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Re: A little levity #4365 07/06/04 08:50 AM
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Amy Lou Offline
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Me too!!! laugh

Re: A little levity #4366 07/07/04 06:04 AM
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Steve Offline
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"Official Mom Restraining Order"

1. When at mall, Mom will remain no fewer than ten feet
from teen at all times.

2. When at movie theater, Mom will not sit closer than
four seats in any direction from teen.

3. Mom will not emerge from house nor appear at window
when school bus is arriving.

4. If Mom accompanies teen and friend(s) to restaurant, Mom must sit at
separate table.

5. On the off-chance that Mom is in the school building at the same time
as teen, she must not IN ANY WAY acknowledge existence of teen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My son arrived back in the States after fighting with the First Marine Division in Iraq, but I still couldn't help reacting like a mom when I saw him running over to some buddies to return a bayonet. "Kevin," I shouted across the base before could stop myself, "don't run with that knife in your hands!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess. As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager. One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager." He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having a old-fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you'll try to work on that."

The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, but what was that you were saying?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

chuckle


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #4367 07/07/04 11:53 AM
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Amy Lou Offline
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chuckle Thanks Steve!!!

Re: A little levity #4368 07/08/04 04:19 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
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Steve Offline
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How To Tell Where A Driver Is From!


1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7. Waving at everyone that you pass, eating a moon pie, sipping an RC, smiling and chewing and talking to yourself. TENNESSEE
8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
12. Knee up against steering wheel, one hand on Tim Horton's coffee cup, cell phone in ear, accelerator to the floor, applying makeup/doing crossword puzzle/reading morning Free Press, knocking down orange barrels, changing lanes without turn signals: MICHIGAN

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aubrey Meek was brought before the court on the charge of refusing to obey a police officer.

"Why did you refuse to move on when asked to do so by the officer?" the judge inquired, obviously wondering what unexplained force could have given such a man strength to buck a strong minion of the law.

"It's like this, your honor," explained Meek. "My wife said I was to meet her at exactly twelve noon at that spot - and I was forced to choose between obeying my wife or obeying the law...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day. Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!" The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Any Cubs fans?? tongue tongue )


20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship (1906):
-
1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
-
2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
-
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
-
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
-
5. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.
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6. Harry Caray was born....and died.
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7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
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8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
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9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected
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10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
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11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
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12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
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13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League
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14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
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15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
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16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
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17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.
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18.The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
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19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.
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20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break,
she decided to call home collect.

Her five-year-old son answered and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Wendy on the line. Will you accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Daddy! Daddy! They've got Mommy! And they want money!"


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #4369 07/08/04 05:17 AM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 12,104
Allen Offline
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laugh


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: A little levity #4370 07/22/04 04:34 AM
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Allen Offline
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Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and left it there all night.

wink


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: A little levity #4371 07/22/04 04:53 AM
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Steve Offline
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ROFLOLOLOL chuckle


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #4372 07/23/04 06:43 PM
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D
David Offline
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Once upon a time, on a farm in Arkansas, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"

"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow.
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.
The pig just grunted in disdain.

And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand." But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free.


And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared, as long as there was free bread.

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

His wife Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for memories from two people who, for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

God, please help America.


- David
- Consider the daffodil, and while you are doing that, I'll be over here going through your stuff.
Re: A little levity #4373 07/23/04 10:57 PM
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Andy Offline
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chuckle


Who are you? What do you want? Why are you here? Where are you Going?
Re: A little levity #4374 07/24/04 12:26 AM
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U
UnconventionalKrisChen Offline
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Amen to God helping America. Before the country, government, economy and freedom go any further down the tubes than they already have. God bless us all.

Re: A little levity #4375 07/31/04 09:15 PM
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Posts: 12,104
Allen Offline
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I, Robot

There was this new bar in town that everyone was talking about because it had a robot-bartender. A man walks in to see this for himself. He sits at the bar and sure enough, a robot was bartending. The man orders a drink, and the robot asks him what his IQ is. The man replies that his IQ is 150. So the robot begins discussing nuclear physics, hydrogen power cells, and the current state of the global atmosphere. The man is amazed.

He has to see how good this robot really is. He leaves the bar and comes right back in and sits at the bar. Again, the robot asks him for his IQ. This time the man replies "100." So the robot discusses football, basketball, and the proper way to grill a steak.

The man leaves and comes back in for a third time. This time he tells the robot that his IQ is 50. The robot replies: "So, are you democrats really going to vote for Kerry?"


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: A little levity #4376 08/01/04 02:45 PM
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U
UnconventionalKrisChen Offline
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That's not fair. You didn't lower the number enough to get Republicans mentioned in the joke. It could have been like he comes back again and tells the robot 15. The robot could then ask him if the Republicans really think they can get Duhbya re-elected.

Re: A little levity #4377 08/02/04 04:26 AM
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Steve Offline
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That was funny!!!!


tongue Thom wink


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #4378 08/02/04 05:44 AM
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Allen Offline
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heheh wink


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: A little levity #4379 08/02/04 11:34 AM
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U
UnconventionalKrisChen Offline
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Well, I believe in equality in all things. The Dems got mentioned and I didn't want the Republicans to feel left out.

Re: A little levity #4380 08/02/04 07:38 PM
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Amy Lou Offline
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laugh

Re: A little levity #4381 08/04/04 05:51 AM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 12,104
Allen Offline
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Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.

"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"

"I dunno," said the second. "Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.

"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.

While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.

"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole."

"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: A little levity #4382 08/04/04 06:13 AM
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Steve Offline
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chuckle


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #4383 08/04/04 01:49 PM
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UnconventionalKrisChen Offline
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eek chuckle

Re: A little levity #4384 08/05/04 03:03 AM
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Amy Lou Offline
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Poor thing!!

slap

Ok... it's kind of funny!! tongue

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