i , too had a false image of what marriage would be like. caught up in the fantasy of it, then i got annulment. we were wrong for each other. when folks go to get a license, they should ask if youve had m. counseling before they accept the fee. wish someone woulda talked me out of it. even my ex. we were both insecure and married for fantasy instead of reality of it. maybe it was good that i had no kids, would ve made it harder to separate. but a kid would also have been something good from it also. its all about perspective and mine was blurry at the time. we were cautious, but things could still happen . was not in God's plan!

I guess I just don't get it. Children need constant attention and praise, "adults" shouldn't need it like that. Tell him to grow up. Sounds like unless you comply by complimenting exuberantly you can count on heated discussions pretty regularly. Kids throw tantrums to get what the want, pretty lame when a parent is setting that example for them. Anyone who needs/dmenads this kind/amount of props will never get enough. It's his own perception of himself that is causing his need for others to TRY making him beleive otherwise. Probably not what you want but it's all I have.

In any interpersonal relationship the one thing we can never do anything about is the other persons insecurity. If you did put on a big display of "good job" it would only feed his insecurity and the demands he makes on others to make him feel better for the moment. He's not going to buy it anyhow. It's his job to make it more meaningful and dimensional. By then he shouldn't be as needy.

ITS GOOD TO HEAR A MAN'S OPINION ON THESE TOPICS, I agree with UKC, seems like the husband is feeding off your emotions, espec guilt. was he always a spoiled brat? have an uncle who is same way. when he is not taking anxiety meds, he gets mean. and my uncle already has a violent nature to start with, into trading guns and knives. [always been this way]. michelle, your man may need to see a doc. have him checked for imbalance or even brain tumor, not to scare. just to rule it out. tumors cause change in behavior, moods too. as does imbalance. is he paranoid too, that is also a sign.

I feel the same way, UKC. I really do. I understand that it's his low self esteem that causes him to act this way. But you are also right about the fact that if I do not comply, we are sure to have heated discussions. Especially when he is stressed.

Yes, he has always had a low self esteem...and until recently, he fed his low self esteem by having multiple women to feed his ego...

Now that he is monogomous, he counts on me only to help him feel "worth it". And the biggest problem is that he KNOWS the answer. He knows that the only way to raise his self worth is to find it in God. He admits that he depends on me for too much instead of depending on God.

But he asks that I try anyway to at least make him feel like I care.

If I didn't care, I wouldn't BE here...

But apparently, that's not enough. And I'm okay with that. I have God's promise that He who started a good work in me (and my husband) will be faithful to complete it...and that no weapon formed against us will prosper...and that what the enemy wanted to use to destroy us will work for the Glory of God. I KNOW all this. I stand on it. I believe it. But it is hard.

We are both trying...but we don't get into the Word nearly enough. We don't make time for it. I think maybe I'm answering my own question.

The root problem here is a lack of dependancy on God...and it's not just him...it's me. He doesn't depend on God to complete him. He depends on me. And I let him. I don't depend on God to complete him. I try to do it myself, and as long as I do, I will always fail.

But in the process of deepening our dependance on God, what do I do? I can't just tell him to grow up.

Seriously, UKC...if you were really angry and your wife told you just to grow up and get over it....well, would it really help you to just snap out of it and grow up and get over it? In the midst of your anger? Maybe you are strong enough to do that, but my husband isn't there yet. How do we get there?

Michelle, You are probably right on target when you say that you are probably answering your own question. In the end, we all do.

About your last paragraph. I hear and understand what you are saying and wondering here. It's really rather sad for anyone to be in this place.

In all honestly, immediately, NO it wouldn't help me just snap out of it and grow up. In fact, since a nerve would be touched I may become more angry. That's a major problem for humans in general I think. We're probably smart enough to know what we are hearing isn't what we want but what we need to hear. It's easier to lash out at someone than affect change in ourself. When I'm angry personally, I clam up. I didn't used to and like many people lashed out at the messenger and said things I regretted, even as they were coming out of my mouth. But, after being dumb enough to do this more than once, and then having the guilt about what I'd just said to deal with too, I learned at least to keep my big mouth shut until I was able to speak as a rational adult. The clamming up was good in many ways. Instead of making noises that interfered with God speaking, I could hear. I could go inside and look at the things He knew I needed to understand and take responsibility for. It took time but eventually I did know that it was my problem, my fault, my job to make it different and better with the many tools God puts on this earth to help us effect change. It doesn't happen overnight and if it does it probably won't take hold and the next time is just around the corner.

The only strength I have comes from God. In a sense, I am a strong person and hear it from time to time from others. I guess the way I would define/explain it, is it being a hard earned gift from God. He gave the tools and showed me the way, but if I didn't use them and work on it nothing would have changed.

I honestly do understand, I've been your husband. Occasionally, I still am. The seemingly trite sayings like, begin with baby steps, you must walk before you can run, one day at a time, the first day of the... are actually so. But the anger and pain that get a person to this place didn't happen overnight and change won't either. Some, never do. But, in the meantime, IT IS NOT an excuse for abusing others. IT SHOULD NOT, be allowed as an emotional blackmail to get what is wanted. IT CERTAINLY SHOULD NOT be the model for children to perpetuate (they do become their parents). IT'S NOT A CHRISTIAN VALUE.

PLEASE go by the book ,"the Language of Love" Gary smalley author). It is a well written and right-on -the-money book about how to communicate your true feelings in all situations with stories that pull on our emotions. we guys, are logical not emotional creatures so we tend to see logic not emotions. this book will open your eyes to a new and effective way to communicate with your man. when you can make a pint about how you feel and your husband heres the words AND gets the picture with an emotional story behind it he understands, change is much easier and the task becomes his not yours. please get it and read it....it is good for all relationships , especially marriage.
nabster

Thanks men. good advice. we can all learn from this book and comments. need God first to be whole, man second. otherwise will always find fault in others. and they you. people cant make you whole, complete you without God. learned that the hard way. God is merciful. just rest in HIM! not to sound trite. not my style anyhoo. take care!

thanks, nab. i'll get it this week.

would LIFEWAY have it LOCALLY or just online?

Here's a problem, my problem, help please, it is our greatest hurdle and I am going bananas. We are really driving each other nuts and frankly, I cant' take it. Something has to "give". Here comes the weekend, my husband works all week and wants to sit on his fanny and enjoy his weekend and I agree, time for relaxing is the weekends, with us, enjoying his house he has worked for etc etc. BUUUT, there are tons of things that cant get done through the week that I am lookign fwd to getting done on sat and sunday and i have to pull teeth to get any of it done. Scenerio:

7 am, kids wake up, i wake up, play with them in bed. husband turns over and wants to go back to sleep, so i get them out of bed and make breakfast and coffee, which seems to start the day right .. right ? well we attempt to sit in bed and watch some tv show husband wants to watch (hard to do with a 7 month old and a 2 yr old)until about 10 when i say "when are we goign to get going?" husband replies "one more hour" so we fart around for another hour, bringing it to around 11, 11:30. time for the kids' naps. now they are all out of sync 'cuase they havent been able to play and be active, so they are impossible to get down to sleep. so goes by two more hours, making it around 1 or 2. okay, so we give up on naps, feed them what they will eat after being restless and in cranky moods and we get dressed and get in the car. husband doesnt want to do any of the things we have to do, so we drive aimlessly until HE makes the decision on where to go finally. we make a trip to the washeteria. for $3 we wash our comfortor that i dont want to spend 20 bucks on cleaning, so we drive to the "hood" and wash it. husband is really nervous in that atmosphere so we walk down to the dollar store until the blanket is done. i find tons of stuff we need there and have on our list to get at the regular grocery store for much less and i have to "ask" if we can get it. okay, so we leave with 3 bottles of soap and some bows for my daughter, passing up several items because he didnt like the "look" of the store, regardeless of the items quality. we finish our comforter and he decides not to dry it beacause he is ready to go and is uncomfortable. i agree because, after all, it is money saved and time, and shoot, it might have shrunk. okay, on to the store. Sam's .. oh no .. money to spend. we start out and about 50 feet into the store i hear from behind me "are we just going to walk around aimlessly?" i am unfamiliar with this sam's and so i hand him the list. we start out with paper towels. i get " i dont see why we have to buy 8000 paper towels" .. okay, i ignore and then move on to diapers "diapers ...? again?" (i say nothing, for fear of really being rude) and we continue to try to seek out samples to make him happy. well, see, he is changing his diet so we all are. i have to buy things to cook healthily, instead of your typical frozen foods that the kids eat. i am okay with this, cause i love to cook and appreciate the good change we all are enjoying. well, the kids still have to eat, which means one eating baby food/cereal and the other what 2 year olds will eat. this changes a lot. so we end up leaving with the main things on our list we can buy in bulk and nothing extra. we still need to go to wakmart or a smaller store to complete the list, cause see, my parents are coming this weekend and i havent cooked for our family in three days, so i have lots to get. well, it is raining and so we dont go. by now, our 2 year old is screaming and without a nap so we go home. it is roughly 4:30. my husband sits in the car and *****es becasue we have spent money every weekend since we moved into the new house for groceries and incidentals, not remembering me purposefully using and cookign everything we could so we didnt have much to move last month in cluding the dry goods. i hear about it for 10 miles. we dont get anything else done. my husband unloads the car at home, the kids are exhausted and i am ready to get at least some cleaning done. i cant. my husband wants me to SIT next to him on the couch and watch "his sunday night show". so the kids get fed intermidantly and i sit .. and sit and sit .. i cant get online cause this always causes an issue, so about 8 we put the 2 year old to sleep and i put the baby to sleep . after 2 or 3 hours of tv, i ASK if i can bathe. i am asked "where" and "for how long" ? i go downstairs, bathe, dont shave my legs, and relax in a body of water for the first time in three days, see my husband things i should bathe through the day, not when he gets home. so i come upstairs, sit down and ask what time is it, i am tired, it is 9:30. he is holding our son who is peacefully sleeping, he asks "are you going to take him?" which wakes him up. i put him to sleep, simultaneously runing downstairs to comfort my 2 year old who is trying to sleep but is so tired she wakes up disoriented. i am tired, and then ... (icing on the cake), someone wants ahhhem ... "love" ... this doesnt happen. enough on that. i finally fall asleep, feeding our sone about 11. we didnt attend church and we only got half of what we needed. the next day, i start at 7 and i am becoming bitter. is there something i am missing ? where is my control ? where is the line ? how can we comprimise .... i have been beating this dead horse of me wanting to be productive and him havign other plans and me losing .. this dead horse for three years. i am becoming hostile and the way i talk to him is ugly most of the time. my daughter says " mommy's very angry" although i am only trying to keep it inside thru the day, but when he calls, i hear about money and groceries and money again. i dont get my hair cut (last time, october),i havent had a pedicure in about two years, no tanning, no jewelry and no clothes since maternity clothes TWICE during both pregnancies. i dont ask for toys, gifts, the only thing i long for are books, which i have to ask for and get when i really ask for it. the kids dont get new clothes and i dont go out with friends. i have had TWO times ever that i have left the house for me time without the kids and i dont ask for it. i miss my sister who is living down the road but i never see, and i wish i could talk on teh phone when he is home or on weekends, but i dont .. okay, this has to be the longest post i have ever done, so i will breathe a minute and wait to see if this is making any sense.

Hey. I don't have a whole lot of time...my husband is on the way home from work, and he doesn't care for me being on line either. I just want to say I can relate, and I'd love to talk to you about how I handle it...it'll be okay. Know that doesn't help much, but I'll come back when I have more time.

i will be waiting for help ... for now, i am better now that i used the time to write to calm down. i am all ears ....all ears.

does this husband spent time online too? You can check history, see what pops up or not. hopefully nothing. and for you, can use internet options under tools, clear your online history if you ever need to.

Unfortuneately in a nonsensicle way it makes sense. By that I mean, it's nonsense. You and the children shouldn't have to live this way. It's wrong! I've included the quote so I can refer to it to makes some comments/observations.

Depending on just how fundamentalist a christian he is and wanting to keep the Sabbath a Holy Day, he'll just have to help you accomplish chores during the week after he gets home from work. Men all over the country probably the world do. Wives/mothers don't put in eight hours and stop for the day. Why should husbands/fathers? Of course Saturday isn't exempt unless he considers it the Sabbath.

About you the kiddos and tv in the bedroom. Just my opinion but the bedroom should be a retreat and quiet place to pray, meditate, rest, read, sleep and be close with loved ones. A TV really has no place in that room although we all do it. Knowing his ways, unless it's the only room with a TV going in with the kids and disturbing him is counter productive. It would PO me too. Are you sure this isn't out of spite? Do you suppose it will change anything or just aggrevate the situation?

May I suggest, especially that early, using another room, keeping it as quiet and calm as possible or going out somewhere with the kids. If allowed undisturbed sleep/rest he may be more willing to leave the bed sooner. Then the day could begin earlier for all. The kids could tire themselves out and be ready for a nap when the two of you cluld relax and enjoy each other. Another question, if the kids get on you well, the older one, about doing something and is relentless in the effort, does it ever get them what they want sooner or perhaps at all? If they nag you, don't you sort of want to show them who's boss and make them wait? I OF COURSE NEVER REALLY EXPECT/WANT ANSWERS I just hope to provoke thought.

Are there no better areas with a laundromat? Do you suppose ithere was and you went to one it would actually matter? Under diress, I suspect he wouldn't be happy doing it anywhere since he doesn't want to be doing anything. It may make a small difference though.

The rest of it seems pretty cut and dry to me. It's control and abuse. It's a way of him puffing himself up and deflating you. It's wrong and sick. My mother lived with your husband for 57 miserable years before dying. He even did what he could to control that and rob her of the dignity she fought so hard to maintain. Your children will become him and you in their future relationships. It needs to stop. Having first read the page ahead of this post then back tracking the things that can be done when hubby's around and the things that can't be are just an extension of the control and abuse. Sadly, the emotional and psycological abuse is possibly more damaging and longer lasting and further reaching than the physical kind. I hope none of the fine ladies here are expereiencing that too.

I know that particularly because this is a religious site, praying and fasting, and trusting in and waiting on God and wanting to do his will not yours is what is preached and practiced. That's all well and good. But I once again go back to God helps those that help themselves. It seems some of the ladies are already beaten down. They don't want things the way they are but do little to change their situation. Throwing the submitting wife thing out of it and the just mentioned religious/christian way out, I think a question needs to be asked. What is the biggest reason women (chritain or not) let things be the way they are? It's that answer I suspect that allows these husband/fathers to contiue bullying and battering. You don't have to hit a person to batter them. I suspect it's their power as the money man and authority figure that sets them up to be able to do these things. I'd ask the ladies to look at their past. Is this the way it is/was with mom and grandma and maybe aunt Sally? Have you become them? Was dad a lot like hubby?

None of this will earn me any popularity but if it is of any help to any reader here, that's cool. I ain't in a popularity contest anyhow. Unfortuneatly some of this male behavior seems to be God given and a christian ethic. Very sad.

I don't suugest just giving up, I'm not suggesting there may only be one way to put a stop to it. I am asking does anyone really want a lifetime of this as my mother allowed/accetpted being a good christian lady that didn't beleive in the ending of a marriage even though it destroyed her and her kids lives? I know most definitely that change can happen, I beleive it ultimately comes from God even if he uses man as a tool to help affect that change. I also most people just get better at what they do. In fact, my dad has got so good at it, he's now destroying his own health and life. But is determined to keep doing the same things until they work. Even though they never have and never will. Men may not always be right, but they are NEVER wrong.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by anangelsarms:
Here's a problem, my problem, help please, it is our greatest hurdle and I am going bananas. We are really driving each other nuts and frankly, I cant' take it. Something has to "give". Here comes the weekend, my husband works all week and wants to sit on his fanny and enjoy his weekend and I agree, time for relaxing is the weekends, with us, enjoying his house he has worked for etc etc. BUUUT, there are tons of things that cant get done through the week that I am lookign fwd to getting done on sat and sunday and i have to pull teeth to get any of it done. Scenerio:

7 am, kids wake up, i wake up, play with them in bed. husband turns over and wants to go back to sleep, so i get them out of bed and make breakfast and coffee, which seems to start the day right .. right ? well we attempt to sit in bed and watch some tv show husband wants to watch (hard to do with a 7 month old and a 2 yr old)until about 10 when i say "when are we goign to get going?" husband replies "one more hour" so we fart around for another hour, bringing it to around 11, 11:30. time for the kids' naps. now they are all out of sync 'cuase they havent been able to play and be active, so they are impossible to get down to sleep. so goes by two more hours, making it around 1 or 2. okay, so we give up on naps, feed them what they will eat after being restless and in cranky moods and we get dressed and get in the car. husband doesnt want to do any of the things we have to do, so we drive aimlessly until HE makes the decision on where to go finally. we make a trip to the washeteria. for $3 we wash our comfortor that i dont want to spend 20 bucks on cleaning, so we drive to the "hood" and wash it. husband is really nervous in that atmosphere so we walk down to the dollar store until the blanket is done. i find tons of stuff we need there and have on our list to get at the regular grocery store for much less and i have to "ask" if we can get it. okay, so we leave with 3 bottles of soap and some bows for my daughter, passing up several items because he didnt like the "look" of the store, regardeless of the items quality. we finish our comforter and he decides not to dry it beacause he is ready to go and is uncomfortable. i agree because, after all, it is money saved and time, and shoot, it might have shrunk. okay, on to the store. Sam's .. oh no .. money to spend. we start out and about 50 feet into the store i hear from behind me "are we just going to walk around aimlessly?" i am unfamiliar with this sam's and so i hand him the list. we start out with paper towels. i get " i dont see why we have to buy 8000 paper towels" .. okay, i ignore and then move on to diapers "diapers ...? again?" (i say nothing, for fear of really being rude) and we continue to try to seek out samples to make him happy. well, see, he is changing his diet so we all are. i have to buy things to cook healthily, instead of your typical frozen foods that the kids eat. i am okay with this, cause i love to cook and appreciate the good change we all are enjoying. well, the kids still have to eat, which means one eating baby food/cereal and the other what 2 year olds will eat. this changes a lot. so we end up leaving with the main things on our list we can buy in bulk and nothing extra. we still need to go to wakmart or a smaller store to complete the list, cause see, my parents are coming this weekend and i havent cooked for our family in three days, so i have lots to get. well, it is raining and so we dont go. by now, our 2 year old is screaming and without a nap so we go home. it is roughly 4:30. my husband sits in the car and *****es becasue we have spent money every weekend since we moved into the new house for groceries and incidentals, not remembering me purposefully using and cookign everything we could so we didnt have much to move last month in cluding the dry goods. i hear about it for 10 miles. we dont get anything else done. my husband unloads the car at home, the kids are exhausted and i am ready to get at least some cleaning done. i cant. my husband wants me to SIT next to him on the couch and watch "his sunday night show". so the kids get fed intermidantly and i sit .. and sit and sit .. i cant get online cause this always causes an issue, so about 8 we put the 2 year old to sleep and i put the baby to sleep . after 2 or 3 hours of tv, i ASK if i can bathe. i am asked "where" and "for how long" ? i go downstairs, bathe, dont shave my legs, and relax in a body of water for the first time in three days, see my husband things i should bathe through the day, not when he gets home. so i come upstairs, sit down and ask what time is it, i am tired, it is 9:30. he is holding our son who is peacefully sleeping, he asks "are you going to take him?" which wakes him up. i put him to sleep, simultaneously runing downstairs to comfort my 2 year old who is trying to sleep but is so tired she wakes up disoriented. i am tired, and then ... (icing on the cake), someone wants ahhhem ... "love" ... this doesnt happen. enough on that. i finally fall asleep, feeding our sone about 11. we didnt attend church and we only got half of what we needed. the next day, i start at 7 and i am becoming bitter. is there something i am missing ? where is my control ? where is the line ? how can we comprimise .... i have been beating this dead horse of me wanting to be productive and him havign other plans and me losing .. this dead horse for three years. i am becoming hostile and the way i talk to him is ugly most of the time. my daughter says " mommy's very angry" although i am only trying to keep it inside thru the day, but when he calls, i hear about money and groceries and money again. i dont get my hair cut (last time, october),i havent had a pedicure in about two years, no tanning, no jewelry and no clothes since maternity clothes TWICE during both pregnancies. i dont ask for toys, gifts, the only thing i long for are books, which i have to ask for and get when i really ask for it. the kids dont get new clothes and i dont go out with friends. i have had TWO times ever that i have left the house for me time without the kids and i dont ask for it. i miss my sister who is living down the road but i never see, and i wish i could talk on teh phone when he is home or on weekends, but i dont .. okay, this has to be the longest post i have ever done, so i will breathe a minute and wait to see if this is making any sense. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">

Ukc makes a valid point about other forms of abuse besides physical. ive dated a control freak before. emotional abuse is worse than outside scars. sounds like he has issues outside home that are not about you, but his own needs. things wont make anyone a whole person. you need to treat yourself while he is at work, have someone help during day with kids, can you see your sister when he is out? If so, take advantage! IT MAY HELP your sanity and his at end of day. has he had any drug abuse before? It can effect you later in life, paranoia is one symptom of anyone who has done lsd , even in their youth. could be a brain tumor, diabetes also causes mood swings! NO DOUBT. hope this helps. the stress of moving can be temporary. but in meantime, he needs a check up asap!

counseling......
date night out...............
find a sitter for YOU(mothers day out)
budget you both agree on("Financial PEace" book)

Try this once...when kids cry...dont get up....
make him. just tell him you have had it, and cant do it and dont get up.....he will and it will be the beginning of understanding, hopefully on his part. your kids will be okay.
Make a schedule that is reasonable....you get up mon.wed, fri, him on tues , thurs, sat. or on weekends, him evry other...
You cant go on like you are and you should seek some help as a couple. It is time you both understand how the other is feeling in order to make some changes.
I will be praying. in the meantime, remember when thekids are crying and you've had enough, there are many mothers who would gladly trade places with you....becasue they have lost their own......
hang in there

Okay, I agree with alot of what you guys have said. It is a control issue. It's not only mental and psychological and emotional abuse, but it is physical as well. Your body can only handle so much before it gives in like mine did. Some women get physically sick. Some have mental breakdowns...but the bottom line is that you can only handle so much.

Having said that, though, I will say that you have to be really careful. We aren't able to whip our husbands into shape. Snap our fingers and say "Stop it. Look what you are doing to me" or "this isn't right" or "Why don't YOU try doing my job for a while"...

It doesn't work that way. I know from experience. I've tried. I have a VERY controlling husband. If you look up the term control freak in a psychology textbook, my husband's picture is right below the text. And you try to tell a control freak what to do, or worse, force him to do something because you refuse??? Whoa, man. You are gonna back him into a corner. And when you back a control freak into a corner, he's worse than a rabid mother dog protecting her young. He's fighting for his control, and he will do and say anything, and I mean ANYTHING to win. He will call you names, say hateful things, threaten divorce, tell you how awful you are and all the ugly awful things that he can pull out of his you know what...he'll pull it.

You don't just force him into things that he does not want to be forced into, or he will retaliate...is this accurate, jen? Or am I just pulling this stuff out of the air?

I do agree with your suggestions about date night and prayer prayer prayer...and yes, looking at your husband's past helps to determine why he may be the way he is...but then you have to move forward. You married this man, and whether he was the man you were "supposed to marry" or not is irrelevant now. You took the vows in the sight of God, and the Bible says that infidelity is the only real reason for divorce unless you have an unbelieving spouse who leaves you. Then you are under no obligation to pursue him/her and try to get them back. But if you are both believers, then you both have the obligation to hold to your vows no matter how hard it gets. So focusing too much on the past is going to get you stuck in a rut. Yes, explore the past for reasons as to why he may act this way, but then move forward to make a future for yourselves and your children.


So...I have learned a bit over the short time that I have been married...and I've overcome a few of the control battles one by one. There are still many more to go, and there will probably always be a few, but you have to learn to pick your battles. You can't fight them all at the same time. Pick the one that bothers you most, and start with that one. Often you will find that when you get rid of a few of the big issues, the smaller ones become a little easier to handle, and you realise that this is a part of who this person that you married is...that just as you have personality flaws, he does too. He'll never be perfect, but he can get better. Better is good, right?

I'm not gonna tell you which battles to pick, but I'll just tell you what has worked for me, and you can figure out what will work for you.

You mentioned that he has to okay all of the purchases? Well, to me, that's not even really an issue that bothers me. Even when I still worked, I spent little to no money without his consent. I made a grocery list, let him check over it, add to or take away from whatever, and I went and bought it. Not a big deal...he is the major breadwinner, and now that I am not bringing in any income at all, I don't think it's too much him to ask that I not spend any of the money that he worked so hard for without consulting him first.

It is his hard work that made it possible for me to be home with my kids and leave the stress of my job, so why sweat the small stuff? As long as I have what I need to eat, have clothes, have heat and air, water...that's pretty much all I need.

As far as clothing. I have not bought many new clothing items either. BUT he LOVES...and I mean LOVES going to large thrift stores like Goodwill Superstore in Austin, San Antonio, Houston...pretty much anytime we go on a trip, we go into a thrift store. He actually has fun picking out name brand clothing that looks new and paying 75 cents. I don't know how you feel about stuff like that, but I've actually found it to be fun...and I don't care. Who am I dressing up for if not for him anyway? I've found brand new clothes with tags still on them...and he feels like he's getting a deal. Guys like to feel like they're getting a bargain...why? I dunno...but they just do. So I humor him.

As far as spending time with him while he's watching TV...I've learned to do stuff that doesn't require alot of movement while he's watching TV. Laundry, for example. While he's gone during the day, I wash all the laundry but don't fold it. I do the stuff around the house that requires leaving the room...and leave the sit-down stuff for when he gets home.

So when he's watching TV, I can fold socks and still sit right beside him and "enjoy" the show with him, and he feels like I'm not neglecting him. During commercials, I put the laundry away or start another load. During football games, I've actually dressed as a cheerleader just to make him feel like I'm really into it. It ends up being fun even if the idea of it seems a little dumb...makes him happy, and when he's happy, I'm happy.

Computer, I don't mind giving up when he's home. It has caused a few "discussions" between us, and he is more important to me than even the people at this site, and that is how it should be. Phone conversations with other people are limited to when he's not around or when he's busy...or sleeping. I'm okay with that. I don't mind.

As far as the whole controlling all your time when he is there...bathing when he's not...not a problem for me, really. I don't care. But I did try something that worked on the days that I didn't get a chance (and now he doesn't really seem to care when I shower)...I asked him if I could shower with him. Yup. Hey, do you want me to wash your back while you're in the shower? Or slip him a little "coupon" during the day for a free back scrub or foot scrub or SOMETHING. He probably won't say, "NO. We can't shower together. Gross. You're a girl. You're not supposed to see me naked." Yes, it cuts down on the privacy a little, but if it brings you closer together and makes him more secure, it will help you in the long run.

They key is to make him FEEL like his needs are at the top of your list. Sometimes that means sacrificing until you don't think you can sacrifice any more. It's easier said than done. I've wanted to throw in the towel a few times...but it's just like college. You put in all these crazy hours of school working full time and raising kids (people actually do it) as an investment in your future. Things get easier later in life when you work hard to make good investments now...

When I started to compromise or even give in on the little stuff like that, I found that he was a little more willing to compromise on stuff too.

A few other things that helped...definitely date night as nabster said. Find someone...anyone to watch your kids. Find a couple at your church that is in a similar situation, and volunteer to watch their kids one night so they can go out if they will watch yours once a week.

If you can't get someone to watch the kids, wait till they are asleep. Play a card game a board game...whatever. Fix him a really cool desert and eat it by candle light. Turn on some relaxing music, dim the lights, light the candles, break out some scented oil and set up a "massage therapy" room for him. Give him a rub down. He'll probably want to reciprocate another time when you're not expecting it.

Take the kids to the park on the weekend. Get out somewhere inexpensive and DO something together.

Put a worship CD in when you wake up in the morning. It will help both of your attitudes.

Pray with each other. If he's uncomfortable with that, try getting him to pray with you and the kids. If he won't do that, pray for him. Out loud. If he won't let you do that, pray for him secretly. Prayer works.

Read scripture with him. Put little scriptures (of encouragement, not preachy ones) up all over the place. On the mirror, on the TV...memorize a scripture together once a month if he will.

These are all things that started bringing us closer together and have brought us from where we were to where we are...


I've got a lot more, but not alot of time. Hope something, anything helps.

awesome plan michelle, I also love thrift stores. even when id have more to spend. i just like to stretch that dollar. if youre working too, should not have to answer. anyway. maybe lock your door at night so kids cant wake you up. can use a monitor to hear what their up to without getting up. i believe marriage goes in this order, God first, hubby then the kids. after you. if both are happy together, kids feed off positive energy in the home. same goes for any negative vibes. any way to train oldest to care for the baby? GOT MY PRAYERS ANGEL!

Nice answers everyone. As a husband, I would merely ask how he's got you to accept sitting around watching TV as acceptable behavior. I'd love to do nothing, but I'm a dad - not just a bread-winner. If he wouldn't rather spend time with the kids then you should tell he's wrong and tell him to get off his duff.

I don't mean to sound sexist or anything, but most women put up with far too much laziness/inappropriateness/rudeness from men. It's important to remember that man was created first but God's creation was fully perfected in women. Men are like water and will often take the path of least resistance. If you allow him to do nothing - don't be surprised if he does nothing.

good answer JOEL33. [;