So what's the use, why is this happening to me over and over again???

I met someone I like turns out he broke up with his g/f some four weeks ago. He is so sad, I dont know if he misses the relationship or if he misses her most... I hate to see him like this... But what can I do? Be happy that he is single, or sad that she broke his heart? Both?

I met him for the first time in January and it was something special with him from the beginning. Somehow I usually never become close friends with someone if I am interested first, it's always friends first and then love, or love and no friendship. But it was different with him. It was both interest and friendship at the same time. In school, he confides in me and he only talks to me and his guy friend. He keeps talking about this girl and it hurts so much, but I try to be a good friend and listen and understand and make him feel better. We really get along and there IS some sort of chemistry there... Same interests, sense of humour, we think alike, basically I think we would be good for eachother.

But whenever I think that, it turns out the guy is not interested. In the past, it's probably been because I've had a crush on them without really knowing them, so we dont really "match". And guys who have been interested in me aren't my type. Some guys at work I know were interested, but they are so not my type it's not even funny. What a waste of emotions, isnt it... And instead of loving, you get hurt, miserable, heart broken... It's like it's not for me. So close but so far away...

And this is the first time I REALLY like someone for who he is, being his friend and not making up some imaginary picture of who he really is...

Should I continue to be friends with him, and see where it leads, with the risk of crushing that friendship, and possibly asking myself if I did it because I have feelings for him or because I genuinly want to be his friend?! Or not be his friend anymore because I'm interested and he is still in love with her?? I have tried both and it's not working... I cant be mad at him, tried that, we end up talking as usual anyway... We can talk about pretty much anything except us or our friendship, a sensitive subject it seems Strange, because he's not uncomfortable with me. Or I with him. But there's some tension, and there's been some misunderstandings when we've tried to talk about it The words have just come out wrong...

Also, we ended up in the same project group which means we have to work together all semester... so I will get closer to him whether I want or not... I dont know what to do... or if I should do anything at all? It's just that I can't take it anymore

Hey aleina... firstly, it's good to see you on here

Secondly, if you really consider him your friend, I think you should continue the friendship and see where it leads... communication seems to be falling short when it gets to something that matters to both of you - you really owe it to each other to get it out in the open so you can make rational decisions about the direction your friendship/relationship should go.

Anyways, that's from a guy's perspective. I'd wanna know if something like that bothered you that much, no matter which way it turns out. Keeping it in will only build resentment.

Hi Aleina!!!

I agree with Allen. Work on the friend part first, any solid friendship will survive much, even a shot at love!

You don't have to answer this just reflect on it.
Who is the one that is having the most trouble dealing/verbalizing the relationship issues?

God bless ya!

I agree with both of them Aleina. Be his friend and be there for him, if love comes out of it, then great.

Good Luck and keep us posted.

Good to see you again!

Thanks guys Feels better now that I have vented about it.

As I said, I can't ignore him, or be mad at him, or not be his friend, we're too much alike and he's too cute for his own good This project we're doing is gonna be interesting......... I was assigned contact person towards our client, and he is gonna be the "coach" keeping track of what we do and making everyone feel good. I suggested he'd be in charge of the beer and party snacks too LOL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Steve:
You don't have to answer this just reflect on it.
Who is the one that is having the most trouble dealing/verbalizing the relationship issues? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Ok Steve Pavlov the immediate answer from any woman would be:

MEN!

See I can even joke about it... Although I'm curious what your answer would be - and why.

aleina

I'm gonna have to go with the crowd here and say be his friend, but I will elaborate.

I was in that exact situation several years ago...back before I got saved. It's not an easy situation to be in. I was there for him, and I was his friend only...but I let him know how I felt about him. After being inseperable friends with him (strictly platonic) for over a year, he decided that he was going to use me because he was lonely, and I was only too happy to be used (basically because I really really honestly thought he had just realized that he felt the same way for me that I felt for him... )

That killed our friendship. Dead in the water, and I lost one of the best friends I think I ever had.

Communication is going to be key here as in any friendship/relationship. And don't let yourself be fooled into thinking that just because he turns to you when he's lonely means that you mean anything to him. I'm not trying to sound callous here, but guys are like that (most of them). Some don't always mean it that way, but some do...they will use you when you are weak and they are feeling weak. It ends up giving both of you instant gratification, but the difference there is that after the fact, he feels better, and you feel like dirt.

It's the way of the dating/ co-ed friendship world...be his friend, but be careful.

He hasn't just started to turn to me NOW, we've been close since we met God has blessed me (if it IS a blessing LOL) with a realistic personality and I'm also a very good judge of character. Add that I'm so not romantic and never see things through rose-colored glasses... I think I've learnt from past experiences to look through men and what they are up to

I'm glad that you have learned that.

And I'm not talking about him turning to you for friendship/companionship... I was talking about intimacy. I wasn't saying you didn't know all that, just adding my input.

I'm thinking that this project may reveal other dimensions to your friendship. You will be seeing each other in different functions, under different roles, him as the overseer, you as the doer. You may get a better or different undersanding of his "make-up", ie: values, goals, etc. You can learn alot about a person in situations like this...hopefully you will end up still liking him at the end...

embie: bingo!

michelle: I thought you meant intimacy but wasnt sure so I replied as if you didnt mean that ;

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by foreverchanged:
(strictly platonic)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Someone recently corrected me. The word is plahtonic.

This is not a discouragement. I have a friend whose in a similar situation. It will be difficult to maintain a friendship with him because you are attracted to him. However, people always say that relationships which start of as friendships are the best kind. And if nothing romantic comes from this but a genuine friendship; it'll be worth it.

Hi Aleina

If you mean betwixt Dena and myself? We talk about "us" but mostly those talks get pushed aside for any miriad of reasons/excuses/we have kids....... Anyway we have recently dedicated ourselves to carving time out to have those kinds of discussions. We even went on a date recently! (You don't know what a feat that was!) Kids dramatically change relationships, not for the worse mind you but your focus moves from mutual service to service to the kiddos and if ya aren't careful it can lead to mutual neglect. Not mean in anyway, but not a postitive effort to serve!

There did I confuse you enough?

Steve --> The question you posted was

"Who is the one that is having the most trouble dealing/verbalizing the relationship issues?"

I dont know what question you tried to answer

that makes 2 of us... it was a nice post tho

Sheesh just try to help and everyone makes fun of you.............

THBTHBTHBTHBTHBTHBT roflololol

I still liked the post

me too

Seriously, if that was your reply to my question, then please explain again what you mean... I dont get it

So what's the deal with all these people going around in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way?? Are you supposed to learn smth? I think it's a waste of time... Thoughts?

...not sure Aleina. loveis such a complex word. If ou get a chance or can find it...check out The Four Loves by CS Lewis. He hits the nail on the head for me. I can find myself in ever aspect of his descriptions. If you've never read anything by him, his stle challenges you, but he's awesome.

For me...I know in my heart of hearts that I still love my ex-husband. I think that's why it's been so hard for me to move on. Love is supposed to be forever. The bible describes it one way as Patient. For him and I, it's fruitless now, and I know that. We're in different worlds. It's debilitating and inhibiting and frustrating as I know that all that pain was so unnecessary. But through my divorce, I came to Christ...so it was so totally worth it. Did I learn something? I sure did...I learned tons! Mostly about myself though. And I'm still learning. Carrying a torch for someone that does not repay the feelings, over the long term, is not healthy. And like in my case, it prevents you from allowing yourself to be open and available to someone who might love you back.

I believe that God has His hand in all things. If you are meant to be with our friend, God will work that out. And He will make it clear to you. It's clear in m case, that this is not what God has for me...it's my own flesh, the contact that my ex and I have because of our kids and the whispers of that punk devil that are crippling me. It's here that I should be listening to...Run Forrest...RUN

I will be praying for you...for wisdom and discernment.

...oh and Steve will talk regardless of the question...sometimes he even makes up his own...

......only if no one has asked recently........

Yeah Aleina you kinda flipped the question back on me, so I fumbled through it.

Po baby

Hey hey dont "po baby" him, this is my topic

Thanks embie

k...

Hey Steve go argue with a stump or smth

Embie rotf!!

Btw I happened to name our project group... I was chatting on msn, in class , with one of the other girls, and we just threw out computer related words (we've tried to come up with smth for 2 weeks but no luck!) and I joked and made a rhyme (including one word that he uses all the time) as a JOKE and she thought I was serious and of course he thought it was hilarious....... so now we're known as the "tech mechs" Men...

I had a little talk with him today - about women Apparently his ex g/f just told him one day that they weren't gonna see eachother anymore... That's all she said, no explanation nothing! Ok I broke up with a guy like that when I was 17 - she is 28 So I tried to convince him that not all women are like her. But he kept coming back to what I've heard men say for as long as I can remember - I'm never gonna understand women He said she was nice when she wasn't PMsing LOLOL!!

So what is it you don't understand!?

Anyway, then we shared what women do that men hate/dont understand (in general)

Men are supposed to know what their g/f is thinking about (otherwise he doesn't care).

If you ask a man what he's thinking about and he says "nothing" a woman automatically assumes he doesn't wanna talk to her about it...

Women want to talk to their b/fs like they talk to their female friends...

I happened to agree with him a lot because I'm not much like that and none of my female friends either so I hope I gave him some perspective

There was one thing though... He said he didn't have ANY female friends - hello??? Then he corrected himself and said well I do have you [the girls in the class]. So I'm not g/f material, I'm not his friend, I'm smth else!?? For women, every other woman we know, and most men we meet but don't date, are referred to as "friends". Is it different for men

It is if we are being very literal about it. It all depends on what is read into the relationship. It still sounds like he hasn't been told of your feelings tho

No I haven't told him because he is still not over his ex, and I don't want no man on the rebound

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by aleina:


For women, every other woman we know, and most men we meet but don't date, are referred to as "friends". Is it different for men </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I've started to realize recently that the meaning of "friends" has changed dramatically for women vs. men.

I and I believe most women still define "friends" in the way you described...logical right?

However, I do think it's different for men. I've just noticed it as the pattern for the few males I associate with. Although they may expect/receive the benefits of a girlfriend/dating type relationship, they tend to over emphasize the relationship as just friendship

I'm not sure if this is a recent development or maybe I've just been that clueless

That completely depends on:

1 - the depth of meaning the guy puts into the relationship (ie: if he believes the relationship is moving forward, he is more inclined to give it more weight in terms of the "classification" - a shallow relationship, no matter how much the female wants it to be different, is still "just friends". If the cow is giving away the milk for free to attempt to gain a long-term customer, the customer will return for more milk, not necessarily the whole cow

2 - his perception of the female's expectations in the relationship. If communication is slow in coming, direction in a relationship is not voiced, then the guy will not know how the female views it. Assuming he's on the same wavelength makes a rear outta both of ye

note: works both ways... it's not a female-only or male-only phenomena.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by aleina:
No I haven't told him because he is still not over his ex, and I don't want no man on the rebound </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">aaarrgghhh... so you are fretting over a relationship and his classification of it when he doesn't even know that there is one (or that one is wanted)?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Allen:
That completely depends on:

1 - the depth of meaning the guy puts into the relationship (ie: if he believes the relationship is moving forward, he is more inclined to give it more weight in terms of the "classification" - a shallow relationship, no matter how much the female wants it to be different, is still "just friends". If the cow is giving away the milk for free to attempt to gain a long-term customer, the customer will return for more milk, not necessarily the whole cow </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I'm talking about a genuine plahtonic friendship whether between a male or female. As I've said before I have guy friends whom are as plahtonic as my girlfriends. They are not getting any "benefits" from me and they know their boundaries.

However, unless I'm misunderstanding you , it seems as though you are referring an immature/shallow relationship between a man and woman as a friendship. A relationship such as this may not have experienced growth, but I think it's definitely more than just a friendship when there are acts shared beyond the friendship realm.

I do agree that women also constitute an ungrowing relationship as a friendship.

Sadly in both cases, the meaning of friendship has been widely misused

I think women want to lable people;

best friend
close friend
friend
class mate etc
I know who she is
never heard of
I dont like her
I hate her

while men:

mom
g/f
I know who it is

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Allen:
so you are fretting over a relationship and his classification of it when he doesn't even know that there is one (or that one is wanted)? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I thought the relationship was a friendship

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">while men:

mom
g/f
I know who it is</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">ROFLOLOLOLOLOLOL

so it IS true?

Actually you were to close for comfort I was thinking

Married=
mom
wife
not-mom-or-wife

Single=
mom
breathing......

THB

ROTF!!!!!!!!!!

and according to Steve, I'm nothing more than smth that is "breathing"

Well not to me you aren't!!!!!! ROFLOL

You are "not mom, not wife......"

THBTHBTHBTHHBHTBHTBTHB

there, see you feel better already....

Oh I'm honored Steve!!! I'll upgrade you from "I don't like you" to "I know who you are"

Gee I don't know what to say..... <snif> I am just so happy....

It takes so little to please a man

Yup!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Steve:
Actually you were to close for comfort</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">See, us women know a lot about men!! That's what he said to me anyway - "it's easy for women to understand men because men are so simple" while men won't ever understand women because women are so complex...

It's like we know so much more about you, so we can confuse or manipulate (many of) you and you won't have a clue!?? I am not saying men are stupid, not at all, but sometimes you are so clueless when it comes to the female mind... Am I right? Some women love to play these games I dont want to, it feels too weird to mess with someone like that! But sometimes you do it anyway and you dont really mean too... He felt sick the other day on the way home so I told him to call (edit: not call ME) if he couldn't make it to our project meeting the next day. Now why would he call ME? He usually calls this other guy in our class (they talk almost every day), or we would notice if he didn't show up for class (our meeting was in the afternoon)... Eh, it made me feel totally controlling

Thoughts?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by aleina:


See, us women know a lot about men!! That's what he said to me anyway - "it's easy for women to understand men because men are so simple" while men won't ever understand women because women are so complex...

It's like we know so much more about you, so we can confuse or manipulate (many of) you and you won't have a clue!?? I am not saying men are stupid,...



Thoughts?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I'm sorry; I have no thoughts just yet.

I'm still recovering ROFLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL

Brenda LOL I didn't mean to offend any of the guys though

Well that isn't very logical!! If we were as blissfully clueless as you wrote then you would have just clued us in that there was something we needed to be offended about!!!

Hee hee!!!!!!!!

Bah

YOu dont get it do you?