Van Gogh's relatives:

His dizzy aunt
Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes
Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle
Cant Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store
Stopin Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia
U. Gogh

The cousin from Illinois
Chica Gogh

His magician uncle
Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin
Amie Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half brother
Gring Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt
Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco
Go Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach
Wellsfar Gogh

The bird lover uncle
Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst
E. Gogh

The fruit loving cousin
Mann Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking
Wayta Gogh

The little bouncy nephew
Poe Gogh

His niece who travels the country in a van
Winabay Gogh

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope .... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Ricky
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


(brrrr it's COLD in here! )

sounds like a good comeback

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct ... but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're flippin' ugly."

^ that one still cracks me up!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When my sister teased her five-year-old daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was quite indignant.

"No mommy, I do not!" she replied quite forcefully.

"Why not?" asked her mom.

"Because he's only interested in one thing," complained the child.

Shocked by this comment, my sister cautiously asked what that "one thing" might be.

"Pokemon cards, of course!" stated the girl.


and what were YOU thinking???

hahahah! I love that joke about the drunk and the single woman

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has
been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather that German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has adopted a
five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for
short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the
hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up
konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be
growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome
"ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20
persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new
spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible. Goverments will enkourage the removal of double
letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also,
al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is
disgrasful, and they woud go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be
reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesasary "o" kan be droped from vords
kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters. Und after ze fifz year, ve vil al be speking
German lik zey vonted in ze first plas.

Two muffins are placed in the oven. One muffin looks to the other and says "Man, it's hot in here." The other muffin turns with a start and says "Wow! A talking muffin!"



A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "HEY! We don't serve food here."

owwwwwwwwwwww

Dear Dogs:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

Ouch...that hurts.

hehe

Headline Bloopers

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies In House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found By Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy

Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni

Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis

ROTFLOL ...those are really good Big Al..thanxs...shows our media in their shining glory ...I especially like the debris in Uranus
heehee...

Umm out of the mouth of babes..sometimes kids have a much better perspective on things than we do...their lives are so simple..I think as adults we complicate things a lot of times---

Kids on Marraige

Perhaps difficult enough for adults to define, this question received some interesting responses from those of a younger generation...

What Exactly Is Marriage??

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, AGE 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.'
Then she says yes, but she's wondering what
the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, AGE 9

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, AGE 8

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.

"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, AGE 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, AGE 5

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, AGE 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, AGE 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, AGE 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, AGE 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, AGE 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, AGE 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten,
AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, AGE
9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will,
AGE 7

oldie but goodie


A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, I was 18 and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today....."

cuuuuute

hahah!

Long-Distance Calls

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"

The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call."

Sho' yo' right!!