Yeah, he is, but creepy.

Abe came home one day and found his wife Esther in tears. "Darling, what's the matter?" "Oh Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have
tuberculosis." "What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis? Ridiculous," said Abe, "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this sorted out right now." So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her she has tuberculosis." The doctor said something to Abe and with that, Abe began laughing. "So what's so funny about my having such a dreadful disease?" asked Esther. "Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say you that you have 'tuberculosis', he said you have 'too big a tuchas'!

SIXTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day:

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Ann listened to an instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each one."

He addressed the men, "Do you know your wife's favorite flower?"

Wally leaned over and touched his wife's arm gently and whispered "Pillsbury All Purpose, isn't it honey"?

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy........

that was just wrong...

Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Sams was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will. “I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds property, art, and money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation.”

“And that is?”

“In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death.”

The lawyer seemed puzzled. “Why make such an unusual request?”

Mr. Sams answered, “Because I want someone to be sorry I died....”

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For god sake, you jerk ....it's ten past three in the morning!"

Here's a funny from my sister...

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5
minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking
ticket.

So, I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a
break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
pencil-necked Geek.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I
called him a piece of horse poop. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20
minutes...the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day.
It's important.


Saphy

ROFLOLOL

(got this one tonight )

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:


Me: (swallowing) Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a
little brother...

AT&T: (click)

.....thank goodness for caller ID.

lol!

Got this from my sister...

"Life Laws"

1. The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check
three friends. If they're okay, you're it.

6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
check.

7. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is
that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

9. It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
a warning to others.

10. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
because the average man can see better than he can think.

I got this from my uncle...today. Beings that I am from Louisiana, I get a kick outta these jokes.

Here goes:

Three friends of Thibideaux from the local Cajun congregation were asked:
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?"

Jacque said: "I would like dem to say I was wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.

Ovide commented: "I would like dem to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Boudreaux said: "May I'd like dem to say, "Look, he's moving yeah!"

Saphy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check
three friends. If they're okay, you're it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Ouch! *runs off to look in the mirror*

Well...you ok?

Still thinking about it.


*runs outside and picks a few 's"


's

It's the thought that counts....


Saph

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">9. It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"><Rubs chin> hmmmmmm could be......

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Steve:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">9. It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"><Rubs chin> hmmmmmm could be......


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"> .....I could be either.

And after reading your AT&T dialog I think I must be both. Find myself sitting by the phone just waiting.......and waiting.......for them to call again!