LIFE AS WE SEE IT

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine...is like night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot!

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last-thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have!
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machine.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way...you're in the wrong lane!!!
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened!!!

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then..I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you gro old; you
grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
It is very bad to suppress laughter: it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you are cheese or wine.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Have you ever wondered, why noses run and...feet smell?

Love all those... I may start rotating them here

Here's a pretty funny one:

http://www.major3d.com/animate/Mouse_final.mpeg

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man by the name of Bonner, approached the White House. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing
guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine looked at the old man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. "

Then Bonner said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same old man approached the White House and said to the same U.S. Marine standing guard, "I would like to go in and meet
with President Clinton". The marine again told Bonner, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here."

Then Bonner said, "Okay" and walked away.

The third day, the same old man approached the White House and spoke to the same U.S. Marine standing guard, "I would like to go in and meet
with President Clinton".

The marine, a little agitated at this point, looked at Bonner and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I have told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

Then Bonner looked at the U.S. Marine and said,"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it".

The Marine guard saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

Love that one Steve!!!

HAHAH

Arthritis...

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

Please do, I miss the quotes!

aleina

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Ya sure are fond of those blonde, jokes Allen...

ROFL...that was funny tho...

I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN and darn proud of it -


I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin and antacid.

I am the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories.....over - - - and over -- - and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, Medicare, dental care.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds or politicians.

I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, and lumpy and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like........

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors, absolutely nothing!

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm in the "initial" stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S and AARP.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the key to it.

I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!

A grief-stricken man threw himself across the
grave and cried bitterly.

"My life, how senseless it is! How worthless is everything about me. If only you hadn't died,
If only fate had not been so cruel as to take
you from this world, how different my life would have been."

A clergyman happened by and to soothe the man he
offered a prayer.

Afterward he said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you."

"Oh yes," moaned the man.

"It's my wife's first husband!"

Training Courses Now Available for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

OMG Allen those are HILARIOUS!! ROTFLOLOLOLOL!!!!

btw you forgot
#30 Accepting Your Limitations: How to admit you're wrong



aleina

Where is the Love?

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.

Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow him to bits......."

Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

I only had one officer Mr. Keg...

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...You loser!

Come on write the darn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Aren't you one of the Village People?

THE LOVE DRESS"

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the

recently married couple's house. She rang the

doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her

daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from

work." the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law

exclaimed.

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law

explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It

makes him happy and it makes me happy.

I would appreciate it if you would leave now

because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this

romantic talk and left.

On the way home she thought about the love

dress. When she got home she got undressed,

showered, put on her best perfume and waited by

the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in

and saw her standing there naked.

"What in the world are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

He said...
"Well it needs ironing...What's for supper?"

those have been funny, thanks

Awwwwwwwwwwww grossssssssssssssss
hahahahahahahahahahahaa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject Train Ride

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek.

After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me & by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her".

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never
shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for
this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He
took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said:

"This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decided to teach him a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan and hid in the dark to scare him when he got home.
When he finally came stumbling across the lawn, his wife jumped out in front of him and howled like a demon. He just looked at her and slurred, "You don't scare me; I'm married to your sister!"