No, I usually stay out in the field riding around in a government Tahoe
Things are about the same with me. In case no one knows, let me give you the full story of what's been going on...
For years, I have been looking for God's will to be done in my life. What does that mean to me? Well it's trying to find a career path. I finally found it this year and it's in the intelligence program in the military. Over the past few years, I have been doing everything I can to get my resume beefed up for the intelligence community and even going so far as getting a Master's degree in Strategic Intelligence and even becoming an Intelligence Specialist in the Coast Guard. I love this kind of stuff...it makes me excited to even think about it. Together with my foreign language abilities and other skills, I have truly felt God finally working in my life...
Until now.
I told you that story to tell you this. For the past year, I have been doing nothing but seeing my colleagues go as far as they can excel in anything they want and I'm tired of being left behind. I have seen people with way less training and skills than myself exceed far greater than anything they've ever known. And I'm still where I was 5 years ago...stuck in a job in the CG that I'm not too fond of. I used to be fond of it but I'm burned out on it and worked to exhaustion.
My unit now has an opportunity for me to finally take the job that I want in the field that I love, but one person is hampering it and appears not wanting to budge on his stance. Even though I have absolutely no interest in my current job, he wants to keep me there. He's not keen on moving me to this job where I can finally do what I've wanted to do since I was a kid. I'm stuck in this rut and can't find a way out. The individual who is holding me back is someone that I respect probably more than anyone I've ever worked for, but I'm disappointed in his decision. I feel like he knows better and I feel let down.
...so this is where we are today.
Throughout the past few years, I have strayed away from God more than anyone can imagine. I wouldn't even recognize myself today if my past self saw the present. This whole battle over the past few months is just one of many and I'm tired of being in this state of mind.
All I want to do is see God again and I constantly pray and pray with no answers or results. I constantly pray for God's will to be worked and don't see anything going on. I feel like I'm in this grey zone where nothing is going on...almost like a purgatory. Everyday is the same thing...slow. No answers. No positive news. I haven't had any good news with anything in months and I'm tired of that! Everyday ends with some kind of disappointment. Whether it be a problem with my vehicle or getting chewed out at work for some petty issue, something ALWAYS comes up EVERYDAY. Granted, these are the troubles of everyday life as an adult, but everyday? Everyday not feeling that God is there anymore or feeling like He's abandoned you?
....I feel let down by my job and by God. I know it's bad to say both, but I do. I want to excel and be the best that I can be and achieve personal goals and I'm never going to get there with this job that I am currently in.
Where is God? I want to excel in Him so much that I get back to my old self of not worrying about things like this, or the problems of every day life. I still keep faith and pray everyday that I will be delivered out of this purgatory and quit feeling alone and let down constantly.
I just want one thing: To be happy again.
Will it ever come? I don't know right now.
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