Jesus and Moses

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big heist, then began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he hears: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked: "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The bird replies: "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus

*WARNING* PG-13

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first
man presses his forearm and the beeping stops.
The others look at him curiously.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second
man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes
he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a
microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps
out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with
a piece of toilet paper extending from his
butt. The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

hahah!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I am a stud!

http://cstrike.hcis.net:8080/glitch/final.swf

Notice how well my diet is beginning to kick in?

You are a very sick man!! ROFLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Well at least your exercise program is balanced even if your taste in workout music is um an aberration

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day they snuck past security and went exploring the other parts of the hospital. Before security could catch them they stumbled on the hospital swimming pool. Crazy Jim's eyes lit up and he plunged into the deep end. In a flurry of bubbles he quickly sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and dragged him to the bathroom.

Because of the confusion it caused, the medical director wasn't made aware of it for a bit. But after hearing of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital. He now considered her to be mentally competent.

When he went to tell Mary the news, he said, "Mary, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is -- you're being discharged -- because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is that Jim used his bathrobe belt to hang himself in the bathroom."

Mary, beaming with pride, boasted, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry....

Remember George Carlin..

"Take your average stupid person, and realize that half of them are stupider than that!"

Hen Pecked

A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him
around, so he decides to go to a psychiatrist. The doctor tells him he has to develop self esteem. The doctor gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home.

When he walks through the door and his wife comes to greet
him, he tells her, "From now on I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want my dinner on the table. Now get upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub
guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The undertaker." she replies.

Hitler's Mistakes
The following began life as a Top Ten list of "Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler." it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular nationality (read, the French.) You'll have to excuse the fact that some of them are rather obscure, but that's what happens when you get a bunch of political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you...

Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler

1. Land War in Asia
2. Changed name from highly catchy 'Schickelgruber' to boring 'Hitler'
3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects
4. Not buying lifts for his shoes
5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
6. Failure to exploit Eva Braun
7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
8. Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image
9. Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan
10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
14. Free beer in munitions plants
15. Lisp never corrected
16. Bad toupe
17. Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
19. Fell asleep in staff meetings
20. Chose Italy as ally
21. Land War in Asia
22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably like a bullseye from the air
25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
26. Never had fireside mass rallies
27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name
28. Used SS instead of LAPD
29. Admired Napoleon's strategy
30. Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him constantly
31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii
32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war advice
33. Major theme in speeches -- "liebensraum, or "living room" -- widely misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
34. Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess's pilot licence.
35. Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
36. Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
37. Breast feeding for too long
38. Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR
39. Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch
40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own escape.
41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland
42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion of Soviet Union
43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power
44. Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords
45. Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited for the punchline)
46. Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar for "best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech undermined image.
47. Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in a can"
48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much
embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the "Oberdude"
49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a wimp?"
50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
51. Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
52. Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the last second
53. Failed to encourage tourism
54. Being born
55. Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
56. Alienated Chamberline at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his back
57. Kept Colonel Klink in command
58. Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled threat
59. Used same astrologer as the Reagans

22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line

that's my favorite

Ten famous last words

OK, it's safe to cross the road now.
No, this socket's not live any more.
Put that knife away before you hurt yourself
How long's this ham been in the fridge?
I've done this a million times before.
Do you hold it this way round?
Yes, towards me, keep on coming.
That doesn't hurt.
Honestly - I can drink 25 pints a night.
So, the lion, temporarily tranquilized by this dart...

ROFLOL

AND From Texas: "Hey, Watch this!"

Ten things you can do to make yourself more popular in the office

- Turn all the lights off when you come arrive in the morning, turn them all on when you leave.
- Amass all the staplers in your drawer and greet any enquiries with a vague 'Yeah, mine's gone missing as well,' while simultaneously struggling to staple a 26 page document with a mini stapler.
- Set the 'Autocorrect' function on the word processer to convert 'the' into 'teh' and 'butter' into 'bugger'.
- Forget everyone's name and refer constantly to them as 'Dave'.
- Pause inappropriately mid-sentence and then angrily shout 'I did not watch my buddies die face down in Vietnam for this' before calmly continuing with your previous comments.
- Substitute an entirely random word (such as fish) for another commonly used word (such as biscuits) during lunch break.
- Make up non-descriptive or generally misleading names for things and become increasingly agitated when no-one understands you.
- Insist on telling what you claim to be a great joke with no punchline (such as: Did you hear the one about David Beckham? He just woke up one morning and he was married.) Now laugh uproariously and repeat 'Married, do you get it? Married?' When (as is inevitably the case) someone admits that they do get it just to get rid of you, insist they explain it to everyone else in the office.
- Open a tin of tuna. Place it at the back of your colleague's drawer. Say nothing for a month.
- Arrive early one morning. Wrap everything in the office (monitors, desks, staplers if you haven't already stolen them etc) in old newspaper. Then feign surprise when asked who did it.

english humor

Three race horses were bragging about their race averages.
"I won 5 out of 20 races" said the first horse.

"Oh yea! I won 15 out of my 30" said the second.

"Hah! I won 50 out of 60" said the third.

Hiding behind a hay bail, a greyhound was listening in on the conversation. He steps into view and
says. "Well I won 99 out of 100 of my races"

The third horse looks at the second horse and says "WOW!!...A talking dog!"

Two deaf guys were standing on street corner. One says to the other "Windy today isn't it?"

"No", says the other, "It's Thursday"

"So am I, lets go for a beer"

A man is sitting in the street on a stool next to an open manhole cover with a little rod, the line dangling into the hole as if he were ice-fishing.
A passerby inquires, "Caught anything?"

The man replies, "Yes, you're the third so far."

Three generations of retired gents were sitting on a park bench discussing their "regularity"...

The first one says, I'm only 60 and I can't go to save my life...

The second one says, I'm 70 and I'm beginning to have trouble...need to take that there metamucil stuff I reckon...

The third one sighs with a sad look on his face and says...I go like clockwork, every morning at 9:00 am.

The other two look at him and ask, why the long face, you go every morning at 9:00 am...

The older man says...

I don't wake up till 10...

eeeeeewwwwwwww lol