Ah, to be married. To have exchanged eternal vows with your soul mate...the one and only person with whom you will gaze lovingly into each others eyes every day for the rest of your natural life and float away together in marital bliss on a cloud of...smoke from the oven because you left the chicken in too long -- HIS FAULT, of course -- because he called you into the other room to ask you why in heaven's name would you have put the extra bullets for his hunting rifle in the attic where the temperature reaches greater heights than that of the wax that just spilled on the new dresser because the twelve year old will NOT stop playing with candles; that's okay, though, because he is now being repremanded by the six year old who thinks that she is sixteen as she scolds him with a tube of my lipstic in one hand and a Barbie phone in the other and I have trouble figuring out that it's not the Barbie phone that is ringing, but actually its the portable under the couch cushion that I tear apart only to wish I hadn't because on the other end of the line is Kareem who would like to know if I'm an authorized signed user on my husband's accout, but I can't answer him because I'm distracted by the loud, "HONEY...the chicken!" from the kitchen where I inadvertently set the phone in the pot holder drawer leaving Kazeem or Kareem or whoever to chat with the kitchen linens until the next time I hear the Barbie phone at 11:52pm on a school night, trip over the green size 11 house slippers on the way out of the bedroom, repremand the six year old for the fact that her dad left his slippers in my way, confiscate her Barbie phone after listening to the dial tone on my portable (now kitchen-ware educated) phone for a while almost wishing it was Kaleem, Kazeem, Kareem...so that I could tell him that it is not fair to leave the seat up in the middle of the night -- daytime is okay, but come on...I didn't have a fighting chance in the dark...So, with a bruise on my knee from the trip over the slippers and a chill from the unexpected plunge into the commode, a blister from the foolhearty idea of cleaning the wax while it's still hot before it ruins the stain, a slight case of heartburn from the carbon-flavored chicken, and the third song from the Barbie Nutcracker performed by the entire cast of Yu-gi-oh characters running through my head, I limp to the bedroom and fall into bed...and just before I get comfortable, he rolls over in his sleep, throws his arm over my face and cuddles my head like a teddy bear. As I struggle for air, I lay still not wanting to wake him because I know he's just as tired as I am, and I thank God for all the days just like today and pray for many more to come.

I looked for a thread with this topic, but I didn't see one. I know there are at least a few of us who've tied the knot...most of us recently. Just wanted to start a little discussion about common marraige issues. I'm not talking about seat up? seat down? stuff either. I realized a long time ago (and I haven't even been married for that long) that if you fight over stuff like whether the toilet seat stays up or down or the toothpaste tube is rolled forward or backwards...you're probably not discussing the real issues.

Guess I'll start with communication. I'm a poor communicator. That doesn't mean I don't talk alot, but it's what I say or don't say in my marraige that tends to cause big *ahem* "discussions" over something stupid and little. My big problem is timing. When he's allready aggitated is not a good time to say anything negative. But sometimes if I don't say it when I'm thinking it, it never gets said. Sometimes that's good, sometimes not because sometimes it becomes an unresolved issue which can be bad for communication later on because I'm still hurt or ticked about that thing he did and he's doing it AGAIN and now I'm double ticked, but he's in a bad mood now, so I can't TELL him I'm ticked. Any hints on timing? Good approaches? Or any other issues?

Man would i love for my sister Michelle to read that right now! hehe

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by foreverchanged:
Guess I'll start with communication. I'm a poor communicator. That doesn't mean I don't talk alot, but it's what I say or don't say in my marraige that tends to cause big *ahem* "discussions" over something stupid and little. My big problem is timing. When he's allready aggitated is not a good time to say anything negative. But sometimes if I don't say it when I'm thinking it, it never gets said. Sometimes that's good, sometimes not because sometimes it becomes an unresolved issue which can be bad for communication later on because I'm still hurt or ticked about that thing he did and he's doing it AGAIN and now I'm double ticked, but he's in a bad mood now, so I can't TELL him I'm ticked. Any hints on timing? Good approaches? Or any other issues? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Well girl...I aint married and I aint looking to be any time soon...I cant wait for miss Right but in the mean time i dont mind the wrong ones...J/K... But one thing i have learned about my relationships in the past is that communication is everything...You cant just hold in your frustrations and say oh well if they dont get said then thats just that...aside from insults i mean....your view needs to be shared.... Hollering or being so emotional you just dont listen to the other person or they dont listen to you never works...you have to be open from both ends....sit down, and calmly talk it out...i know you dont want to at first but it seriously helps...you may sit down mad...But if you remain calm and discuss with out hurting the other person or they hurting you...(emotional wise) I promise that you will get up laughing about the situation...all is all.....like i said i may not be married but at the ripe ole age of 21 i have had made some bad judgements wich lead to experience....wich lead to good judgement...Now theres a quote for yuh...LOL....
Love you Foreverchanged...
Hope all is well

Timing means you don't sit down at 1:43 to read this when the spouse is antsy to get to a 2:00 wedding of a friend

That may answer at least part of the question tho, part of a good marriage is putting the needs of your spouse ahead of your own. That probably includes thinking before speaking - "is this a good time for me to sit down at the computer?" - would have most likely been answered as a 'no' (especially since I hadn't dressed for it yet ). We were on-time for the wedding (the church is only a few minutes from here), but at the cost of her getting worked up over me waiting until the last second.

Handling 'issues' should be in private, where we can talk without the oversight of our parents, in-laws, children, friends, etc. I'm still very new at this, what has been your experience at putting this into practice?

Just a thought from an unmarried guy. Using your example Allen, doing that was selfish, inconsiderate, and with out saying it made your time/stuff more important than hers. It was arrogant. Now, before it starts sounding like that's all this is about, it isn't. The picture painted of you here tells us you aren't like that even theough the behavior was. You hit the nail on the head. YOU'RE NEW TO THIS. For a lot if years now outside of a work situation especially in yourhome YOU were the only consideration. You're aware of that and working on it. Problem is, some people never get it and don't ever give it a thought. Particularly if that's what they saw growing up in their home.

Had Melanie remained cool, calm and unaffected that would have taught you without her meaning to that that was acceptable. Until the time came that she finely lost it, you may have gone along your merry way never giving it a thought.

I totally agree with you saying that dealing with things should be done in private. Particularly if it's heated. I also see Michelles points about waiting. Waiting too long has the same affect of Melanie being blase if she had. I also agree with dealing with it while it's happening again. I understand it's different in marriage but it's not exclusive to marriage. It's really a 24/7 situation. We all are affected by it with some one at some time. In the marriage, provided children wouldn't be in danger I think the offended spouse should ask the other to come with them. Get them away from the distraction that is making you put it on hold. Stop the very behavior that is hurting you and deal with it right then. Adjust the example I gave depending on the situation. Move outside away from people, go to another room or go home. Chances are, what you are doing or where you are isn't as or more important than IT and getting IT resolved.

Haha...now is bad timing to be typing much 'cause he hates to be late for church, so I'll come back with more later...just wanted to laugh out loud a little about the expression "taking your teeth into your own hands..." Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Be back later.

A thought about that Michelle. Apparently at some point hating to rush/be late for church was an issue (it) that needed resolving to keep the peace. You, heard it, you honor it and do your best to do it. My point there is unless the other person honors and impliments the behavior(s) necessary it's a waste of time and energy. I think that's why talking at the time is pretty important or at least saying we need to discuss this later.

I heard my mom and dad do this one all 57 years of their marriage. (men are the worst offenders) Something would be happening if the moment was volitile talking was useless. Nobody was listening. (Usually) my dad. Bring it up later of the next time instead of the issue taking presidence it was the consatnt nagging (slight of hand) that took over. The problem/culprit was a lack of respect. The king of the castle, I'm the money maker, you and the kids are just another thing I own mentality. Granted it was another time (certainly before the equality movements) but it still seems to me that if you love and respect a person, you will go out of your way to please them
not just expect to be pleased. A lot of it is macho nonesense. "Get control of you woman" mentality that leaves little room for love and respect. I think it's probably especially hard when the Bible condones it. Women being submissive to their husbands isn't exactly going to inspire respecting them.

I think "selfish, inconsiderate, and arrogant" are a little strong descriptives for just not being thoughtful I told her I'd be ready in time and was, she just didn't know I could do it. Being ready before sitting down would have been the better choice

I thought so to Allen, until it was pointed out to me and I didn't want to admit it but saw that it was later on. The truth is, it was my complaint about someone else that brought it up. I didn't want to think of them that way.

alright, well, i think communication is important, yeah, but from my own experience, knowing when NOT to communicate seems more important for us. some things that in the past i would just have to discuss, i find given a little time, dont need to be hashed over. sometimes saying what is on your mind is overrated. picking your "battles" or things to "ahhem, discuss" should be chosen carefully. we talk at night when the kiddos are in bed or in the car when a movie is on. we always resolve or come o a resolve and not walk away angry. its never convenient, but i find that john will sit and talk to me and prompt a discussion more times than i will when there is something to discuss. i, as a regular female never forget what i want to say or how to say it, but sometimes letting him pick "a good time" does two things: allows him to be ready to dealw/emotions since men dont live in an emotionl state like we do, and it gives you time to refine your thought so they dont come out wrong. it works really well for us and we are only going on 3 years, but man, things are just as awesome now with 2 kiddos as they were when we were first getting to know eacj other! time sure works in your favor in a good marriage!

love the last line

it's like cheese and wine, some things just get better with age. i can't wait to see what the next 50 years bring !

I'm still trying to figure out when to talk and when to shut up. This is the beginning of year number two for me, and I'm not sure if I'm better or worse yet as far as communication skills. I understand you guys' point about saying it when the offense occurs, but jenn has a valid point there when she says that you have to learn when to say nothing at all.

In my experience, the offense of which I need to adress usually occurs when we are already adressing a different issue all together. Therefore, it's usually best to wait until the one issue is resolved before trying to tackle another one because he is usually much more receptive later than right now. But then the aforementioned problem comes into play in where I never find the right time to discuss the problem that I put off. So I guess it's trial and error here, figuring out which battles are worth picking and which ones aren't.

But then that term "battles" sounds so contradictory to marraige, doesn't it? We are unified, but yet we have our sword and shield aimed at each other rather than standing side by side...and in doing so, we give the enemy a foothold. I pray for the maturity daily that I will be able to bite my tongue and even when I'm adressing an issue that bothers me, that I would say it in such a way that it doesn't come across as a full-on offensive attack. I can have the timing of an angel, but if I come across so harshly that I sound like symbols clashing, I'm not gettin any love.

So is there ever a time when you should keep anything from your spouse? A feeling, a thought, an action...how far does it go, and where do you cross the line between being kind and being evasive and being just downright dishonest? Thoughts?

Timing is everything, but making sure you bring the issue up is just as important.
Most of the time it has to wait because we’re around friends or family and I try not to bicker around others. The challenge I have, struggle with, is bringing it back up later. I hate fighting/arguing, and try to avoid it at all possible. If we’re getting along now then what’s the point of bringing an issue back up just to argue over? Well, because after 15 years I’ve found they’re still there, issues that never got resolved, and come back up in an argument over something entirely different.
Another things is unresolved issues just add up and become so overwhelming that divorce seems like the best option.
In a Christian marriage: I believe you have to stick with it, work through each challenge as they come up and resolve those unresolved issues, and of course forgive because God forgives.
A friend of mine said if God can raise someone from the dead, then surely He can heal and restore a failed marriage. I believe it, pray it, and witness it!

Michelle actually I see all my friends keep things their spouses, especially if it has to do with money. My girlfriends keep clothes and how much they spend from their husbands and my guy friends keep things they spend on their hobbies golf, baseball, and techno stuff from their wives. I see it happen, I see the peace, and I see the challenge where it’s a gray area though. Is not disclosing dishonest? I’m not entirely sure… seems eventually the spouse finds out and it’s never that big of a deal as it could have been if it were brought up before hand. It doesn’t seem right though. Seems like whatever you tell you best friend you should be able to your spouse. We’re obviously not at that point in our marriage where we come to each other and show and tell all, though I wish that were the case.

For me, the only I keep from my husband is talking about past friends or guys from the past with family/friends. not that that is something too terrible if he found out, in fact, anything i talk about i keep in mind that if he did find out, it wouldnt hurt him. some things that i keep from him are things that would bother him, not hurt him. like when i cut my daughter's hair, i didnt tell him cause he would have freaked out, but after the fact, he was ok. and when i order books online, he actually told me that i should just do it and tell me later (he checks the bank statements and credit cards daily) so i take the liberty and dont step over the boundaries if he says no more this month. in actuality i DONT keep anything from my husband, but our communication is something that is pretty open. what kind of things are you specifically talking about michelle ??

Nothing in particular. We are pretty open in our marriage. I was actually just encouraging discussion. Just to cite an example, though...you were speaking of your past relationships. When we first started dating, he asked, I told. There have been times I wished I hadn't, because occasionally the past gets rubbed in like a bad marinade. But then there are times when I realize that it's good that he knows about the problems in my past relationships, because they have affected the person I am now to a certain extent. It would be unfair if I didn't share certain things with him, because he'd be confused thinking "why did that bother her?"

And then there are times when I didn't say something that I wish I would have. For instance, I quit smoking a while back (per his prompting). I was going through a really weak moment one day (over a year after I quit)and a co-worker offer me one of hers. I took it, but just put it in my purse and thought about it, got busy and forgot about it. I didn't say anything to him about it at all.

Did I do anything wrong? Technically, no. But it turned around and bit me in the hiney later when I brought that purse with me to Astroworld, ended up sustaining an injury on one of the rides and my husband had to give me CPR to revive me. When I was in the ER, he had to look through my purse for my ID, and he found the cigarrette. OOPS! Now I'm unconscious and his mind is going 90 to nothing. What is she hiding from me? She said she quit. How long has she been doing this behind my back? What if I had died and not been able to explain myself? He would have forever had those questions in his mind. What else did she do and not tell me?

Even though I actually didn't do anything, it really looked like I did because I kept my weak moment from him. That one incident became a trust issue in our relationship. Ouch.

But there are things that he says that he's thinking that I just say "that's ugly" or "overshare" or "too much info"... But if I say anything about it, he says "Well, are we supposed to be honest or what here? You are my best friend...I want to be comfortable telling you everything." And, I guess we should be...

Hey michelle, seeing that really helped me. Thank you!!!

I'm still trying to figure out when to talk and when to shut up.

Amen Sister!!!

We've been married 7 months and I have to weigh my words very carefully... Mark will think that I have agreed to some of these things that he never would have agreed to.

It is definitely interesting when dealing with blended families. The real problems begin when you don’t talk things through. It’s easy to walk away or close a door and brood. Life is challenging. Living that life Christ-centered is the key. And the two shall become one. It’s that meeting of the minds and the concessions we make for love’s sake that God sees and blesses. We have to be willing to be clay.

i agree. i think that i wish i hadnt told my husband about my past. see, my past is "sorted", his plainly isnt. he was married prior to our meeting, yet she was his first and only real relationship. he tends to hold it against me. espicially if i am still friends with someone from my past it didnt do us any good to talk about it, we are different and shouldnt base anything off the past. it was a mistake i cant take back. i think that trust is earned as time goes by, we dont second guess each other anymore, but john still fears the worst. we watch "desperate housewives" and he really worries that i will be decietful in the future. i dont know if it is a plauging fear of his, or something that he just wants to talk about at the time so i can aliviate his fears. no matter how many times i reassure him i dont and wont cheat, it still needs regular talking about. it doesnt bother me to go over it again and again. there are things i need constant talking about as well. each year is different in marriage, at least with us. the first year was dificult in getting to iron out the kinks, second year was busy and this year has been getting a method down and forming good common habits. each one is different.

question : i have always been a little insecure about myself physically, even when i was a "buck-o-five" and in shape. i know that guys "look" and i also know my man wont cheat, but when should it really bother you and when is it ridiculous ? should a married woman worry about her man looking at better looking women ? i usually dont, but then again we never lived anywhere women looked good. now we are in plano and frisco and they are salon,botox,day spa'd to the max! i am boxers and tshirt and makeup on a good day and think i need to get with the program. when you are married, should you just shrug and not let it get to you or should you say something ? at this point, is it important ?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">We have to be willing to be clay.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Embie, most of the time my name is mud....


Hey A3, Here is my take on "looking" I have a real issue with is from a respect standpoint. (guys or gals) there is a very clear line of seperation that starts at the point that you see a person, say in my or your hubby's case a woman, and that we decide she is pretty in one form or another. Anything after that is not right. Now that doesn't mean that you can't ask him "don't you think her hair is pretty?" and he can observe and make a comment. BUT he or I should not say to ourselves or outloud "Man she is hot" and simply keep looking because 90 to nothing the thoughts that will enter our brains are WRONG if we keep looking. The flip side works for women too.

The sin issue aside ]
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Matthew 5:27“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.' 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">There is a huge respct issue to resolve. I cannot imagine a more disrespectful thing that you could do to a loved spouse than walk through a store or some other place a gawk. To me that is really low. Honesty moment... I am male, I am a visual creation and it does happen from time to time and I have to rebuke myself. But I am on guard and my wife knows I am. It is not something that I beleive is OK and I do not think that spouses should "put up with it"


God bless!

Well, he doesnt gawk. what he does is notice them, and i say something along the lines of,"you thought she was pretty huh ?" and he agrees, and we go on. but i dont realize how "out of style" i am until i see pictures someone has taken of me recently. Man! What a frumpy chica! It is a personal insecurity thing. I know he would never pursue anyone and i know he rarely notices if a female likes him. What i want to know is when is it something that i really need to take a second look at ? i might be making it more of an issue than he even considers. i mean all men look, no biggie, but when can you tell he is looking cause i dont look good enuf to satisfied his eyes or is he just looking cause he is human ?

This is one of our biggest battles. Unfortunately, it hasn't always stopped at an "appreciative glance" in our relationship. God is good, though, and He has done some big changes in my husband's heart. One thing I learned in the course of the toughest times that we went through is that a man can have a gorgeous, physically attractive, physically fit, in-style woman and still look hard at other women.

I mean look at Hollywood, for example. How many of us [women] have wished that we could look like this actress or that model...and yet look at the divorce rate among the famous. Pamela, Baywatch babe, beautiful body, pretty face...drueld over by millions of men all over the world...and her husband was very unfaithful. I could list more, but you get my point. That is going to a far extreme (actually, physically being unfaithful) whereas you say that your man just appreciates pretty women. But trust me, it could have nothing to do with you whatsoever. Men are visual creatures. Some men choose not to control their animal instincts, some choose to take their thoughts captive. But the thought is still there. They may be married, but they aren't dead...and the grass always seems greener even if your lawn is perfectly manicured.

That having been said, however...I will say that we, as wives, have a certain responsibility to our husbands. In the beginning stages of our relationship we put on the extra makeup and make sure the hair is just so and try to look our best for him. But as time goes by and we get more comfortable, we tend to let that slip a bit. I'm not saying we should be like the Stepford Wives...always made up and wearing dresses...blah blah, never let him see you au natural. But I do think that we should try to dress up as often as we can just for him. Even if you have no plans of leaving the house, what harm would it do to get all prettied up during the week just for his benefit? It really doesn't take much time. I mean, most of us spend that much time doing something unproductive that could be cut out in order to make him feel special.

This all isn't coming from someone who's been a stay at home mom for very long, either. I've worked full time for the duration of our marraige until just a few weeks ago. Generally, I would go "scrubby" to work (no makeup, hair pulled back) and then come home and fix up while I was cooking dinner and waiting for him to get home from work. Not every day, but as often as I could. What did that say to him? It said that I don't care what anyone else thinks of me...I think you are special and I want you to know that I spent extra time gettin' pretty just for you.

Now, from the viewpoint of a stay at home mom...I know that there are women out there that dress up every day. Some of them do so for their jobs, and some of them do so just because they prefer to always look their best. Nothing wrong with that. I've just never been that woman. I prefer comfort over beauty. But, knowing that my husband is going out into a world full of other women who look their best...is the last image I want him to see of me every morning a robe and pj's with bed-head hair and no makeup, morning breath and slippers? Not particularly...So is it really gonna hurt for me to get up with him and at least use some Listerine and a hairbrush before he goes out into the jungle? And what about when he comes home...after seeing other women looking good all day long...and I'm in sweatpants smelling like Comet with a half-fallen ponytail and a pair of rubber gloves...

Again, I'm not saying that it is always possible to take the time out to, nor should it always be necessary to get all made up and such. But more than once in a blue moon, it wouldn't hurt us to take the time out of our (sometimes busier than his) schedule and spend a little extra time making him remember why he was so attracted to us in the first place...

Some of us will never look like that 19 year old hard-bodied manicured....um, how can I think of a word for her....female....trying to be nice. But we can be our best. And if that means pushing away from the extra bon-bons while watching Oprah, or getting the non-buttered popcorn at the theatre and doing a few squats in the shower and maybe repeatedly lifting up the baby up, down up down...it couldn't hurt, could it?

If you do it right, it will

The same could be said for men, I'm sure, tho women for the most part aren't as visually oriented as men. There are very few men I know who've been married a while who haven't let themselves slip shape-wise. I think it's a bit unfair to expect improvement in the wives while we're busy eating that extra 20+ pounds on. That doesn't even count the health benefits.

But yeah, I agree both should look more inward if they are worried about their spouses looking more outward.

Originally posted by Allen: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">If you do it right, it will </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I musta been doin' something right this weekend on the slopes, 'cause I can still feel it.

Seriously, though...I agree that it's not fair of the man to expect something that he himself is not willing to do...ex: stay in shape. However, if we base everything in our marraige on what's fair, I think we are destined to fail. I can still do right in an area that he is falling in, and that may motivate him to do better. It may not, but I haven't lost anything by bettering myself in that one area. That could include physical appearance (which by the way is not near as important to me as other things, although I do think that my husband's the sexiest man alive...) or attitude (which I really need to work on lately) or spiritual growth, motivation to work around the house, parenting, and so on. Sometimes all it takes is a step in the right direction by one spouse to spurr the other one on. Sometimes it takes several steps...and sometimes it takes a mile. But that's what it's about, right? Being selfless and putting your spouse before yourself?

I think Allen put it best when he said that we need to look inward if we're worried about our spouse looking outward. That works on so many different levels...

Exactly grasshopper...

Bettering ourselves in any area, even if it doesn't spur the spouse to do the same, is still a positive. Setting the example before them usually does lead to coaxing them in the same way tho. Good topic.

For those who are night owls or early birds and your spouse is the other, how do you work it out?

i have no idea, my sister and her husband have that problem, and boy is it ! she likes to sleep in and he likes to hit the morning's first light. john and i used to be "off" ... we just solved it by having kids, that way you two are tired all the time. teehee.

that is ONE solution....

Dena and I struggled hard while I was on nights. It was just about the death of our relationship, the not being able to see each other and all that. I was OK with the schedule (glad to have a job that I could complain about...) but it was hardest on her. Me sleeping while she walked around on eggshells, trying to herd the kids and keep them quiet and try and have a successful real-estate career. It was almost too much.


I am the original morning person anyway. So now I am up and gone by 4:30am she is NOT a morning person but she is working one it

wow, reading this makes me appreciate being single again. I feel better now, thanks. anyway, for the 21 yr old here-best to stay single than settle DOWN for wrong reason[please family etc]. been there, cried that. best to be single than with wrong person. experience is good teacher, still-wish I could rewind and do things [or not do]differently!

I loved someone, but married for security too. not good enough reason to marry just for sake of marrying-fear of aging alone being one or having to move back home after job loss. go travel while your young and free. once you got kids-[i hear], priorities must change.

why not pretty up just for yourself-it looks like you care about yourself and not doing it to get something from your spouse ? SELF CONFIDENCE is sexy girls or guys. when you know you look good-it comes across as confidence right? the rest of us take prozac first, but IMsingle, so what do I know. my ex hubby never lived with me. -ergo mr. greencard had to go!

seems the nice guys with no sordid history ask about our past. thats why we end up with guys who match ours-so we dont feel like total dirtbags. look at pamela lee. mrs porn star married a rock star, I say they are equals!

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I dress up just for me. But, just like with kids, when you are married, your priorities change. You look at the interest of your spouse above your own. The Bible says you should. So what if I don't feel like dressing up. If it would make him feel good and important, then by golly something that simple is worth doing.

I wouldn't say that we really end up as equals as far as the bad past goes...but yes, guys with good pasts don't tend to end up with girls with bad past. It can happen the other way around, tho. My past wasn't near what my husband's past was... Women tend to be more naieve and rely on "I don't care who you are or where you've been or what you've done as long as you love me". It hurts us later, but we do rely more on our feelings when we are choosing a mate. Some of us do, anyhow. Most guys, on the other hand, tend to look at the business end of it more than the emotional end of it. How good/bad is her credit? Is she healthy and capable of supporting the family if something happens to me? Not saying that guys don't base the decision on emotions at all, but they are more detail oriented like that ususally whereas women tend to rely on the notion that "love will keep us together no matter what kind of weather."


But to answer the question about night owls and early birds...I am a nightowl. Big time. My husband can be, but when he's in his comfort zone, he goes to sleep whenever he gets sleepy which chould be at 6pm or 11pm (unless he get's stuck in front of the TV and somehow it suctions him in so deeply that it's like a tractor beam holding him hostage in his lazboy, in which case he will stay up until 4am watching Becker and infomercials. If I catch this travesty in progress, I save the day by turning the TV off during a comercial and coaxing him to bed. If I wait till the commercials are over, I usually have to sit and wait for the next set. Somehow it doesn't work to turn it off in the middle of the captivating dialogue in which he's engrossed). He has no trouble getting out of bed in the morning if he really has to, though; no matter what. Drives me batty. Me, on the other hand...I get my second wind about 11pm and want to remodel the house. But I don't care how early I get to sleep, my brain and body don't really really start functioning until 10am.
No real helpful hints here, though. I've had to compromise on my sleeping in due to necessity rather than niceness or selflessnes. Kids have to be to school at 8, I've had to be to work before 8 until recently...so I just try to get to bed as early as possible and sacrifice those precious evening hours which I could be doing something extremely productive like laundry or rearranging the kitchen. *sigh* Hopefully the urge to be busy in the evening hours will fade once the holidays are over, everything is back to normal, and the kids are off to school, husband is off to work, and I'm here during the daytime hours to do those things that I've had to cram in during the evening for so long...We'll see.

good point. guys are more ''how will this effect me''[her past]. my past did haunt one guy and i was naive beforemeeting him as far as taking care of myself. he suffered for my mistake and I lost the relationship. [it was temporary-but still hurts the same to know my past was at fault for his leaving me]. sometimes its not just a cold sore gals. as I said before bad boys only give you reason to run to nearest clinic-instead of giving you flowers and candy.[sometimes both].

guys hide their past from girls too. and good girls suffer for it! AS well as our future relationships. ''no glove-no love'' is a good rule or abstain altogther saves more grief. if you have any doubts-dont be with him. not even small favors.

happy to say ddf today, and been celibate since. not always by choice. i prefer to be checked out BEFORE meeting anyone new, not wait til its serious and then lose another one due to my ignorance. my family did not discuss this, only birds and bees. it was just my folks generation to be hush.it was almost taboo.

My mom told me everything about sex except for what I needed to know.

Seriously, my mom was so open about sex that she used to say, "I'm going in the other room to 'share' with daddy." Share what? OH, darn. I know now...and I regret having the memory of those revalations.

My mom was very very open. In 2nd grade, I had this little boy who liked me. I wasn't interested in any mushy stuff...but he wrote me a letter one day that said "we may be too young to date but we're not too young to kiss". I didn't really think about it one way or the other...whatever. Kiss? Nah...do you wanna play 4sqare or teather ball instead? That looks like much more fun to me...But alas, I showed it to a jealous vixen named Marcy; she liked the boy who liked me (Marcy actually now teaches at my little girl's elementary haha) and she told the teacher before I could dispose of it. The teacher confronted me. I couldn't lie. I gave the note to her, my parents were called. My mom rented VIDEOS!!! True Love Waits videos...Birds and the bees videos. Sheesh! I just wanted to play dodge ball! Second grade for crying out loud. I didn't even know what "sharing" meant at that time...nor did I care!

In all of my mother's careful planning and beating and lecturing and video renting...I still made a few mistakes. So I guess we can't blame it all on mom and dad for lack of education...or maybe I can. What she should have showed me were videos of childbirth, pain, trauma...pictures of VDs... That may have set me straight before I got into the game. Hehe...then again, maybe I would have joined a convent...and I would be signing off as "Sister Mary Michelle".

right on. ty for reply. I dont blame parents, it all they knew to say at the time. im sure their folks were same way. sometimes emotions overuled my sanity regardless of info later. but they were MY mistakes. bad choices have consequences even after repenting. sometimes takes yrs for any symptoms to show, thendamage already done before getting treatment. such as ruining my fertility chances. some of that is medical too[rx]. antibiotics doesnt heal emotional scars!

amen, sistah. And your future mate/current mate has to deal with the emotional carnage left behind from your past. Anybody found this to be true? How do you deal with your spouse's past and visa versa?

is that why I hang out at airports-cuz am a baggage carrier? [; its in the past. prefer to move forward with what I got left after losing my luggage at the airport, and i dont fly commercial. still have my humor intact. just my ''seatbelt'' is broke. we should be called WOMBAN , not women.? anyone else feel less womanly due to malfunction?

I hesitate to marry a man who wants kids [or more], would feel like I WAS CHEATING HIM OUT OF A FAMILY. ? even though Id adopt or accept any kids he already had. what if a man does not want kids, we marry-then I get a miracle-hed think I had lied to him.?

safer tosay, if I can have kids, itd be from GOD or not at all. make sure its an option . Im prolife anyway. and refuse to marry a man who is not. prochoice means he can change his mind and free to leave you if it happens?

most worldly guys are prochoice cuz its suits their freewilly lifestyle! and they always look up to clinton /monica scandal as a role model for their behavior. an excuse, to justify their not being responsible. it takes 2 to screw up a childs life./future. ifthat child is not born with the man[or woman's]consequences!

ok, now on a lighter note. working on that. anybody here?

everyone asleep already? im next. nite! cardiotherapy again tues. same time[for my dad].and on thurs. senior city. cold room.[temp]

hey yall. i seem to agree with michelle in regards to men having a "try before you buy" mentality, but somehow i got lucky and my man took a huge risk and went with me, who had a long past and somehow knew it would be the way to go, even after he had been "burned" being married to a less than settled down woman before. it has been a chore to convince him that things are safe and there will be no cheating, leaving etc like he experienced before but time has been the best thing in this area, as more time goes by, the more he trusts what i say and it matches what i do. time really works well in a marriage. kinda like floor glue, the more you use the floor after the glue has been put down, the better the result. ... (bad analogy, but i think you get the picture)