ROTFLOLOLOLOL@Hallmark!!

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example,
most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was made in England.
The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment, scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting the delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as...Sinko de Mayo.

*rim-shot*

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TRAGEDY HITS IN EASTERN CANADA

Gander NLFD (CP)

Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Uh Uh , I didnt hear that ....no way

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see," "yes," "go on," "I understand," and "how did you feel about that?"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, "Whoa... What
happened next?"

You are taking photographs in a
haunted house and you spot a ghost. He
agrees to have his picture taken
but your camera fails to flash. What's
the problem?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

*shudder*

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.

4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

8) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my
mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,
how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."

15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

18) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

One for the Nurses!!

You know it's going to be a bad day in the ER when...

You show up for work and notice bars have just been installed on all the windows and there is now a metal detector at the hospital entrance.

The paramedics in the parking lot are all using mops to clean up their ambulances and the EMTs are using a hose.

The off-going shift has a hard time keeping a straight face when giving report, especially about Room 15.

Your first patient of the day insists there is no way that she can be pregnant. She's crowning.

Your next five patients and their families all scream at you in different languages, none of which you speak.

Your next patient screams at you in a language you do understand, but you can't remember hearing that many obscenities strung together at once.

The intoxicated 250 Kg. transvestite in Room 15 keeps trying to get your home phone number because you "are just too sweet.

The hospital's attorney wants to talk to you, but her secretary won't tell you what it's about.

The hospital has a surprise disaster drill. You were the only one who wasn't tipped off.

The psychiatric patients' delusions are beginning to make sense........

ROTFLOL...Good Laud..these are so accurate they're scary...now when I return to work on Tuesday I fully expect the bars..the other stuff comes with the territory...you forgot the "administration wants you in the office now"..so you wonder..ok this is number 4 for the week and it's only tuesday!!what this time...Ms. So and So said that you need an attitude adjustment..."what did I do"..she said you were rude..."how was I rude" ..you told her she should try motrin rather than tylenol for his pain..."well I did say that because of the anti-inflammatory effects" well she didn't appreciate it and the patients/family perception of what you say is all that matters so...we have to write it up and put it in your personal files...Mr. So and so..complained that you made him get up on the stirups in the gyn room...and he felt degraded and demeaned so he's gotten himself a lawyer...well if Mr. So and so didn't like texas tumblers so much....uhhhh..I wouldn't have to search for it!!! ...need I say more...lol..or the nice calm little old lady who proceeds to beat the living **** outta ya...I've been kicked, punched, choked...blood been drawn..but still no bars..they might be a welcomed addition...but I do love my job...go figure...

One less swimmer in the darwin pool it seems:


Fight Over Hairy Rears Lands 1 In Jail, 1 In Hospital

MANSFIELD TOWNSHIP, N.J. -- A fight between friends has landed one of them in the hospital and the other in jail.

Police in Mansfield Township, N.J., say Emmanuel Nieves and Erik Saporito were talking with friends early Wednesday -- arguing over who had the hairiest buttocks.

According to police, Nieves got so upset, he pulled a knife and slashed Saporito on the head. He's OK after being treated at a Hackettstown, N.J., hospital.

Nieves is being held on $25,000 bond this morning. Charges include aggravated assault, terroristic threats, weapons offenses and criminal mischief.

All that when he could have woven a nice rug...........

Subject: Italian-American Christmas


I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents' house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to
see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees.

So, I was wrong. Sue me.

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve."

"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.

I had only known my mother for 31 years when I told her I'd be bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really looking forward
to meeting all of you."

"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.

And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me. What more could I want?

I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the season an Italian woman's raison d'etre. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being. I brought her anyway.

7p.m. - we arrive .

Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen
like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake. My father is equally observant. He pulls me into the
living room and notes, "She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being."

7:30p.m. - Others arrive.

Uncle Ziti walks in with my Aunt Mafalde, assorted kids, assorted gifts. We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone, and anchovies. When I offer to make Karen's plate she says, "Thank you. But none of those things, okay?" She points to the anchovies.

"You don't like anchovies?" I ask. "I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all as 67 other varieties of foods-that-swim are baking, broiling
and simmering in the next room.

My mother makes the sign of the cross.

Things are getting uncomfortable. Aunt Mafalde asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve. Karen says,"Knockwurst." My father, who is still staring in a daze, at Karen's chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, "Knockers?"

My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot. None of this is turning out the way I'd hoped.

8:00p.m. - Second course.

The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with butter and ketchup. My
mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my "Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the "Merry Christmas" tablecloth and walk into
the kitchen. "I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. "But if she pours this on
my pasta, I'm going to throw acid in her face."
"Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants."

My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she
grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth," she says, "are you serious with this tramp?" "She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her
for three weeks." "Well, it's your life", she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll poison you."

8:30p.m. - More fish.

My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé plant hangers that are always three times larger than the plants they hold. All the women get up
to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette. "Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest. Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks. "Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling painfully. "Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she reenters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head, and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says, "Whoops." I vaguely remember that
line from Torch Song Trilogy. "Whoops?" NO. "Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft."

More fish comes out.

After some goading, Karen tries a piece of scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms." My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women
you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Aunt Mafalde does the same.

Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest. My Uncle Ziti doesn't
know what to make of it. My father's dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.

10:00p.m. - Coffee, dessert.

Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a
cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it.

This is fun," Karen says. Fun? No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft. But, amazingly, everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer - even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says, "Get this b*tch out of my house."

Sounds fine to me.

THE END
If you aren't in stitches by now, you don't know Italian-Americans!

That is hilarious..thanks for sharing

ROFLOLOLOL

Exactly what lineage is your last name from Embie???

You changed the name to protect yourself didn't you?????

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked.
**********************************************************************
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
***********************************************************************
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
the space. Understandably, he shot her.
**********************************************************************
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a
>free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling
the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
************************************************************************
5. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see
how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
**********************************************************************
6. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only
took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her
daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having
sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the
horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't
you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am.
It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and
three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.


Hope you enjoyed them

I enjoyed them all, I finally read some others I had missed on this page Thanks for the funnies

Heres two!!

1. Once there lived a woman who had a maddening
passion for baked beans. She loved them. Alas, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When
it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way
home from work. Since she lived in the country
she called her husband and told him that she would
be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor
of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned
the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was really surprised to see the twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy Birthday"!!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
2. When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had
some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

Hee hee now to increase the pain!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid $75 by check as usual.

A couple of weeks later, I came home from work to find my wife quite upset.

She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry.

She had noticed the canceled check and, on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables.. you name it!"

"That's probabably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

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so there!

Surgeon General Mills Recommends Three To Five Servings Of Froot Per Day
WASHINGTON, DC—In a report submitted Monday to the Department of Health and Human Services, Surgeon General James Mills recommended that Americans consume three to five servings of froot per day. "A crunchier, more berrilicious cousin of the fruit family, froot is vital to proper digestion and breakfast fun," Surgeon General Mills said. "Whether you're eating it straight off the vine or, ideally, in its processed 'loop' form, Americans should be sure to get plenty of froot."