Poyfect! love it!

This Yankee from Massachusetts was hiking through the mountains of northern Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the Yankee, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

*Rated PG*

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb Donkey.

i love that one. My wife has the same ring...

don't laugh, but john bought me an ACTUAL mood ring. he caught flack for it when he bought it, but i like it, i wear it out all the time and it has dolphins on it, dont know what dolphins have to do with serenity or good moods, but it's neat.

it doesnt work too well though

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA! ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience. Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad; 16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft. Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air. Okay den, listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vonce:

In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am
frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson,
because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubbertubes— you're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say trespass against us," which isn't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace:

Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest
and let deze gifts to us be blessed.
Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost,
May we land in Dulut or pretty close

ROFLOL on the Lutheran Story! Sounds almost like us LOL. I gotta email that to everyone in my Church, did you write it?

too funny...FOr a sec, I thought the author was from SNL skit :Da Bears" with Mike Ditka...
loved it.

Not me but I thought of you, Echo when I read it LOL


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Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer walking, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."


The Amish man quietly says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

ahhhhh, the unexpected punchline...good one.

SOUTHERNERS AND 3 YANKEES

One morning, three Southerners & three Yankees were in a ticket counter line at a train station.

The three Northerners each bought a ticket & watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Yankees.

'Watch & learn,' answered one of the boys from the South.

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together & closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door & said, 'Ticket, please.'

The door opened just a crack & a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it & moved on. The Yankees saw this happen & agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip & save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip & watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked a perplexed Yankee.

'Watch & learn,' answered the three Southern boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet & the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet & walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.

The Southerner knocked on the door & said, 'Ticket, please.'

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees ever won the war.

har har har harrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

liked it.

Hee hee!

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

The Way Children See Things

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the arbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out.” What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day,two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,'said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle, as he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' He just knew what it was.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.

Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.


SMILE, God Loves You!

Local Bar Sues Local Church

In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern started a building to house their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed, however, right up until the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and burned it to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

When the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation who doesn't."

Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas where he bought himself a donkey from an Old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "I'm sorry, but I have bad news. The donkey died last night".

"Well, den" said Boudreaux, " jus' give my money back, yeah."

"I can't do that sir, I went and spent it already."

"Ok, den. Jus' unload dat donkey."

"What are you gonna do with him?"

"I'm gon-to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!"

"Well dats where you wrong!! You wait you an' you learn how smart Cajuns are!"

A month later the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998...

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."