HAH!!!!

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Is English Difficult? --- You Betcha!

Can you read these correctly ... the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The landfill was so full, they had to refuse more refuse.

4) Please polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could be in the lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier chose to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, it is time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does strange antics when does are around.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong for us to wind the sail.

18) I shed a tear upon seeing the tear in the painting.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) I need to intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Is it not crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think the first 'teachers of the language' should have been committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. How is it that people recite a play and play at a recital; ship by truck and send cargo by ship; have noses that run and feet that smell??

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; you fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. This is why ... when the stars are out, they are visible -- but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

because going back to my hooked on phonics, "q doesn't make a sound unless with letter u then together they usually make qu as in quack" hehe

Classic Boudreaux and Thibodeaux

Boudreaux staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a band-aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux said, "Mer chais, why you say such a mean ting?"

"Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly.... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

i love it

ROFL........that was good!

A young college girl came running in tears to her father.
"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

Funny stuff.

hehe sounds like a few people i know hehe

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left foot in. And then the trouble started.

teehee

Here is the All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the
trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice,
pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it.
You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your
instincts guide you!


Dear,

a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated

prank. How could I have known that the

a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true
that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with light bulb in the torch,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage
that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine,
b) fathom,
c) comprehend,
d) appreciate,
e) pay for,

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are
perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me,
b) sue me,
c) spank me,
d) take my firstborn,
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi
pond,

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around
at

a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially
one that

a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Enter name here (or alias): ______________

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A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"

Shouting back, the woman replies,

"For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the exam paper the Professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we
had not received any outside assistance.

Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The Professor carefully studied the student's answer script and said,

"You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
Instructions on how to clean your toilet


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

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A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when
three very large, leathered bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette
into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the
counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spat into
the old man's milk and then he too took a seat
at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over
the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at
the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly
left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to
the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver
either, he just backed his big-rig over three
motorcycles."

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hawhawhawhawhaw!!!!!!!!!!!!you can have the duck? oh man that is funny.....

Home Mechanic's Tools... and their usage....

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16th or ½ socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found near motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove, in order to replace a 50 cent part.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AAADD


Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated

Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests: I decided to wash my car. As I started toward the garage, I spotted the mail on the hall table. I should go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay the car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. Since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, might as well pay the bills first.

I see my checkbook on the table, but there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk, where I find the bottle of juice that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the juice aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. But the juice is getting warm, and should be put in the refrigerator to kept it cold. Heading toward the kitchen with the juice, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye. They need to be watered. I set the juice down on the counter, and find my reading glasses, for which I've been searching all morning. I had better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. Tonight when we sit down to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table. I should put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I put the remote back down on the table, and get some towels to wipe the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: - the car isn't washed, - the bills aren't paid, - there is a warm bottle of juice sitting on the counter, - the flowers aren't watered, - there is still only one check in my checkbook, -I can't find the remote, - I can't find my glasses, - and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. -I'm trying to figure out why nothing got done today; -it's quite baffling because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. - I know this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, - but first I'll check my e-mail.

And.........


Deep thoughts

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way
you're going to like it.

The only two things we do with greater frequency
in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not
everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll
have thousands of old ladies running around
with nose rings and back-tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow
it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than
in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double
and feel single..

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out
of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching
in every joint, you are probably dead.

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some
sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side.

So all the bats were honored to take part. The
rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more
blood, will be the winner?

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10
minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula
says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?"

The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it
there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood
of all the family".

"Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after
5 minutes all her face covered in blood.

Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind
it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children".

"Impressive" said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three
minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe.

Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked.

And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?"
Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman has twins, and sadly, gives them both up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Many years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds....

"But, honey, they're twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."

Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and announced, "I'm going left."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking along the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking on the side of the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud, satisfying "THUMP!". Then he would swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was going along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled his truck over.

He rolled down the window and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! C'mon....I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road. Instinctively, he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so.....at the last minute he swerved away, narrowly missing the lawyer.

Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud, "THUD!!". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said,

"I'm sorry, Father, I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest.....

"I got him with the door!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.

"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."

The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that." The customer replied, "I don't know why not... that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Town Is So Tough It Has...


Hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register

Gun shops that have "Back to School" sales

Restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb

Bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand

Schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer

Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys

Advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw

A 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list

"Honor students" are those who practice saying "Yes/No, your honor"

Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man

Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

hehe thanks steve for the laugh.

That was awesome! espec. for anyone working graveyard shift. hahaha