DILBERT
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
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MALE LANGUAGE PATTERNS
"That's women's work,"
REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Can I help with dinner?"
REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain,"
REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately,"
REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late,"
REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard,"
REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear,"
REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
"You expect too much of me,"
REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake?"
"It's really a good movie,"
REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal,"
REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house,"
REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing,"
REALLY MEANS, "I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"What did I do this time?"
REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you,"
REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend
the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You really look terrific in that outfit,"
REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present,"
REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."
"I missed you,"
REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are,"
REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
"This relationship is getting too serious,"
REALLY MEANS, "I like you as much as I like my truck."
"We share the housework,"
REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
(I know some of these are repeats from an older post, but hey.....)