I have a situation that is causing me heartache.

My 19 year old son, David was kicked out of our home over a year ago. He was doing everything to break our rules. He wanted his step-dad, whom he calls dad, to kick him out. When I asked him if this was true he said it was because he knew we would kick him out sooner or later. Well, that might of been true depending on my son's actions. I, his mother kicked him out. I packed all of his belongings into my van. I called him to meet me after work in the parking lot of my job. I told him to tell everyone that "YOUR MOTHER" kicked you out. I packed his car. David never even got out of his car. He never said anything except he thought dad would kick him out so why not break ALL the rules.

Move forward 10 months to May 2007 after David did poorly in college (GPA 1.33), dropped out and moved to Missouri. David lived there for five months. He calls me every day while living there. He worked for a company where he traveled 3 1/2 weeks out of 4 weeks. He was enjoying it for a while. He calls me late one night saying he wants to come home.

I talk to him for three days at length since that call. I tell him that coming home might not be a good ideal. He might get back with his old friends drinking and doing drugs. He says he has changed. He wants to come home go to school to be a minister. I told him if he thought it was hard being a Christian he was taking on more than he was prepared for. I give him the phone number of my pastor. I want David to have his eyes wide open. David tells on the things we DID NOT catch him doing... and I caught plenty with my God given discernment. David seems very contrite. I think (and have thought many times) I named him with the right name.

In the end David flies home from a job site in NJ, leaving his boss in a bind. David does go back to help him out for two weeks till a replacement can be found.

Dad (step-dad) says he feels that David is blowing smoke up our skirts. I do not think David was at the time. I think he was sincere. I drive to MO to get his belongings and car. Which hubby says was not our responsibility. He moved out there, he can move back himself. Hubby is mad that David is upsetting our lives and routine with our three remaining children at home (the eldest living on his own).

At first David helped around here. He would take siblings to their practices on his way to work and pick them up if needed after work on way home. He was going to church. He ate with us, talked with us, etc. He even apologized to me and dad. He told dad that if he EVER felt David needed advice to tell him. Wellll....

David is only here to sleep. He does not pay rent, nor does he do HIS chores because he never is here till curfew at 1 am. He does not speak to us. Actually my hubby says it seems he avoids us, especially me. At first I thought he was imagining David avoiding me more than him. I now suspect he does because I have strong allergies and can smell things before anyone else can... such as pot or liquor on the breath.

My husband says that David has all the signs of drug and/or alcohol use. I know for a fact he is drinking when he is gone all weekend at the lake. I have spoken to David about it. He is under age in our state. He will tell me he is not driving what is the big deal. I tell him it still is illegal.

My problem is that my husband told me to tell David to move out when he shows up tonight. David has been gone since Friday afternoon. Not even so much as a phone call. I call him and he never answers or returns my phone calls.

David has a job with the local school board in maintenance and has signed up for the remedial courses he must take at the local community college. I required him to go to college and find a job for the fall or ELSE. The summer job was with school board, also. I did check with the school that he DID indeed have a job once school started.

I am afraid my husband is right that it is more than just drinking. I know David is back with some of the friends that sold him drugs. I know David is technically an adult. I just do not want him to go live in the slums and get more into drugs. My husband says he does not want this example for the other three (ages 13, 15, 17). Hubby said he is flaunting it in our faces (breaking rules). I agree that I do not want our underage children think they can do this.

David can be so caring but lately he is not. He is all about himself. He seems to be angry all the time. I know some of his anger has to do with his real dad. I cannot fix that. We have done everything we have done with all our children; support, encourage, go to every function they are in, volunteer, help with and/or provide tools for school work, talked openly.

David is always the favorite among adults not necessarily his peers. David can be a charmer. He talks a good talk but follow through lacks severely. If there is a loop hole no matter how tiny he will find it. We (hubby and I) have had to state rules in a manner that we sounded like lawyers to keep the loop holes we did not think of to a minimum.

Do I make more rules and tighter control with David? Or do I tell him to move out? Am I hanging on when I should let go??

Should anyone wonder why Dad will not tell him, the in your face attitude David exhibits, has built up anger. My hubby is mad. David when he is here seems to totally ignore rules he agreed to when he came back home. Rules such as wear a shirt at all times. David has tattoos he sneaked out to get while a senior in high school. One is very alarming because it signifies defiance... "thudness".

Crazy like a fox,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know how heartbreaking it must be for you. I think any mother would agree that it is difficult to let go, especially under these circumstances. But I agree that you should definitely have stricter rules and enforce them regularly. Maybe an intervention is necessary to explain to him that as long as he is going to remain in your house then he has to follow these rules, including going to rehab - whether it be inpatient or outpatient - and attending church regularly. Maybe talk to your pastor and see if he can provide counseling as well. And all contact between his old friends should be cut-off. It may be necessary to take his cell phone away (especially if you are paying the bill). Being very strict at first and then gradually allowing more freedom is the best way. For example, he can only drive to work and school and has to call you from the phone at work or school to let you know he is there and on his way home. That way you can check the caller ID. I know these may sound juvenile but it sounds to me like he is going to need some structure. Just because he is 19 doesn't mean that he can do what he pleases, he is still your son and still lives in your house. His disrespectful behavior towards you and your husband and his siblings definitely needs to be addressed. If he doesn't want to comply then more severe action needs to be taken, such as having him move out. If you have already tried these with no success, then perhaps confronting him with leaving home again is necessary.

It sounds to me like he moved back with very good intentions but somehow became entwined with his old routine and did not have the will power to say no. If he is still dealing with issues from his real dad then maybe he needs to meet with a counselor on a regular basis to sort through those feelings. There is something at the root of all of this and when he can realize what it is and gain some closure on it then he can begin to focus on his goals and going down the right path.

I wish you the best of luck and please know that we will be praying for you. Let us know if you need anything and keep us updated.

The first thing I would lay the law down about is his not calling you to say where he is. I would be worried sick that the unthinkable has happened.

Defiance is very common among teens, especially older teens that are still trying to find their way. They are embarking on adulthood but they don't feel like adults. They want independence but it scares them. I am sorry for your situation. I am a mom of an 18 and 17 year old. My 18 year old daughter is leaving for college next week. All the time I thought I had to raise her has come to an end. She will now be out on her own making choices that can be very difficult and as parents you can only hope they don't get too far off track.

Tough love is a tough thing. It takes a very strong individual/couple. Honestly, I don't know if I could do it. As much as you want them to get better, you feel the only way is to fix it for them, but that's not the right way. They need to know that there are consequences for their actions. If you were not living, he would be facing this situation on his own. How would he handle it?

I would make some additional rules and tell him that this is a probationary period for him and maybe you could get some family counseling...all of you. Anger turns to bitterness and resentment and you don't need strife in your marriage as well as this conflict with your child.

Require that you know where he is at night and that there are no exceptions to curfew. If you suspect he's using drugs I would make him take a drug test. If he wants to stay in your home, he has to submit to one. Drinking, drugging and driving can only lead to tragedy. Even if there is never an accident, the idea that it's being done in your home and allowed gives a green light to your other children and they could end up being the victims and not David.

I will be praying for you. Seek God's direction and discernment and pray a hedge of protection around your son. Try to get some help for him. He's trying to fill a void only Jesus can fill.

embie

I have a nephew that had the same trouble getting away from friends. He was a "follower" and wound up in a lot of trouble over the years because he did not have the moxie to say no and to not seek these people out.

Make the rules plain, also make any consequence plain as well. That way his actions become decision based and he chooses to get punished/or not based on those decisions. That keeps you and dad from being the bad guys.

Make him pay 25% of his take home in rent also require him to tithe. Have him bring home the pay stubs so he can settle up. If you guys do not need the money then stick it into an account that he can later access for a head start on a house or apt later in life. (do not tell him about it either) This will accomplish a couple of things first it will shut down 35% of his spending money so that he has less to burn on partying. Second it will teach him to be more responsible with what he does get. Third if he is investing in your home and in the church he will be more aquiescent to both. (where your treasure is your heart follows)

Find creative ways to set him up to succeed. It is apparant that he has some self worth issues. When he does have a success even a little one like calling when he is supposed to be honest, and be greatful. Little succesess, well received, breed larger succesess.

You guys all have prayer!

MY SON,ALMOST 20 NOW. Has been in and out of trouble with the law and us for 3-4 years. He is now in jail. 3rd time. He had a drug and drinking problem. And could not and would not help himself. He lied ,m cheated stole, begged borrowed and manipulated us to no end. 7 Months ago, we made him move. Gave him money for a hotel and for food, for several weeks. He refused to get a job etc, and wound up dealing drugs and doing them. He is now paying the consequences of his actions. I learned I cannot make him tell the truth, be a christian, or any thing else. All I can do is enforce my household rules on anyone here. Only my or your son can change themselves when they are finally ready.
My son, having been in jaiol now for 3 months is beginning to change. He met a minister in the jail and rededicated his life to God only last week.
His voice is diffferent, his demeanor is different , his WORDS and his tone is different ...He is repentant.
Be firm, and not double minded in your discipline. Be scriptural in your rules. Be loving, but be strict. I can tell you all of our 2nd chances to him were a postponement of the inevetible. He was going to continue in his ways until he got in legal trouble and had to quit or a tragedy occured and he had to quit. Thank God it was not a tragedy.
I believe we all experience things in life to come out on the other side and have a positive influence on somebody else. If you need encouragement _ my wife and I are willing. I pray your son will be under the veil of Gods protection physically, butI also pray something short of tragedy would cause him to HAVE to change.
Hang in there.
You can message me if you want to get a phone number...
Steve Nabi

Hey Nabsta, I'll be praying for you and yours as well. Thank you for sharing your story. It is hard to deal with such setbacks, but you have the Lord on your side and He loves our children even more than we do. I'm praying for continued strength and healing for all that is hurting your son.

On a lighter note, please tell me your name is really Steve... cos that would answer so many questions...

Steven Douglas Nabi - AKA Nabster-
AKA NABICUS MAXIMUS-
AKA THe BIG KAHUNA- AKA THE MAD TURK _
AKA -
ahhhh never mind.
yes it is steve.

Oh...of course it is...

(Hey, is Nabi really Turkish? )

yes. arabic. means prophet.
my dads name is Halil- means "from the bosom of Abraham".
interesting huh.

VERY! I think my name must mean something like "from the bottom of the sea" or close...

mmmm... catfish

Praying for you CLAF and your family, it's good to see you around here, we missed you

I cannot believe that almost a month has gone by since I started this thread. I am tired.

I am trying not to "borrow trouble" as a friend said when I spoke of negative. It is hard not to put out in words what is weighing one down.

We (hubby and I) talked to David that night (original post). I was very surprised how calm for the most part my husband was. At one point I stepped in to say something and David said I was listening to dad. David went on to say that I promised I would listen so I want to hear everything he has to say. Part of me was elated that other part was worried it was a con.

We set down VERY defined rules. Did David keep them... it appears that way. I use the word "appears" because that is what it is for appearance sake.

I have a wonderful God-given discernment that goes beyond the normal discernment. It goes off so strong I cannot ignore it. Which to God I a very grateful because it was ignored in my life when I needed it the most as a result of conditioning and survival.

To the point, David called to say he was staying at his Nana's house for the night and going out of town with her to see his uncle. This is now the following weekend. Before he finished tell me it hit me like a tsunami. This was at 7 pm in the evening. This child of mine has NEVER called it a night at 7 pm unless forced since the beginning of his senior year in high school.

I kept everything to myself. I was out of the house on high school band business. When I was done, I drove by Nana's house... my son's car is not there. I had to pick up a child at 11 pm and another at 12:30 pm. I drove by both times... no car.
It was my #3 son I was picking up at 12:30 pm. I asked him if he knew were certain friends of David lived. He said yes. I asked him to show me. My son fought with me. They will see us drive by and then I will be known as a snitch. I took #3 son home with some "vague" directions. I drove to the homes that I exactly knew were first. You guessed it... David's car was no where around. The one I was certain he was at was the "vague" one. I drove that whole subdivision. It was out in a country setting... one way in and one way out but many branch streets within and without street lighting.

At 3 am in the morning I gave up. I called his cell phone several times. At 4 am I gave up and went home.

On Thursday I worked 14 hours in 110 heat index for a home high school football game. I lost three workers with one ending up in the hospital with pre-kidney shut down going on. I had heat exhaustion. We sold out of 3200 bottles of water BEFORE half time and all of our soda by nights end. The stadium was hosting the private high school's football game Saturday night. Normally there is enough water and soda to cover both games. I worked all day Friday trying to get water, soda and sold out food product. As you can see I did not need more on my plate.

With only three hours sleep, I am up at 7 am to get stadium clean up done, prepare the concession stands for the evening, go watch two soccer games, feed my family and head back to stadium for prep setup before the game. I did not and could not stay to supervise. I felt horrible as the lady that is to manage the lower concession stand is new. I was breaking her in. I gave her a crash course and left.

On Sunday I finally get a call from David. I ask him where is he. I am told in Akron with Nana. I tell him to try again that I know he is not. He says in Wintersville. I ask where in Wintersville. He said at a house in Wintersville. At that moment I wanted to reach through my phone and strangle him. Through gritted teeth tell him he has 30 minutes to get to our house. I gave 10 more than it would take if he jumped in his car and hustled straight home.

As soon as he sat down, my husband told him tomorrow you WILL get your own insurance. My husband went on to tell him that he would not risk his home, what he works for for some punk who wants to party, lies about it and then MIGHT drive. David tried to say he was not partying. I ask him if he was not at XYZ's home. He does not answer. I told him that I was not stupid AND I took pictures with my night lens of his Nana's house without his car present at 2 am and 4 am. (I took the pictures just to stop the lying, arguing, more lying from happening as usual.)

David was told by my husband: a) you have no consideration for your mother, me or this house b) you will answer you phone NO MATTER what when your mother, me, your brothers or sister call you... what if there was a problem ... which there is with your mother right now (heat exhaustion) c) you will maintain your own insurance and prove it to us d) you will show your mother your college schedule and receipt that you paid for the classes e)you will continue to work and verify that you work to us f)you will be in this house by midnight NOT 1 am or the doors will be locked and you can sleep in your car g)you will contribute to this house by helping out (At this point I gave him the NEW chore schedule).

Does David comply? As I have stated it appears he does. He did come to the concession stand to help me set-up with a family friend. When set up was done, they both went to a lake everyone in the area goes to, for the weekend. The family friend left his car at our house. I did not realize till Sunday after church it was gone. Our #3 son said mom is was gone when we got home Saturday night. Now where was my son from Saturday night till Monday night??? David claims that they came in to feed DA's dog, which DA and his mom say is true. Then they took seperate cars so that David would not have to run into town each day for DA to take care of the dog. Even though this is true, I know my son toooooo well! He wanted to ditch DA and get with his friends. Which I found out from the "kids" computer was what he did.

Please no one judge me on what I about to say. I have friends that thing I am totally in the wrong. I have a program that reports all activity on the computer INCLUDING MySpace. I have used it since David was a junior in high school. He is the reason I bought and installed it. It has been VERY helpful in keeping an eye on things one might NOT know otherwise. For graduation we told all the kids they would get a laptop. Eldest and David both received one after high school graduation. David was using his laptop since he moved back home. He has since started using the "kids" computer.

With David using the "kids" computer I know things that I might not of known. I just found out today, he is no longer employeed with the school board. I cannot decide if I want to wait to see how long it will take him to tell me or confront him about it. David will not know I found out from the "kids" computer because I have many friends at the school system and know too many people. I will ask one confident I have in the system to see if he was fired. David was to work till beginning of November with them. Twice, I had to wake him up when I came back home to find him still in bed. Once he said it was too late to show up for work. I told him late was better than not at all. I warned him than that they would fire him. My husband thinks the only reason they kept him on is due to our reputations as hard workers and our heavy volunteering.

David is adding to my already overloaded mind and heart. I am in a financial hardship due to a major auto accident in January. The accident has not been settled. I lost 8 weeks of work, went back to work and was re-injured do to the nature of my injuries from the accident. I lost the work. I have to be able to lift up to 150 pounds. I lost three new contracts due to not being able to perform during that course of time. I was out of work till April of this year. And at the moment am on leave of absence from a new job because my 21 year old boss will not accept my return to work slip from my physician. It is a long story. The short is that my boss has not been trained to be a manager and wants a worker's compensation form signed by my doctor. My doctor refuses since I was off work for pneumonia not a work related illness or injury. At this point I am a volunteer buyer and concession stands manager for the band at the stadium.

I have medical expenses, medication for my daughter and husband I cannot afford to fill at this moment. I have bills that I cannot pay at this moment. An adult child acting like a child, three children with a VERY busy activities schedule with the youngest really needing my attention (he pulled a stunt in school).

I know this all shall pass. I am counting my blessing that I have children to worry and fuss over. The bills and medication will get taken care of soon. The accident will be settled and I will be pleased with the settlement. I just need to get from here to there. It is hard to turn off the emotional turmoil I feel. I know better to run willy nilly as that will only create more issues. As scripture says "small foxes ruin the vine". I want to keep in mind that all of the different things are small foxes. I do not want to let all the "small foxes" get lumped together to the point I feel I am facing a monster.

I want to thank all of you from my heart for the prayers. I rec'd a random e-card from a online Christian. It really felt soooo good to get a card, from truthfully a stranger, that they were praying and thinking about me. I did not feel alone.

I love my son. I am anxious about his future. I do not see it at this time being lived under our roof. I think he lacks direction, purpose and has no real goals. One of you posted that I cannot do it for him. You are correct. It is painful to know that I am going to have to throw him out to the wolves for his sake and the sake of my home. I pray that something wakes him up before that takes place. I still have hope.

I am sorry it has taken me this long to get back. It feels like some days do not have enough minutes or hours in them.

HANG IN THERE. PRAYING FOR YOU.
GO AND VISIT THIS SITE. LOOK AT THIS VIDEO AND PRAY FOR HIS RETURN TO JESUS.
IT IS SO POWERFUL.

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

EVERYONE WITH CHILDREN SHOULD WATCH THIS...
GET OUT YOUR TISSUES THOUGH.

Nabster the site was very moving!

I have been very down cast. I wish I could say I had good news. My son does not live in our home.

Within two weeks, he broke my heart, made me fearful among other things. He pick up our youngest son, his little brother who is autistic/ADD/legally blind ALONE for FIVE HOURS! I had asked him if he COULD and WOULD pick him up from school and STAY with him. I took my visiting in-laws from Texas two and half hours away to see #3 son play soccer. David called to say Mark was home taking shower . David said he had to go to his Nana's since great aunt Jean had died. I told him to take Mark. David said sure. Even after all of this time I want to cry... maybe because I did not in the first place. I stuffed them deep down inside.

We all arrived home at 9:45 pm. I came in last due to taking a phone call about concession stand business. I did not even realize my youngest was in the house. He passed me. I was talking and stopped. It took me a few seconds to register it. I grabbed him and asked when did you get home, where is David...

I found out that he was dropped off after being picked up. David never came into the house. He told the youngest to shower and do his homework. My in-laws were VERY upset, I was upset and at the same time thankful that my youngest was fine and our home was fine.

I called David. I asked him where he was at. I already made some phone calls to his Nana's, his father's, etc. David said at Nana's. I said try again. He said he was on his way home. I said I want to know exactly where you are... he told me. I waited in the dark in the garage for him to enter. I had such heartache, rage, disappointment and yet relief!

I asked him where was he... again he lied... at his Nana's... the short of it is that he could not be with her. His Nana was at her dead sister's house making funeral arrangements. Of course David did not know this, because he never was to her house or talked to her.

I told him that the focal point of his life was drugs, drinking and his drug/drinking friends not family, not a job, not school!
I wanted to scream at this child of mine. I wanted to grab him and beat him. He LEFT my baby who could of hurt himself, burned down the house or God knows what!!!!!!!! I told him all of this through gritted teeth. I then said he would go to the first available Al-non or whatever drug AA group meeting in the area as a condition to continue to live in our home.

With the visiting in-laws, David kept a low profile and came home after school or work. When my in-laws left a week later, David did not come home from school. He did not answer my calls. I went straight to where I knew he would be. I found his car with the keys on the driver floor board. I took the keys. In the end I took the keys out to him and gave him 15 minutes to arrive at our house. I reaffirmed our stance on the meetings. He said fine. Then I hit him with he had to be in on week nights at 10 pm unless he was at his theater job.

It surprised me that the meetings did not bother him but the early curfew did. He went to his room or so I thought. My youngest, who shares the room with him came to me to say David took all of his stuff. I went to see. He had indeed. I called him... no answer. Then he showed back up. I asked if he ever intended to tell me he was moving. David said he thought I would figure it out when it came to get his coats out of the hall closet. He retrieved them. I asked where he moved to. He said his drug/drinking friends' house. I asked they are willing to put up with you. He said yes that I was being ridiculous.

In less than a week David was moving to his Nana's house. How he gets away with what he is doing there I am not sure. I knew he was smooth and a good liar. I will not call her. His Nana and I do not see eye to eye on many things. We are cordial to one another. At this point, she probably thinks I am the wicked witch. As David has told her I kicked him out. *broken hearted laugh*

I found out this week that David is "slinging" aka selling drugs. I cannot put into words what I feel. I have had my plate full as it is without what we all went through with him.

I have been avoiding people when I can, staying off line, playing solitaire till I am numb, and putting on a facade of a smiling happy person when others are around. I feel empty.

I know it is for the best. I know I did the right thing. I just do not feel it.

Thank you for your prayers, kind words, encouragement. We can prayer but ultimately it is David's choice. My husband said to remember the prodigal son. I feel for the father. We always focus on the son but the suffering, heartache, who knows maybe even shame that father felt and endured not knowing where or how his son was. God must suffer too. He watches us run with glee from Him to our sins. Yet, He posses hope and mercy.

your son ... my son... so very similar.
my son, in jail now for 4 months...has indeed changed. He has rededicated his life to christ.
He too was selling drugs and doing them. He also was a member of a gang for 13 months or so. Bad stuff.
Our putting him out and his downward spiral got him busted and in jail.
We didnt teach or train him up this way...he chose it.
we came to realize he is his own person and will make his own decisions. salvation, friends, drugs, work, spending, language, smoking,and so on. You name it. Neither you nor I can make our children anything. We have influence, but they have will, and sometimes strong will.
We would just ask God to prevent "tragedy" but that he would be both miserable and that he would be caught in his actions.

You will make it...interestingly enough, many of us typing in these forums are Prodigal sons with a capital P. myself included.
I pray God will spare your son and yet His hand of discipline would find him everywhere he goes.
Be encouraged. Give it to God. Release your son over to God.
Trust in Him.
Nab

Hey CLAF, glad to see you here. Still praying for you and your family.

Continuing to pray!


He can get through it!!

My nephew is out of jail, has a decent job as a hotel concierge, a wife and a new daughter.

Just finished updating myself on everyone's posts.

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do until he hits rock bottom. Rock bottom is different for everylne. For some it's jail, for others it's seeing a friend die in the streets. Whatever it is, you can't let him wreck your family while he travels down the path of destruction. I know it's hard but after the event with your youngest kid with the special needs, it's time to let him loose and wait for him to hit the bottom. Whe he does, be there for him. But if you see him going down the same path, let him go again. Don't let him ruin everything you've built.