I like embie's better!

Finding The Lord

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am." The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not!" said the drunk again. Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??" The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


tee hee!

Love that one Steve

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

This very old couple were concerned because they were becoming quite forgetful so they decided to see a doctor to relieve their anxieties.

The doctor explained that they were just aging and it was time that they began to write everything down.

So the couple agreed and left the office feeling better. As they were settling down in front of the tv, the wife told her husband that she was hungry and wanted some ice cream. He said he would get it for her and she told him he should write it down. He looked at her with a smirk and said, it's ice cream, I don't need to write that down. Oh, she said..but I want hot fudge on it...write it down. Getting annoyed, he says, I've got it...ice cream with hot fudge. Oh, but I want nuts and whipped cream and a cherry...you must write all of that down. Really angry now, he repeats the order word for word and storms out of the room. Time passes and more time passes and then finally he comes back with her snack. He hands her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon and a glass of juice. She looks at him totally triumphant and says... "You forgot my toast!"

edited by request...

[ 10-18-2001: Message edited by: embie ]

embie, no offense but can you edit your post above? Whoever wrote that stuff got the facts all wrong...... so its not even funny......

aleina

It was a spoof on American televison and not supposed to be factual. Sorry for the misunderstanding. <img src="smile.gif" border="0" alt="" />

<img src="tongue.gif" border="0" alt="" />

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, Arial">Originally posted by embie:
<strong>sorry if I offended you aleina, I would never do that intentionally

It's just that I dont think this is the place to spread that kind of... stuff...

aleina

easy tiger...back away from the edge embie...back away from the edge....try thinking about pigs.

OMG.... one can only dream...


Tsk Tsk Tsk... such a waste

huh?????????? <img src="confused.gif" border="0" alt="" />

sorry... just had to "correct" a youngster about his "inside joke"... <img src="eek.gif" border="0" alt="" />

didn't mean to disrupt the thread

How to Talk to Your Spouse

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that bathrobe.

Thanks for the belly laugh, Steve! I needed that!!!

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House", in French, is feminine - "la maison"
"Pencil", in French, is masculine - "le crayon".

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her older French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether
"computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should
definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their
internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but they are still
clueless;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have
gotten a better model.

The women won.

Kids on Marriage...

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that
you like sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way
before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
person FOREVER!!! by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a
fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN
COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING
SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would
call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote
about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then
you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T
GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-Kevin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if
she looks like a truck.
-Ricky, age 10

I think Ricky will have a very happy marriage

Love all of those embie and steve

here's one pretty funny:

http://www.madblast.com/oska/bin.cfm

ROFLOLOLOL that IS hilarious!

Honesty now...how many of you started to dance to it??? I did and it was a blast!!!
Those mouths and bongos reminded me of Conan O'Brien... OMG he is hysterical!!!

[ 10-20-2001: Message edited by: embie ]

Yeah... powell and bush were the funniest parts