OMG, that scenario made me think of Ben Afflick in Forces of Nature when he was on the plane talking with his soon to be wife...No, I love yooooooo more...no, yoooooo, more, no I love yoooooooooo more... ROFLOLOLOLOL It was stupid sweet

We'll save Hatpin's post and mail it back to him in ten years when he's paying a mortgage and installments on braces and his son just got arrested for throwing eggs on Halloween, and his wife has gained a few pounds and somehow her sweet gentle voice has now turned into a foghorn ...

Just jokin ya Brutha...I know your marriage will be awesome. God put you together...Keep Him first and you'll stay that way. But PLEASE post that pic so they all understand the slapstick family that you married into

Allen...did you setup a bug in my house?!?!?!?

j/k

Actually, our conversations are nothing like that. We talk more like the couple that's been married for fourty years. I've been with Crystal for 5 years now and only been married for 7 months. The only thing that really changed was....we have bills and sleep in the same bed now.

I'll post that pic embie if I can find a place to host it *ahem* Allen *ahem*....(it's only 324K)

It was in jest, we know people don't really talk like that

Email the picture to info@ubbdev.com and I'll put it up for you

How 'bout yall post some JOKES up here we can all "get" ? I need some !

Mommy has the flu

Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids. (All mom's will enjoy a good laugh!)

Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit-cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you in a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight.

Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. How do you turn off the milkman?
3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the refrigerator door?

I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, house cleaned and dinner on time....... I called your mother.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females" he replied.
Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone" he responded

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
> hair dryer at passing cars.  See if they slow down.
>
> 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
>
> 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
> with
> that.
>
> 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
>
> 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten
> over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
>
> 6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
>
> 7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
>
> 8. Dont use any punctuation marks
>
> 9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
>
> 10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
>
> 11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
>
> 12. Sing along at the opera.
>
> 13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
>
> 14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
> sounds all day.
>
> 15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
> because you're not in the mood.
>
> 16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
>
> 17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time
> this week!!!!!"
>
> 18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
> "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
>
> 19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to
> have to let one of you go."
>
> And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
>
> 20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent
> it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bad Nuns ~

There are 3 nuns and a mother superior. The mother
superior tells the 3 nuns before they can receive their saint name and that they had one final test.

She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad...

After the 3 nuns return, the mother superior says,
"Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first 2 nuns are crying, the 3rd is giggling.

The mother superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?" The first answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I stole and ate fruit from someone's garden." The mother superior says, "Go drink the holy water and it will be alright," The 3rd nun is dancing around in laughter.

The mother superior asks the 2nd one. Her whole
body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole and ate candy from a baby." The mother superior says, "My child drink the holy water and you are forgiven.

The 3rd nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The mothersuperior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?"

The 3rd nun is barely able to answer through her
tears of laughter," I pee'd in the Holy water."


*cough* ...............

Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell
'We Expected Eternal Paradise For This,' Say Suicide Bombers

http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/hijackers_surprised.html

::warning : parental discretion advised::

This article is both funny and a bit revolting, and has been featured in several nagazines and TV news shows.

Revolting? Yes it is.

Funny? No it isn't.

I tried to keep my comments to myself, but that article has to be one of the most disgusting things I have ever read. It breaks my heart to believe that anyone would find those kind of things to be "funny". Those poor souls were misguided and deceived from early in their lives...what they did was horrific...but to find pleasure in the tortures that they will endure in hell is equally horrific. I feel sick to my stomach after reading that article....but it does serve a higher purpose....it enforces my resolve to pray for the terrorists...and for the lost....I don't want ANYONE to ever have to experience such atrocities. It isn't funny....at all.

[ 11-14-2001: Message edited by: delight ]

?

Yo Allen, are you going through some strange stage or something. That was actually TACKY

Very sad indeed, but the horrors of hell are very real. I think that we should be revolted by the sin, making us even more vigilant in our efforts to spread the Truth. Prayer and perseverance are key. God will save whom God will save. He is Sovereign. Not everyone will go to Heaven. Those that had no opportunity to know the Lord will have their chance to accept Christ. It's what they choose at that point that will determine their eternity. Prayer and perseverance.

Praise God for Jesus and Calvary. /

Agree ladies! I am glad I don't know all the words in the English language Could have set my dictionary on fire

On the other hand... One of my male friends told me a couple of "jokes" like the ones in that article. I told him it was more repulsive than funny. He said it was probably a guy thing, a defense mechanism and a way to somehow cope with the horrors of the WTC attacks. So since the WTC attack were and still are so enormously horrific and difficult to understand, the jokes will be equally horrific... I can see where he is coming from, but I still think it's kinda sick to laugh at smth like that article... and that we need to pray for those hijackers and everyone involved!

JMHO

aleina

True Questions

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?

A. Borofkin.

Q. What's his first name?

A. I can't remember.

Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?

A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

*******************************

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A. No.

*******************************

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

*******************************

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.

*******************************

Q. Are you married?

A. No, I'm divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

*******************************

Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?

*******************************

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

*******************************

Q. What happened then?

A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q. Did he kill you?

A. No.

*******************************

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.

*******************************

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

*******************************

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

*******************************

Q: ...and what did he do then?

A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.

Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

*******************************

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

*******************************

Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?

A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that ************- and she did!

*******************************

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?

A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

*******************************

Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

A: The victim lived.

*******************************

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

You Know You're From East Texas When...

Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor on the Highway.

"Vacation" means going to the family reunion.

You've seen all the big bands 10 years after they were popular.

You measure distance in minutes.

Everbody you know has hit a deer.

Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

You often have to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.

You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the
year.

You use "fix" as a verb twice in one sentence.
---------- Example: I am fixin' to fix dinner.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,grain, or animal (including pesky insects!).

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. (And your car as well!)

You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.

You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages for sports.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."

You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer,
still summer, and Christmas.

There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1,000 or more (Shoot, lots of towns with fewer have one!).

Going to Walmart is a favorite pastime known as
"goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop, it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.

You recognize that cheese grits and catfish nuggets is a meal that must have been bestowed upon the people by the Lord Himself.

You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of bread with flavored flour and water (a delicacy known as "biscuits n' gravy").

You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends and to a few fer'ners who love you anyway.

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, ''Would you like to say the blessing?''

''I wouldn't know what to say,'' the girl replied.

''Just say what you hear Mommy say,'' the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, ''Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?''

None to contribute, just saying I enjoyed them all... especially the court ones

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade." -- Jack Handey

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance valuations in a large US Corporation although I think many of us would recognize them as extracts from assessments!!!!

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

He would argue with a signpost."

He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

Dear Family and Friends:

There will be a change in plans, Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised.
Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.
After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and
everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plates and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I
have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline.

Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 am upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.
We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In
the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening
at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony.
I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to
check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed.

It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the
traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.

I am thankful.