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Re: A little levity #3645 10/21/01 07:34 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
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Mango Offline
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The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas. THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGO's will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV cmmercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


Mango

- what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul?
Re: A little levity #3646 10/21/01 07:41 PM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 69
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pepe' Offline
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laugh

Here's a leetle more direct route to that "Daylight Come and Me Drop De Bomb!" :

http://www.madblast.com/oska/humor_bin.swf

The Non Conforming Sparrow
Once upon a time, there was a non conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The moral of this story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if your warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut. tipsy


pepe'
Re: A little levity #3647 10/22/01 06:07 AM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 12,104
Allen Offline
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T-Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them...
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus.

Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

The money is always greener in the other guyís wallet.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.

She Who MUST be obeyed

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.

I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

I love my cat. My cat does not care.

If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.

Only in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

What if the Hokey Pokey is really what itís all about?

Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.

Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

No one pays attention until you make a mistake.

Jesus loves you, but I think youíre a jerk.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.

If I save time, when do I get it back?

A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Are you sure Iím (age)? I want a recount!

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Born free. Taxed to death.

If ďproĒ is the opposite of ďcon,Ē is progress the opposite of congress?

All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often.

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine!

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Life is too short. Don't be a jerk.

Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Donít treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...?

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Women have PMS. Men have ESPN.

Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.

Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich.

Who do you want to talk to: 1) the man is charge or 2) the woman who really knows whatís going on?

If life is like a bowl of cherries, then Iím living in the pits!

Barney sucks.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

If they donít have chocolate in heaven, Iím not going.

If you scratch your rear, donít bite your fingernails.

Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money.

If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in basement.

Fart in church, and youíll sit in own pew.

Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.

Itís not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. Itís the jerks.

I donít know what I want, but I do know I donít have it.

People who give back their ill-gotten gains are reformed crocks. People who keep most of the loot and only give back a little are philanthropists.

Once youíve climbed the ladder of success, youíre over the hill.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.

Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do.

Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. .

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of the dog, itís too dark to read.

I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

The screw up fairy has visited us again.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a care.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade my job for what's behind door #1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain)

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.

Constant change is here to stay.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Donít be old until you have lived!

Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing todayís good stuff.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.

Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!

Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: A little levity #3648 10/22/01 06:09 PM
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pepe' Offline
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Amore` those! Merci!


How to give a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve the @#%! cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little *^%)*&%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak fillet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from Hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters......

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese ruff


pepe'
Re: A little levity #3649 10/22/01 06:53 PM
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,100
embie Offline OP
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Posts: 6,100
Men have ALL the breaks! smash

IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN!

My last name stays put.
The garage is all mine.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
I can be president.
Car mechanics tell me the truth.
I don't give a rat's patootie if someone doesn't
notice my new haircut.
I never have to drive to another gas station
because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle my feet.
My pals can be trusted never to trap me with "So,
notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the dang time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
I know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
I can open all my own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob me blind.
I can leave the motel bed unmade.
I can kill my own food.
I get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite me to something, he or she can still be my friend.
My underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If I'm 34 (38...modified for Allen <img src="tongue.gif" border="0" alt="" /> ) and single, nobody notices.
Everything on my face stays its original color.
I can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
I don't have to clean my apartment if the maid is
coming.
I can quietly watch a game with my buddy for
hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
I don't mooch off other's desserts.
I can drop by to see a friend without having to
bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same
outfit, we just might become lifelong friends.
I am not expected to know the names of more than
five colors.
I don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
I am unable to see wrinkles in my clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
I don't have to shave below my neck.
My belly usually hides my big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all
seasons.
I can "do" my nails with a pocketknife. (for pepe laugh


When I don't measure up to much in this life, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ.
Re: A little levity #3650 10/22/01 07:43 PM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 12,104
Allen Offline
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OK, now I feel better <img src="smile.gif" border="0" alt="" />


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: A little levity #3651 10/24/01 12:48 AM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 12,104
Allen Offline
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Posts: 12,104
Nation's Grandmas Halt Production Of Afghan Blankets

WASHINGTON, DCó In a show of support for the U.S., the nation's grandmas announced plans Monday to stop knitting afghan blankets. "We must do our part to stand behind our country," said spokesgrandma Nettie Bennett, 87. "Even if it means my new grandson will have to sleep with a store-bought comforter, I will not make something named after a place that lets terrorists run around all willy-nilly."


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: A little levity #3652 10/24/01 04:47 PM
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 683
A
aleina Offline

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Posts: 683
Allen, that is awful....ly funny.... <img src="redface.gif" border="0" alt="" />

Three guys walk into a bar and one duck

Marine basket ball:
- Can we get a wet towel? There is a dry spot here, someone might get hurt!

If you work at Microsoft, are you allowed to eat apples?

Why is it so hard to get into the Microsoft office? The building has no doors, only windows!

aleina


aleina [Linked Image]
Re: A little levity #3653 10/25/01 06:19 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 7,045
Steve Offline
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Posts: 7,045
HEE HEE!!!!!!!

(now some of these are painful!)

HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST?
* THEY TAKE THE PSYCHO PATH.
=========
HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
* YOU BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT.
=========
WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
* DAM!
==========
WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
* POLAROIDS
==========
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
* A STICK.
==========
WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
* NACHO CHEESE.
==========
WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
* SUBORDINATE CLAUSES.
==========
WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
* QUATTRO SINKO.
==========
WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
* SPOILED MILK.
===========
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
* FROSTBITE.
===========
WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
*A NERVOUS WRECK.
===========
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
* ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF
===========
WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
* RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT HIM.
===========
WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
* BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS.
===========
WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
* BECAUSE IT SCARES THE DOG.
===========
WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
* SANKA
===========
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
* THE LOCATION OF THE DIRT BAG.
===========
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
* A BAD GOLFER GOES, WHACK, DANG IT!.
* A BAD SKYDIVER GOES DANG IT!! WHACK
===========
HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
* UNIQUE UP ON IT.
===========
HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
* TAME WAY, UNIQUE UP ON IT.
===========
WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
* SKEET.
===========
WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
* AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING
===========
HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A ARKANSAS DIVORCE THE SAME?
* SOMEBODY'S GONNA LOSE A TRAILER


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #3654 10/25/01 12:03 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 7,045
Steve Offline
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A drunk had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called...you left your wheelchair there again."


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #3655 10/25/01 04:15 PM
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,100
embie Offline OP
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Posts: 6,100
Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a
bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print
editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with
tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores
with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of
exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for
Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of
The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired
of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

I've added my own little twist here...

12. Born-Again Barbie...all those things above and still she's beautiful in the eyes of God laugh


When I don't measure up to much in this life, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ.
Re: A little levity #3656 10/26/01 05:43 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
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Steve Offline
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AN ILLINOIS MAN LEFT THE STREETS OF CHICAGO FOR A FLORIDA VACATION. HIS WIFE WAS ON A BUSINESS TRIP AND WAS PLANNING TO MEET UP WITH HER HUSBAND IN FLORIDA THE NEXT DAY. WHEN HE REACHED HIS HOTEL, HE DECIDED TO SEND HIS WIFE A QUICK E-MAIL.

UNABLE TO FIND THE SCRAP OF PAPER ON WHICH HE HAD JOTTED HER E-MAIL ADDRESS, HE DID HIS BEST TO TYPE IT FROM MEMORY.

UNFORTUNATELY, HE MISSED JUST ONE LETTER....AND HIS NOTE WAS DIRECTED INSTEAD....TO AN ELDERLY PREACHER'S WIFE WHOSE HUSBAND HAD PASSED AWAY JUST THE DAY BEFORE.

WHEN THE GRIEVING WIDOW CHECKED HER E-MAIL, SHE TOOK ONE LOOK AT THE MONITOR, LET OUT A PIERCING SCREAM, AND FELL TO THE FLOOR IN A DEAD FAINT...AT THE SOUND, HER FAMILY RUSHED INTO THE ROOM AND SAW THIS MESSAGE ON THE SCREEN:

DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE!

smash


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #3657 10/26/01 02:28 PM
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,100
embie Offline OP
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This one is a little rough, but still LOTS of truth to it... <img src="tongue.gif" border="0" alt="" />

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks,
moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna.

Drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. smash

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't
left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by
lightning. frown


When I don't measure up to much in this life, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ.
Re: A little levity #3658 10/26/01 04:46 PM
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 441
D
delight Offline

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OMG!!!!! ROFLOL!!!! The funniest part is that some of it is all too true! Unfortunately.


But as for this part...

"And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by
lightning. We have nothing to lose."

I REBUKE THIS STATEMENT IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!!! laugh


Lisa

"Step boldly forward and take delight in how far you can go." Ralph Marston
Re: A little levity #3659 10/26/01 06:33 PM
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,100
embie Offline OP
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Amen and Amen... laugh


When I don't measure up to much in this life, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ.
Re: A little levity #3660 10/27/01 12:17 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 7,045
Steve Offline
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Terrorist Warning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.


ouch that hurt me!!


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
Re: A little levity #3661 10/28/01 05:32 PM
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 683
A
aleina Offline

under construction
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Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 683
Steve, you forgot Trash Bin Stinking... *ducks*

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
- Da-ad....
- What?
- I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?
- No. You had your chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later:
- Da-aaaad.....
- WHAT?
- I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??
- I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!

Five minutes later......
- Daaaa-aaaad.....
- WHAT!
- When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?
'
'
'
'
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
- Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight? The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
- I can't dear, I have to sleep in Daddy's room. A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
- The big sissy.
'
'
'
'
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said:
- Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that. Bobby looked up and replied,
- Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

[ 10-28-2001: Message edited by: aleina ]


aleina [Linked Image]
Re: A little levity #3662 10/30/01 03:49 AM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 12,104
Allen Offline
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Tom Clancy Treated Like He's Some Kind Of Terrorism Expert

WASHINGTON, DCó Tom Clancy, bestselling author of such military thrillers as The Hunt For Red October and Patriot Games, is being treated like an actual terrorism expert, having offered his opinion on Larry King Live and countless other TV shows since Sept. 11. "The Al Qaeda network is known to have operatives in at least 30 countries, including the U.S. and Great Britain," said Clancy, a former insurance broker and avid wearer of naval-warship baseball caps, during a recent Nightline. "By the way, Ted, Stephen Ambrose's The Wild Blue is a terrific read." Later that evening, Clancy appeared in a Crossfire panel on biological warfare with former CIA director John Deutch and Secretary Of State Colin Powell.


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: A little levity #3663 10/30/01 11:36 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 3,246
anangelsarms Offline
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HEHE Y'ALL GIVE UP SOME MORE OF THOSE, I HAVE BEEN PASSING THEM ON AT THE OFFICE. THINGS HAVE BEEN TENSE AND THEY ARE A GREAT HELP!


-hanging in there- Jenna Clark
Re: A little levity #3664 11/02/01 06:37 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 7,045
Steve Offline
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The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer
and alcohol bottles, such as:

1.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

2.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a complete idiot.

3.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

6.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.

7.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

8.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

9.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

10.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

11.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

12.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.


"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of HIS.
www.Real-Men.net
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