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Re: A little levity #4165 09/18/03 06:51 PM
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 32
Lizzy Offline
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I am not trying to pick on men. Okay so I like to pick on men at times. I am only human. Shoot me. laugh

  • So many men, So LITTLE aspirin!
  • If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
  • Why do men think they don't need directions when they can't even find their clean socks?
  • They say it's a man's world... so THATS what is wrong with it!
  • MEN! They sweep you off your feet then try to hand you the broom!
  • Men don't try to drive women crazy, it comes naturally.
  • Women are born with something men will never possess: A CLUE!
  • The Evolution of Man:
    </font><ul type="square">
  • Tadpole
  • frog
  • Princecharming
  • Royal Pain

</ul><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">
I will attest to the last one. I even have a tattoo of a frog with a crown. I called my beloved "Prince Charming", "Knight in Shining Armour". His mother could not believe it. She said she did not think there was a woman who would put up with him long enough to marry him. I joke to other people I had to kiss a lot of frogs till I found Prince Charming.

I have many frogs not because I like them. I have them because my beloved is Frog Leggs (long story) and is my Prince Charming and Knight in Shining Armour. Even as I once wrote to him in a poem, and joke at times, he needs naval jelly of love to remove the rust once in a while.

One more before I trot out the door.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald-head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

tongue


"The Lord has done this for me,
in these days He has shown His favor and taken away my disgrace among the people."
Luke 1:25 NIV
Re: A little levity #4166 09/19/03 01:21 PM
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UnconventionalKrisChen Offline
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No Lizzy, NOT THINK, KNOW they are beautiful!

Re: A little levity #4167 09/23/03 12:49 PM
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Lizzy Offline
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Amen, KrisChen!

I needed to feel that at the wedding I went to on Saturday evening. At the reception, we sat near all the gentlemen and their wives that my beloved work with. A gentleman that my beloved became close to was celebrating his daughter's wedding.

I sat their looking at the wives feeling like I was a bum. They had on smart, up to date, expensive outfits on. There I sat with my $3 used dress from a flea market. It took a while for me to hear God whisper that is was what was in the clothing, underneath in the person that matter. I then sat taller and head my head high. I did not have a charge card bill coming in for an outfit that I could not afford. Clothes do not make the person that is for sure.

Sorry... back to funnies: ROFL CORNER
-----------
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February
and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and
then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the
balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or
report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her
being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" ..... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number
given.)

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"


(author unknown)


[Side note: Do NOT try this with the IRS! They do not care the person died before filing their 1040 and you did not know that. Plus they do not have a sense of humor while on the job.]


"The Lord has done this for me,
in these days He has shown His favor and taken away my disgrace among the people."
Luke 1:25 NIV
Re: A little levity #4168 09/23/03 03:01 PM
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UnconventionalKrisChen Offline
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Lizzy, Trust me, as one who knows, $3 or $3,000.00 You my friend are most beautiful! Heck, I haven't even seen you and know that's for sure!

Re: A little levity #4169 09/29/03 04:11 AM
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Steve Offline
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While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas,I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.

My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend. Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."


ooops! chuckle


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #4170 10/02/03 02:32 AM
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Allen Offline
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One morning a woman and her baby was taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman deeply hurt slammed her money in the box, continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.

The man asks "What's wrong, you look mad?"

She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"That's outrageous! You shouldn't take that from him" the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you I would take down his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir I think I will report him." replied the lady.

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: A little levity #4171 10/02/03 04:25 AM
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Steve Offline
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chuckle


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #4172 10/02/03 05:04 AM
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Allen Offline
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HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

doh


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: A little levity #4173 10/02/03 01:51 PM
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embie Offline OP
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...... laugh

Thank you, I needed that... smile


When I don't measure up to much in this life, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ.
Re: A little levity #4174 10/07/03 02:22 AM
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Steve Offline
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Tee hee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.


How can you tell which one is the prostitute?


Hold on.....


You're gonna love it...


It's the one with the little sticker that says I-DA-HO. chuckle


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #4175 10/15/03 06:00 AM
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Steve Offline
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Someone has been snooping on Embie!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."


<ducking> laugh laugh laugh


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #4176 10/15/03 06:07 AM
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Allen Offline
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laugh laugh laugh

hoppy


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: A little levity #4177 10/16/03 09:33 AM
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aleina Offline

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Let's say a CAS Shooter named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.

He asks her out to a shoot; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few days later he asks her out to gun show, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home in his pickup, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the truck. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was ...let's see ....February when we started shooting together, which was right after I had the truck at the dealer's, which means ...lemme check the odometer ...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it ...

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have said.....Oh God, I feel so ......''

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger. He's glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that ...It's that I ...I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a bootleg copy of the 1993 End of Trail video. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger and why he can never find more than 8 of 10 rifle cases after they hit the dirt.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while reloading brass one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause, frown, and say: ''Bill, did Elaine ever own a horse?'

laugh ruff


aleina [Linked Image]
Re: A little levity #4178 10/16/03 01:06 PM
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Allen Offline
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HAHAH!! laugh

That just sounds so like non-conversations I've had laugh laugh laugh


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: A little levity #4179 10/17/03 03:52 AM
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Steve Offline
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ROFLOLOLOLOLOLOL chuckle laugh laugh laugh laugh I gotta send this to Dena.


... Can I bunk with one of yall for a week or so after she reads it???


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #4180 10/21/03 09:33 PM
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aleina Offline

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You can come to Sweden tongue

****************

WHO'S ON FIRST FOR THE 21ST CENTURY

ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT: Of course! They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know, accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word--the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.

click

ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

chuckle


aleina [Linked Image]
Re: A little levity #4181 10/22/03 03:16 AM
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UnconventionalKrisChen Offline
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Excellent and sounds like I should change my name to Costello.

Re: A little levity #4182 10/24/03 05:32 PM
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aleina Offline

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Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Conversation on an airplane:
Lady: "And where are you going?"
Programmer: "I'm going to San Francisco to a UNIX convention."
Lady: "Eunuchs convention? I didn't know there were that many of you."

tipsy


aleina [Linked Image]
Re: A little levity #4183 10/28/03 05:27 AM
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Steve Offline
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laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
some old, some new smile


1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ????
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #4184 10/28/03 11:34 PM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 12,104
Allen Offline
Disciple
Offline
Disciple
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 12,104
laugh Those sound like Steven Wright, he's hilarious laugh


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
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