Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this
course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's
too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear friends,

I have 2 dogs, Whisky and Blackie. If you wonder why I have 2 dogs,
there are 26 reasons listed below.


26 reasons why I have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a
day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

*ducks and runs.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits & gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat & they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks,

"Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner.
On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occured & Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!"

By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, &asked why the priest said "Hoover".

"It's the biggest dam I know."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stephanie, the young blonde, came running
through the door. "Uncle! Uncle! Guess what?"

"What?" The surprised uncle replied.

"I was getting a hundred dollars a week and the
boss just doubled my salary!"

"Really?" said Uncle. "That's great! What are you getting now?"

Stephanie beamed with pride and answered,
"A hundred dollars every two weeks!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

teehee. the "hoover' one was really cute! I shared it with my dad who works for the bishop!

The blind man, deaf man and the lame man went on
a pilgrimage to a healing spring The blind man
washed his eyes with water from the spring and
exclaimed "I can see! I can see!"

The deaf man washed his ears with the spring
water and exclaimed "I can hear! I can hear!'

The lame guy drove his wheelchair into the water
and the other side out "I got new tires!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack is telling Harry about a weird dream he had last ngiht.

"I had a dream that I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach and then a riderer-less horse pulls up on the right side!

All of a sudden the man on the horse on the left, leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into my stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse!

Just before he rode off, I yelled out,

"Hey! What was *that* all about?"

Harry asks,

"Well, did he say anything to you?"

"Yeah," Jack replies... "he said.

'Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through.' "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN.
This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this.. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.





Sumthin to chew on: God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many
bad actors who don't know how to play funny. ---Garrison Keiller

love garrison keiller

A man stumbled into the emergency room dressed in a medieval bard's outfit, clutching his stomach with one hand and moaning in agony. With his free hand he was clutching a lute, which he dropped on the floor in front of the nurse's station. He then collapsed in a heap on the floor, rolled himself into a fetal position, and began to moan much louder.

Fearing serious food poisoning, doctors quickly brought a stretcher out and rolled him into the bowels of the ER. Half an hour later, the man walked past the nurse and out the door, whistling happily to himself.

Noticing that the man looked much healthier, the nurse asked one of the doctors what was ailing the man. The doctor shrugged and said....

"nothing big, just minstrel cramps."




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble and are down to their last $600. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister is blonde. The word is big. She'll read it slow.
("com-for-da-bul")

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor".
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

heeeeeyyyyyy...

At one time I might have taken exception to those...

A group of women took a double decker bus tour through London. The brunettes & redheads got on the lower level of the bus and the blondes went to the top level. After everyone got settled the bus driver started the tour. Not long after they started the girls on the lower level heard the blondes above them screaming and crying something horrible. Finally after the tour and everyone got off the bus. The brunettes and redheads asked "What was the matter with you girls up there. The tour was great and the scenery beautiful. We had a great time." The blondes replied "Of course you would say that, you guys had a driver!!!"

haha!

that is hilarious.

^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service.

The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.

"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members ," explained the minister.

"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am....

then I'd like to meet him!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebeled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you go hungry?", he asked. "Then I'll come home and eat!", bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them." The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home, he's going to college!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "yours is."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God's Humor...

http://www.buffalosjokes.com/32044.htm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Undertakers, Mal and Mel, were storing embalming fluid one evening...

It was considered appropriate to place it in an area out of sight.

Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion left for Mal to take care of.

When the boss came in and asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is for-Mal-to-hide."

good stuff.

This one is an oldie but it is a masterpiece!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)


( a masterpiece)


(wait for it)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses.

Thinking that she must have done something wrong she rereads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses again.

Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look.

The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and get inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.

At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says:

"That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it.

The technician says. . .

"You may find this hard to believe, but I'm just standing here waiting for the next train."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons*


~ Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

~ See if a yawn really is contagious.

~ Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.

~ Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

~ Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.

~ Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.

~ Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

~ Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.

~ Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.

~ Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.

~ Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 30 minutes, start blowing bubbles.

~ Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.

~ By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.

~ While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.

~ Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.

~ See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before anyone catches you.

~ Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.

~ Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh shut up...

...and I was singing it...

One day this mechanic, Tony, was working late under a car and some brake fluid accidentally dripped into his mouth.

"WOW!! This stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought to himself.

The next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid.

"It's really not bad...in fact, I think I'll try to have some more today."

His buddy was a little concerned but didn't say anything.

Next day Tony told his buddy about drinking a full cup of the brake fluid.

"Great Stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.

A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend, "This break fluid is the world's greatest tasting stuff!"

His friend was now really worried.

"You know, Tony, that brake fluid is poison and it's really nasty stuff. You better stop drinking it!"

"Hey, no problem," he told his buddy....


(wait...)


(wait...)


(ready...)


(ok...)


"I can stop any time!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New Yorker out....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon load
of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon. "Hey Willie," the farmer said., "Forget your troubles for a spell and come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."


"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa wouldn't like that," Willie replied. "You need a break," the farmer insisted. "Well, okay, " the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it." After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset." "Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?" "Under the wagon."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

Ouch! on that last one....

There was this guy in a mental hospital. All day long he had his ear to the wall, listening. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day.

The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall too, and doesn't hear a thing.

"I don't hear anything, Clyde."

"I know, it's been like that for months!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor. "Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published."

The pastor replied, "Actually, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously."

"Great!" enthused the church member. "The sooner the better!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

M&M's: The Theory of Evolution

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.

To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man.
But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him--his
height. Or, should I say... his very-obvious lack of it.

One day he stormed through the front door and announced angrily,

"Someone just picked my pocket!"

Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who
just had to blurt out. . .

"How could anyone stoop so low?"

OMG i do that to my M&M's .. no lie.