Nights like this I pull out the old Norwegian gear I picked while on my mission there. Between the fox-fur hat, Dale gortex lined sweater, and seal-skin boots, I won't get cold. The kids though will probably show up in tennis shoes, jeans, and a light jacket expecting to somehow stay warm all night. It should be fun.

See, gettin' old does have an up side. It's good to be warm!

Ok, I have come to terms with the fact that if I don't get some sturcture and balance in my daily life that I am going to go insane (no comment!!)

I realized long ago, that to "get anywhere"...I needed a plan. A "goal" if you will. Well, I have no problems setting goals. I just nearly kill myself in the process of achieving them! I am usually this really organized person. I am always running around like a chicken with my head cut off due to my inability to say "no". But, I usually have an agenda to follow. Since my divorce...there have been no plans. I just "knew what I had to do". That meant I must take care of my children, work and go to school. And my God, I am in every which direction that there is to be in. Makes me tired just thinking about it. So, something has to give. Presently, I live in Vidor (North Vidor....out of city limits), I work in Lake Charles, LA (1 hour commute), I go to school in Orange (20 minute commute), I go to church in Beaumont, work out in Beaumont, use the dry cleaners (because I have used them for over four years...and they know my name) in Beaumont....(also an 18 - 20 minute commute). My car is old (but paid for...lol...as is my home...old but paid for). Most of my friends tell me that I should move closer to my job. I don't want to do that. I am not opposed to moving (as I am 4 miles from ex inlaws...and 6 miles from ex hubby and new wife) Matter of fact....a huge part of me longs to move. But, in reality...I sometimes don't think these things through. I was thinking that if I transferred from Lamar-Orange....to Lamar-Beaumont....then I would do everything in Beaumont except live and work. I don't mind the commute to work. But would definately need a better car. I feel like that everything I am doing....I must do (ie. church, work, school) I am just terribly spread out.

I welcome your thoughts and ideas.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">k, I have come to terms with the fact that if I don't get some sturcture and balance in my daily life that I am going to go insane (no comment!!) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Structure and balance......something that at one time seemed so easy now evades us almost daily.

Where do we start looking for this structure? For me ....well, I would have to say to build a plan and identify where I was, where I am today and where I want to be tomorrow. Quite possibly even reset some of my expectations. Ask myself if I am expecting to much to quickly. The one thing that I have to remember and quite possibly you too "There is no such thing as a rapid recovery from divorce."

Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24 MSG) And for us...that results in a broken heart, a broken spirit and a painful soul. There is also the greiving process that you must go through.

• Shock
• Grief
• Blame
• Good-Bye
• Rebuilding
• Resolution

Where are you right now?

Have you learned to be single? I rememeber reading somewhere that "Singleness is something that should be pursued, not something that should be avoided." So...we have to learn to be single. We need to learn that we are seperate, unique and whole. Unique in yourself and whole in that you sense of value and worth is in you and from you...not others, not jobs, not any of those other things that we busy ourselves with...but from us. A point where we have no dependence on others for our sense of worth, (with the exception of Christ of course.)

And then develop realistic expectations.

So ask yourself from the list of things that you desire to do if they are realistic?

Moving? Big decision there. What is the benefit of moving? Is there any benefit to moving?

Just me talking here. I struggle daily with that thought. Part of it stems from the desire to put as much distance as possible between me and my former wife (purely selfish too). Make sure that you are not moving simply to punish your former husband. My personal thoughts were Alaska.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"> I was thinking that if I transferred from Lamar-Orange....to Lamar-Beaumont....then I would do everything in Beaumont except live and work. I don't mind the commute to work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">This sounds reasonable. It seems that with the exception of work that almost everything points you in this direction. Plus..you have to factor in the children. What would a move to to them. Do they have a sense of stablity and balabce in their present home and lives? What would a move do to them?

I'm glad that you said better car and not new car. Nothing wrong with a better car. Or just do like Bro. David does. He prays over his car before he leaves to go anywhere. But then he usually keeps old cars. He just recently retired as Senior Pastor and the church gave him a new car for a retirement present. The only stickler was that he had to PROMISE not to give it away. This guy gave away more cars in the years that I have know him than most families own in a lifetime.

So...search for a BETTER car, one tht is dependable for transportation back and forth. I would hate to think of you stranded on that commute to or from work.

Church.....good - keep this one in your life

Work.....good - but is there really a choice here. Gotta provide a living for those children somehow!

School - Your call here. Is it necessary. I have read where you state that you are quite content being where you are or even working as a waitress. You might want to turn this one over to God and let Him decide for you. You can witness and bear the Fruit of the Spirit doing those things just as well as a nurse, doctor or lawyer. You and God decide on this. Just remember;

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"> "God does not necessarily call the equipped, but rather equips the called." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">So the brief and better answer to all of those questions?

What is God...calling you to do?

Ok, here is the deal.

I MUST go to school. I got two years of business school under my belt right after high school. I hated every second of it. I was not cut out for that @ that time. I did very well in school (even Algebra...lol) Graduated top half of my class and was Who's Who my senior year. Something always drew me back to the restaurant business. I am good at it. I love people and I love the industry...whether I am waiting tables, greeting people at the door, cooking on the line....or my personal favorite---training the new hires (I also trained "trainers"). I really didn't care what hat I wore on any particular day....I was just happy being there. So, why did I leave? Purely for financial reasons. I was approached with the management opportunity atleast three times in the four years that I was there. But, couldn't see a way to be a manager and a mother, too. And foremost, I am a mother. As a single mother....it is very, very hard. Specially, as a waitress. Today, I might bring home $40 and tomorrow it might be $13. If I work Friday night...it might be $80 to $100. How can you budget anything when you don't actually know what you are making. And don't count on your paychecks....those are a joke. $2.13 per hour. Of which...no matter what....you don't get a raise. Their theory was that the "better" you got....the more money you would make in tips. There have honestly been nights that I had to count pennies out to see if I had enough to feed my kids. Their father went for a long time with out paying any support....then finally decided that we were worthy of $25 per week. Trust me, the lawyer changed that. But, we have seen some really hard times. Those hard times pushed me to my decision to change jobs. Back to the school issue. Call it what you want, concieted, arrogant...whatever....but I did too well in school to be content with no degree of higher learning. I can do this. You know what propels me? The fact that my mother was a waitress....and her mother was a waitress....If anything....I want to own the restaurant one day. I would be selling myself short...by not continuing my schooling. Besides....if I am not careful...my kids will think that the best they can do is be servers too. I have to set the example here. I will do this...I will. Now whether or not I stay on my current path of Nursing...that is debatable. I L-O-V-E science. I think that I have the heart to be in this field. See, I feel that my prayer should be which field to study....not whether I should go to school or not. Yes, it is hard. It is really hard. When you work and have kids...and go to school and church....and the kids have homework and you have homework....there is little time for other things like mopping floors and scrubbing toilets. But, as my dad would say, "If it was easy....everyone would be doing it." I beleive that.

I am really ok with the "divorce thing". My marriage was over a long, long time ago. Not many people realize that. But he and I did. Actually, I can honestly tell you that we were only happy the first 30 days of our 12 year marriage. What is done...is done.

Moving is something that I have done my whole life. I wouldn't know stability if it hit me in the face. I changed schools 13 times before graduating. Never kept friends for more than two years at a time. I have lived in this house longer than I have lived anywhere my entire life. I can hang my hat anywhere and call it home. And I do mean anywhere. My best friend and I get into some heated discussions. She thinks that I am wrong to want to move. Because the kids have family here. I do understand that and I don't understand that. I know from experience that kids are resillient. My kids will be alright. I know this in my heart. Yes, I want to move to put distance between me and thee...lol. But there is a big safety issue here too. My ex "snaps" sometimes. Who do you think he goes off on when he "snaps"? I can tell you that it isn't his new wife. It is without a doubt either my son or myself. He can really be crazy sometimes. Dangerous crazy. In case you were wondering. And my grandma went to her grave believing that he would snap and kill my kids and me one day. Tell me now, why shouldn't I WANT to move. Can you honestly imagine how it feels when my kids are not here, to get off work and come home to this empty house wondering if I will encounter him or not. He is good, trust me....he is really good. I have lots of situations documented with our local sheriff's dept. in the event that I should come up "missing" like his first wife. (That was 13 years ago...and she has still not been found.) I am in a very controlled environment. If his parents call me and I do not answer....they get in their truck and come to my front door. So, "getting on with my life" is a joke as long as I am here. Does that make my reasons selfish? Maybe. But, I asked myself (and my best friend) when does my happiness fit into the equation? She says after I get my kids grown and gone. I say she is wrong. I think that if I were to move....my kids would adjust and we would all be ok.

And as far as church goes....I could of completely stopped going when I left my old church because of all the busy bodies concerned with the details in my divorce papers...but I didn't, I "changed" churches. I found a new one. You know....In all the years of moving here and moving there...old friends, new friends...hardly no family to speak of...the ONLY constant that I have ever had....was God. He was always there for me. Didn't matter if I was up or down...walking right...or being rebellious...I can look back and say that He was always there. I am in church because I love Him. Can I say that again? I am there because I want to be. And I long for the day that my kids are there because "they want to be"...not cause I was making them go. My ultimate goal is Heaven. And I wanna take everyone I can find with me!

My plate is very full...maybe overflowing a bit. But it won't always be this way. My life right now...is a means to an end. I won't have to go to school forever (unless I can't pass Algebra!!!) My kids won't always be small...There is light at the end of the tunnel...and I have a really good feeling that it isn't a train!

Thank you for being so candid with me. That is all I ever want. You must all know by now that my head is incredibly hard....and I might be WAY off base and you all may be on target. But, I will just keep on going until I know the difference. He knows my head is hard, too.

Later,
Saphy

Probably going to sound dumb but JUST SLOWDOWN. The only other comment ( ain't that a shocker ) glad you don't believe you have to grow and git the kids before it's your time. Seems you've been runn9ing so fast you passed yourself up.

No doubt...you are right. But the challenge is learning to really slow down after you have been seemingly "stuck in fast forward" for sooooo long. Not impossible...just challenging. I need a time management class...lol

Saphy

Wow, what a night.

I just got home from work. I think that next Friday night...I will bring some boxing gloves for my customers at the Roulette table. I have done this job for a long time....but tonite...I have to say...I was taken aback by a little elderly woman. Picture this: I have two men sitting at the center of my table. One of which was playing black action ($100) chips every spin. (And I might add that he was a really good tipper, too) Really nice customer. Then to his right, I have an elderly lady playing at the far corner of my table. Well, "black action" guy loses all his money....gets up to go to the ATM (leaving his leather jacket on his chair...and his cigarrettes in his spot....) Maw-Maw reaches over, grabs cancer sticks and literally throws them across the table...and jumps in his spot. Everyone at the table (inc. me...) was telling her the man would be back. But she wouldn't hear of it. So, I called my supervisor. He told the lady that she could sit there but when the man came back, she would have to give him his seat back. She agreed. But didn't keep her word. My super told her to move (professionly). She kept telling him "one minute". And continued betting. So, my super said "no action" on her chips and picked the all up from all her numbers...told me to cash her in...and said his name three times to her...So that when she went to complain...that she would get it right. She was HOT! But she was wrong. I never expected that outta her.

And then I had two blast from the past. Two of my regular customers from over 6 years ago came in tonight. It was so neat to see them and for them to remember me. Its so funny because I had the hugest crush on one of them. I was so crazy la la over him (and yes, he knew it....but, I just can't seem to fit into the very small, very blonde profile....lol Oh well, his loss roflol!)

Then....the worst (is that a word?) news of all....I killed a dog on my way home. I almost busted out crying. Even though the stupid think committed hairy scary. It was just sitting there in the middle of the road. I couldn't miss it cause I didn't see it soon enough. I know that was someones pet. But no way could I go knock on a door at 3:40 AM to ask if that was anyones dog. Oh, that just made me ill.

Going to bed now....peace out!

Saphy

What a beautiful day. I love this weather. Where on Earth could I possibly move to...that would have weather like this all the time???

Interesting few days.

I had a dinner date with a good friend Saturday night. Before he came to pick me up, I was visited by two Morman missionaries. Say what you want about them....but I admire the fact that they ARE out there....knocking doors...sharing what they believe. Ironic that my ex-husband married a Morman. He goes to church with her. I believe that is great.

Went to dinner at Pappadeaux. Of course, it was another "reunion". My General Manager came out of the kitchen to talk to me. He greeted me with a big ol' hug. Guess I am "emotional" because I was on the brink of tears. His name is Jason. He is an excellent leader. He is also my friend. Jason probably knows me better than anyone that I know. I think (in another lifetime) we could of been brother and sister. I told him how bad I missed my old job. Then I showed him my latest check stub and he told me to come back. To call him "to talk". That restaurant is my comfort zone. And I cannot understand why.

This morning I woke up thinking that I "needed" to go back to my old church this morning. I wish (with all my heart) that my pastor could understand "why" I chose to go back to work in the casino. But I fear that he would not. But, for whatever reason....I went. I slipped in quietly and surprised my ex-MIL. She was shocked. (Asked me if I wanted to fill out a vistor card....to which we laughed)...And the sermon was on restoration. It was really, really good. I needed it. That church has been "home" to me since I was 14 years old. Even moving as often as I did....that was always home. I always came back.

After church, my ex-FIL and the kids met us at Casa Ole for lunch.

It has been a nice day. Too bad I have to go to work in a few hours....

I would love for you all to help me pray for someone. I have established a friendship with a man at my job....rather...he approached me with church questions. And I believe that he is "hungry". His mother is in church. And he grew up in the same church that I first went to when I was 3 years old. Needless to say...he has fallen away. I pray for wisdom when we talk. It would be so awesome to win someone to the Lord. But, this could take some time. His name is Chris.

My sitter has a dear friend that fears her cancer may be returning. My sitter is TOTALLY "unchurched". But she was my grandma's best friend and she has known me all my life. It is strange to talk to someone that has no clue about putting needs in God's hands. But I told her that all of us at PC would say a prayer for her friend. The lady in need's name is Ms. Dorothy Mc Neil. She is an incredibly sweet lady. And has battled cancer for a long time.

Thank you all. Is it ok to say that I love and appreciate ALL of you!?!? Because I do. I mean it!!

Talk to you all soon.

Saphy

Ok, here is my good news....

My friend at work, Chris, that I mentioned to you all that I was trying to witness to...

Well, we talked last night. Here is how the conversation went...

Saphy: "Hey Chris, I have something to ask you. You don't have to answer me right now. But, just think about it."

Chris: "Ok. Whats up?"

Saphy: "Well, I really, really want to go visit Bro. Thornton's church sometime"

Chris: "And, lemme guess, you want me to go with ya"

Saphy: "Well, yeah."

Chris: (acts as if he is pondering for a moment....)

Chris: "Yeh, I'll go with ya. It sure would make my Momma happy. We will have to go on a Wednesday night though."

Saphy: "Thats perfect! A Wednesday night would be great!"

Saphy: "You would really go with me?"

Chris: "Yes, I will go with you."

Saphy: Tries to hide the excitement that it seemed "this easy".


I really believe in my heart that he is coming to a time in his life that maybe he is realizing that he needs God. Anyone that is content with how they are livin'....isn't going to start talkin' church with someone that they know goes to church. Remember, he approached me Does that make sense? My thoughts aren't coming through the keyboard like I would have them to....today....hmmm

Ok, just wanted to tell ya'll the latest. Please keep praying because the pull of the world is so much stronger there where we work. But I am going to do my level best to make him keep his word.

o/
Saphy

Hey Saphy! That is such great news to hear!! Keep us posted on how everything goes Wednesday. Praying too!

Never....and I do mean NEVER...

Try to walk "up" the "down" esculator.

Just believe me...(It wasn't pretty. Although the surveillence peeps probably roflol.)

I will leave it at that.

Dum-Dum Saphy

It is an amazing day, indeed, when mom loves your boyfriend.

Shocking.

I don't know how to react. Things are just awesome. He comes over at 11 at night, and talks with my mom and I until 1, and then kisses me sweetly. And he tickles me, and tells me I'm pretty. And when he finally leaves, I call him up and we talk until very early.

And he holds my hand during movies, and makes me laugh uncontrollably. He kisses my forehead and smells my hair, and holds me tightly.

And sometimes when I'm walking him out, we stand out in my driveway and hug eachother, trying to keep warm from the cold. And the stars that I usually take for granted suddenly become the most amazing thing in the world--and I feel like everything is right and I almost forget to breathe. It's like one of those cheesy chick flick movies. I like walking him out, best. Not because he's leaving, but because those are the moments that are very special and sentimental and sweet.

Everything is perfect right now, and I can't help but feel like this is the way things are meant to be. This is the way life is supposed to look.

Even with the gloomy situation with jail and probation and fines--everything is right. Everything is good.

Well, I have some "Chris" news...lol

We went on a date this week. We had a great time. Perfect gentleman. And there was lots of talk about church. I honestly think that he is "hungry"...but part of him doesn't want to be. Make sense? Anyway...he drove me by the church that we will visit. And he told his mom that we were going. To make the saga a bit more interesting....we work with another lady from that church. I talked to her last night. She didn't know that I was the one that was getting him to church. She was so excited. Because she asks him on a weekly basis if he is coming on Sunday nights. So, with that WHOLE church praying, and with his MOM and the lady that we work with praying....AND with all you guys here at PC praying....We MIGHT just win him! (Poor guy doesn't stand a chance....and just doesn't realize it....lol)
He is already making some obvious changes. He is more careful about what rolls out his mouth when he speaks....and more careful about how he acts. People at work are noticing.
I am so excited!

I will keep you updated.

Saphy

Haven't been sleeping well these last couple of days. Two nights ago had 3 nightmares and last night I was awakened with a couple of panic attacks.
Sounds like I'm stressed out but I can't put my finger on exactly what it could be. I don't know...
I ran today... hopefully I'll sleep better this evening! Make take a couple of sleeping pills as well just incase.

What a strange morning this is!

I worked diligently in my daughters room last night while she was away at a sleepover. There were lots of old toys that needed to be donated to Goodwill....and her brother and I rearranged her bedroom furniture. It was a huge undertaking.

Needless to say, it was late when I went to bed.

I didn't set the alarm clock.

Then when I DID wake up....I somehow felt that I lost time. It was so wierd. I freaked out. I "thought" that it was 7:53 "pm". My insides started jumping. My first thought was: OMG I have to be at work right now!

(I never did drugs.....can you see why??? I can "trip" all by myself. With no outside influence. lol)

It doesn't stop there. I run grab the phone and call my babysitter. Her friend answers the phone. I desperately asked, "Leon, is it 8 o'clock in the morning?" He laughed at me and said yes. I said, "oh! Thank God!".

Then Chris called me. And he thought that he woke me up. Until I explained all the events of the past ten minutes.

That was sooooo not cool. The feeling that I had slept all night AND all day.

Chris 101 states that there is no such thing as normal. lol

I think that I have re-grouped and that I am ready for my day!

Have a good one!

Saphy

Amy, sorry for that is it beter yet??


Saphy, I am SO biting my tongue tight now

You? Bite your tongue???? Since when?

lol

Saphy

Yes things are much better Steve! Thank you for asking!! I just have toooo much going on I'm sure like everyone else does too!

And Saphy... that's some kinda sleeping!!! I've been there but it happend after about 30 mins. after I fell asleep and woke up thinking it was the next night!!