Oh....i must have forgot that this was supposed to be funny....Sorry

But...*looks up*...that was funny!

that is pretty funny lol

heres some funnies
You might be a redneck if....

taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen

you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.

your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.

. . . your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.

you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.

you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.

I ain't a redneck for sure. I knew it wasn't Gentlemen start your engines. It's play ball!

A pregnant woman from Beaumont Tx. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Baton Rouge came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."

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A college professor, an avowed Athiest, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.. I'll give you 15 minutes!" The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me."

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Three mischievous boys skipped school one day and instead went to the zoo one day for an outing.

They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to the Security Office for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "Okay, my name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and said,

"Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

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Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician.

I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son.

When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear.

Grinning, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me.

Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse.

Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction my son must have.

When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle.

As per the doctor's instructions, it read:

"Do not take with broccoli."


Have a great day!

good stuff steve you rock

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

love the avatar TH
and the joke

Love the avatar TH!!!

Kewl Steve! You've found a treasure mine somewhere on the internet!

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

Love that!

Pretty clever!!!

lol

Hey Kristi! (I get them in emails!)


That was funny TH!


True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:

"Er.....are you still cleaning.......or are you flying somewhere?"

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A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef' ..."

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I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it goes...

I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...

BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack...

BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops... there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook...

BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away...

BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...

BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.

END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help...


BUT FIRST... I think I'll check my e-mail.

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Love the 50 cents worth of ground beef!

Reminded me of the 10.00 bucks worth of gas I bought today and only got 5 gallons. I remember when 10.00 bucks would get me 30 gallons of gas.

It’s the 1970’s, and a pilot fish writes a program to calculate production schedules based on parameters from this operations Bigwig. But every month, fish has to run the program several times; tweaking the parameters until the Bigwig gets the results he wants.

Fish’s solution: He writes another program that takes the numbers desired and cranks out the right parameters for that result; he figures that will save time all around. But the Bigwig nixes that plan.

His reason: “It just wouldn’t be honest.”

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An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability.

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Tax day is past but remember this for next year

1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side.

2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, send two or three party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.

6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a supermarket sack.

7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

8. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are ONLY recommended when you OWE money.

If they owe you money, being nice helps.

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This is hysterical!

THE TODDLER DIET

You folks with toddlers should relate to this one!

Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim.

It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward.
Good luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of food coloring.

Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.