The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cig- arettes were dry but all their matches had become wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This worked well. They were able to smoke because the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter.

There were pictures in this when I got it as an email. I tried to take them out and hope that they don't show up on this post. I know nothing about bandwidth and such....but it didn't need snoopy and friends to still be cute!

Saphy

GREAT TRUTHS


GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandmother's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED! :

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way BUT never forget to remember the blessings that come each day.

An oldy but goody


therapy lesson


Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an 8 step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See! You're smiling already.

Too tired to see if I posted this one before. If its a repeater...I appologize.

Cajun Furneral


Three friends of Thibodeaux from the local Cajun congregation were asked
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?"

Jacque said: "I would like dem to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a
great family man.

Ovide commented: "I would like dem to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Boudreaux said: "I'd like dem to say, "Look, he's moving!"


so funny...
saphy

Tehehe Very cute!!

7 reasons not to mess with a child




A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a

whale to swallow a human because even though it was

a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a

whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask

Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom

of children while they were drawing. She would

occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what

God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her

drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten

Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy

Father and thy Mother, she asked,

"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to

treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of

a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her

mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly

noticed that her mother had several strands of white

hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,

"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do

something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of

my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's

hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the

teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a

copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,

'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's

Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of

the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,

she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the

blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn

red in the face." "Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in

the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my

feet?" A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a

Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of

the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end

of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want.

God is watching the apples.

thanks Steve

Oh, oh, sumbuddy musta got Mr. Allen's dander up!

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender:
Duck: Do you have some bread?
Bartender: Nope.
Duck: Do you have some bread?
Bartender: Nope.
Duck: Do you have some bread?
Bartender: No, we don't have any bread!

Duck: Do you have some bread?
Bartender: No, we don't have any bread here!
Duck: Do you have some bread?
Bartender: No! Are you def? We don't have any bread here! If you ask me one more time if we have bread here, then I'm gonna nail your beak to the counter!
Duck: Do you have some nails?
Bartender: Nope.
Duck: Do you have some bread?

Aleina U quack me up

Aleina --- Aww dang!!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and now from the "it's just a tad too late department."

Twelve Holiday Uses for Duct Tape...!"

12. Red duct tape with white duct tape trim covering a down ski jacket makes a cheap Santa outfit.

11. Hang stockings from the chimney with duct tape.

10. Fasten decorative lights to railings of house with duct tape.

9. Thin strips of Duct Tape make great self-adhering tinsel.

8. Cover the inevitable gift fruit cake with duct tape and use as door stop.

7. Wrap gifts in Duct Tape for the gift that says, "Open me ... eventually."

6. Cover Christmas tree boughs with green duct tape to prevent needles from dropping.

5. Cover your dead tree limbs with green duct tape and cut fringes in the tape. Presto! Perma-Christmas Tree!

4. Control that hideous holiday weight gain ... Duct tape over your mouth.

3. Duct tape over the names in last years greeting cards and resend them.

2. Silver duct tape turns that old bride's maid dress into shiny holiday formal wear.

1. Duct tape great grandpa upright in his chair....!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and last but not least.....

There were two blondes who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of evil with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to dis-integrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their roots, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks....."

ROTFLOL!!!! That's my kind of (geeky) humor

that hurts my head

Yet another for the its just a tad too late dept

Cajun 12 days of Christmas

Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.

Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two
turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.

Day 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some
crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to
my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some sparing partners for her fighting rooster.

Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux!! I tol you no
more friggin birds. Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds", dey so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators.

Day 5: Dear Boudreaux, You finally sen' somethin
useful. I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!

Day 6: Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds,
you coon-___ turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geases. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his
snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches,though. I
may stuff dem wit erster dressing on Christmas day.

Day 7: Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool
neck next time I see you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blast dem out de water. Talk to you tomorrow.

Day 8: Dear Boudreaux, poor ole Thibeau, he had to
make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and dem cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over
da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweepinq the shack but dey say it wasn't in
dair contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta
skin nutrias I caught las night!

Day 9: Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do huh?
Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin." Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty
for fried nutria, and de cows done eat up all my turnip greens.

Day 10: Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman doan kill you, I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nekid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be "Ladies Dancin" but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by dat
out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet paper; The Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords'royal behin.

Day 11: Dear Boudreaux, where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da whiskey and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he drink a bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good time yeah dancing
with de floozies. Thibeau, he jump off de Sunshine
Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it.

Day 12: Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love no more, me. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou. The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and de Lords can be waiters an valet park de boats.

Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I
trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping business.We
will probably gross a million clams nex year.

Shopping...

When a man needs a suit, he and his wife go to the store. The salesman and the wife make selections from the rack. The husband tries them on. The wife and the salesman discuss the fit, remarking on the fullness, thinness or any asymmetry of the husband's body. The jacket and pants are pulled, tucked, pleated and bunched in assessing the need for tailoring. Once a suit is chosen, the wife and the store's tailor repeat the fitting procedure and then negotiate a date when the suit will be ready. On leaving the store, the husband may talk if he wishes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

(one for the moms)

Dear Kids,
Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for.

(Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border,no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.

Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it more this time. Trust me. No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded.

No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency. Emergencies ARE: 1. Dad has fallen off the roof. 2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding. 3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house. Emergencies are NOT: 1. Dad has fallen asleep. 2. Someone on TV is bleeding. 3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table. I'll be out soon. Maybe.

Love,
Your Mom

Ohhhhh, that is SOOOOOO good! (the one for Mom's). This may sound odd, but for years I didn't have a lock on my bathroom door. And no matter how I asked to get one... (ie. for my birthday, Christmas....whatever) I never got it. So, for my birthday one year, I went to Lowe's and bought me a "locking doorknob"....came home...got out the tools....and took off the old one...put on the new one (all by myself!!!)....then I ran me some hot water and crawled in for the first bit of privacy that I had had in a LONG, LONG time.

(Then my kids learned how to "pick" the lock! )

Good one, Steve!

The word UP

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two- letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP.

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for
election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a
room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is
special, and this is confusing.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look
UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(but I won't so ... what's up? )

Two men were backpacking in the woods when all of a sudden they happened upon a giant bear. The bear stood up and began to circle towards the men with a toothy roar and claws bared.

The first fellow looks at his friend who has pulled a tennis shoe from his pack and was putting it on hurriedly. "That's not going to do you any good" said the first man, "bears can run over 30 miles an hour."

The second man just pulled out his second tennis shoe and began putting it on. The first man turns again to the first man, as he could feel the bears breath as it circled even nearer and said, "I told you that even with those shoes on you cannot outrun a bear. Bears can outrun a quarter horse.

The second man says as he sprints away, "I don't have to outrun a quarter horse, I just have to outrun you!"

LOL...good one Steve