Alright....I am having a major problem trying to figure out the tough question of IS IT OK FOR WOMEN TO PURSUE MEN?

I'll admit that I had been truly in love with a certain guy for a solid year and because of certain situations in his homelife he felt obligated to stay 100% focused on his family and on his studies without the distraction i guess you could say of a girlfriend. Well I have tried to maintain a certain attraction level for him because if I let my hearts feelings completely go, i'll go crazy. But I have always wondered if its like a total no no for women to pursue men.
I would love to get guys and girls opinions on this one. Im not afraid to tell a guy how i feel about him but Im always afraid that pursuing him is like a major malfunction of how the dating process is supposed to go....

Do guys like it when girls pursue? Do they hate it? If they hate it, why? what are the pros and cons of the girl making the move?

Erin Grace

I have never seen a problem with it, but just as in anything more is not necesarily better....

Guys in general love the idea that you like them enough to go after them. I can recall one fomr my youth who would come and clean my room....... that was way too far. I lost respect for her for that.

OK.......so how far is too far? are phone calls too far? im confused....I've heard that guys love the "chasing after" method if you want to call it that......where the guy loves to chase after a girl and then once he has her, there is big time satisfation or something and thats why guys dont like to be pursued....

and...if a girl pursues a guy, is it just flattery to the guy or will he actually give her a chance? how do guys see it?

Erin Grace

Yeah there is all that theoretical primal hunting baloney. But really. Yes it is not just the "hunt" as it were. It is about not having something that is wanted. If the getting is too soon or too easy then yeah it looses something, just like a kid that gets stuff too often.. Just like more men actually prefer scantily clad over nekid. It is about what is "not" seen. That same thought permeates into the dating life as well.

No calling on the phone is not too forward, calling ten times a day is over doing it a tad It doesn't become just flattery when a woman takes the initiative. But you should try to figure out if he wants to pursue or be persued. (yes we can be a touch egotistical at times.... ) He may just be living in his own little world and not even know you are interested, when you make the first move that might clue him in and he pick up the ball and run with it.

Just a thot. If he is the pursuee type don't expect that will ever change in the relationship and be comfortable being the initiator! Not being comfortable with that role might lead to disappointment!

Great words Steve... muy bueno

I can add a little.

We all want what we don't have, it's natural. You are already "pursuing" this guy in your mind whether you are in public or not. It's been a year now, take a step (however small) to at least let him know you are interested and see if there's some mutual attraction there. By not doing so, you are robbing yourself of time for the one God does have for you.

Making the guy aware at least that you are interested is never going too far in a "pursuit" and 99 times out of 100 the guy will be flattered and pleased even if he doesn't want to pursure anything further (the ego thing Steve talked about). The other 1 out of 100 probably is waaayy anti-social and on the verge of being a mass-murderer anyways, it'll be good to find that out up front

Beyond the initial contact, "how far is too far" varies definitely. Calling him is a good thing, make sure it:

• is not at work (his or yours, you both can get the axe for it, and it's just not conducive to good communication while looking over your shoulder for the boss )
• keep initial conversations short, have something to say, say it, and get off the phone. Do not linger wondering if you should say something more... make them want more conversation... at the next phone call
• again, let them know you are interested - we can be clueless more than you know
• listen for "body language" over the phone, we're not that difficult to read if you are actually paying attention

There's other stuff, but I can already hear the rolling of eyes by some of the peanut gallery here
Beyond phone conversations, I'd say you might be pushing it a bit if he isn't showing interest yet. Going by his work, home, or school "just because you happened to have baked cookies and were in the area" may make him feel a bit stalked, even if he eats all the cookies before you pull away.

Mutual interest is key beyond the initial contact and phone conversations...

I don't think it's such a bad thing for the girl to pursue the guy... in the beginning. If he's just too shy to ask you out (or uncertain whether he should), then give him a call and see if he wants to go have dinner or something. No harm in that. In fact, Sarah asked me out on our first date simply because I didn't have the intelligence to notice that she was just as interested in me as I was in her.

The problem with that (as Steve mentioned) is that the guy might get too used to it and expect you to do that for future dates, also. I can't think of a good way around this obstacle, except that you hope you've managed to snag a guy who knows he should be the one to instigate future dates and the like. On this point, I think I'll pass the baton to someone else...

Somebody say cookies???????

Hey Allen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">). The other 1 out of 100 probably is waaayy anti-social and on the verge of being a mass-murderer anyways,</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">You mean this guy??

I laughed out loud!!!

<~~~~~~~~~~~~~peanut gallerian

I think the man should do the real pursueing. I mean a woman can flirt, let a man know she is interested by flirting, or smiles. But a man should do the asking out. I guess I'm from the old school.

Well Brandi I have to say that the message doesnt get accross with just flirting and batting eyes. Or maybe thats just the guys i've been around...but Lord if your not blunt they just dont get it. Yes I have been upfront with this guy about how i feel about him and yes..i've taken crap from him for way too long now...and yes..my heart is broken...but he went on saying that he did have feelings for me bla bla bla...what a jerk......well...i guess it just depends on they guy and the girl and on whatever else factors into what makes dating work.....
thanks for the pointers....ahhhh!! i need a date! hehehehe

Erin Grace

Of course women can pursue men!! It's the 21 century not the stone age As you said Erin, most guys just don't GET IT and if the woman doesn't do anything there won't be a relationship at all..............

aleina

Is it socially acceptable? Yeah...it's encouraged now days because of all the women's empowerment groups. Is there anything morally wrong with it? Well, I guess it depends on how far you go to pursue him. I don't have time tonight, but will find some scriptures if I can.

Even if I can't, I'm very very old fashioned and believe that the guy should make the first move in most cases. I don't think there is anything wrong with doing most of the above listed things such as letting him know you are interested since some guys wouldn't have a clue unless you told them. But anything beyond that I disagree with. I don't believe in the woman being the one who courts the man. I think that God designed it to be the other way around...again, that could be more my own personal preference more than anything based on scripture, but I'll see if I can find something on it after I have had some sleep.

I agree Michelle, I'm old fashioned in that way too. There are some men though who you could just go up to and say I've got a thing for you and plant a kiss on them; but it might scare them. I like a man who a least takes the chance because it shows guts and nine out of ten times what woman would not like that? I guess men these days don't won't to be turned down, or they have no guts. I just know there is no way that I'm asking a man out, THAT IS HIS JOB! Maybe I should brush up on my flirting skills. You men out there tell us what gets your attention? We could use your help guys.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by foreverchanged:
Is it socially acceptable? Yeah...it's encouraged now days because of all the women's empowerment groups.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Oh, you must mean Femi-Nazi's

But, seriously, as a guy, I wouldn't mind it if I found out a girl liked me. In fact, I would definently know how interested she was if she took the time to come to me and tell me personally. That would show that she was willing to be embarresed, but then I know how she felt about me.

I remember once at a school dance, I was dancing with a friend who said that another one of her friends had a huge crush on me, but she couldn't say who it was because her friend was a little embarresed about it. The only thing that I could think was "Is she embarresed about likeing me cause she's shy or because of who I am?" That right there just didn't sit right in my mind. I know who the girl is now (I think), but she still hasn't talked to me.

The point of my story is: If you like the guy, and you feel the relationship would work and/or you think God wants you together, go ahead and make the first move. There is nothing wrong with it as far as I know.

Well.....As a weakness of mine which in itself is totally another story, I fall very deeply in love. I mean it takes a while but when I love someone, no part of me holds back. Which Im not sure if its a weakness because extream love can only be a gift from God but i think it gets me into alot of trouble and heartache.....so, a guy will always be told that he is liked. I hate that feeling of "What If". you know.."What would have happened IF i had told him? Maybe he would have liked me IF I had told him."....I always take my chances.....but im a little slow when it comes to figuring out how far i would go to let him know.

Erin Grace

Well... as we all know, I'm new to the dating/relationship scene.
That being said, I think it depends on the type of guy he is. Is he old fashion? With the times? Or do you not know?

I'd like to think that I'm pretty straight forward when it comes to telling people how I feel. Consider telling him and leave it open ended--so if he's not interested, he has a way out without feeling like a jerk for turning you down. For instance:

"Look, I like you a lot, I'm really attracted to you. I'd love to hang out with you--and if it turns out that we're just good friends, that works. If not, that works too."

Socially it's probably encouraged, but not accepted--if that makes any sense at all. You have the feminists who tell you, "Hey... it's 2002. Go get 'em tiger." And then everyone else who thinks girls shouldn't be so forward--but girly and sweet--and leave the work to the boys. I guess in the end it comes down to you--what YOU think is acceptable.

Very very true....well the guy has been one of my best friends for a year now....GO FIGURE! IF only God would just HAND my soul mate over to me....hehehe i guess we'd miss out on all the fun of dating failure and heartache....wow..

Erin Grace

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Ashley:
You have the feminists who tell you, "Hey... it's 2002. Go get 'em tiger." And then everyone else who thinks girls shouldn't be so forward--but girly and sweet--and leave the work to the boys.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Over here, you don't have to be a feminist to say "go get 'em tiger." The whole "girls should be pretty and quiet" is something the majority considers ridiculous/conservative/degrading - be who you want to be whether you are a man or a woman I don't call myself a feminist, I want us to be EQUAL - as opposed to many feminists who seem to want a matriarchal society

I respect your opinions, that you think the guy should take the first step. At least we have a choice nowadays, it's not something we HAVE to live by But I also think this is related to culture and tradition more than religion.

aleina

I'm probably recapping some points from other posts, but I think there has to be a limit to the extent in which you make yourself "known" to a man.

There are some huge differences between being friends for a year and then becoming romantically involved.

I don't hesitate to pick up the phone for a friendly ring to a man when our relationship is purely platonic. I would probably have an anxiety attack if I was actually calling someone that I had an interest in romantically. I think there's a fear of rejection that I have, but as far as whether or not it's acceptable, I think it is. And Erin, in your case, it's totally different as you have already developed a relationship, and you have probably established some boundaries without even realizing it.

I have known some men to be clueless when it comes to "love" and relationships and they would never pick up on subtle hints. I have also known others to be shy and if not approached would never had made the first move.

I think inviting a man out for coffee or to a film, or sports event is cool. I would hesitate to do it a second time though. I feel that once you've opened the door, it's then up to them to follow through. Once they know that you have a desire to be more than friends, your relationship immediately changes. Personally, I would never be the person to always do the inviting, unless it was in a group situation and it was with an understanding that it wasn't another "date" kind of thing.

Sometimes people need a little push, but for me, I don't think it should be a shove...

Another idea Erin, would be to send him a copy of Bonnie Rait's "Let's give 'em something to talk about"

I love that song! Well I think im just willing to put up with ALOT of crap and alot of waiting which isnt good.....but you guys make great points....thanks!!!!!!!

Erin Grace