:hurredly scribbles notes::

(Obviously not me....... )

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Last night the wife and were layin in bed talking and I told her I was gonna make her the happiest woman in the world.....

(her birthday is coming up and I was gonna get her somethin nice)

She leaned in real close and gave me a little hug and with a hint of a tear forming in here eye she whispered, "Oh honey, how sweet. I'm going to miss you..."


Now she is gonna get a freaking hall mark card......... a .99cent one.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young
woman stepped out.

The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".

This did not actually happen at my house......

although.............



My three-year old daughter was talking to me while I shaved. The topic was cartoons, television and reality. She was going into great detail about the characters in the Dragon Tales cartoon.

When she finished I said, "Honey, are cartoons real?"

"No." was her brief reply.

"Is TV real?" I said looking at her.

"No."

"I'm glad you know those things aren't real," I said patting her head.

"You know what's real?" she asked wide-eyed.

"You tell me."

"Monsters are real!" she said walking out.

"No they're not!" I called after her.

"Yes they are!"

"No they're not!"

"Yes they are!"

"No, honey," I said. "Those scary things that occasionally come into our house are only Mommy's family..."

whoa......down boy!!!

One for the guys.......

My husband and his father had started to perform some repairs on a broken house appliance. They had the necessary knowledge and tools to do the repairs, but discovered they needed an extra pair of hands. "Don't you own a Workmate or something similar?" my father-in-law asked my husband.

"Yes, of course," he answered. "She's in the kitchen. Go and get her."

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One for the ladies........

A woman loses both ears in an accident. A plastic surgeon she consults tells her that ear transplants are still in the testing stage, but he'll do what he can.

The woman undergoes the operation and after a time, she returns to the surgeon's office to have the bandages removed and the stitches removed.

After examining her, the doctor tells her everything has gone well, and she seems pleased with his work.

The next day, however, she calls the plastic surgeon in a rage. "You know what you did?" she screams. "You gave me a man's ears."

"Well," says the surgeon, "an ear is an ear. What's wrong? Can't you hear?"

"I hear everything," she says. "The problem is I don't understand
anything I'm told."

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of some calmness in their lives.

A man approached Boudreaux when he was visiting in Mamou.

"What's the quickest way to Ville Platte?

Boudreaux scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."

"Dat's the quickest way!"

:snicker:

Michael Vick on trial:

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY


This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his super natural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk). About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
The dog has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this.'

She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says,'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
The blonde says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.'

ok i needed that one tonight

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation -

'What can you learn from this demonstration?'

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

So, as you all know I have been on a pretty tough strict diet these days...and well yesterday I didnt do too good, so I am here to be accountable to everyone...
I actually went to KFC last night and had their special
"the Hillary"
It comes with
2 large thighs
2 small brests
and 1 Left Wing...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."