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Mawwiage... #31542 12/10/04 08:06 PM
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foreverchanged Offline OP
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Ah, to be married. To have exchanged eternal vows with your soul mate...the one and only person with whom you will gaze lovingly into each others eyes every day for the rest of your natural life and float away together in marital bliss on a cloud of...smoke from the oven because you left the chicken in too long -- HIS FAULT, of course -- because he called you into the other room to ask you why in heaven's name would you have put the extra bullets for his hunting rifle in the attic where the temperature reaches greater heights than that of the wax that just spilled on the new dresser because the twelve year old will NOT stop playing with candles; that's okay, though, because he is now being repremanded by the six year old who thinks that she is sixteen as she scolds him with a tube of my lipstic in one hand and a Barbie phone in the other and I have trouble figuring out that it's not the Barbie phone that is ringing, but actually its the portable under the couch cushion that I tear apart only to wish I hadn't because on the other end of the line is Kareem who would like to know if I'm an authorized signed user on my husband's accout, but I can't answer him because I'm distracted by the loud, "HONEY...the chicken!" from the kitchen where I inadvertently set the phone in the pot holder drawer leaving Kazeem or Kareem or whoever to chat with the kitchen linens until the next time I hear the Barbie phone at 11:52pm on a school night, trip over the green size 11 house slippers on the way out of the bedroom, repremand the six year old for the fact that her dad left his slippers in my way, confiscate her Barbie phone after listening to the dial tone on my portable (now kitchen-ware educated) phone for a while almost wishing it was Kaleem, Kazeem, Kareem...so that I could tell him that it is not fair to leave the seat up in the middle of the night -- daytime is okay, but come on...I didn't have a fighting chance in the dark...So, with a bruise on my knee from the trip over the slippers and a chill from the unexpected plunge into the commode, a blister from the foolhearty idea of cleaning the wax while it's still hot before it ruins the stain, a slight case of heartburn from the carbon-flavored chicken, and the third song from the Barbie Nutcracker performed by the entire cast of Yu-gi-oh characters running through my head, I limp to the bedroom and fall into bed...and just before I get comfortable, he rolls over in his sleep, throws his arm over my face and cuddles my head like a teddy bear. As I struggle for air, I lay still not wanting to wake him because I know he's just as tired as I am, and I thank God for all the days just like today and pray for many more to come.

I looked for a thread with this topic, but I didn't see one. I know there are at least a few of us who've tied the knot...most of us recently. Just wanted to start a little discussion about common marraige issues. I'm not talking about seat up? seat down? stuff either. I realized a long time ago (and I haven't even been married for that long) that if you fight over stuff like whether the toilet seat stays up or down or the toothpaste tube is rolled forward or backwards...you're probably not discussing the real issues.

Guess I'll start with communication. I'm a poor communicator. That doesn't mean I don't talk alot, but it's what I say or don't say in my marraige that tends to cause big *ahem* "discussions" over something stupid and little. My big problem is timing. When he's allready aggitated is not a good time to say anything negative. But sometimes if I don't say it when I'm thinking it, it never gets said. Sometimes that's good, sometimes not because sometimes it becomes an unresolved issue which can be bad for communication later on because I'm still hurt or ticked about that thing he did and he's doing it AGAIN and now I'm double ticked, but he's in a bad mood now, so I can't TELL him I'm ticked. Any hints on timing? Good approaches? Or any other issues?


-Michelle

The best laid plans are in my other pants. -- Newsboys
Re: Mawwiage... #31543 12/11/04 05:11 AM
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Melissa Offline
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Man would i love for my sister Michelle to read that right now! hehe


Melissa-Show me who your friends are and I'll show you who you are.
Re: Mawwiage... #31544 12/11/04 01:50 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by foreverchanged:
Guess I'll start with communication. I'm a poor communicator. That doesn't mean I don't talk alot, but it's what I say or don't say in my marraige that tends to cause big *ahem* "discussions" over something stupid and little. My big problem is timing. When he's allready aggitated is not a good time to say anything negative. But sometimes if I don't say it when I'm thinking it, it never gets said. Sometimes that's good, sometimes not because sometimes it becomes an unresolved issue which can be bad for communication later on because I'm still hurt or ticked about that thing he did and he's doing it AGAIN and now I'm double ticked, but he's in a bad mood now, so I can't TELL him I'm ticked. Any hints on timing? Good approaches? Or any other issues? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Well girl...I aint married and I aint looking to be any time soon...I cant wait for miss Right but in the mean time i dont mind the wrong ones...J/K... But one thing i have learned about my relationships in the past is that communication is everything...You cant just hold in your frustrations and say oh well if they dont get said then thats just that...aside from insults i mean....your view needs to be shared.... Hollering or being so emotional you just dont listen to the other person or they dont listen to you never works...you have to be open from both ends....sit down, and calmly talk it out...i know you dont want to at first but it seriously helps...you may sit down mad...But if you remain calm and discuss with out hurting the other person or they hurting you...(emotional wise) I promise that you will get up laughing about the situation...all is all.....like i said i may not be married but at the ripe ole age of 21 i have had made some bad judgements wich lead to experience....wich lead to good judgement...Now theres a quote for yuh...LOL....
Love you Foreverchanged...
Hope all is well


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Re: Mawwiage... #31545 12/12/04 02:49 PM
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Timing means you don't sit down at 1:43 to read this when the spouse is antsy to get to a 2:00 wedding of a friend smash

That may answer at least part of the question tho, part of a good marriage is putting the needs of your spouse ahead of your own. That probably includes thinking before speaking - "is this a good time for me to sit down at the computer?" - would have most likely been answered as a 'no' (especially since I hadn't dressed for it yet tongue ). We were on-time for the wedding (the church is only a few minutes from here), but at the cost of her getting worked up over me waiting until the last second. smash

Handling 'issues' should be in private, where we can talk without the oversight of our parents, in-laws, children, friends, etc. I'm still very new at this, what has been your experience at putting this into practice?


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: Mawwiage... #31546 12/12/04 03:52 PM
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Just a thought from an unmarried guy. Using your example Allen, doing that was selfish, inconsiderate, and with out saying it made your time/stuff more important than hers. It was arrogant. Now, before it starts sounding like that's all this is about, it isn't. The picture painted of you here tells us you aren't like that even theough the behavior was. You hit the nail on the head. YOU'RE NEW TO THIS. For a lot if years now outside of a work situation especially in yourhome YOU were the only consideration. You're aware of that and working on it. Problem is, some people never get it and don't ever give it a thought. Particularly if that's what they saw growing up in their home.

Had Melanie remained cool, calm and unaffected that would have taught you without her meaning to that that was acceptable. Until the time came that she finely lost it, you may have gone along your merry way never giving it a thought.

I totally agree with you saying that dealing with things should be done in private. Particularly if it's heated. I also see Michelles points about waiting. Waiting too long has the same affect of Melanie being blase if she had. I also agree with dealing with it while it's happening again. I understand it's different in marriage but it's not exclusive to marriage. It's really a 24/7 situation. We all are affected by it with some one at some time. In the marriage, provided children wouldn't be in danger I think the offended spouse should ask the other to come with them. Get them away from the distraction that is making you put it on hold. Stop the very behavior that is hurting you and deal with it right then. Adjust the example I gave depending on the situation. Move outside away from people, go to another room or go home. Chances are, what you are doing or where you are isn't as or more important than IT and getting IT resolved.

Re: Mawwiage... #31547 12/12/04 04:01 PM
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foreverchanged Offline OP
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Haha...now is bad timing to be typing much 'cause he hates to be late for church, so I'll come back with more later...just wanted to laugh out loud a little about the expression "taking your teeth into your own hands..." Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Be back later. laugh


-Michelle

The best laid plans are in my other pants. -- Newsboys
Re: Mawwiage... #31548 12/12/04 07:59 PM
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A thought about that Michelle. Apparently at some point hating to rush/be late for church was an issue (it) that needed resolving to keep the peace. You, heard it, you honor it and do your best to do it. My point there is unless the other person honors and impliments the behavior(s) necessary it's a waste of time and energy. I think that's why talking at the time is pretty important or at least saying we need to discuss this later.

I heard my mom and dad do this one all 57 years of their marriage. (men are the worst offenders) Something would be happening if the moment was volitile talking was useless. Nobody was listening. (Usually) my dad. Bring it up later of the next time instead of the issue taking presidence it was the consatnt nagging (slight of hand) that took over. The problem/culprit was a lack of respect. The king of the castle, I'm the money maker, you and the kids are just another thing I own mentality. Granted it was another time (certainly before the equality movements) but it still seems to me that if you love and respect a person, you will go out of your way to please them
not just expect to be pleased. A lot of it is macho nonesense. "Get control of you woman" mentality that leaves little room for love and respect. I think it's probably especially hard when the Bible condones it. Women being submissive to their husbands isn't exactly going to inspire respecting them.

Re: Mawwiage... #31549 12/13/04 01:10 PM
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I think "selfish, inconsiderate, and arrogant" are a little strong descriptives for just not being thoughtful tongue I told her I'd be ready in time and was, she just didn't know I could do it. Being ready before sitting down would have been the better choice smile


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: Mawwiage... #31550 12/13/04 01:27 PM
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I thought so to Allen, until it was pointed out to me and I didn't want to admit it but saw that it was later on. The truth is, it was my complaint about someone else that brought it up. I didn't want to think of them that way.

Re: Mawwiage... #31551 12/14/04 04:02 PM
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alright, well, i think communication is important, yeah, but from my own experience, knowing when NOT to communicate seems more important for us. some things that in the past i would just have to discuss, i find given a little time, dont need to be hashed over. sometimes saying what is on your mind is overrated. picking your "battles" or things to "ahhem, discuss" should be chosen carefully. we talk at night when the kiddos are in bed or in the car when a movie is on. we always resolve or come o a resolve and not walk away angry. its never convenient, but i find that john will sit and talk to me and prompt a discussion more times than i will when there is something to discuss. i, as a regular female never forget what i want to say or how to say it, but sometimes letting him pick "a good time" does two things: allows him to be ready to dealw/emotions since men dont live in an emotionl state like we do, and it gives you time to refine your thought so they dont come out wrong. it works really well for us and we are only going on 3 years, but man, things are just as awesome now with 2 kiddos as they were when we were first getting to know eacj other! time sure works in your favor in a good marriage!


-hanging in there- Jenna Clark
Re: Mawwiage... #31552 12/14/04 07:39 PM
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love the last line smile


- Allen [Linked Image]
- I don't need things, I need people - mb © 2002
Re: Mawwiage... #31553 12/15/04 02:26 AM
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it's like cheese and wine, some things just get better with age. i can't wait to see what the next 50 years bring !


-hanging in there- Jenna Clark
Re: Mawwiage... #31554 12/15/04 04:46 PM
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I'm still trying to figure out when to talk and when to shut up. This is the beginning of year number two for me, and I'm not sure if I'm better or worse yet as far as communication skills. I understand you guys' point about saying it when the offense occurs, but jenn has a valid point there when she says that you have to learn when to say nothing at all.

In my experience, the offense of which I need to adress usually occurs when we are already adressing a different issue all together. Therefore, it's usually best to wait until the one issue is resolved before trying to tackle another one because he is usually much more receptive later than right now. But then the aforementioned problem comes into play in where I never find the right time to discuss the problem that I put off. So I guess it's trial and error here, figuring out which battles are worth picking and which ones aren't.

But then that term "battles" sounds so contradictory to marraige, doesn't it? We are unified, but yet we have our sword and shield aimed at each other rather than standing side by side...and in doing so, we give the enemy a foothold. I pray for the maturity daily that I will be able to bite my tongue and even when I'm adressing an issue that bothers me, that I would say it in such a way that it doesn't come across as a full-on offensive attack. I can have the timing of an angel, but if I come across so harshly that I sound like symbols clashing, I'm not gettin any love. tipsy

So is there ever a time when you should keep anything from your spouse? A feeling, a thought, an action...how far does it go, and where do you cross the line between being kind and being evasive and being just downright dishonest? Thoughts?


-Michelle

The best laid plans are in my other pants. -- Newsboys
Re: Mawwiage... #31555 12/15/04 04:57 PM
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Timing is everything, but making sure you bring the issue up is just as important.
Most of the time it has to wait because were around friends or family and I try not to bicker around others. The challenge I have, struggle with, is bringing it back up later. I hate fighting/arguing, and try to avoid it at all possible. If were getting along now then whats the point of bringing an issue back up just to argue over? Well, because after 15 years Ive found theyre still there, issues that never got resolved, and come back up in an argument over something entirely different.
Another things is unresolved issues just add up and become so overwhelming that divorce seems like the best option.
In a Christian marriage: I believe you have to stick with it, work through each challenge as they come up and resolve those unresolved issues, and of course forgive because God forgives.
A friend of mine said if God can raise someone from the dead, then surely He can heal and restore a failed marriage. I believe it, pray it, and witness it!

Re: Mawwiage... #31556 12/15/04 05:14 PM
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Michelle actually I see all my friends keep things their spouses, especially if it has to do with money. My girlfriends keep clothes and how much they spend from their husbands and my guy friends keep things they spend on their hobbies golf, baseball, and techno stuff from their wives. I see it happen, I see the peace, and I see the challenge where its a gray area though. Is not disclosing dishonest? Im not entirely sure seems eventually the spouse finds out and its never that big of a deal as it could have been if it were brought up before hand. It doesnt seem right though. Seems like whatever you tell you best friend you should be able to your spouse. Were obviously not at that point in our marriage where we come to each other and show and tell all, though I wish that were the case.

Re: Mawwiage... #31557 12/15/04 07:27 PM
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For me, the only I keep from my husband is talking about past friends or guys from the past with family/friends. not that that is something too terrible if he found out, in fact, anything i talk about i keep in mind that if he did find out, it wouldnt hurt him. some things that i keep from him are things that would bother him, not hurt him. like when i cut my daughter's hair, i didnt tell him cause he would have freaked out, but after the fact, he was ok. and when i order books online, he actually told me that i should just do it and tell me later (he checks the bank statements and credit cards daily) so i take the liberty and dont step over the boundaries if he says no more this month. in actuality i DONT keep anything from my husband, but our communication is something that is pretty open. what kind of things are you specifically talking about michelle ??


-hanging in there- Jenna Clark
Re: Mawwiage... #31558 12/16/04 04:26 PM
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foreverchanged Offline OP
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Nothing in particular. We are pretty open in our marriage. I was actually just encouraging discussion. Just to cite an example, though...you were speaking of your past relationships. When we first started dating, he asked, I told. There have been times I wished I hadn't, because occasionally the past gets rubbed in like a bad marinade. But then there are times when I realize that it's good that he knows about the problems in my past relationships, because they have affected the person I am now to a certain extent. It would be unfair if I didn't share certain things with him, because he'd be confused thinking "why did that bother her?" confused

And then there are times when I didn't say something that I wish I would have. For instance, I quit smoking a while back (per his prompting). I was going through a really weak moment one day (over a year after I quit)and a co-worker offer me one of hers. I took it, but just put it in my purse and thought about it, got busy and forgot about it. I didn't say anything to him about it at all.

Did I do anything wrong? Technically, no. But it turned around and bit me in the hiney later when I brought that purse with me to Astroworld, ended up sustaining an injury on one of the rides and my husband had to give me CPR to revive me. When I was in the ER, he had to look through my purse for my ID, and he found the cigarrette. OOPS! Now I'm unconscious and his mind is going 90 to nothing. What is she hiding from me? She said she quit. How long has she been doing this behind my back? What if I had died and not been able to explain myself? He would have forever had those questions in his mind. What else did she do and not tell me?

Even though I actually didn't do anything, it really looked like I did because I kept my weak moment from him. That one incident became a trust issue in our relationship. Ouch.

But there are things that he says that he's thinking that I just say "that's ugly" or "overshare" or "too much info"... But if I say anything about it, he says "Well, are we supposed to be honest or what here? You are my best friend...I want to be comfortable telling you everything." And, I guess we should be...


-Michelle

The best laid plans are in my other pants. -- Newsboys
Re: Mawwiage... #31559 12/16/04 09:26 PM
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Hey michelle, seeing that really helped me. Thank you!!!


Melissa-Show me who your friends are and I'll show you who you are.
Re: Mawwiage... #31560 12/17/04 09:37 PM
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I'm still trying to figure out when to talk and when to shut up.

Amen Sister!!! wink

We've been married 7 months and I have to weigh my words very carefully... slap Mark will think that I have agreed to some of these things that he never would have agreed to.

It is definitely interesting when dealing with blended families. The real problems begin when you dont talk things through. Its easy to walk away or close a door and brood. Life is challenging. Living that life Christ-centered is the key. And the two shall become one. Its that meeting of the minds and the concessions we make for loves sake that God sees and blesses. We have to be willing to be clay. smile


When I don't measure up to much in this life, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ.
Re: Mawwiage... #31561 12/20/04 02:53 PM
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i agree. i think that i wish i hadnt told my husband about my past. see, my past is "sorted", his plainly isnt. he was married prior to our meeting, yet she was his first and only real relationship. he tends to hold it against me. espicially if i am still friends with someone from my past wink it didnt do us any good to talk about it, we are different and shouldnt base anything off the past. it was a mistake i cant take back. i think that trust is earned as time goes by, we dont second guess each other anymore, but john still fears the worst. we watch "desperate housewives" and he really worries that i will be decietful in the future. i dont know if it is a plauging fear of his, or something that he just wants to talk about at the time so i can aliviate his fears. no matter how many times i reassure him i dont and wont cheat, it still needs regular talking about. it doesnt bother me to go over it again and again. there are things i need constant talking about as well. each year is different in marriage, at least with us. the first year was dificult in getting to iron out the kinks, second year was busy and this year has been getting a method down and forming good common habits. each one is different.

question : i have always been a little insecure about myself physically, even when i was a "buck-o-five" and in shape. i know that guys "look" and i also know my man wont cheat, but when should it really bother you and when is it ridiculous ? should a married woman worry about her man looking at better looking women ? i usually dont, but then again we never lived anywhere women looked good. now we are in plano and frisco and they are salon,botox,day spa'd to the max! i am boxers and tshirt and makeup on a good day and think i need to get with the program. when you are married, should you just shrug and not let it get to you or should you say something ? at this point, is it important ?


-hanging in there- Jenna Clark
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