What do you have when you have an attorney in quicksand up to his neck?

Sand that's not quick enough

~




Married men, on average die 4 years before their spouse....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If you're totally beat after a hard day's work, you don't give a darn about other people's needs.
If she is tired after chasing the kids all day, you just don't understand what she goes through.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...do you understand it is because they want to...






~

SICK LEAVE

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.

hahah

See if you can tell what is wrong with this picture?

hmm... I dated people like that in the past

I think one of them is my ex husband... ROFLOLOL!

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
graveside service in a new cemetery for a derelict man (with no
family or friends) who had died while traveling through the
area.

The cemetery was way back in the country. This man would be the
first to be laid to rest at this new cemetery.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost.

Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions. And when I
finally arrived an hour late, I saw a crew and a backhoe, but
the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The workmen were eating lunch. I apologized for my tardiness,
but the workers just looked puzzled. I stepped to the side of
the open grave, to find the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was
the proper thing to do.

As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I
poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the
Lord" and "Glory," (they must have all been Baptist).

I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before. I
began from Genesis and worked all the way through to Revelation.
I preached for 45 minutes.

It was a long service. Finally, I closed in prayer and it was
finished.

As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and I
would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in
spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard
one of the workers saying to another...

"Ya know, I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, but I
ain't never seen anything like that before."

Please excuse the rough language in the following story... I don't write them, I just post them.


A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned home, Sam started using the most horrible language--things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

HAHAHAHAHAH!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Stars of the '60s and '70s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging Baby Boomers. Ready? here 'tis:

1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now

7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair

11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

13. Abba--- Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

16. Leslie Gore-- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To

17. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

OMG!!!!! ROFLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL....

Divorce for Thanksgiving:

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that

your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.



"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.



We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."



Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."



She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.



The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says, "They're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go
with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He
prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day
Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of
you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
ladies rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's
on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible " theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"

And last, but not least .

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

The face of stupid:

http://www.courttv.com/onair/shows/red/red_player.html?id=331&link=RED

hee hee

A fellow applies to the local Welfare Office for money. They ask why he
needs financial assistance.

"I'm having trouble with my eyes," the man says., matter of factly.

"I beg your pardon, did you say 'your eyes'? the clerk asks in a
bewildered tone.

"That's right," the man replies......"I can't see myself going to work."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm a counsellor who helps coordinate support groups for
visually-impaired adults.

Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which
makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features.

I had just been assigned to a new group and was
introducing myself.

Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I
jokingly said,

"For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a
cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford."

Immediately, one woman called out, "Hey! We're not *THAT* blind!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Jorge, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Bill, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Bill said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous balls of litter."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a double garage, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a segment of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap an entire Cadillac. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning and often results in the following conversation: --
-

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a huge trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs."

But these words do NOT appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

*NEVER* be late!

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks out of his NY apartment and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me! I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake."

Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And, he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his ex-wife!"