Let's try it out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog
jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head. They had been deceived!

He was Pentecostal!! wink
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 04/30/02 08:06 AM

heheh... laugh

After returning a persistently faulty PC to a shop five times over three months, a Wisconsin man snapped and took it apart with a sledgehammer in front of shocked shoppers.
Gary Wilke (aka Mr. Sledgehammer), from Appleton, Wisconsin, bought the $2,600 Gateway PC for his daughter in January. During its short life, the PC had problems both with its hard drive, and its sound system.

After taking computer to the shop in Appleton for a final time and smashing it to smithereens, the 51-year old bid staff and other customers good day before leaving, according to his own account. Staff at the Gateway Country store tell a different story. Wilke came out with a string of profanities as he pummelled his PC, they say.

In any case, Police from Grand Chute caught up with him and charged him with disorderly conduct.

But Mr. Sledgehammer is unrepentant.

He told local paper >The Post-Crescent: "I wonder how many people are out there complaining and not getting service. It feels good in a way."
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 04/30/02 07:52 PM

Brunette

A young brunette goes to the Doctor and says that her entire body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the Doctor, "show me!"

She takes her finger and touches her elbow and screams in agony. She touches her knee and screams, touches her ankle and screams and so it
goes; everywhere she touches makes her scream in pain.

The Doctor says,"You're not really brunette, are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 05/01/02 07:38 AM

I just found these, I needed a laugh, so I thought I'd share with you guys:
==========
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==========

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Dinner Specials: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Great Dames for sale.

Swim in our lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Mother's helper, peasant working conditions.

We will oil your sewing machine and djust tension in your home for $5.00.

====
Signs
====

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: "No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted."

Near an entrance: "Door Alarmed." Handprinted near it: "Window frightened."

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus: "Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice."

Ad seen near Johannesburg International Airport for a BMW convertible, showing the car with the roof and windows down. "Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!"

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen restaurant:
"Restrooms Right" and below it: "Please wait for hostess to seat you."

Seen in a health food store: "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot."

At a parking lot: "Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

Smoking doesn't kill people; People who are trying to quit smoking kill people
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 05/04/02 08:19 PM

Work vs. Prison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get 3 meals a day.
At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison a guard locks, unlocks...opens and closes all doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends.
At work you can't even speak to family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic.
At work we call them managers!
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/07/02 07:26 AM

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Atlanta, Greensboro, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Ft Worth, Texas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was
$10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now.....it's a local call."

laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 05/07/02 07:37 PM

I loved that !
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 05/28/02 04:36 AM

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you. laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 05/31/02 02:50 PM

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable.

A bossy businessman learned the hard way after
ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees.

But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but
eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard
people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

hoppy
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 06/04/02 07:33 AM

old one but good one laugh

If Microsoft Built Cars II

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared The computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.

4. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

5. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

6. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

7. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car''s performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

8. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

9. You''d press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 06/07/02 11:27 PM

Facts About Men

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men are very confident people. When they watch sports on television, they think that by concentrating they can help their team. If the team is in trouble, they coach the players from their living room, and if they're really in trouble, their wives/partner should stay off the phone in case they try to call him directly.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains more than one type of lettuce, he is serious.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on
cocoons and butterflies.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Men forget everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened!
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 06/11/02 07:48 AM

Sounds pretty accurate tongue

ruff
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 06/12/02 05:48 AM

Like the title said "Facts.... about men....." eek laugh eek laugh smash
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 06/12/02 11:24 AM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">"Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">No truer words were ever spoken... tongue
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 06/13/02 01:02 AM

i suggest saying something like "are we spending christmas at your parents or mine ?" you dotn even have to say the "l" word, just suggest it and watch'm run

smile
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 06/19/02 06:30 AM

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

laugh laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 06/20/02 04:29 AM

Call Me...

The following ad appeared in a newspaper ......

SBF Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in
the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/ fishing trips.

I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me
respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-XXXX and ask
for Daisy.
.......................................................................................................................................

(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.)

hoppy
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 06/20/02 05:45 PM

Jesus and Moses smile

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big heist, then began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he hears: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked: "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The bird replies: "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 06/21/02 06:18 AM

*WARNING* PG-13

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first
man presses his forearm and the beeping stops.
The others look at him curiously.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second
man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes
he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a
microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps
out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with
a piece of toilet paper extending from his
butt. The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains. hat
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 06/24/02 06:07 AM

hahah! laugh

smash
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 06/24/02 06:26 AM

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

smash
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 06/24/02 06:38 AM

hoppy
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 06/26/02 07:40 AM

I am a stud!

http://cstrike.hcis.net:8080/glitch/final.swf

Notice how well my diet is beginning to kick in?

tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 06/26/02 08:51 AM

You are a very sick man!! ROFLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Well at least your exercise program is balanced even if your taste in workout music is um an aberration tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 06/27/02 06:43 AM

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day they snuck past security and went exploring the other parts of the hospital. Before security could catch them they stumbled on the hospital swimming pool. Crazy Jim's eyes lit up and he plunged into the deep end. In a flurry of bubbles he quickly sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and dragged him to the bathroom.

Because of the confusion it caused, the medical director wasn't made aware of it for a bit. But after hearing of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital. He now considered her to be mentally competent.

When he went to tell Mary the news, he said, "Mary, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is -- you're being discharged -- because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is that Jim used his bathrobe belt to hang himself in the bathroom."

Mary, beaming with pride, boasted, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry....
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 06/27/02 07:24 AM

Remember George Carlin..

"Take your average stupid person, and realize that half of them are stupider than that!"
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 06/28/02 06:02 AM

Hen Pecked

A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him
around, so he decides to go to a psychiatrist. The doctor tells him he has to develop self esteem. The doctor gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home.

When he walks through the door and his wife comes to greet
him, he tells her, "From now on I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want my dinner on the table. Now get upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub
guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The undertaker." she replies.
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 06/28/02 06:28 PM

Hitler's Mistakes
The following began life as a Top Ten list of "Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler." it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular nationality (read, the French.) You'll have to excuse the fact that some of them are rather obscure, but that's what happens when you get a bunch of political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you...

Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler

1. Land War in Asia
2. Changed name from highly catchy 'Schickelgruber' to boring 'Hitler'
3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects
4. Not buying lifts for his shoes
5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
6. Failure to exploit Eva Braun
7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
8. Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image
9. Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan
10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
14. Free beer in munitions plants
15. Lisp never corrected
16. Bad toupe
17. Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
19. Fell asleep in staff meetings
20. Chose Italy as ally
21. Land War in Asia
22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably like a bullseye from the air
25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
26. Never had fireside mass rallies
27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name
28. Used SS instead of LAPD
29. Admired Napoleon's strategy
30. Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him constantly
31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii
32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war advice
33. Major theme in speeches -- "liebensraum, or "living room" -- widely misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
34. Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess's pilot licence.
35. Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
36. Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
37. Breast feeding for too long
38. Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR
39. Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch
40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own escape.
41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland
42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion of Soviet Union
43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power
44. Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords
45. Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited for the punchline)
46. Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar for "best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech undermined image.
47. Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in a can"
48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much
embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the "Oberdude"
49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a wimp?"
50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
51. Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
52. Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the last second
53. Failed to encourage tourism
54. Being born
55. Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
56. Alienated Chamberline at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his back
57. Kept Colonel Klink in command
58. Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled threat
59. Used same astrologer as the Reagans
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 06/29/02 03:57 AM

22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line

that's my favorite
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/02/02 09:37 AM

Ten famous last words

OK, it's safe to cross the road now.
No, this socket's not live any more.
Put that knife away before you hurt yourself
How long's this ham been in the fridge?
I've done this a million times before.
Do you hold it this way round?
Yes, towards me, keep on coming.
That doesn't hurt.
Honestly - I can drink 25 pints a night.
So, the lion, temporarily tranquilized by this dart...
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 07/02/02 10:21 AM

ROFLOL

AND From Texas: "Hey, Watch this!"
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/02/02 06:44 PM

Ten things you can do to make yourself more popular in the office

- Turn all the lights off when you come arrive in the morning, turn them all on when you leave.
- Amass all the staplers in your drawer and greet any enquiries with a vague 'Yeah, mine's gone missing as well,' while simultaneously struggling to staple a 26 page document with a mini stapler.
- Set the 'Autocorrect' function on the word processer to convert 'the' into 'teh' and 'butter' into 'bugger'.
- Forget everyone's name and refer constantly to them as 'Dave'.
- Pause inappropriately mid-sentence and then angrily shout 'I did not watch my buddies die face down in Vietnam for this' before calmly continuing with your previous comments.
- Substitute an entirely random word (such as fish) for another commonly used word (such as biscuits) during lunch break.
- Make up non-descriptive or generally misleading names for things and become increasingly agitated when no-one understands you.
- Insist on telling what you claim to be a great joke with no punchline (such as: Did you hear the one about David Beckham? He just woke up one morning and he was married.) Now laugh uproariously and repeat 'Married, do you get it? Married?' When (as is inevitably the case) someone admits that they do get it just to get rid of you, insist they explain it to everyone else in the office.
- Open a tin of tuna. Place it at the back of your colleague's drawer. Say nothing for a month.
- Arrive early one morning. Wrap everything in the office (monitors, desks, staplers if you haven't already stolen them etc) in old newspaper. Then feign surprise when asked who did it.

english humor rolleyes

handlebar
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/08/02 01:35 AM

Three race horses were bragging about their race averages.
"I won 5 out of 20 races" said the first horse.

"Oh yea! I won 15 out of my 30" said the second.

"Hah! I won 50 out of 60" said the third.

Hiding behind a hay bail, a greyhound was listening in on the conversation. He steps into view and
says. "Well I won 99 out of 100 of my races"

The third horse looks at the second horse and says "WOW!!...A talking dog!"

laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/08/02 08:48 AM

Two deaf guys were standing on street corner. One says to the other "Windy today isn't it?"

"No", says the other, "It's Thursday"

"So am I, lets go for a beer"

laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/08/02 09:34 PM

A man is sitting in the street on a stool next to an open manhole cover with a little rod, the line dangling into the hole as if he were ice-fishing.
A passerby inquires, "Caught anything?"

The man replies, "Yes, you're the third so far."

laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 07/09/02 01:06 AM

Three generations of retired gents were sitting on a park bench discussing their "regularity"...

The first one says, I'm only 60 and I can't go to save my life...

The second one says, I'm 70 and I'm beginning to have trouble...need to take that there metamucil stuff I reckon...

The third one sighs with a sad look on his face and says...I go like clockwork, every morning at 9:00 am.

The other two look at him and ask, why the long face, you go every morning at 9:00 am...

The older man says...

I don't wake up till 10... smash
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 07/09/02 01:09 AM

eeeeeewwwwwwww lol
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/09/02 08:20 AM

In a cloud of smoke, a genie stands beside the bottle.
"You know the drill, I'll grant you any wish you want... "

Hmmmm... the man thinks about it for a while. "I've always wanted to travel around the world, but I get awfully seasick and I'm afraid of flying. I want you to build me a road that goes around the world"

The genie thinks about it for a while (he's only a trainee genie) and starts shaking his head. "Mmmmm. Wild storms, shifting currents, structural damage due to natural disaster, supports that reach kilometers down to the ocean floor... "

"Is there anything else you'd like ? This one is a tough problem... I'm not sure if I can deliver" the genie tells the man.

"Well... I've always wanted to know how a woman's mind worked." the man replied

"Was that a dual carriageway, with three lanes in both directions that you were after ?"

laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 07/09/02 01:45 PM

tongue
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/10/02 07:20 AM

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that.! But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five good leads," says Tommy.
ruff
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/11/02 08:35 AM

What would you be if a piano fell on you? You'd 'b flat'

What would the injuries be if it just fell on your toe? They'd 'b minor'

rockband
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 07/12/02 05:09 AM

ha
ha

okay that doesn't even deserve a third "ha". rolleyes
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/14/02 07:42 AM

tongue

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time.
The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together.

The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons.

When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent."

laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 03:58 AM

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

tipsy
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 04:21 AM

lol, Allen sure has alot of drinking jokes.
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 04:27 AM

tipsy

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken a back, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" ...and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

tongue
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 04:28 AM

lol
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 04:30 AM

There was an old guy who was full of hatred and bitterness to everyone around him, especially his wife. They would have bawling matches night and day, always ending with the guy screeching that when he died he was going to claw his way back from the grave just to make sure he got the final word.
Time passed and he died. At the funeral all the wifes friends, relations and neighbours asked her if she was frightened that he would make good his promise.

"No", she said, "He can claw his way out of the coffin if he likes, I had him buried upside down"
smash
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 04:47 AM

hahaha...If I ever get married, my spouse is gonna have to bury me upside down in order to get the last word too. laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 04:48 AM

imagine that tongue

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item to entertain themselves while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said he intended to learn how to draw and paint.

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two noticed and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled and said, "I brought these!"

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?"

"It says right here on the box! I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

yay yay yay
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 04:52 AM

shocked HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 04:53 AM

Oh yeah, and what was that snide little comment s'posed to mean??

"imagine that..." tongue
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 04:55 AM

tongue

You might like this one too:

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 05:02 AM

Rolling out of my chair. hahehehehahaohohahahahahahehehehe
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 05:05 AM

Two newlyweds were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hey," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 05:06 AM

How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't, you get down off a duck.

laugh
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 05:07 AM

omg...it took a minute for me to get that. hahaha
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 05:17 AM

A man had a dog called Minton. One day Minton ate two shuttlecocks. When the owner found out, he said: "bad Minton."

tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 05:18 AM

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Posted By: Brenda

Re: A little levity - 07/15/02 06:04 PM

I still don't get Allen's elephant joke. confused
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/18/02 08:10 AM

down grows on ducks, not elephants. hhahahahahheheh... eh, nevermind tongue

Here's one you might like better :

Q. What's the difference between a duck?

A. One of its legs is the same.

yay yay yay

tongue
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 07/18/02 02:20 PM

q: What's the difference between a crocodile?
a: It walks better than it runs!
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/19/02 07:26 AM

Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia 2-To-1
CHICAGO—In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated are breeding twice as soon and twice as often as those with university diplomas. "The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional," study leader Kenneth Stalls said. "America's intellectual elite, as a result, is badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born for every one generation of cultured literates." Added Stalls: "At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with their like." High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, "All I know is, we're in love."
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 07/19/02 08:45 AM

ROFLOLOLOL
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/21/02 07:08 AM

AMISH VIRUS:

You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files.

Thank thee.
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 07/24/02 01:55 PM

I know I've posted these before, but re-reading them makes me roll! laugh hoppy
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/25/02 12:16 AM

Please post that at the top of GW, it should be required reading.
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 07/25/02 02:45 AM

we do have our moments, don't we?...
yay
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/26/02 07:46 AM

occasionally...

Family Upgrades To Shells & Cheese
MOBILE, AL— After years of eating regular Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the Conroy family upgraded Monday to the higher-end Velveeta Shells & Cheese. "We've finally arrived," said wife Beverly Conroy while serving up a heaping bowl of the delicacy, made possible by husband Corey's 35-cent raise at the local tile factory. "It's nothing but the finest processed instant foods for us from now on." Pending sensible budgeting, the family hopes to move up from Hydrox cookies to Oreos by August.
Posted By: Kingpin

Re: A little levity - 07/26/02 02:30 PM

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot Grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!....."

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 07/27/02 02:46 AM

DANG! I hate when I can't post a pic... smash
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/27/02 05:51 PM

Great one Aleina laugh

How many feet are in a yard?
It depends on how many people are standing in it.
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 07/27/02 08:26 PM

Kingpin --> ROTF!! help

What goes "Meep Meep, Meep Meep"?
A roadrunner with a beeper

tongue
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/29/02 08:09 AM

heheh... my joke was stupid, yours better tongue

6-Year-Old Cries When Told MTM Productions Kitten Dead By Now
RYE, NY—Following a WKRP In Cincinnati rerun Friday, 6-year-old Megan Connor was devastated to learn that the mewling orange kitten in the MTM Productions logo has almost certainly been dead for years. "All I said was that that kitten was around back when I was a kid, so it probably died 15 or 20 years ago," said father Bruce Connor, 39. "Now she won't come out of her room." Megan's parents plan to forbid Megan from watching Family Ties reruns for fear of having to explain the whereabouts of Ubu.
Posted By: Kingpin

Re: A little levity - 07/31/02 01:36 PM

eek PG-13 eek

Doctor's Notes:

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!"

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

"Big breaths," I instructed.

"Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

* * * * * * * * * * * *
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

* * * * * * * * * * *
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand."

He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.

"Now both," I requested.

There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked;
he was standing there with both his eyes covered.

I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that
he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I
asked.

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!"

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about
twenty years when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

* * * * * * * * * * *
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get
used to the taste," the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams.
To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly
burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
Posted By: Brandi

Re: A little levity - 07/31/02 06:13 PM

Kingpin those are so funny, the last one was the best. Are these true? Could people really be that far out there in left field? Sometimes I wonder!!
Posted By: Kingpin

Re: A little levity - 07/31/02 07:16 PM

Yep, these are absolutely true accounts. Some people.... smile
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/04/02 09:16 PM

http://www.alltel.net/~revdear/Conan-Triumph-at-Star-Wars.wmv

All Stars Wars fans and haters will love this,

hilarious... rated pg laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/07/02 12:17 AM

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID !#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

. . . I'm sorry ... what did you ask me?
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 08/07/02 01:06 AM

lol
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 08/07/02 05:48 AM

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman meant to him and how blessed he felt to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you would always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you would always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you would always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.
Posted By: Brenda

Re: A little levity - 08/07/02 06:18 AM

Allen & Michelle...ooowwww my stitches!!! laugh
Posted By: Kingpin

Re: A little levity - 08/07/02 12:34 PM

ouch...that one hurt michelle... laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/08/02 05:02 AM

Beer Makes You Smarter

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 08/08/02 05:15 AM

hehe...
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 08/08/02 05:30 AM

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/08/02 05:44 AM

Beware of the Witch Doctor

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."

With that he pulls out a little 3 inch man from hispocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al,go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 08/08/02 06:18 AM

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening.
The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash
and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman
jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore!
I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair.
If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman.
Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up
to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt.
She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.
He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her,
"I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"
Eagerly, she shakes her head, Yes! As the man hands her his shirt, he says,
"Here. Iron this."
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/08/02 07:41 AM

I'll bet that one goes over well in GW wink

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"My fee is $100 per visit."
"That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Shakey. "Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you."

Six months later, the doctor and Shakey crossed paths. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For $100 a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for $10!"

"How do you figure?" asked the psychiatrist.

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/09/02 09:29 PM

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/11/02 01:31 AM

Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by? The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde."
Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde."

The other said, "Suicide blonde? What's that?"

The friend said, "Dyed by her own hand!"
Posted By: foreverchanged

Re: A little levity - 08/11/02 02:41 AM

*groans*

Oh, that was bad.
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/12/02 07:10 AM

Scientists have discovered a protein responsible for obesity....

bacon

tongue
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/13/02 06:43 PM

Not to long ago a blonde woman I know had a near death experience that has changed her forever. She was horseback riding, and everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Her foot became caught in the stirrup. She fell head first to the ground and her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just when things were looking their worst, as she was giving up hope and about to lose consciousness, there was a miracle: The Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 08/13/02 06:51 PM

uuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh! tongue

Hey Allen...I noticed you had a joke about Rodney...

Maybe Steve will share his clip about Rodney... yay yay yay
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/14/02 07:17 AM

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed." smash
Posted By: Brenda

Re: A little levity - 08/15/02 01:14 AM

A man's praying to God "Please God let me win the lottery!"

The next week rolls around & he's praying & pleading "Please God let me win the lottery!!"

The following week rolls around & he's pretty desperate by now "Please God let me win the lottery!!!!"

God finally says to him "Man?! meet me halfway & buy a lottery ticket."
Posted By: Brenda

Re: A little levity - 08/15/02 11:49 PM

TOP TEN "BIBLICAL WAYS" TO FIND A MATE

10. Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hos. 1:1-3)

9. Play Peeping Tom with the neighbor's bathing wife. Order her and have her delivered like pizza. (David, 2 Sam. 11)

8. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one you like and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjamites, Judg. 21:19-25)

7. Find a man with 7 daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. You will get his daughter's hand in marriage for your trouble.
(Moses, Ex. 2:16-21)

6. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. It's all relative of course. (Cain, Gen. 4:16-17)

5. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. The winner is your wife.
(Xerxes, Est. 2:3-4)

4. Agree to work 7 years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another 7 years for your bride. That's right, 14 years of toil for your wife. (Jacob, Gen. 29:14-30)

3. Purchase a piece of property and get awoman as part of the deal. Price includes tax, title, and license. (Boaz, Ruth 4:5-10)

2. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.
Adam, Gen. 2:19-24)

1. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her; she's the one for me." (Samson, Judg. 14:1-3)
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/16/02 12:52 AM

thanks, great tips wink


Nation's Economic Recovery Hinging On Success Of Diet Vanilla Coke

WASHINGTON, DC—As the nation struggles through a recession, economy watchers are pinning their hopes for recovery on the soon-to-be-launched Diet Vanilla Coke. "Diet Vanilla Coke, to be introduced this fall, is our last, best chance at turning this thing around," Fed chief Alan Greenspan said. "We had hoped that Pepsi Blue or Dr. Pepper Red Fusion would stem the tide, but consumers have not responded in sufficient numbers." If Diet Vanilla Coke fails to jumpstart the economy, experts say the U.S. is doomed.
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 08/16/02 11:37 AM

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed that little Alex was staring up at
the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was
covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of
it. The little seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time,
so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor Jamison, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a Memorial to all the young men and women who died in the
service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's
voice was barely audible when he asked. "Which service, the 9:00 or the
11:00 o'clock?"
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/20/02 01:30 AM

The following are answers given by students to exam questions on the Bible:

The first book of the Bible is Guinness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan Of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals.

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.

The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

David fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew.

Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

laugh
Posted By: Brenda

Re: A little levity - 08/20/02 01:49 AM

Those were really cute answers...hope they were given by elementary-aged students. smile
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/22/02 05:45 AM

Prolly highschool science students tongue

In the news: British scientists have developed a cell phone tiny enough to be inserted into a tooth by a dentist.

Is that amazing?!

I didn't know the British had dentists... tongue
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/22/02 11:42 PM

A cute young woman was giving a manicure to a man in the barber shop. The man said, "How about a date later?"
"I'm married," she answered.

With a wink he said, "So, just tell him you're going out with your girlfriends."

"Tell him yourself," she said, "he's shaving you." smash
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 08/23/02 02:40 PM

ROFLOL

I can top that!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing.
She had read many books on the subject, and finally, after getting
all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens,
the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end
of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice
came
once more, even louder:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice
replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK!!"
Posted By: Brenda

Re: A little levity - 08/23/02 05:31 PM

LOL...that was great! laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 08/26/02 05:36 AM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny's mother told him that he had been a very naughty boy and, as punishment, she decided to omit his favorite vegetable from his
dinner. That evening he sat down at the table and moaned, "I've only got beans, carrots and potatoes. Where are..." His mother interrupted him. "You know what they say, Johnny, no peas for the wicked.

owwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/28/02 03:14 AM

The Tackle Box

On her 15th birthday, Sally opened a package from her mom and sister. Out came a beauty case containing samples of her very own makeup. "Oh, neat," her dad said excitedly, "a tackle box!"

Her mother and sister explained that it was a beauty kit, not a tackle box. As she opened it up and showed everyone the eye shadow, mascara, and rouge, her father leaned over to her mother and
whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."... smash
Posted By: Brenda

Re: A little levity - 08/28/02 10:21 PM

I'm bustin a gut rolleyes
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/29/02 07:05 AM

Heimlich Demands Maneuver Royalties
CINCINNATI—Lawyers for Dr. Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, warned Monday that the doctor will sue anyone who performs his patented procedure without paying royalties. "The Heimlich maneuver is a registered trademark of my client," attorney Steve Greene said. "We are prepared to protect Mr. Heimlich's proprietary rights, even if it means filing a legal injunction against any non-royalty-paying choking victims."
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 09/06/02 08:03 AM

DILBERT

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-

MALE LANGUAGE PATTERNS

"That's women's work,"
REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Can I help with dinner?"
REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain,"
REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately,"
REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late,"
REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard,"
REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear,"
REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"You expect too much of me,"
REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake?"

"It's really a good movie,"
REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal,"
REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house,"
REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing,"
REALLY MEANS, "I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"What did I do this time?"
REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you,"
REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend
the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit,"
REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present,"
REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."

"I missed you,"
REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are,"
REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

"This relationship is getting too serious,"
REALLY MEANS, "I like you as much as I like my truck."

"We share the housework,"
REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

tongue
(I know some of these are repeats from an older post, but hey.....)
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 09/07/02 10:16 PM

tongue

Three vampires walk into a bar in Transylvania and sit on the stools. The bartender looks at the first and, in a thick Transylvanian accent, says, "May I halp you?" The first responds with, "I would like ... a blood."

The bartender turns to the second and says, "May I help you?" The second thinks for a short time and says, "I would like ... a blood."

The bartender goes over to the third and, once again, says, "May I help you?" The third looks at him and says, "I would like ... a plasma."

The bartender looks over his shoulder and says to his partner, "Give me two bloods and a blood light."
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 09/11/02 10:43 AM

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways
and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my
regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 09/14/02 10:43 PM

Two women are discussing marriage, and one says, "We've been married 10 years, and every night my husband has complained about the dinner. Not one night without complaining about the food."

"That's awful," the other woman says. "That must really bother you."

"No, not in the slightest," says the first one.

"You must be a saint," her friend says.

"Why should I object?" the first one says. "A lot of people don't like their own cooking."

laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 09/16/02 02:45 AM

A little boy asks his mom..."Mom, Is it true that from dust we came and to dust we'll go?"

The mother said, "Yes, son, that's true."

The boy said "Well, there's either someone coming or going under my bed"... laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 09/19/02 03:41 PM

*******WARNING PG-13*********

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding aquarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies...."Divorce Attorney." laugh
Posted By: Brandi

Re: A little levity - 09/19/02 05:25 PM

I like that one, this makes my day! jumpy
Posted By: Brenda

Re: A little levity - 09/20/02 12:36 PM

What happens when the divorce attorney's a male eek ?
Posted By: Brenda

Re: A little levity - 09/23/02 04:21 AM

Got this in my email from a friend; way funny:

This is #11 of the excerpt from the Wall Street Journal article:

Computer Support Anecdotes

11. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. he was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive smash .
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 09/24/02 06:43 AM

oldie but goodie!

A man is walking home alone late one night when
he hears a loud BUMP BUMP! behind him.

Walking faster, he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.BUMP, BUMP....

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him, faster and faster. BUMP, BUMP, BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys,
opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

But the coffin crashes through his door, with its lid clapping -- clappity-BUMP! -- on the heels of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down
the door, bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything! But all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup. Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin...

The coffin stops.
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 09/28/02 02:14 PM

Oooooooo, man.....that one hurt... tongue

K-mart's favorite lady - Martha Stewart

MARTHA STEWART If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for
an instant "fix-me-up."

REAL WOMEN If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too dang bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you
will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
---------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

REAL WOMEN Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
----------------------------------------------
MARTHA STEWART Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

REAL WOMEN Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up,
eating it anyway.
----------------------------------------------
MARTHA STEWART To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

REAL WOMEN Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
--------------------------------------------
MARTHA STEWART When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

REAL WOMEN Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
--------------------------------------------
MARTHA STEWART Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

REAL WOMEN The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
--------------------------------------------
MARTHA STEWART If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.

REAL WOMEN Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
---------------------------------------------
And finally the most important tip - MARTHA STEWART Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

REAL WOMEN Leftover wine?????? laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 09/30/02 09:37 AM

Hee hee!
Posted By: Brenda

Re: A little levity - 10/01/02 04:39 PM

Took me a few seconds to figure that one out Steve...cute wink

__________________________________________________

embie, those were great!!!! laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/02/02 10:23 AM

Just had to post this one! laugh

Why do men die before their wives?
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<'Cause they want to! smash

Awwww man that is cold!!!
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/09/02 01:48 AM

If you took everybody who feel asleep in church and put them end to end in a line on the floor they'd be much more comfortable.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/09/02 05:52 AM

tongue

that one took me a sec! LOLOL I was just agreeing roflolol
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/10/02 06:54 AM

Careful this is painful!

A Czechoslovakian scientist and a Polish scientist had both spent their professional lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone National Park, in America to study the bears. Finally, one year, both their requests were granted, and they immediately flew to New York and onward west to
Yellowstone.

They reported to the ranger station at Yellowstone, and were told that it was grizzly mating season, and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. The scientists pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally
the ranger relented. The Czech and the Pole were given portable phones and were told to report in every day. For several days they called in, but then nothing was heard from either one of them.

The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp from where they last reported in, completely
ravaged with no sign of the missing men. The rangers then followed the trail of the male and female bear. The found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared
an international incident. So they killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Polish scientist. One ranger turned to the other and said "of course, you know what this means? The other ranger responded" of course.....
>
>
>
>

the Czech is in the male.
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 10/10/02 05:29 PM

ouch ! slap
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/14/02 03:22 AM

ARE THESE THE RULES?
Some have experienced these very issues. For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally,
this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
AIM: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's just the way the game's played.

Here's a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed .............................+1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty... 0
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex...-1
You go out to buy her extra-light pant liners with wings...+5
in the snow....................................+8
but return with beer...........................-5
and no liners.................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.......0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5
You pummel it with a six iron................+10
It's her cat.................................-40


AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire evening........0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking pal.......................-2
Named Tiffany..................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer...........................-10
With breast implants.........................-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.......................0
You buy a card and flowers..................... 0
You take her out to dinner..................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Ok, it is a sports bar.........................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.................-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team...-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate................................ 0
The mate is happily married...................+1
The mate is single............................-7
He drives a Ferrari..........................-10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED).-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a see a film..................+2
You take her to a see a film she likes........+4
You take her to a see a film you hate.........+6
You take her to a see a film you like.........-2
It's called Death Cop III.....................-3
Featuring Cyborgs that eat humans.............-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15


YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly...........-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts........-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding...................-10
You reply, "Where?"..........................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt".....-100
Any other response...........................-20


COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression..0
You listen, for over 30 minutes...............+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.... +50
You're mind wanders to football and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?"...................-100
You have fallen asleep.......................-200


IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk...................................-100
You don't talk.............................-150
You spend time with her....................-200
You don't spend time with her..............-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself.....GAME OVER - YOU LOSE !
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/14/02 04:05 AM

ROFLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!! tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/15/02 09:56 AM

Oh this is too good!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they
laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast. eek

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies........
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wait for it..
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it's coming..
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the suspense is killing you, isn't it?
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She says....."You just happened to catch my eye."
tongue tongue tongue tongue

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(oh shut up, I just post them, I don't write them!)
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/15/02 06:27 PM

I think we're all dumber for reading that one tongue
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/15/02 08:23 PM

OMG...I am just dying tho laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/16/02 02:15 AM

tongue

This one is an old one and just might hurt more brain cells smile

Many of us have heard the story of the time in 1992 when Clinton went on Mtv and some girl asked him "America is _dying_ to know: Is it boxers, or briefs?" The candidate then feigned embarrassment and said "Boxers."

In 1995, some guy decided to ask Speaker Newt the same question. Newt appropriately answered back "That was a stupid question."

This year, someone decided that America must know what citizen Dole wears. "Is it boxers, or briefs?" With a straight face he answered back, "Depends..."
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/16/02 05:43 AM

EWWWWWW slap ROFLOLOL
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/16/02 06:23 AM

What Hallmark Doesn't Print:

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder?
What the hell was I thinking?

5. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

6. How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?

7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love. After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my
life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I
am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

10. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

11. Someday I hope to get married.
But not to you.

12. Happy birthday! You look great for your
age...
Almost Lifelike!

13. When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

14. We have been friends for a very long
time...
what say we stop?

15. I'm so miserable without you ...
it's almost like you're here.

16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

17. Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

18. Happy Birthday, Uncle-Daddy!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky,
Arkansas and West Virginia)
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/18/02 11:11 AM

Read this in a joke list, I will have to remember..

Just a thot.........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it. I purchased one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 1-900 number on it.

At $1.95 cents a call, I've been making $88 a week! tipsy
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 10/20/02 12:50 PM

ROTFLOLOLOLOL@Hallmark!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/22/02 10:24 AM

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example,
most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was made in England.
The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment, scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting the delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as...Sinko de Mayo.

*rim-shot*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TRAGEDY HITS IN EASTERN CANADA

Gander NLFD (CP)

Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 10/22/02 06:29 PM

Uh Uh , I didnt hear that ....no way
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/23/02 10:37 AM

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see," "yes," "go on," "I understand," and "how did you feel about that?"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, "Whoa... What
happened next?"

laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/24/02 02:16 AM

You are taking photographs in a
haunted house and you spot a ghost. He
agrees to have his picture taken
but your camera fails to flash. What's
the problem?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

*shudder* laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/29/02 12:14 PM

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.

4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

8) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my
mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,
how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."

15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

18) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 11/15/02 09:10 AM

One for the Nurses!!

You know it's going to be a bad day in the ER when...

You show up for work and notice bars have just been installed on all the windows and there is now a metal detector at the hospital entrance.

The paramedics in the parking lot are all using mops to clean up their ambulances and the EMTs are using a hose.

The off-going shift has a hard time keeping a straight face when giving report, especially about Room 15.

Your first patient of the day insists there is no way that she can be pregnant. She's crowning.

Your next five patients and their families all scream at you in different languages, none of which you speak.

Your next patient screams at you in a language you do understand, but you can't remember hearing that many obscenities strung together at once.

The intoxicated 250 Kg. transvestite in Room 15 keeps trying to get your home phone number because you "are just too sweet.

The hospital's attorney wants to talk to you, but her secretary won't tell you what it's about.

The hospital has a surprise disaster drill. You were the only one who wasn't tipped off.

The psychiatric patients' delusions are beginning to make sense........
Posted By: Haze

Re: A little levity - 11/15/02 06:30 PM

ROTFLOL...Good Laud..these are so accurate they're scary...now when I return to work on Tuesday I fully expect the bars..the other stuff comes with the territory...you forgot the "administration wants you in the office now"..so you wonder..ok this is number 4 for the week and it's only tuesday!!what this time...Ms. So and So said that you need an attitude adjustment..."what did I do"..she said you were rude..."how was I rude" ..you told her she should try motrin rather than tylenol for his pain..."well I did say that because of the anti-inflammatory effects" well she didn't appreciate it and the patients/family perception of what you say is all that matters so...we have to write it up and put it in your personal files...Mr. So and so..complained that you made him get up on the stirups in the gyn room...and he felt degraded and demeaned so he's gotten himself a lawyer...well if Mr. So and so didn't like texas tumblers so much....uhhhh..I wouldn't have to search for it!!! eek ...need I say more...lol..or the nice calm little old lady who proceeds to beat the living **** outta ya...I've been kicked, punched, choked...blood been drawn..but still no bars..they might be a welcomed addition...but I do love my job...go figure... hoppy hoppy hoppy hoppy
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 11/15/02 11:22 PM

One less swimmer in the darwin pool it seems:


Fight Over Hairy Rears Lands 1 In Jail, 1 In Hospital

MANSFIELD TOWNSHIP, N.J. -- A fight between friends has landed one of them in the hospital and the other in jail.

Police in Mansfield Township, N.J., say Emmanuel Nieves and Erik Saporito were talking with friends early Wednesday -- arguing over who had the hairiest buttocks.

According to police, Nieves got so upset, he pulled a knife and slashed Saporito on the head. He's OK after being treated at a Hackettstown, N.J., hospital.

Nieves is being held on $25,000 bond this morning. Charges include aggravated assault, terroristic threats, weapons offenses and criminal mischief.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 11/18/02 05:03 AM

All that when he could have woven a nice rug........... tongue
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 11/18/02 04:27 PM

Subject: Italian-American Christmas


I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents' house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to
see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees.

So, I was wrong. Sue me.

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve."

"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.

I had only known my mother for 31 years when I told her I'd be bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really looking forward
to meeting all of you."

"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.

And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me. What more could I want?

I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the season an Italian woman's raison d'etre. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being. I brought her anyway.

7p.m. - we arrive .

Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen
like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake. My father is equally observant. He pulls me into the
living room and notes, "She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being."

7:30p.m. - Others arrive.

Uncle Ziti walks in with my Aunt Mafalde, assorted kids, assorted gifts. We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone, and anchovies. When I offer to make Karen's plate she says, "Thank you. But none of those things, okay?" She points to the anchovies.

"You don't like anchovies?" I ask. "I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all as 67 other varieties of foods-that-swim are baking, broiling
and simmering in the next room.

My mother makes the sign of the cross.

Things are getting uncomfortable. Aunt Mafalde asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve. Karen says,"Knockwurst." My father, who is still staring in a daze, at Karen's chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, "Knockers?"

My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot. None of this is turning out the way I'd hoped.

8:00p.m. - Second course.

The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with butter and ketchup. My
mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my "Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the "Merry Christmas" tablecloth and walk into
the kitchen. "I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. "But if she pours this on
my pasta, I'm going to throw acid in her face."
"Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants."

My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she
grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth," she says, "are you serious with this tramp?" "She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her
for three weeks." "Well, it's your life", she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll poison you."

8:30p.m. - More fish.

My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé plant hangers that are always three times larger than the plants they hold. All the women get up
to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette. "Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest. Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks. "Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling painfully. "Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she reenters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head, and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says, "Whoops." I vaguely remember that
line from Torch Song Trilogy. "Whoops?" NO. "Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft."

More fish comes out.

After some goading, Karen tries a piece of scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms." My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women
you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Aunt Mafalde does the same.

Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest. My Uncle Ziti doesn't
know what to make of it. My father's dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.

10:00p.m. - Coffee, dessert.

Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a
cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it.

This is fun," Karen says. Fun? No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft. But, amazingly, everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer - even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says, "Get this b*tch out of my house."

Sounds fine to me.

THE END
If you aren't in stitches by now, you don't know Italian-Americans!
Posted By: Haze

Re: A little levity - 11/19/02 07:24 AM

That is hilarious..thanks for sharing smile
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 11/19/02 07:52 AM

ROFLOLOLOL

Exactly what lineage is your last name from Embie??? tongue

You changed the name to protect yourself didn't you?????
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 11/23/02 01:54 AM

In the begining the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as having been a bad move.
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/07/02 03:00 AM

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked.
**********************************************************************
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
***********************************************************************
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
the space. Understandably, he shot her.
**********************************************************************
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a
>free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling
the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
************************************************************************
5. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see
how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
**********************************************************************
6. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only
took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her
daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having
sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the
horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't
you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am.
It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and
three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.


Hope you enjoyed them
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/07/02 03:34 AM

I enjoyed them all, I finally read some others I had missed on this page laugh Thanks for the funnies jumpy
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/11/02 08:10 AM

Heres two!!

1. Once there lived a woman who had a maddening
passion for baked beans. She loved them. Alas, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When
it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way
home from work. Since she lived in the country
she called her husband and told him that she would
be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor
of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned
the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was really surprised to see the twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy Birthday"!!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
2. When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had
some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."


tongue tipsy laugh
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 12/11/02 09:59 PM

hoppy
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/16/02 06:12 AM

Hee hee now to increase the pain!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid $75 by check as usual.

A couple of weeks later, I came home from work to find my wife quite upset.

She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry.

She had noticed the canceled check and, on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables.. you name it!"

"That's probabably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
tongue so there!
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/17/02 03:01 AM

Surgeon General Mills Recommends Three To Five Servings Of Froot Per Day
WASHINGTON, DC—In a report submitted Monday to the Department of Health and Human Services, Surgeon General James Mills recommended that Americans consume three to five servings of froot per day. "A crunchier, more berrilicious cousin of the fruit family, froot is vital to proper digestion and breakfast fun," Surgeon General Mills said. "Whether you're eating it straight off the vine or, ideally, in its processed 'loop' form, Americans should be sure to get plenty of froot."
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/17/02 08:32 AM

LOLOL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the bar enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.

Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.

And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the bar a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."


smash hoppy
Posted By: Kingpin

Re: A little levity - 12/18/02 02:22 PM

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel
manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at
8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel
manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting
about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole
line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the
factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up
all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has
a roll o f the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles.
They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around
two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager start s laughing hysterically. After several
minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says,
"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give
Elmo two test tickles."

help
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/19/02 06:19 AM

eek smash slap tee hee that is bad!
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/20/02 02:16 AM

Cheesy, but give the lady an 'E' for effort tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/20/02 11:30 AM

PG-13 (ish)


A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings!"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
* .........You're gonna LOVE this..........
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar-bi*ch-you-ate."
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 12/20/02 02:40 PM

ouch... smash
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/24/02 11:21 PM

ugh tongue

For the 'older' readers wink

Christopher Cross Finally Reaches Mexican Border
NOGALES, MEXICO—After nearly 20 years on the run, Grammy-winning singer-songwriter Christopher Cross finally reached the Mexican border Monday. "I had such a long way to go,"said Cross, who fled south after gunning down 10 in 1980, "but I've finally made it to the border of Mexico." Doctors, who described Cross' body as "weak," said much sleep would be necessary to restore the health of the fugitive adult-contemporary vocalist.
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 12/25/02 01:33 AM

smash smash My grandfather told me about him. It's my story and I'm stickin to it! If he was Sailin' taking himself away to where he wanted to be, guess it could take that long. tipsy hoppy
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/31/02 07:38 AM

Here's one for you Kris!!!!!

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy.

"I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to complaining patients from morning till night, on a day like this, and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?"

The older analyst replied, "Who listens?"
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/31/02 07:47 AM

Tee hee


It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the crèche when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw Little Johnny with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.

So he walked up to Little Johnny and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"

Little Johnny replied, "I got Him at church."

"And why did you take Him?" asked the pastor.

Little Johnny said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it, and that's what I'm doing."
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 12/31/02 07:29 PM

LOL Steve. I can understand the elder, heck if they listened to all that they'd go crazy! smash help
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/02/03 07:04 AM

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple
of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.

The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge's closing statement he asked the man,
"I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?"

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey,
are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," she replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," he said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."


Ahh now don't you feel better!!!
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 01/14/03 03:10 AM

Oh geesh, you guys have to keep posting these, my husband and i love to get online and go through all the pages to laugh, when nothing else works, these do. Steve, where did you get the jokes about things to do to keep sanity ? ?? they were my favorite.


keep em coming yall
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 01/14/03 03:12 AM

and i love the way you laugh at your own jokes steve !
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/15/03 11:42 AM

(somebody's got to!!! <grin> laugh )


A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind
comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there,
bracing themselves against the gale.

All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.

Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to
the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.

Next, a typhoon comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next
pasture. The bulls just say "MOOoo..."

Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo?
What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us right over
and you just stand there?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't
fall down."
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 01/19/03 09:08 AM

heheh tongue


God has just finished explaining to Moses how things are going to work with the chosen people of Israel. Moses says, "Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. They get to have all the oil deposits, and we cut off the tip of our what?"
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/20/03 06:31 AM

ROFLOLOLOL slap
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/20/03 11:46 AM

Some more good stuff!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.


BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.


GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away??
BOY : Were you away??


GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??


GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...


GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??


GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..


CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me?
I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour..
PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...


GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??


BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??


BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??


SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.


Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.


Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.


Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.
What do you think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.


Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.


Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man : By check, money order or cash.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Kevin came home, his wife, Liz, was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," Liz sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Kevin asked.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter it said, 'PS. Dear Liz, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"

tongue tongue tongue

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
News ad of the week!!!!!

CLICK HERE


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 01/30/03 05:44 PM

Subject: Moses

Recently while going through an airport, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a robe and sandals and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead. Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with the President. "Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to
speak. Watch!"

Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead. The secret service man went up to the man in the robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses, but the last time I talked to a bush I spent forty years wandering in the desert!"

slap
Posted By: Kingpin

Re: A little levity - 01/30/03 06:40 PM

smash
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 01/31/03 06:07 AM

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"

"About three minutes ago."
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/31/03 06:49 AM

Hee hee laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/31/03 07:33 AM

*One for the ladies........

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the [censored] lottery!" The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out......."
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 01/31/03 07:40 AM

OMG! That one is perfect!!!! laugh
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 02/01/03 01:06 AM

HAD to laugh

thumbsup
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 02/01/03 10:08 AM

I shared it in a few places... even my boss liked it smash
Posted By: Brenda

Re: A little levity - 02/01/03 10:54 AM

Really funny Steve...needed a laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 02/19/03 05:54 AM

Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage

SAN DIEGO—Twelve San Diego Zoo visitors and two employees were brutally sedated Monday, when laid-off zoologist Dr. Brian Vermeer, 41, returned to his former place of work armed with a tranquilizer gun and began firing into a crowd. "It was kind of horrible," said Maria Christopher, 44, who witnessed the tranquilizing spree. "People were gently falling asleep over the course of 20 to 30 seconds everywhere." The spree ended when Vermeer turned his gun on himself, knocking himself out for half an hour.
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 02/20/03 03:27 AM

thats funny. i always wondered why cops didnt use those
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 02/20/03 07:08 AM

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
smash
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 02/20/03 08:11 AM

tha's jus' WRONG roflololol
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 02/21/03 06:36 AM

smash <img border="0" alt="[soapbox]" title="" src="graemlins/soapbox.gif" />
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 02/24/03 11:41 PM

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected.

1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

2. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

6. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

9. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

10. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

11. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

12. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

13. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives, and 700 porcupines.

14. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

15. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 02/27/03 06:12 AM

The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side to politely wait until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two minutes later, he was still not talking.

Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."


eek
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 02/27/03 06:28 AM

haha! laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 02/27/03 06:30 AM

And now for pain, real pain!!! muuuwwhhhuaaaaaaahhaahhaaaa!! laugh


Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one was called Justin and the other was called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted," and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold; he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again, Christian!"
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 02/27/03 06:36 AM

i actually laughed at that one too... laugh
Posted By: Haze

Re: A little levity - 02/27/03 10:53 AM

LOL...good one Steve...man it's way too early in the morning I need sleep 's
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/03/03 04:46 AM

A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.

So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U...
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 03/05/03 09:56 AM

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off
a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the
balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood
activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents
put their plan into operation. "There's a car being
towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance
just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the
Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding
a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and
Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the
startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on
the balcony too," his son replied.

laugh
Posted By: delight

Re: A little levity - 03/05/03 07:50 PM

eek shocked
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/07/03 06:43 AM

HAHAHAHA @ Allen! laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple was having dinner in a posh restaurant. The husband seemed preoccupied and his wife told him so.

He replied, "I'm sorry darling, I have to make a confession about something. Could you possibly love a man who swindled his partner out of
3 million dollars?"

"Perhaps," said the wife, "provided the man doesn't chicken out and make restitution."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/12/03 03:13 AM

A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island and the three are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their village. The Chief tells the three captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes - no matter what they are. He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"

The Texan replies, "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, Cajun fries and a case of Budweiser Beer." The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately runs into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the cooking pot.

The Frenchman is asked, "What is your last wish?"
He replies, "I would like a case of Dom Perignon and I would also like a big plate of escargots cooked in the French manner."

The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rushes off into the jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill, and he is then thrown in the cooking pot.

The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?" The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies, "I want you to kick me as hard as you can." The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply: "I want you to kick me as hard as you can." The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can. With that, the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals.

The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say, "If you had that gun why did not you do anything sooner?"

The Israeli replies, "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, the European Union, and the US State Department for overreacting to insufficient provocation?"

rolleyes
Posted By: Crazy_girl

Re: A little levity - 03/12/03 01:45 PM

Kingpin sent me this one....

A guy blows a stop sign and gets caught by a
policeman.
Cop says, "License and registration,
please."
Guy says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop
at the stop sign."
Guy says, "I slowed down, and
no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't
come to a complete stop. License and registration,
please."
Guy says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to
a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
Guy says, "If you can show me the difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my
license and registration."
Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
Guy gets out. At this point, the cop takes out his
Billy club and starts beating the tar out of the
guy and says, "Do you want me to slow down or stop?"
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 03/12/03 08:45 PM

laugh

hehe wink
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/13/03 05:27 AM

Tee-hee @ ^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
eek laugh

BAD NEWS : GOOD NEWS : GREAT NEWS

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear
first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning." laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/15/03 01:05 AM

"So," the woman asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out of the way restaurant and then to an apartment." A big smile crossed the woman's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating." Is there any doubt what he was doing?" "No ma'am." replied the sleuth, " It's pretty clear that he was following you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he
would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby base to be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new M-1 Battle Tank, a pair of twin, well built, neatly kept brothers who looked like they had just stepped off an Army Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the best Army in the world?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to this man's Army?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood
choppers in the Army, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 21st century and our battles are fought with our minds as much as with our bodies!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" "Of course we did," says the General, "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Well, I have to 'chop it' before he can 'pile it'!"
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 03/16/03 11:12 AM

hehe laugh

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5 and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the Uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks,

Signed,
A Troubled User
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REPLY:

Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely an Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings: Maintenance/Child Support".

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application program Yes_Dear to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults (GPFs)".

You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPFs tend to be somewhat cyclical, occurring approximately 28 days apart. The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:YES_DEAR because ultimately you will have to use the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to require very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as Clean_and_Sweep 3.0, Cook_It 1.5 (which replaces Burn_It 1.0) and Do_Bills 4.2. You must however be very careful how you use these programs.

Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag_Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen. WARNING!! *DO NOT* under any circumstances, install Secretary_With_Short_Skirt. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.
Tech Support
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/17/03 04:47 AM

laugh laugh laugh laugh LOLOL
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 03/21/03 10:06 AM

Two Trouble Makers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/24/03 06:15 AM

* A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but please don't start anything."

* A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."

* A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

* A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "Two beers please, one for me and one for the road."

* Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

* "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

* Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe! you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

* Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

* A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

* I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "no, the steaks are
too high."

* Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

* What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

* Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

* Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/24/03 07:54 AM

Subject: Inner Peace

I'm passing this along to you as I consider you a valued friend.

This worked for me and I think it may work for you. I have found Inner-Peace.

Recently I read an article that stated: The best way to achieve inner peace is to Finish Things You Have Started.

So today I finished two large bags of potato chips, the last half of a lemon cream pie, a nearly full bottle of Jose Cuervo, a small box of Godiva Chocolates and I slapped the living stuffing out of someone I have never liked.

I feel better than I have felt for a long, long time. Please pass this along to a friend who is in need of Inner-Peace.

laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Due to a power outage at the time, only one
paramedic responded to the call. The house was
very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn,
a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high
over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as
she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and
after a little while Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her
help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she
thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have
crawled in there in the first place. Smack him
again."
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 03/26/03 07:59 AM

hehe, all those were funny laugh

bah, I had one to post, but can't find what I did with it smash
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/01/03 04:34 AM

Tacky........

Just a reminder that,
All K-Mart stores in Iraqwill be closing on or before March 28th. After that, they will all become Targets. Thank you, that is all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The New Pastor

The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. So the pastor took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back, and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the VERSE, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins... "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads... "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/04/03 06:28 AM

And now for something inapropriate! laugh ===================
"The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France."
-Jay Leno

===================
"France said this week they need more evidence to convince them Saddam is a threat. Yeah, last time France asked for more evidence it came rollin thru Paris with a German Flag on it." -Dave Letterman

==================
Why are all the highways in France lined with trees? So the Germans can march in the shade!!!

==================
Going to war without France is like going deer
hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage. -unknown

=================
France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France. -Mark Twain

=================
Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a
Frenchman who lives in Canada. -Ted Nugent

=================
The only way the French are going in with us is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

=================
War without France would be like ... uh ...
World War II!

=================
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with
their hands up? The Army

=================
Q. How do you stop a French Tank?
A. Shoot the guy pushing.

=================
Q. how many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris?
A. We don't know, it's never been tried.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dubya and the Pope:
The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry." Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence. The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front-page photos, of the event. The banner headline is: "Bush Can't Swim."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are entries from the mechanics' logs of repairs done on airplanes:

Discrepancy: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Corrective
Action: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Discrepancy: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Corrective
Action: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Discrepancy: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Discrepancy: "Something loose in cockpit."
Corrective Action: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Discrepancy: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Corrective Action: "Evidence removed."

Discrepancy: "Number three engine missing."
Corrective Action: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Discrepancy: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Corrective Action: "Volume set to more believable level."

Discrepancy: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Corrective
Action: That's what they're there for.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 04/04/03 11:43 AM

haha! laugh

I was looking for Jay's joke a few weeks ago, I saw him say it, but couldn't quite remember how it went smash I wonder if it's too late to use on a french friend of mine tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/08/03 02:49 AM

Hmm if it was the one about the bomb..


Did you hear that they recently tested the new airforce munition the "M.O.A.B." again? THey tested it this time in central florida instead of the regular munitions testing facility in the east. Witnesses report hearing the blast for miles. As a matter of fact the blast was so loud that seven french tourists surrendered ad Disneyland.......


(or something like that)
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 04/10/03 10:39 PM

hehe tongue

Side Effects Sound Awesome
SAN JOSE, CA—Watching a TV commercial for the prescription allergy medication Nasonol, local resident Troy Henderson, 23, remarked Tuesday that the drug's possible side effects "sound awesome." "Dizziness, drowsiness, excitability, loss of motor function, irregular heartbeat, tingling sensations in the chest and sinuses—man, Nasonol's got it all," Henderson said. "I gotta score some of that." Henderson, who does not suffer from any allergies, said he plans to call his pollen-allergic friend Steve to "hook me up."
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 04/10/03 11:29 PM

Sounds about right of some over here !
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 04/12/03 12:30 AM

Dear God, from the dog

Dear God. Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God. When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God. Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle, the Chrysler Beagle?

Dear God. If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God. If we come back as humans is that good or bad?

Dear God. More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God. When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God. Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.

Dear God. Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God. We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God. May I please have my testicles back?

Dear God. These are just some of the things I must remember (in order to keep my present living arrangements):

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead birds, fish, crabs, possums, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on television.

I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with them.

The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

I will not play tug of war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. I will not roll around in the dirt right after getting a bath.

Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, that doesn't mean its cleaner.

I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my rear end can quickly clear a room.

The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and if he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/12/03 06:34 PM

Heh heh!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The temperature had taken an overnight plunge, and Minnesota reaffirmed its reputation as one of the nation's coldest states. Despite a wind-chill of minus 40, we steelworkers erected a TV tower in a Minneapolis, St. Paul suburb showed up for work. By 9 a.m., a tall Texan climbed down from the tower and entered the office trailer. He took his lunch pail from the shelf and headed for the door.

"What's up?" the foreman asked. "You sick?"
"Nope," the Texan replied. "Goin' home to get my jacket."
"Where's home?" the foreman persisted.
"Dallas," he said.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome." tipsy
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/12/03 07:02 PM

Just have too many today!! smile


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when one of them notices sharks circling a woman who has drifted out a little too far. He begins to get up to race to her rescue when the other lifeguard grabs his arm and holds him back.

The first lifeguard says,"Why are you holding me back? We have to go save that woman!"

To which the other replies, "Don't worry. That woman is my mother-in-law."

"Are you trying to kill her?"

"Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent. Just watch."

With that, the sharks organize themselves beneath the woman, and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, safely depositing her.

"What in the world gave you the notion that would happen," asked the first lifeguard.

"Professional courtesy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marriage and illness.....

Stage 1:
Sugar dumpling, I've really been worried about my baby girl. That's a bad sniffle and there's no telling about these things with all the strep that's going around. I'm going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest. I know the food's terrible, but I'm going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini's. I've got it all arranged with the floor supervisor.

Stage 2:
Listen, darling, I don't like the sound of that cough. I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl just for papa.

Stage 3:
Maybe you'd better lie down, honey. Nothing like little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you something. Have we got any canned soup?

Stage 4:
Why don't you take a couple of aspirins?

Stage 5:
Now look, dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids and gotten the dishes done and the floor mopped, you'd better lie down for a while.


Stage 6:
Why you'd just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening!

Stage 7:
Would you stop coughing on me?!? Are you trying to give me pneumonia?


ahh true love!! eek
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 04/13/03 01:28 AM

I think we are on stage 4 ! Hey Steve .. in law problems ? Where were all those jokes when I needed them this Christmas when i had a housefull
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 04/16/03 12:25 AM

Easter humor:

backwards neighbor
easter bunny

tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/17/03 04:54 AM

Josh was helping Bambi, the young and very buxom blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Bambi what it was for. Bambi said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Confused. Josh asked, "I can see that, but why?" Bambi answered, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
--------------------------------------------------


An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
--------------------------------------------------

Just a Thought. What If Saddam Hussein survived the bombing last week, but lost a leg, How upset do you think his doubles will be?
--------------------------------------------------

One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free!
--------------------------------------------------

Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is - I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test." I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?" He said, "They were pedestrians."
--------------------------------------------------

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?" he asks. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither, He's bald."
--------------------------------------------------
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/22/03 09:37 AM

One for the ladies.... tongue

Midlife ...

is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows
down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our
newly acquired mustache.

women no longer have upper arms, we have wing-
spans, we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!

is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too"!

is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.

is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

You know you are getting old when you go for
mammogram and you realize it is the only time
someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.

brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half- full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when
you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs- by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an
accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions: what is life, why am I here and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
prepare for pain!! laugh

A man stopped at a gas station to fill up. As he finished, the nozzle dripped a little gas onto his sleeve. The man didn't think anything of it as he went inside to pay and then left. He lit a cigarette and then dropped the lighter. His sleeve caught on fire. He thought he'd try to put it out by hanging his arm out the window and driving a little faster.

The police pulled him over for having an "illegal fire-arm"
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 04/22/03 05:37 PM

haha! laugh laugh

Thanks, a great way to start the day jumpy
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 04/23/03 12:39 AM

tee hee .. the teeth floating in the glass got an out loud chuckle
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/23/03 03:05 AM

Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians.

Yet in spite of this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions, Pharaoh refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharaoh relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.

This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the Pharaoh, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to release the Jews after the first nine plagues.

It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned psychologist and nurse, to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer.

And once found, it was obvious: The Pharaoh was still in de Nile.

Ba dum bump <rimshot> laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Little Tim was in the garden filling
in a hole when his neighbor peered
over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced
youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully,
without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an
awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then
replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid
cat."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90 year old man. When she returned to her daughters house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/24/03 03:20 AM

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The
driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to
the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he
began to cry.

A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side
of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the
man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and
killed it."

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to
her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp,
dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the
two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped,
turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50
feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be
in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What
was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It
said: "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."


<awww mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn rolleyes >

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a pastor friend who went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a pair of new bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn't work so well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them. He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing problems, then said, " I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses. You see when I look at my sermon I can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me sick."


laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/25/03 04:04 AM

A couple lived near the ocean and used to
walk the beach a lot. One summer they
noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty
much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag
she carried, except for one thing. She would
approach people who were sitting on the beach,
glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively
and she would wander off, but occasionally
someone would nod and there would be a quick
exchange of money for something she carried
in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling
drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they
didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey,
have you ever noticed that she only goes up to
people with boom boxes and other electronic
devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow
I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go
lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what
she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the
wife was almost hopping up and down with anticip-
ation when she saw the girl talk to her husband
and then leave. The man walked up the beach and
met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and
she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife ............................

"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 04/26/03 11:38 PM

heheh laugh

Arab T.V. Guide

SUNDAY
7:30 - My 33 Sons
8:00 - Osama Knows Best
8:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
9:00 - I Dream Of Mohammed
9:30 - The Kabul Hillbillies

Monday
7:00 - Husseinfeld
7:30 - Mad About Everything
8:00 - Monday Night Stoning
8:30 - Win Bin Laden's Money
9:00 - Allah McBeal

Tuesday
7:30 - Wheel Of Terror
8:00 - The Price Is Right If Osama Says It Is Right.
8:30 - Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things
9:00 - Taliban's Whackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

WEDNESDAY
7:00 - Beat The Press
8:00 - When Kurds Attack
8:30 - Two Guys, A Girl, And Pita Bread
9:00 - Just Shoot Everything
9:30 - Veil Watch

THURSDAY
7:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
7:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H*
8:00 - Veronicas Closet Full Of Black, Shapeless, Dresses And Veils
8:30 - Married With 139 Children
9:00 Eye For An Eye Witness News

FRIDAY
7:00 - Judge Saddam
7:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
8:00 - Who Wants To Marry A Terrorist Millionaire
8:30 - Cave And Garden Television
9:00 - No Witness Left Alive News

SATURDAY
8:00 - Spongebob Squareturbans
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Tele-talibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You?
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/27/03 02:35 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I like the "tele-talibans" I wonder what jerry fallwell thinks of them rolleyes
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 04/27/03 08:59 PM

hehe, eye for an eye witness news is my fav
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/30/03 04:01 AM

There are a couple of new ones!

You might be a redneck if...


1.. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

2.. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

3.. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

4.. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

5.. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

6.. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

7.. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

8.. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

9.. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

10... You have used a rag for a gas cap.

11.. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

12.. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

13.. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

14.. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

15.. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

16.. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

17.. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

18.. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

19.. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

20.. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

21.. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

22.. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

23.. You can spit without opening your mouth.

24... You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

25.. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer tag.

26.. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

27.. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

28.. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

29.. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

30.. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.

31.. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

32.. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

33.. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

34.. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.

35.. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 04/30/03 09:18 PM

ha ... 2,8,9,27 and 29 all ring true at one point in my life !
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/02/03 12:12 AM

Late-Night Jokes About War on Iraq
Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours." -David Letterman

"There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad." -Jay Leno

"The military said we'll be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have a sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA?" -Jay Leno

"We have an important decision to make now about who controls Iraq. You know, that's a critical question, because it's who we're going to be fighting in five to ten years." -Jay Leno

"And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States." - David Letterman

"Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. ... However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well." -David Letterman

"Yesterday the Iraqis and U.S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. ... They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo. " -David Letterman

"It does not look good for Saddam Hussein and his sons. Yesterday we bombed the restaurant where they were eating and today I went on the Internet and they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay." -Jay Leno

"In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. ... The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole." -Jon Stewart

"Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?" -David Letterman

"The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons." -Jon Stewart

"Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard." -David Letterman

"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral." -David Letterman

"War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.'" -Jay Leno

"White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said that while President Bush is monitoring the situation in Iraq, he is leaving the day-to-day decision making to the military experts. First they kick Geraldo out, then we rescued that female soldier, now we find out Bush isn't making the decisions. No wonder the stock market went up today." -Jay Leno

"Over the last several weeks, several of TV's so-called armchair generals, of which there are many, along with many of the Army's so-called real generals, have been openly critical of the U.S. military planning. Donald Rumsfeld's frustration with these critics boiled over at a press conference earlier this week. Rumsfeld said the only way you're going to be able to get people to believe something is true is if you print it up two million times and drop it from airplanes." -Jon Stewart

"There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon." -Jay Leno

"Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob." -Conan O'Brien

"Playboy magazine announced that they are going to support the troops by sending them emails from Playboy playmates. After hearing this the U.S. troops said 'Just our luck, we get emails from playmates, but we're embedded with Geraldo.'" -Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It's about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida." -Jay Leno

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had a press conference at the Pentagon. If you listen to him speak, it really makes you wonder what he's thinking. [Shows clip of Rumsfeld threatening to hold Syria and Iran accountable for hostile acts against the U.S.] Do you see what he just did there? We're in the middle of a war, and he's starting another war. We're already fighting Iraq and he's like, 'Syria, you want a piece?' ...There is nothing like a cantankerous old man who takes a hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawn approach to foreign policy. The guy's literally just like drunk swinging a broken bottle at people. 'Hey Netherlands, you looking at me?'" -Jon Stewart

"NBC fired pinhead Peter Arnett. He gave an interview on Iraqi television criticizing the U.S. military and saying our battle plan was all wrong. The good news is, after he said that, today he was given an honorary Oscar." -Jay Leno

"The Pentagon said today they're sending another 100,000 troops into the Gulf. We have 250,000 there and another 100,000 on the way - it's Operation George Gone Wild." -Jay Leno

"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'"
-Conan O'Brien

"As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription." -Craig Kilborn

"Yesterday American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back."
-Conan O'Brien
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/03/03 02:15 AM

Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio. One man was from Texas, one from Florida, and one from Kansas. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives. The guy from Texas began by saying "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert." Then the man from Florida spoke up "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all of the grocery shopping, and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry, the shelves were filled with groceries".

The fellow from Kansas was married to an
enlightened woman who had grown up in rural Kansas. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye. laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the blonde who went out and bought herself another radio because she didn't like the songs being played on her current one.

What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window? "Refueling."
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 05/03/03 04:03 PM

haha! laugh Those war jokes were hilarious laugh I like the 'refueling' one too laugh

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by anangelsarms:
ha ... 2,8,9,27 and 29 all ring true at one point in my life !</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">2,10, and 15 for me laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/05/03 04:50 AM

Heh heh!! smile


A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live." "But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?" "No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to being covered in dirt." hoppy
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 05/05/03 05:01 AM

hehe smash

wink
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 05/05/03 09:33 PM

You have burned your yard Allen ???
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/07/03 06:44 AM

Emma Etiquette says:

1. When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same fast-food restaurant.

2. Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who's muscular and shirtless.

3. My favorite party game is "Pin the Cleanup on the Guests."

4. Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over.

5. A good host must always be a STICKLER for attractive food presentation! I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinner before serving.

6. Getting your home in tiptop shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking dust bunnies!

7. Take short cuts! I used to offer my guests instant coffee. They kept whining for hot water to go with it.

8. The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.

9. When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth.

10. The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Which is why I'm not usually too hot in the kitchen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My beautiful wife is unfaithful to me. Every Friday night, she goes to Larry's Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's Bar?" laugh eek

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The price of gas in Texas has gone so high ... that women who want to run over their husbands have started carpooling
Posted By: Haze

Re: A little levity - 05/08/03 01:51 AM

HeeHee...those are priceless..I especially like #2 and 9 smile
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/08/03 06:38 AM

Why rednecks are better than flower children

1. The hardest drug they have done is Red Dog and Skoal

2. If they profess "Love not war!", they have first hand experience in both.

3. Their love of the environment is done by action not words.

4. Their home brews have the names "Rainbow", "Ocean" and "Starfall" instead of their children.

5. They know that more kids means more change in the world.

6. A pack of dogs on the lot works just fine instead of a high tech, rechargeable, electronic home systems running off solar power.

7. Their brownies don't get you arrested.

8. They know health care starts at home and is earned out of worth.

9. You can insult a redneck and they might find it amusing.

10. To them, "Sensitivity Training" is a contradiction of terms.

11. Their bartender and square dance callers have more counseling experience.

12. Rednecks are honest about their feelings.

13. A party usually leads to drinking and singing instead of sinking and drilling.

14. "Peace Protest" is a contradiction of terms to them.

15. They play "Name the gun they carry." while looking at cops instead of "Name the drug they are looking for."

16. Construction experience is beyond building a two man bong.

17. A 35 year old pickup truck on its third engine, second transmission and fifth layering of sheet metal for body work is the best example of recycling there is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges, but he was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord.

He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work that would be helpful to the church. Finally the pastor agreed. He gave the man a list of ten people who hadn't been in church for years nor made any financial contribution. Some of these were quite prominent in the community.

The pastor said, "What I want you to do is get these people back to church, however you can. You can use church stationery if you want, but get these people back to church."

Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail from a prominent doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, "Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church. I really have no excuse. Accept this check as a partial contribution for all the Sundays I've missed, and be assured I will never, by choice, miss worship again.

Sincerely, J. B. Jones, M.D.

P.S. - Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one "t" in dirty and no "c" in skunk?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply. "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/09/03 05:06 AM

I have seen this before...

Why Men Are Just Happier People!!!!

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5,000; tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Liposuction:
Letting the fat out of the bag.

Locate:
Nickname for a short girl named Catherine.

Tangent:
A man who spends a lot of time at the beach

Gator-Aide:
Welfare for crocodiles

Rubberneck:
What you do for your wife after she has had a
stressful day

Slow Down:
Feathers from the chest of a not-so-fast goose

Versatile:
Poetry on the roof.

Axis:
What hillbillies use to chop wood

Maritime:
June for many couples

Hunger:
What the posse did to the lady rustler
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/12/03 06:14 AM

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"


<ba-dum-bum-crash>*rimshot laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/15/03 05:08 AM

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for Bill and Hillary, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both Bill and Hillary were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.

They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, Bill said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves .. and that's how I want to go."


eek laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a crowded restaurant, after a long days work. The host stops him after he enters and tells him that he cannot be seated without a tie.

The man protest, telling the host that he does not have a tie.

The host tells him that he is sorry but he will not be able to seat him.

Tired and hungry, the man goes out the door and informs the host that he will be right back. Outside the man searches frantically for a tie or anything that resembles a tie in his car. He searches the trunk and finds a set of jumper cables. He quickly ties them around his neck and enters the restaurant once again.

He looks at the host and ask, "Will this do?".

The host replies, "I guess so...just don't start
anything while you are here."
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 05/17/03 04:27 PM

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.


"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.


TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cat's facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

Welcome to the PMS Diner. Our Special today is the Hershey Bar Lasagna. That comes with M & M Soup, and Mashed Snickers with hot fudge gravy.

tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/20/03 05:29 AM

Those are funny!! laugh


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." "Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:00?"
Posted By: Haze

Re: A little levity - 05/21/03 03:14 AM

Inspirational Thoughts
(1) God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
(2) Dear God, I have a problem -- it's me.
(3) Growing old is inevitable, growing UP is optional.
(4) There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
(5) Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
(6) Do the math ... count Your blessings?
(7) Faith is the ability to not panic.
(8) Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
(9) If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.
(10) As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.
(11) Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
(12) The most important things in your home are the people.
(13) When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
(14) A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
(15) He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
(16) We do not remember days, but moments. Life Is moving too fast so enjoy your precious moments.
(17) Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise it's just hearsay.
(18) It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just remember to flush it!
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 05/23/03 05:46 AM

FARMER CLYDE

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie"

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"

"Now, what would you say?"

eek
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/23/03 06:05 AM

HA!! smile
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/23/03 06:08 AM

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN:

~ The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

~ The trees are whistling for the dogs.

~ The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

~ Hot water now comes out of both taps.

~ You can make sun tea instantly.

~ You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

~ The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

~ You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

~ You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

~ You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

~ You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

~ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

~ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

~ The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

~ Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

~ The cows are giving evaporated milk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When my demanding mother found out that I had a pager, I knew that she would buzz me a hundred times a day. I told her that when she calls she could save time by spelling out "M-O-M" on the phone. So whenever my pager goes off and it says "666", I know it's her. smash

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* one for de women folk *

A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them several times.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/27/03 03:14 AM

Signs You're Hungover


* You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
* Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
* Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
* You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.
* You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
* You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
* The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
* All day long your motto is, "Never again."
* You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
* Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 05/28/03 02:00 AM

heheh... I think those are just symptoms of not being a morning person tongue
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 06/03/03 02:08 AM

The Washington Post's Style invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are some winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

Forploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. cool

Glibado: All talk and no action.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

hoppy
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 06/03/03 03:44 AM

HA! Those were good laugh
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 06/03/03 09:54 PM

I come here as often as there are posts and really enjoy them. Seldom comment becuase I can't think of anything to add. Y'all are funny peoples!
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 06/24/03 06:27 AM

YOU MIGHT BELONG TO A REDNECK SYNAGOGUE IF...

People ask, when they hear about oil lasting 8 days, whether it was Pennzoil.

The shofar sounds like a duck call.

The Bar Mitzvah centerpiece is made from grits. It's in the shape of a shotgun.

The rabbi says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to approach the bima," and then five guys and two women stand up.

You can tell it's a fancy Oneg Shabbat when they serve beef jerky.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as another high holiday.

A member of the synagogue requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The rabbi and the cantor drive matching pickup trucks.

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink" is the favorite Kiddush wine.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the directory.

Bris is referred to as "branding".

There is a special fund raiser for a new temple septic tank.

"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

High notes on the organ set the dogs under the floor to howling.

The Sisterhood recipe for gefilte fish calls for a
medium-sized catfish.

You can recognize life cycle events by the clean t-shirts.

For Purim, all the kids dress up as Dale Earnhardt.

The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 07/08/03 09:08 AM

Van Gogh's relatives:

His dizzy aunt
Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes
Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle
Cant Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store
Stopin Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia
U. Gogh

The cousin from Illinois
Chica Gogh

His magician uncle
Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin
Amie Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half brother
Gring Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt
Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco
Go Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach
Wellsfar Gogh

The bird lover uncle
Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst
E. Gogh

The fruit loving cousin
Mann Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking
Wayta Gogh

The little bouncy nephew
Poe Gogh

His niece who travels the country in a van
Winabay Gogh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 07/10/03 04:17 AM

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope .... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Ricky
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


(brrrr it's COLD in here! laugh )
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/10/03 04:27 AM

sounds like a good comeback laugh

chuckle
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 07/11/03 05:39 AM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct ... but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're flippin' ugly."


ruff
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 07/21/03 04:42 AM

^ that one still cracks me up! smile

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When my sister teased her five-year-old daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was quite indignant.

"No mommy, I do not!" she replied quite forcefully.

"Why not?" asked her mom.

"Because he's only interested in one thing," complained the child.

Shocked by this comment, my sister cautiously asked what that "one thing" might be.

"Pokemon cards, of course!" stated the girl.


laugh laugh and what were YOU thinking???
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/22/03 06:32 AM

hahahah! laugh I love that joke about the drunk and the single woman laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/29/03 04:04 AM

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has
been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather that German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has adopted a
five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for
short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the
hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up
konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be
growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome
"ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20
persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new
spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible. Goverments will enkourage the removal of double
letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also,
al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is
disgrasful, and they woud go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be
reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesasary "o" kan be droped from vords
kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters. Und after ze fifz year, ve vil al be speking
German lik zey vonted in ze first plas.
hat
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 07/31/03 04:04 AM

Two muffins are placed in the oven. One muffin looks to the other and says "Man, it's hot in here." The other muffin turns with a start and says "Wow! A talking muffin!"

laugh

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "HEY! We don't serve food here."

laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 07/31/03 04:09 AM

owwwwwwwwwwww [Linked Image] tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 08/06/03 03:46 AM

Dear Dogs:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 08/06/03 04:01 AM

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

eek
Posted By: Eric

Re: A little levity - 08/06/03 04:34 AM

Ouch...that hurts. smash

hehe
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/09/03 10:00 PM

Headline Bloopers

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies In House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found By Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy

Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni

Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis

laugh
Posted By: Haze

Re: A little levity - 08/10/03 01:42 PM

ROTFLOL ...those are really good Big Al..thanxs...shows our media in their shining glory tongue ...I especially like the debris in Uranus
heehee...

Umm out of the mouth of babes..sometimes kids have a much better perspective on things than we do...their lives are so simple..I think as adults we complicate things a lot of times---

Kids on Marraige

Perhaps difficult enough for adults to define, this question received some interesting responses from those of a younger generation...

What Exactly Is Marriage??

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, AGE 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.'
Then she says yes, but she's wondering what
the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, AGE 9

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, AGE 8

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.

"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, AGE 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, AGE 5

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, AGE 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, AGE 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, AGE 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, AGE 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, AGE 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, AGE 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten,
AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, AGE
9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will,
AGE 7
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 08/11/03 02:51 AM

smile
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 08/15/03 03:50 AM

oldie but goodie laugh


A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, I was 18 and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today....."

chuckle
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 08/15/03 04:01 AM

cuuuuute
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/15/03 04:02 AM

hahah! laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/15/03 04:10 AM

Long-Distance Calls

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"

The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call."

dancin
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 08/15/03 04:22 AM

laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh


Sho' yo' right!!
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 08/15/03 10:45 PM

Someone posted that on here before. I liked to hear it again, we will forgive you for your alzeimers Allen
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/15/03 10:52 PM

thank you for letting an old man dream dreams tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 08/19/03 06:24 AM

(Evil Overlord Checklist)


Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, ``Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?'' My reply will be, ``No, just sensible.''

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll say, ``No.'' and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push''.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me--I'll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum--a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident-- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word ``mercy''; I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know.''

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way--even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless--my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.

33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 08/25/03 02:30 AM

While working at the mall, I saw an elderly couple holding hands while they were walking. As they approached, I commented on how romantic it was.

He replied, "We have been holding hands when we go out in public for over thirty years. I have to.

If I let go, she shops.
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/25/03 02:35 AM

laugh Old people are cool smile
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 08/25/03 03:09 AM

* I love true stories....


As the coals from our barbecue burned down, my husband passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks to our dinner guests. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust. Suddenly, we realized that we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them....

Susie
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/25/03 04:16 AM

laugh hahah! laugh

I can remember a grass fire we had when we lived up in lumberton... the neighbors just watched... with a waterhose in hand smash
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 08/29/03 05:24 AM

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they don't smell and are silent. The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what medicine you gave me, but now my gas..... although still silent... smells terrible."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 08/29/03 03:03 PM

eek
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 09/04/03 05:06 AM

Hog Executed Farmland Style
GRUNDY CENTER, IA—Police are investigating the vicious farmland slaying of a prize hog whose methodically gutted corpse was discovered Tuesday in the barn of local livestock farmer Lyle Whitman. "It appears the hit was done with a large butcher knife or some similar cutting implement," said Grundy County Deputy Keith Angrim at a press conference Tuesday. "The hog was hung by its feet with its belly sliced open and its head removed. In addition, all the blood had been drained from the animal's body, and its internal organs were missing." Given the meticulous but brutal nature of the killing, Angrim said he believes the hog was "taken out by a professional."
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 09/04/03 01:57 PM

See, Allen, maybe you should be a hog. At least you'd get taken out. Well your always complainin 'bout bein home Fridays and Saturdays. lol
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 09/05/03 03:18 AM

hehe laugh

tongue
Posted By: anangelsarms

Re: A little levity - 09/05/03 05:05 PM

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but
sunny and pleasant. "I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Texas -- the most glorious place on earth. There
are beautiful beaches, streams, hills, and forests. The people from Texas
are going to be handsome, modest, and intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God nodded wisely and replied, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in
Louisiania."
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 09/05/03 08:04 PM

HAHA! laugh laugh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 09/05/03 10:03 PM

That was pretty funny, although I heard it told that all the beautiful people were in Connecticut... laugh

hoppy
Posted By: Haze

Re: A little levity - 09/06/03 12:08 AM

LOL...but Emb...I heard they're only beautiful in the summer cause you can actually see them...the other months they doing the Eskimo thing...you're hard put to figure out there's a person under all those layers!!!Where as in TX...the beauty radiates year round tongue tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 09/08/03 08:33 AM

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?"

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"


chuckle
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 09/10/03 04:29 AM

One for de ladies...

Women' s Humor....

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say we blondes are dumb....
_______________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
_______________________

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he steps out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________

He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
She said, "Well, you succeeded."
______________________

He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said. "That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
_______________________

He said, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?" She said, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
______________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A fantasy!
_______________________


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion thirty years younger....
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 09/11/03 05:32 AM

bah smash

tongue
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 09/18/03 02:56 PM

*************WARNING PG-13*****************

A little off-color, alot not Christian, hugely funny for those needing a lift... tipsy

When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. eek

When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got a little. shocked

When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. eek

When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb [censored]. tongue

When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want what you've got.

When you fall, ...I will try to keep from laughing. chuckle

This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you ask?

Because you're my friend. laugh
Posted By: Lizzy

Re: A little levity - 09/18/03 06:51 PM

I am not trying to pick on men. Okay so I like to pick on men at times. I am only human. Shoot me. laugh

  • So many men, So LITTLE aspirin!
  • If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
  • Why do men think they don't need directions when they can't even find their clean socks?
  • They say it's a man's world... so THATS what is wrong with it!
  • MEN! They sweep you off your feet then try to hand you the broom!
  • Men don't try to drive women crazy, it comes naturally.
  • Women are born with something men will never possess: A CLUE!
  • The Evolution of Man:
    </font><ul type="square">
  • Tadpole
  • frog
  • Princecharming
  • Royal Pain

</ul><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">
I will attest to the last one. I even have a tattoo of a frog with a crown. I called my beloved "Prince Charming", "Knight in Shining Armour". His mother could not believe it. She said she did not think there was a woman who would put up with him long enough to marry him. I joke to other people I had to kiss a lot of frogs till I found Prince Charming.

I have many frogs not because I like them. I have them because my beloved is Frog Leggs (long story) and is my Prince Charming and Knight in Shining Armour. Even as I once wrote to him in a poem, and joke at times, he needs naval jelly of love to remove the rust once in a while.

One more before I trot out the door.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald-head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

tongue
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 09/19/03 01:21 PM

No Lizzy, NOT THINK, KNOW they are beautiful!
Posted By: Lizzy

Re: A little levity - 09/23/03 12:49 PM

Amen, KrisChen!

I needed to feel that at the wedding I went to on Saturday evening. At the reception, we sat near all the gentlemen and their wives that my beloved work with. A gentleman that my beloved became close to was celebrating his daughter's wedding.

I sat their looking at the wives feeling like I was a bum. They had on smart, up to date, expensive outfits on. There I sat with my $3 used dress from a flea market. It took a while for me to hear God whisper that is was what was in the clothing, underneath in the person that matter. I then sat taller and head my head high. I did not have a charge card bill coming in for an outfit that I could not afford. Clothes do not make the person that is for sure.

Sorry... back to funnies: ROFL CORNER
-----------
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February
and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and
then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the
balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or
report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her
being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" ..... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number
given.)

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"


(author unknown)


[Side note: Do NOT try this with the IRS! They do not care the person died before filing their 1040 and you did not know that. Plus they do not have a sense of humor while on the job.]
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 09/23/03 03:01 PM

Lizzy, Trust me, as one who knows, $3 or $3,000.00 You my friend are most beautiful! Heck, I haven't even seen you and know that's for sure!
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 09/29/03 04:11 AM

While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas,I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.

My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend. Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."


ooops! chuckle
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/02/03 02:32 AM

One morning a woman and her baby was taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman deeply hurt slammed her money in the box, continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.

The man asks "What's wrong, you look mad?"

She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"That's outrageous! You shouldn't take that from him" the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you I would take down his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir I think I will report him." replied the lady.

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/02/03 04:25 AM

chuckle
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/02/03 05:04 AM

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

doh
Posted By: embie

Re: A little levity - 10/02/03 01:51 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...... laugh

Thank you, I needed that... smile
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/07/03 02:22 AM

Tee hee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.


How can you tell which one is the prostitute?


Hold on.....


You're gonna love it...


It's the one with the little sticker that says I-DA-HO. chuckle
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/15/03 06:00 AM

Someone has been snooping on Embie!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."


<ducking> laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/15/03 06:07 AM

laugh laugh laugh

hoppy
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 10/16/03 09:33 AM

Let's say a CAS Shooter named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.

He asks her out to a shoot; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few days later he asks her out to gun show, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home in his pickup, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the truck. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was ...let's see ....February when we started shooting together, which was right after I had the truck at the dealer's, which means ...lemme check the odometer ...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it ...

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have said.....Oh God, I feel so ......''

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger. He's glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that ...It's that I ...I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a bootleg copy of the 1993 End of Trail video. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger and why he can never find more than 8 of 10 rifle cases after they hit the dirt.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while reloading brass one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause, frown, and say: ''Bill, did Elaine ever own a horse?'

laugh ruff
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/16/03 01:06 PM

HAHAH!! laugh

That just sounds so like non-conversations I've had laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/17/03 03:52 AM

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ROFLOLOLOLOLOLOL chuckle laugh laugh laugh laugh I gotta send this to Dena.


... Can I bunk with one of yall for a week or so after she reads it???
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 10/21/03 09:33 PM

You can come to Sweden tongue

****************

WHO'S ON FIRST FOR THE 21ST CENTURY

ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT: Of course! They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know, accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word--the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.

click

ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

chuckle
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 10/22/03 03:16 AM

Excellent and sounds like I should change my name to Costello.
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 10/24/03 05:32 PM

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Conversation on an airplane:
Lady: "And where are you going?"
Programmer: "I'm going to San Francisco to a UNIX convention."
Lady: "Eunuchs convention? I didn't know there were that many of you."

tipsy
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/28/03 05:27 AM

laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
some old, some new smile


1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ????
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 10/28/03 11:34 PM

laugh Those sound like Steven Wright, he's hilarious laugh
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 10/29/03 04:26 AM

Yeah, he is, but creepy.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/29/03 08:46 AM

Abe came home one day and found his wife Esther in tears. "Darling, what's the matter?" "Oh Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have
tuberculosis." "What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis? Ridiculous," said Abe, "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this sorted out right now." So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her she has tuberculosis." The doctor said something to Abe and with that, Abe began laughing. "So what's so funny about my having such a dreadful disease?" asked Esther. "Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say you that you have 'tuberculosis', he said you have 'too big a tuchas'!

eek
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 10/30/03 07:57 AM

SIXTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day:

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 11/11/03 06:18 AM

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Ann listened to an instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each one."

He addressed the men, "Do you know your wife's favorite flower?"

Wally leaned over and touched his wife's arm gently and whispered "Pillsbury All Purpose, isn't it honey"?

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy........
Posted By: Haze

Re: A little levity - 11/11/03 06:08 PM

smash that was just wrong...
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 11/12/03 08:10 AM

laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 11/12/03 08:17 AM

Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Sams was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will. “I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds property, art, and money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation.”

“And that is?”

“In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death.”

The lawyer seemed puzzled. “Why make such an unusual request?”

Mr. Sams answered, “Because I want someone to be sorry I died....”


tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 11/17/03 07:33 AM

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For god sake, you jerk ....it's ten past three in the morning!"
Posted By: Sapharina

Re: A little levity - 11/18/03 11:06 PM

Here's a funny from my sister...

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5
minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking
ticket.

So, I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a
break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
pencil-necked Geek.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I
called him a piece of horse poop. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20
minutes...the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day.
It's important.


Saphy daisy
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 11/19/03 05:00 AM

ROFLOLOL chuckle
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 11/19/03 09:05 AM

(got this one tonight laugh )

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:


Me: (swallowing) Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a
little brother...

AT&T: (click)
Posted By: Sapharina

Re: A little levity - 11/19/03 02:03 PM

.....thank goodness for caller ID.

lol!
Posted By: Sapharina

Re: A little levity - 11/19/03 02:04 PM

Got this from my sister...

"Life Laws"

1. The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check
three friends. If they're okay, you're it.

6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
check.

7. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is
that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

9. It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
a warning to others.

10. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
because the average man can see better than he can think.
Posted By: Sapharina

Re: A little levity - 11/28/03 07:55 PM

I got this from my uncle...today. Beings that I am from Louisiana, I get a kick outta these jokes.

Here goes:

Three friends of Thibideaux from the local Cajun congregation were asked:
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?"

Jacque said: "I would like dem to say I was wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.

Ovide commented: "I would like dem to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Boudreaux said: "May I'd like dem to say, "Look, he's moving yeah!"

Saphy smile
Posted By: Andy

Re: A little levity - 11/28/03 10:44 PM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check
three friends. If they're okay, you're it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Ouch! *runs off to look in the mirror*
Posted By: Sapharina

Re: A little levity - 11/28/03 11:13 PM

Well...you ok?
Posted By: Andy

Re: A little levity - 11/29/03 06:39 AM

Still thinking about it. jumpy


*runs outside and picks a few daisy 's"


daisy 's
Posted By: Sapharina

Re: A little levity - 11/29/03 09:33 AM

It's the thought that counts.... tongue


Saph
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 11/29/03 08:54 PM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">9. It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"><Rubs chin> hmmmmmm could be......


laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: Andy

Re: A little levity - 11/29/03 09:26 PM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Steve:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">9. It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"><Rubs chin> hmmmmmm could be......


laugh laugh laugh
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">help .....I could be either.

And after reading your AT&T dialog I think I must be both. Find myself sitting by the phone just waiting.......and waiting.......for them to call again! thumbsup
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/10/03 04:59 AM

The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cig- arettes were dry but all their matches had become wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This worked well. They were able to smoke because the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter.
Posted By: Sapharina

Re: A little levity - 12/10/03 06:57 AM

There were pictures in this when I got it as an email. I tried to take them out and hope that they don't show up on this post. I know nothing about bandwidth and such....but it didn't need snoopy and friends to still be cute!

Saphy

GREAT TRUTHS


GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandmother's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED! :

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way BUT never forget to remember the blessings that come each day.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/16/03 07:32 AM

An oldy but goody laugh laugh


therapy lesson


Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an 8 step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See! You're smiling already. smile
Posted By: Sapharina

Re: A little levity - 12/17/03 04:49 AM

Too tired to see if I posted this one before. If its a repeater...I appologize.

Cajun Furneral


Three friends of Thibodeaux from the local Cajun congregation were asked
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?"

Jacque said: "I would like dem to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a
great family man.

Ovide commented: "I would like dem to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Boudreaux said: "I'd like dem to say, "Look, he's moving!"


so funny...
saphy
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 12/17/03 10:20 PM

Tehehe chuckle Very cute!!
Posted By: Sapharina

Re: A little levity - 12/19/03 02:33 PM

7 reasons not to mess with a child




A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a

whale to swallow a human because even though it was

a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a

whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask

Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom

of children while they were drawing. She would

occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what

God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her

drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten

Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy

Father and thy Mother, she asked,

"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to

treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of

a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her

mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly

noticed that her mother had several strands of white

hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,

"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do

something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of

my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's

hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the

teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a

copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,

'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's

Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of

the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,

she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the

blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn

red in the face." "Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in

the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my

feet?" A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a

Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of

the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end

of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want.

God is watching the apples.
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/19/03 09:36 PM

laugh thanks Steve thumbsup
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 12/19/03 10:11 PM

Oh, oh, sumbuddy musta got Mr. Allen's dander up!
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 12/20/03 09:01 PM

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender:
Duck: Do you have some bread?
Bartender: Nope.
Duck: Do you have some bread?
Bartender: Nope.
Duck: Do you have some bread?
Bartender: No, we don't have any bread!

Duck: Do you have some bread?
Bartender: No, we don't have any bread here!
Duck: Do you have some bread?
Bartender: No! Are you def? We don't have any bread here! If you ask me one more time if we have bread here, then I'm gonna nail your beak to the counter!
Duck: Do you have some nails?
Bartender: Nope.
Duck: Do you have some bread?

tongue
Posted By: Haze

Re: A little levity - 12/21/03 11:16 PM

Aleina U quack me up smile
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/29/03 07:42 AM

Aleina --- Aww dang!!! tongue


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and now from the "it's just a tad too late department."

Twelve Holiday Uses for Duct Tape...!"

12. Red duct tape with white duct tape trim covering a down ski jacket makes a cheap Santa outfit.

11. Hang stockings from the chimney with duct tape.

10. Fasten decorative lights to railings of house with duct tape.

9. Thin strips of Duct Tape make great self-adhering tinsel.

8. Cover the inevitable gift fruit cake with duct tape and use as door stop.

7. Wrap gifts in Duct Tape for the gift that says, "Open me ... eventually."

6. Cover Christmas tree boughs with green duct tape to prevent needles from dropping.

5. Cover your dead tree limbs with green duct tape and cut fringes in the tape. Presto! Perma-Christmas Tree!

4. Control that hideous holiday weight gain ... Duct tape over your mouth.

3. Duct tape over the names in last years greeting cards and resend them.

2. Silver duct tape turns that old bride's maid dress into shiny holiday formal wear.

1. Duct tape great grandpa upright in his chair....!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and last but not least.....

There were two blondes who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/30/03 12:33 PM

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of evil with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to dis-integrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their roots, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks....."


chuckle
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 12/30/03 01:22 PM

ROTFLOL!!!! That's my kind of (geeky) humor laugh jumpy thumbsup rockband chuckle
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 12/31/03 06:19 AM

that hurts my head tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 12/31/03 11:27 AM

Yet another for the its just a tad too late dept tongue

Cajun 12 days of Christmas

Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.

Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two
turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.

Day 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some
crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to
my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some sparing partners for her fighting rooster.

Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux!! I tol you no
more friggin birds. Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds", dey so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators.

Day 5: Dear Boudreaux, You finally sen' somethin
useful. I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!

Day 6: Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds,
you coon-___ turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geases. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his
snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches,though. I
may stuff dem wit erster dressing on Christmas day.

Day 7: Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool
neck next time I see you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blast dem out de water. Talk to you tomorrow.

Day 8: Dear Boudreaux, poor ole Thibeau, he had to
make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and dem cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over
da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweepinq the shack but dey say it wasn't in
dair contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta
skin nutrias I caught las night!

Day 9: Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do huh?
Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin." Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty
for fried nutria, and de cows done eat up all my turnip greens.

Day 10: Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman doan kill you, I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nekid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be "Ladies Dancin" but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by dat
out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet paper; The Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords'royal behin.

Day 11: Dear Boudreaux, where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da whiskey and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he drink a bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good time yeah dancing
with de floozies. Thibeau, he jump off de Sunshine
Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it.

Day 12: Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love no more, me. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou. The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and de Lords can be waiters an valet park de boats.

Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I
trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping business.We
will probably gross a million clams nex year.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/02/04 02:10 PM

Shopping...

When a man needs a suit, he and his wife go to the store. The salesman and the wife make selections from the rack. The husband tries them on. The wife and the salesman discuss the fit, remarking on the fullness, thinness or any asymmetry of the husband's body. The jacket and pants are pulled, tucked, pleated and bunched in assessing the need for tailoring. Once a suit is chosen, the wife and the store's tailor repeat the fitting procedure and then negotiate a date when the suit will be ready. On leaving the store, the husband may talk if he wishes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

(one for the moms)

Dear Kids,
Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for.

(Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border,no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.

Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it more this time. Trust me. No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded.

No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency. Emergencies ARE: 1. Dad has fallen off the roof. 2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding. 3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house. Emergencies are NOT: 1. Dad has fallen asleep. 2. Someone on TV is bleeding. 3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table. I'll be out soon. Maybe.

Love,
Your Mom
Posted By: Sapharina

Re: A little levity - 01/02/04 05:12 PM

Ohhhhh, that is SOOOOOO good! (the one for Mom's). This may sound odd, but for years I didn't have a lock on my bathroom door. And no matter how I asked to get one... (ie. for my birthday, Christmas....whatever) I never got it. So, for my birthday one year, I went to Lowe's and bought me a "locking doorknob"....came home...got out the tools....and took off the old one...put on the new one (all by myself!!!)....then I ran me some hot water and crawled in for the first bit of privacy that I had had in a LONG, LONG time.

(Then my kids learned how to "pick" the lock! smash )

Good one, Steve!
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/06/04 06:39 AM

The word UP

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two- letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP.

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for
election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a
room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is
special, and this is confusing.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look
UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(but I won't so ... what's up? tongue )
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/09/04 06:17 AM

Two men were backpacking in the woods when all of a sudden they happened upon a giant bear. The bear stood up and began to circle towards the men with a toothy roar and claws bared.

The first fellow looks at his friend who has pulled a tennis shoe from his pack and was putting it on hurriedly. "That's not going to do you any good" said the first man, "bears can run over 30 miles an hour."

The second man just pulled out his second tennis shoe and began putting it on. The first man turns again to the first man, as he could feel the bears breath as it circled even nearer and said, "I told you that even with those shoes on you cannot outrun a bear. Bears can outrun a quarter horse.

The second man says as he sprints away, "I don't have to outrun a quarter horse, I just have to outrun you!"
Posted By: Haze

Re: A little levity - 01/09/04 06:35 AM

LOL...good one Steve laugh
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 01/11/04 11:38 PM

Tehehehe chuckle Cute one!!
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/14/04 03:17 AM

WINDOWS = Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teens


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

911 Call

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all
out of breath. Dang...I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dang......

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you
an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started
having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the police. So don't send them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seed a snake wit a big frog in his mout.

He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs so he decided to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, hit be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid.

Dat ole snake din't like dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yah.

Well, Boudreaux pried hit's mout open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or hit's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.

He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine liquor.

He pour a couple of draps into de snakes mout. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in hits haid and hits body go limp.

Wit dat Boudreaux toss's dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare dat water mocassin was wit two frogs in his mout. laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson
mustered the troops.

"People," he said, "I've just been informed that
we're going to be having a fire sale."

"A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell
insurance."

"I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied rather coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and last but not least a good use for those AOL disks.. CLICK HERE
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/17/04 12:51 AM

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However, women will also benefit by reviewing them, so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence
B. Idealism
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips)!
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5 You have been seeing a woman for several years.
She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.

What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may.
How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school.
Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "We have three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.

9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He didn't need to ask for directions
Posted By: KristiAnn

Re: A little levity - 01/17/04 02:32 AM

LOL, I laughed for a long time reading these! Thanks everyone!! laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/19/04 07:32 AM

More to enjoy laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."

The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"

"Yes I do," she replied.

"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

poor guy, I've had a jellyfish sting... on my LEG!

chuckle
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/20/04 04:11 AM

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog then sat down on the steps weeping. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"


tipsy
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/21/04 01:50 AM

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called".

ruff
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/21/04 06:55 AM

(in case it is news to you I can't stand microsoft... tongue )


After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:

Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I'd like a Big Mac.

Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be $3.99.

Joe: Uh, I don't want a Coke.

Cashier: Sorry, they're bundled.

Joe: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!

Cashier: You don't; the Coke is free.

Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?

Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's got integrated Coke!

Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street... I'm not going to drink the Coke.

Cashier: Then you can't have the burger.

Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.

Cashier: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.

Joe: How can that be? They're two totally separate things!

Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?

Joe: Why did you just do that?!

Cashier: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, just 5 bucks. PLEASE, if you will."

I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
smash laugh
Posted By: KristiAnn

Re: A little levity - 01/21/04 07:59 AM

Thanks Steve those were So wonderfully written. Thank you!! I Laughed very hard at all of them. laugh laugh You have wonderful creative writing skills Steve, thank God!!

Keep them Coming Steve, it's so nice to have nice clean writings like these!! laugh laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/21/04 08:04 AM

I would love to take the credit and run, but I get these all over the place and just type or copy them here.

Thanks a million though! smile
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/23/04 06:13 AM

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop." The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on
death's door due to an infected gallbladder.
The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking
in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent
blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and he had just been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over six years!"

chuckle chuckle
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 01/29/04 05:43 AM

Those are cute! chuckle Thanks Steve!!
Posted By: KristiAnn

Re: A little levity - 01/29/04 10:36 PM

Thankie Steve! This Thread is so Good!! monkey
Posted By: Jusselin

Re: A little levity - 01/29/04 10:49 PM

those er cool...and dont make fun of me ...but I didnt get the one about the plane???
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/30/04 05:11 AM

(each bounce was a landing..... tongue )
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 01/30/04 06:38 AM

I just love this ladies outlook tongue


I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume. When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing costume for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure - boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a [censored] good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped from marble. The mature woman has a choice - she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral costume with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that a shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing costume, but as I twanged the shoulder strap into place I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared.

Eventually I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump.

I re-aligned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full-view assessment. The bathing costume fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play-doh wearing undersize cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent salesgirl popped her head through the curtains "Oh,they are YOU!" she said, admiring the bathers. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversize napkin in a serviette ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with a ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane on a bad day. I tried a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high-cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally I found a costume that fit...a two-piece affair with shorts-style bottoms and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. When I got home, I read the label which said 'Material may become transparent in water", but I'm determined to wear it anyway. I just have to learn to breaststroke in the sand.

Maggie Wesson
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 01/30/04 09:25 PM

laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 01/31/04 04:10 PM

One day this guy is driving his new BMW down the highway...he's feeling pretty good and not really paying attention to his speed. He looks in his rear view mirror and theres a cop with his lights and siren on...he thinks to himself "I got a BMW, I'll just floor it and that cop will eat my dust" so he floors it starts driving down the road a ways sees the cop slowly dissapear...then he thinks "wait...I'm a responsible adult..I should pull over" so he pulls over.

Cop pulls up behind him...walks up to his door and says "allright I've had a rough week...so if you can give me an excuse I havent heard for that little stunt you pulled I'll let you off with a warning".

The guy sits and thinks...then says "well officer... last week my wife ran off with a cop... I figured you were trying to give her back".

Cop smiles and says "Have a nice day".

tongue
Posted By: KristiAnn

Re: A little levity - 02/01/04 09:50 AM

chuckle Allen chuckle Thankie!!
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 02/02/04 04:18 AM

laugh chuckle laugh


hahahahahahahahahah
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 02/02/04 07:28 AM

Manspeak to English Dictionary
<><><><><><><><><>>>>>><<<<<<><><><><><><><>< ><><>

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned...but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing; it's a conditioned response.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


its good to be a man laugh
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 02/02/04 04:47 PM

Thanks Steve!! chuckle The translations are sooooo true!!
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 02/03/04 04:56 AM

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to Him. "No," he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, And not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?". The man shakes his head. "No, no, they're all at the funeral."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little different than before and a day late but oh, well~!


HOUSTON TRAFFIC RULES FOR PEOPLE VISITING DURING SUPER BOWL XXXVIII, FEB 1, 2004

1. You must learn to pronounce the name of the city. It is "Hue-stun," not "Ewe-ston," and definitely not "How-ston." The street named San Felipe is pronounced "San FILL-uh-pee", not "San fe-LEE-pay", "San Fi-LEEP", or "San Fay-LEE-pee."

2. Forget any traffic rules you learned anywhere else. Houston has its own version of traffic rules. They are called "Hold On And Pray." There is no such thing as a high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.

3. All directions start with "Go down to Loop 610," which has no beginning and no end.

4. You have the East, Katy, Southwest, North, South, Northwest, and Eastex freeways, which are actually I-10 East, I-10 West, 59 North, 59 South, I-45 North, I-45 South, and 290, but not in that order. Your job is to figure out which one you really want to get on, without any signs to tell you. God help you if you are in the wrong lane, or you will go around Loop 610 again, which is an endless circle.

5. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive." It is if you love seeing wrecks and people risking their lives changing tires, running through pot holes, slamming on your brakes to avoid a collision, having people cut you off, seeing alot of people's middle fingers, and exhaust fumes.

6. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. The noon-hour rush is 11:00 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. The evening rush hour is 2:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m., sometimes 9:00 p.m. (or 3 a.m. during floods, which we call "ponding"). The teenagers take the streets from 9:00 p.m. through 5:00 a.m., and Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you WILL be rear ended, or at least cussed out, and/or possibly shot. When you are the first off the starting line, count to 5 before moving when the light turns green, to avoid being "T-boned" by crossing traffic.

8. Construction on every freeway, loop, and tollway in the city is a permanent form of entertainment as well as a source of delays.

9. Kuykendahl Road can be pronounced ONLY by a native Houstonian. (It is pronounced "Kirk-n-doll.")

10. All unexplained smells are accompanied by the phrase "Oh, we must be near Pasadena."

11. If someone actually has his turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect and should be ignored.

12. All Suburbans have the right-of-way, unless you are driving an 18-wheeler or perhaps a Bradley tank.

13. The minimum acceptable speed limit on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Otherwise, you will be stopped by Houston's Finest for impeding the flow of traffic.

14. The wrought-iron bars on windows in East Houston are NOT ornamental.

15. Never look at the driver of a car with a bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.

16. If you are in the left lane, and going only 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, the people who are passing you are not really waving at you.

17. If it is 100 degrees outside, then January 1st must be next weekend.

18. The Sam Houston Toll Road is Houston's daily version of a NASCAR race.

19. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to the state of Louisiana.

20. Don't get on Main Street unless you really WANT to be on Main Street. Left turns and right turns are not allowed between the South Loop and Dallas (that's Dallas, Texas, not Dallas Street).

21. Don't get sick or injured. There are no parking spaces in the Texas Medical Center for anyone but doctors.

22. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off the freeways. Just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify the Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built in the first place.


Y'ALL ENJOY YOUR STAY IN HOUSTON, AND COME BACK REAL SOON NOW, Y'HEAR?
Posted By: Sapharina

Re: A little levity - 02/03/04 05:49 AM

roflol at the bathing suit funny!!!

I will once again throw my own stupidity out there for you all....
I was reading Allen's funny about driving in H-town. And it brought to mind the memory of the first time that I got on the Sam Houston Tollway. I went to the little booth and paid my fee. Put my ticket(proof of payment) on my dash and drove on. When I got to the next little booth, I pulled up and proudly grabbed my ticket to show that I "had already paid my fee" to travel this road. I was so serious (as I usually am). The toll booth worker was dying laughing at me. And I couldn't understand what was so hilarious. I had absolutely no idea that I had to pay at every single booth. I found no humor in the situation. lol. So, I paid again, and again....until I found a place to exit.

Don't think I have ever been on another toll road.

And ya know, I am so glad that I didn't just drive on thru....I would of surely had a ticket to pay when I got home.

I curse the fact that I have no sense sometimes. (don't say it....DON'T! Because I really do have good sense every now and then!)

Saphy
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 02/03/04 06:27 AM

[Linked Image] [Linked Image] [Linked Image]
Posted By: Sapharina

Re: A little levity - 02/03/04 05:30 PM

hey...how did ya do those gifs????

Even tho they are laughin at me, they are soooo cute!!!

Saphy
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 02/04/04 05:10 AM

I steal them from other sites.... [Linked Image]
Posted By: Sapharina

Re: A little levity - 02/04/04 05:15 AM

for shame
for shame
for shame!

ooooh....I'm tellin'!

lol
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 02/17/04 07:38 AM

Got lots of them, I have been locked out of my mail for a week now eek Have fun! smile


When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men and she asked him why they were they and he said on TV they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I Die, I Want To Die Like My Grandfather Did, Who Died Peacefully In His Sleep. Not Screaming Like All The Passengers That Were Riding With Him In His Car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father gave his little girl a puppy for her birthday. Just an hour later he found a puddle in the middle of the kitchen floor. He called out loud for his daughter who came running into the kitchen. Her father asked her to explain why she wasn't watching her new dog.
She looked up and said simply, "My pup runneth over."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.
"That," he sighed, "must be her checking out now..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression, but the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and annouced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!" "Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did she do?" "Then she gave it to the policeman." said the boy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted By: pepe'

Re: A little levity - 02/18/04 05:28 AM

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg far enough.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" mad

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends. eek
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 02/18/04 05:35 AM

ruff laugh
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 02/19/04 07:23 AM

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers the window he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Syracuse and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!!

tongue
Posted By: KristiAnn

Re: A little levity - 02/23/04 06:46 AM

LOL Allen chuckle . I am not a blonde, but I can relate though!

I used to work for Public Storage, one day I was driving one of their rental trucks to another store. A trucker has me lower my window when I got to stop light and says my back door is half way open and you'll loose some of your load.

I get out of the truck when I could pull over slowly & safely. To check the back roll up door. What the truckers seen was the back door was painted to look like it's half way up and there were pictures so clear and 3D they thought it was real. They pulled over to help me and when I showed them what the roll up door was like, they laughed so loud and hard at themselves! chuckle

It's a very true story when I was driving in downtown Portland, Oregon! laugh
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 02/23/04 08:56 PM

That's a hoot! Too bad you don't have it on tape. A $10,000.00 Winner for sure.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 02/24/04 05:30 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHA chuckle
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/17/04 06:38 AM

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine muttering, "You're a dumb-looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button." "What are you doing?" her girlfriend asked. The blonde quickly pointed to the sign on the front of the machine that read "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE". chuckle
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 03/17/04 01:39 PM

chuckle
Posted By: aleina

Re: A little levity - 03/19/04 03:30 AM

This is a public service message for women, to better understand men.

Because I'm a Man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a Man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a Man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a Man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. But never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a Man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a Man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a Man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a Man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a Man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a Man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it- looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a Man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/19/04 04:29 AM

tongue chuckle tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/22/04 10:48 AM

Thom, you are our northernmost resident.....


A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those....." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Michigan. They're still too cold and wet to burn."


chuckle (ps it was almost 80 saturday....)
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 03/22/04 01:19 PM

smash Hmmm, 80 indeed! Bah! There's a place not too far from here, the town name is Hell, it does freeze over!
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/25/04 07:14 AM

If ever you have to write a letter of recommendation for a fired employee, here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:

"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."


For the office drunk:

"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."


For an employee with no ambition:

"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."


For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:

"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."


For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:

"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:

"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two men were having a conversation about their dentists.

"I would just love to have a woman dentist," says the first man.

"Why is that?" his friend inquires.

"Because it would be a pleasure to have a woman say 'open your mouth' for once....... eek tongue
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/25/04 07:23 AM

ok just one more tonight..... chuckle


Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well and hope you are too. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because I got to stay in bed until nearly 6AM. I am getting used to it, so I now almost like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split or fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men have to shave but it's not so bad - there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, and bacon but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches." The Platoon Sergeant says they are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting and I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortabl and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that old bull at home.

I'm about the best they got, except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers catch on to this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Mary-Lou.


chuckle you sure that name ain't Ellie-Mae? LOLOLOLOL
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 03/26/04 02:52 AM

The Marine Shares a Room

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 03/26/04 05:12 AM

chuckle eek
Posted By: BusyDad

Re: A little levity - 03/27/04 12:45 AM

i'm not sure what im getting myself into...you guys need a little therapy. (it is a little funny though!) smile
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 04/01/04 04:43 AM

Two old friends sat on a park bench and one begins bragging about his new hearing aid:

"Yeah, it's real fancy, cost me $4,000!"

"Wow!" replied his friend, getting a bit jealous... "What kind is it?"

"It's almost 12:30, why?"

laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/01/04 04:50 AM

chuckle
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 04/01/04 06:44 PM

Tehe chuckle
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/02/04 06:25 AM

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that was truly painful! laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tips with English Grammer


1. Don't abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don't use participles.
6. Don't use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between you and I, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period
15. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
16. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
17. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
18. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
19. Avoid unnecessary repetative redundancy.
20. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
21. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
22. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
23. Avoid cliches like the plague.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ok just one more chuckle

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows." eek
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 04/02/04 04:55 PM

Cute ones Steve!!
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/05/04 05:08 AM

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks. "What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy. "Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." "So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy. "Rustlin'." chuckle

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, astonished, astounded, mesmerized.... no

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife into this family.'"

One of the women in the class spoke up immediately. "Does she clean?" eek
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 04/05/04 01:54 PM

chuckle
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/06/04 07:55 AM

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

Little Johnny raised his hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came his enthusiastic reply. cool
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/07/04 03:50 AM

A very elderly old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating that where that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of
his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old
couple were thinking. "That poor old couple."

As the old man began eating his French fires, a young man stood up and walked to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another
meal.

The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some
of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.

This time, the lady explained that no, they were
used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old
lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"


She answered, "The teeth."

chuckle chuckle
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 04/07/04 03:53 AM

How sweet!!! chuckle
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 04/07/04 04:10 AM

hahah! laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/08/04 05:12 AM

Father: "Why don't you get yourself a job?"
Son: "Why?"
Father: "So you could earn some money."
Son: "Why?"
Father: "So you could put some money in a bank and earn
interest."
Son: "Why?"
Father: "So that when you're old you can use the money in your
account...and you would never have to work again."
Son: "I'm not working now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this profound question.

Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two blondes were talking over coffee one morning
about men. Susan said, "I can't understand why men are so afraid of commitment."

Debbie replied, "Tell me about it! I dated one guy for a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.

"What did you say?" Susan asked "I just told him, 'Look, either you tell me your last name, or it's over!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question.

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joan Crawfords long lost daughter...

http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jcmj.shtml
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/13/04 04:42 AM

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker
fluid."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ooops....

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles. The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approached the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!). The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WASINGTON, D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new Alabama quarters if you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
The quarters are being issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. "We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines,
pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
"The problem lies in a design flaw," Shackleford said. The winning design was submitted by an Auburn University student.
"Apparently," Shackleford said, "the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices." laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 04/13/04 08:46 PM

laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/14/04 04:57 AM

This young blonde woman brought her child into Children's Hospital for a routine checkup. On the records, the nurse saw that the child's first name was Urine (pronounced Urin-ee). Not wanting to be rude, but wanting to know why this woman would name her child this, the nurse asked her how Urine' got her name.

The woman explained, "Well, my baby was born premature and had to stay in the special nursery. She was real sick and they didn't know if she would make it. I couldn't decide what to name her, but the nurses said they would pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already named her. There was this paper on her incubator that said 'Please save Urine, so I knew that they had named my baby."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.
Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer), a previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."

It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure. laugh
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 04/14/04 05:22 AM

Tehehe! smile
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/14/04 09:12 AM

API Report

The Associated Press reports that New York junior Senator Hillary Clinton narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft that she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Texas because of bad weather. National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a preliminary determination that pilot error contributed to the accident, and that the senator was flying in IFR conditions while only having obtained a VFR, single engine land rating. The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Pictures taken at the scene show the extent of damage to Senator Clinton's aircraft. (Click to See photo) .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'scuse me while I go repent for this one wink
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 04/14/04 03:09 PM

OOOOOhh!!! Soooo baaaadd!!!! laugh Teehee!!
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/16/04 07:59 AM

Redneck Gingerbread house... (nuther one to get me in trouble! wink


http://www.jillsjokeline.com/redneckginge.shtml
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 04/16/04 10:55 PM

chuckle
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/17/04 10:47 AM

I just can't stay out of trouble laugh


http://www.jillsjokeline.com/beerstudy.shtml
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 04/17/04 05:20 PM

Ooooo Steve!!! smash smile
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 04/17/04 05:31 PM

Steve, do you constantly have a loaded weapon on you? Living mighty dangerously man.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/19/04 04:13 AM

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self- assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a beautiful meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the young man that I am. Then, my dear, we can marry and live in yon castle with my mother, where you can bear my children and serve me for the rest of your life, and feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined on sautéed frog legs in a white wine sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:

"I don't think so."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A physician visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What is the nature of your illness?"
He got this reply: "It started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
"My Daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother."
"Soon my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my step-daughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So as I told you, when stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once, my stepmother. Now since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.
"As you know, my wife is my step grand-mother since she is my stepmother's mother. (Don't forget that my step-mother is my stepdaughter.) Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.
"But hold on just a few minutes more. you see, since I'm married to my step grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. "Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/20/04 05:02 AM

Signs in too many kitchens...

Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!

So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!

Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!

I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards.

You may touch the dust in this house ... but please don't write in it!

Apology ... Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

Gardening forever . . . Housework, never!

Dull women have immaculate houses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Billy, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin, and kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before his grandfather did, Little Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Notoriously tight with his money, a Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.

"£85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply.

"Och hev ye no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist.

"What about if yer din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for £70" said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anaesthetic" said the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say £40" said the dentist.

"Och that's still a bit much, how about if yer make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only £5 in that case," said the dentist.

"Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman. "Can yer confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings.

They dialed the number and then together, sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.

"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.' So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 04/21/04 03:38 AM

chuckle
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/22/04 05:17 AM

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely." "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

(thats just mean! tongue )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Rogers, Smith, Burgess - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Jones. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

chuckle
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/22/04 07:45 AM

Late but I have to add this one for today!

Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods.

Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.

A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out,

"Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"

There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly,

"No, ma'am, I'm just reading the gas meter."
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/23/04 08:51 AM

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

[That's the story, and I'm sticking to it!]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Honest Job Evaluation

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

- Project Leader
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1 3, 5, 7,..) for my true assessment of him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is, "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.

He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"?

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

chuckle
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 04/23/04 02:50 PM

chuckle
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/26/04 06:17 AM

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are" he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." The lawyer looked down to his left side and let out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!!! ... MY ROLEX!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A tough old cowboy told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. he left four children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great-grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be. chuckle

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" tongue
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 04/26/04 11:07 PM

chuckle
Posted By: Andy

Re: A little levity - 04/27/04 09:26 PM

Do You Hear God's Voice?


Back when the telegraph was the was the fastest method of long-distance communication, a young man applied for a job as a Morse Code operator.

Answering an ad in the newspaper, he went to the office address that was listed. When he arrived, he entered a large, busy office filled with noise and clatter, including the sound of the telegraph in the background. A sign on the receptionist's counter instructed job applicants to fill out a form and wait until they were summoned to enter the inner office.

The young man filled out his form and sat down with the seven other applicants in the waiting area. After a few minutes, the young man stood up, crossed the room to the door of the inner office, and walked right in. Naturally the other applicants perked up, wondering what was going on. They muttered among themselves >that they hadn't heard any summons yet.

They assumed that the young man who went into the office made a mistake and would be disqualified.

Within a few minutes, however, the employer escorted the young man out of the office and said to the other applicants, "Gentlemen, thank you very much for coming, but the job has just been filled."

The other applicants began grumbling to each other, and one spoke up saying, "Wait a minute, I don't understand. He was the last to come in, and we never even got a chance to be interviewed. Yet he got the job. That's not fair!" The employer said, "I'm sorry, but all the time you've been sitting here, the telegraph has been ticking out the following message in Morse Code: 'If you understand this message, then come right in. The job is yours.' None of you heard it or understood it. This young man did. The job is his."

So often, like the applicants in the story above, the reason why we don't respond to God's message is that we haven't really been listening to it. God continues to try to get our attention, but we get distracted by so many other voices and sounds around us that we never even hear what God has to say.

"But I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you. But they did not listen or pay attention..." (Jer. 7:23-24a, NIV)

God speaks to us. May you seek to listen to God this day amidst all that the clutter that seeks to distract you.
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/28/04 07:08 AM

There you go posting something with a moral :Sheesh: wink j/k That was so true!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
on wit da funny!

The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility
that we might be in error.

To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."

I grinned and replied, "You're right." laugh
Posted By: Andy

Re: A little levity - 04/28/04 01:41 PM

Oh....i must have forgot that this was supposed to be funny....Sorry smile

But...*looks up*...that was funny! laugh
Posted By: Jusselin

Re: A little levity - 04/28/04 03:54 PM

that is pretty funny lol
Posted By: Crawdawg

Re: A little levity - 04/28/04 05:19 PM

heres some funnies
You might be a redneck if....

taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen

you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.

your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.

. . . your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.

you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.

you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.

chuckle
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 04/28/04 11:25 PM

I ain't a redneck for sure. I knew it wasn't Gentlemen start your engines. It's play ball!
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 04/29/04 02:23 AM

smile
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 04/29/04 07:20 AM

A pregnant woman from Beaumont Tx. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Baton Rouge came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A college professor, an avowed Athiest, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.. I'll give you 15 minutes!" The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me." tongue

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three mischievous boys skipped school one day and instead went to the zoo one day for an outing.

They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to the Security Office for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "Okay, my name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and said,

"Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts." eek

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician.

I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son.

When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear.

Grinning, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me.

Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse.

Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction my son must have.

When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle.

As per the doctor's instructions, it read:

"Do not take with broccoli." chuckle


Have a great day!
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 04/29/04 08:50 AM

chuckle
Posted By: Jusselin

Re: A little levity - 04/29/04 01:36 PM

good stuff steve you rock
Posted By: Andy

Re: A little levity - 04/29/04 05:29 PM

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."
Posted By: Jusselin

Re: A little levity - 04/29/04 06:45 PM

love the avatar TH
and the joke
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 04/30/04 04:18 PM

chuckle

Love the avatar TH!!!
Posted By: KristiAnn

Re: A little levity - 05/02/04 04:51 AM

Kewl Steve! You've found a treasure mine somewhere on the internet! laugh
Posted By: Andy

Re: A little levity - 05/03/04 07:36 PM

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 05/03/04 08:13 PM

Love that!
Posted By: Amy Lou

Re: A little levity - 05/03/04 09:20 PM

Pretty clever!!! laugh
Posted By: Jusselin

Re: A little levity - 05/03/04 11:02 PM

lol
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/04/04 03:08 AM

Hey Kristi! (I get them in emails!)


That was funny TH! smile


True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:

"Er.....are you still cleaning.......or are you flying somewhere?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef' ..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it goes...

I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...

BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack...

BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops... there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook...

BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away...

BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...

BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.

END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help...


BUT FIRST... I think I'll check my e-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

laugh
Posted By: Andy

Re: A little levity - 05/04/04 03:14 AM

Love the 50 cents worth of ground beef! laugh

Reminded me of the 10.00 bucks worth of gas I bought today and only got 5 gallons. mad I remember when 10.00 bucks would get me 30 gallons of gas.
Posted By: Andy

Re: A little levity - 05/04/04 07:24 PM

It’s the 1970’s, and a pilot fish writes a program to calculate production schedules based on parameters from this operations Bigwig. But every month, fish has to run the program several times; tweaking the parameters until the Bigwig gets the results he wants.

Fish’s solution: He writes another program that takes the numbers desired and cranks out the right parameters for that result; he figures that will save time all around. But the Bigwig nixes that plan.

His reason: “It just wouldn’t be honest.”

laugh
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/05/04 06:16 AM

chuckle


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tax day is past but remember this for next year laugh

1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side.

2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, send two or three party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.

6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a supermarket sack.

7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

8. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are ONLY recommended when you OWE money.

If they owe you money, being nice helps.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is hysterical! chuckle

THE TODDLER DIET

You folks with toddlers should relate to this one!

Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim.

It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward.
Good luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of food coloring.

Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
Posted By: Andy

Re: A little levity - 05/05/04 05:25 PM

Was reading during lunch, thought this would qualify for just a [b]little] levity. laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some Jews who went around driving out evil spirits tried to invoke the name of the Lord Jesus over those who were demon possessed.

They would say, “In the name of Jesus, whom Paul preaches, I command you to come out.”

Seven sons of Sceva, a Jewish chief priest, were doing this. One day the evil spirit answered them, “Jesus I know, and I know about Paul, but who are you?”

Then the man who had the evil spirit jumped on them and overpowered them all. He gave them such a beating that they ran out of the house naked and bleeding.
Posted By: Andy

Re: A little levity - 05/15/04 05:52 PM

Latest humor from the Divorce Forums
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young Secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...


...including the curtain rods
Posted By: UnconventionalKrisChen

Re: A little levity - 05/15/04 07:08 PM

Yay! jumpy Once again good wins over evil! hoppy
Posted By: Allen

Re: A little levity - 05/18/04 02:07 AM

heheh laugh
Posted By: Andy

Re: A little levity - 05/18/04 05:14 PM

Probably been around but still got a laugh from me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
Posted By: Steve

Re: A little levity - 05/19/04 07:36 AM

That one IS cute TH! smile
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before and After Children - Priorities have changed!
~~When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homew