Next month I will be traveling to meet my on-line classmates for the first time and to walk to receive my Master's Degree. It's been a long four years that has been filled with much turmoil and I am very nervous about the whole idea of it.
See for the last few years I have been putting on a pretty good front here. Some of you who know me a little better than others have shared in some of my challenges and even those who know me the best don't know everything...
When I became separated from my husband about 13 years ago, I didn't think I'd ever recover from that. I don't want to give any glory to the devil so I'll just say that it was only by God's grace that I made it through. \0/ He got me over a long period of depression but I gained so much weight I was unrecognizable. Over the years, as I became emotionally healthy again, I was able to get back to my old self and even allowed myself to hope again.
*Enter an old friend with all the qualities that I hoped for* Christian, mission minded, sang in church, dark hair with a gotee, a little rough around the edges, but really really attractive, not to mention younger than me
Over the next year there were some red flags in our relationship, but I believed in the redeeming power of the Lord, ignored good counsel (sorry Cruel
)and believed that he was the person I was supposed to be with. So after 11 years of being single, I got married again.
I loved being married.
Fast forward through a relocation to Florida, a new job, an accident at work, a hurricane, a restructuring of my new company, a new job, another hurricane, return to work from accident, a lay-off, a third hurricane, my daughter's inability to adjust to life in FL, a new job, the enemy at work in a huge way, 3 months of confusion, a move back to CT, a new job, an intervention, and finally an agreement that my husband and I needed some time apart and some counseling. I went to Al-anon and he went somewhere...else...
So I was divorced last year after proving that he was not in Iraq or Afganistan, that he was unable to be served, and that I did not know where he was. Ironically he showed up at the courthouse on the day of our divorce. It was the first time I had seen him in almost two years.
I hugged him, told him I was glad he was OK, prayed for restoration for him, cried alot over the loss and carried on... and on came the depression and anxiety and back on came the weight again.
It's almost like subconsciously I don't trust anymore so I don't want men to be attracted to me. So if I'm unattractive I don't have to deal with opening myself up again... *sigh* Pretty pathetic eh?
Which brings us to today...
Here I am again at a weight where I am portly to say the least, and having to meet a group of people that I have come to love and respect and I am so embarrassed by how I look that I don't even want to go. (It doesn't help to be vertically challenged as well...
) Thank goodness for long black graduation robes. (Masters even get hoods, so I might be OK
)
I've been asked by the President of my college to read at the Commencement ceremony and I will be up there in all my
"splendor" and hopefully I'm not so mortified that I cry in the middle of it.
So please, I'm asking you to please pray for me, for God's grace once again to get me through the reading and through the introductions to my classmates and faculty...
And that when I get back home that I can begin to work on getting myself healthy again, emotionally and physically...
Thank you friends. I love you guys.
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