DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish--------------------------- 49

Adventurous------------------- Has had many "relations"

Athletic------------------------- Flat Chested

Average looking--------------- Ugly

Beautiful------------------------ Pathological liar

Contagious Smile-------------- Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure------------ On medication

Feminist------------------------- Fat

Free spirit----------------------- Junkie

Friendship first----------------- Reformed Tramp

Fun------------------------------- Annoying

New Age------------------------ Body hair in the wrong places

Open-minded------------------- Desperate

Outgoing------------------------ Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate----------------------- Sloppy drunk

Professional--------------------- Crabby witch

Voluptuous---------------------- Very Fat

Large frame--------------------- Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate--------------- Stalker

hehe, how's that going Steve?

Speaking of which, I found crazy white girl's profile on a local site

As long as it wasn't the post office! LOL

This is a very simple exercise program for senior citizens. You should do this three times a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10 pound potato sacks. Then use 50 pound potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks, and continue the program as needed.

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant. As he sat down at a table he
noticed that his waiter was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "The Special please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and prepared the meal right before the
man.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
interstellar space travel', 'the latest medical breakthroughs,
etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the restaurant but thought he would
try something different next time.

He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he
would have? "A Special please."

Again it was superb! The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100."

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball
scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
seat.... Again a special, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... Bout 50."

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e.........y-o-u-......... p-e-o-p-l-e......g-o-I-n-g...... t-o........ v-o-t-e......f-o-r.....H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?????"

===WELCOME TO OUR HOME===

"Oh, I sure am happy to see you, "the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us. The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again", the little boy answered.

=== The Mood Ring ===

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

=== The Water Pistol ===

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied. . . "I remember."

=== Half Price ===

US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

=== Life After Death ===

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his
employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: A thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich, she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I LOVE mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it to my tongue. Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, Now you know why they call that fancy mustard poupon.

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it."Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....

This particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,

"Mom, what is butt dust?"

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"


The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Cannot Outdo Cajuns

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than did the Scots."

One week later, "The Advertiser", a Lafayette, Louisiana, newspaper, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30
meters in cane fields near New Iberia , Gaston Boudreaux, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Gaston has, therefore, concluded that 300 years ago Cajuns were already using wireless."

Out of the mouths of babies....!
1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy,will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's a ***** to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

Love number nine!!!!!!!!!! ROFL


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Being Married

During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married
him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he
said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of
love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out
of stupid."

haha!

Class of 1957

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" Well... you'll love this one!



I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my class mate. Or could he?

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Glendale High School.

"Yes! yes, I did! I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1957. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled, bald, fat, gray, decrepit, jerk said, "What did you teach?"

The International Symbol for Marriage:

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"Nope"

Is it Scotch ?

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy.

"It's a puppy!"

Chinese Food...

http://jflores.com/jokes/chowmein.htm

Doh! Duplicate... See below...

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH & HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS! THIS IS A HANDY GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND, CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!

DANGEROUS: WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
SAFER: CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?
SAFEST: WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?
ULTRA SAFE: HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.

DANGEROUS: ARE YOU WEARING THAT?
SAFER: WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!
SAFEST: WOW! LOOK AT YOU!
ULTRA SAFE: HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.

DANGEROUS: WHAT ARE YOU SO WORKED UP ABOUT?
SAFER: COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?
SAFEST: HERE'S MY PAYCHECK.
ULTRA SAFE: HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.

DANGEROUS: SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?
SAFER: YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT.
SAFEST: CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?
ULTRA SAFE: HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.

DANGEROUS: WHAT DID YOU DO ALL DAY?
SAFER: I HOPE YOU DIDN'T OVER-DO IT TODAY.
SAFEST: I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!
ULTRA SAFE: HERE, HAVE SOME MORE WINE.


13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

1. PASS MY SHOTGUN

2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING

3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE

4. PUFFY MID-SECTION

5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK

6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS

7. PARDON MY SOBBING

8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE

9. PASS MY SWEATS

10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME

11. POOR MEN SUCK

12. PACK MY STUFF

...&&& MY FAVORITE ONE

13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT