Ok I need to vent about this....

I went out yesterday with some former coworkers. We listened to music, talked and some of us had a beer. We usually discuss pretty heavy stuff like politics, religion, work ethics and the meaning of life in general. Now this guy, I have known him for like ten years, he felt the need to proclaim his undying love for me. I used to like and respect him because he was always nice to me and stuff. But now, bleeech.... He continued to tell me how much he loved me, that I was so intelligent and that we would be so good together. I told him I didn't like him that way. Then he started to be really close and touchy if you know what I mean... What the heck (sorry) do you do?? I told him to stop and that what he did was totally inappropriate. But no he didn't listen so one of our friends had to take him outside. When they came back, he got so drunk that he fell asleep and his friend had to get a cab for him to get him home...

Turns out he and his g/f broke up after some 16(!) years and he is all desperate now because he feels old and his brothers already have families etc I still feel rather disgusted but I also feel sorry for him. He doesn't know me well enough to really love me and I tried to tell him that. I know none of what happened is my fault but I'm the one feeling bad! Ok he prob has a nice hangover today but I doubt that he remembers anything..... I even prayed for him when I got home because I think he could use some divine help.

And all this because of this thing called love?? What's the point of being in love with someone when that person doesn't feel the same way?? What a waste..... or is there smth to learn from it, and if so what???



aleina

Girl, if I had the answer to that question, I'd be rich....or God.

I have been on both sides of the coin and neither side is fun to be on. But possibly now that I have experienced both types of pain, I will be more understanding if I ever do come in contact with the situation...and maybe know how to act/not to act.

Aside from having a growing experience (along with a big heartache) I'm not really sure what the use is in "falling" for someone who doesn't feel the same way. Maybe that's one of those questions I'll only understand after I'm done here on earth...little late then, don'tya think???!

I wish that we could control our feelings...there have been guys who I have "fallen for" that I tried really hard not to feel "that way" about them...nothing about a relationship between us would have made sense and it was quite obvious that they didn't feel the same way I did...one of those instances ended up in some huge mistakes...(we were best friends and spoke on the phone with each other for hours every day for a year and he knew how I felt but didn't feel the same way). One day he just got lonely enough and invited me over. Me, being the idiot that I was thought that he had "finally seen the light" and that he raelized that because of all my faithfullness to him for the past year that I was really the one for him. Our relationship turned from close intimate frienship to nothing but sex.

It ended soon after that when we just stopped talking to each other...sad. It was a beatiful friendship. The point is that he just wanted a friend, and I tried so hard just to want friendship. Had I been able to turn off some kind of switch at the beginning of our relationship, when he got lonely and invited me over the first time, I may have been strong enough to say no and who knows? Our friendship may have lasted...But no. I couldn't control that feeling...(not just hormones I'm talking about here...I really cared deeply for this guy).

There was another who I tried really hard not to feel that way, but couldn't help it...and rather than keep my mouth shut, I was selfish and pushed the issue...and as a result it put a strain on a friendship that was really just starting. I still regret it to this day, because we may have been really good friends...but instead I feel more comfortable at a distance. If only I could just find that switch that says "fall for him"/ "don't fall for him"!!! Where is it???!

And there have been those times where the sweetest guys would be head over heels and everything about the relationship would make sense...and some of them I acutally tried to feel "that way" for...but I just didn't. I felt a little guilty...and it sucked.

The ones that managed to suck it up and tell me that my friendship was valuable enough to them that if all I wanted was a friendship...well, we remained friends much longer...some of them I still talk to and some of them not. The ones who just couldn't leave it alone...I had to be blunt and just avoid contact with them...or else they just sorta got embarassed and dropped contact with me.

I don't know what it is about a person that can make you feel so drawn to them that you genuinely feel as if you are maybe not in love with them, but that you think you could be really easily...even if you don't know them very well. Possibly it is that they (upon first impression) fit some sort of subconscious mold that you have made in your head for your mate...or perhaps you are just lonely and desparate and the first person of the opposite sex who comes along that you are remotely attracted to becomes the object of your affection...

It remains a mystery to me...sorry for the long rambling story with no answers!!

LOL!! True

It's strange that a person can have a huge crush on someone, be sure that you have so much in common and really think you would be so good together... Then that same someone totally rejects you!! Apparently the infatuation makes you blind... and that person wasn't so good for you after all... So why do we fall for the wrong ones over and over again? Are we afraid of the right one? Or is it that we want the things we can't have and therefor we go for someone who is unattainable? <-- been there done that

Maybe it's better to start off as really good friends? I mean if you get involved but there is no friendship in it, it won't last...

Yesterday, after that guy had left *pheww*, I had this discussion with another guy. We talked about relationships (he is single too) and what we want in a partner. Seems like both of us have high standards, and we haven't found anyone who comes close to what we wish for... So he asked me if I was a searcher... and I said yes... and then I realized I have an ambition when it comes to finding a man, same as with work and stuff I think I've gone about it all wrong in the past and I've decided to find someone with the same interests, way of thinking, sense of humor and view of God before I even think about falling in love. I think it's basically about knowing yourself first. If you are content with who you are, maybe you won't be so desperate to find someone? And then it's easier to avoid all those wrong ones......

aleina

I think you hit the mark right there...I don't know if that will help you so much avoid the wrong ones...becuase even people who are happy with who they are occaisionally find themselves unhappy in their relationships...but it will keep you from bouncing from person to person. It will take the desperation factor out so that you aren't rushing things and you can get to know the person before feeling like you have to cement the relationship. If I would have been secure in my friendships with some of my guy friends instead of wanting to hold on so tight, I think that some of them may have lasted longer...and visa versa...if some of the guy friends who I've had were secure in thier friendship with me and hadn't crowded me so terribly and felt the need to own me exclusively, they may have lasted, and who knows? Possibly gone a bit farther.

You have to be friends first. I'm not trying to step on toes or [censored] anyone off, but I find it a little disturbing that you can marry someone before you've even had time to become friends...before you have had time to go through a few arguments/spats...because if you get into a relationship with someone and that relationship is nothing but wine and roses...something is wrong. One or both of you is not being real (either that or you're both wimps who have no oppinion and are just so willing to compromise any value for the others sake), or you have ended up with a second version of yourself in which case the relationship is going to get really monotonous after a while...

The point is not to try and cement the relationship in stone before you have a foundation laid...if you do, things are gonna get really tough. Not like I'm a relationship expert or anything...lol Possibly I'm just going on past mistakes...I could write a book "What NOT to do..." about all the screw ups I've made (which is sad becaue I'm only 23 and could very well have a long line of screw ups ahead of me! )

But I have determined that I have to love myself before I can give someone else the love they deserve...and before I can let them love me the way that I deserve to be loved! I deserve to be loved and cherished just as much as my future mate deserves my love and respect and affection...and I have a hard time believing that somtimes...

I'm on a long road to recovery full of pitfalls and speedbumps and detours...but I am on that road. So yes...what you said above is very vital to finding a healthy relationship and avoiding unhealthy ones.

Love yourself first. Realize that God created you because you were worth something to Him. (and as Allen is famous for saying "God don't make junk".) Believe it and live it...and then you leave the rest up to God. When He is ready and when He knows you are ready, He will send Mr./Mrs. right your way...If you rush him, tho...He has to let you fall on your face sometimes.

And it hurts!!!

About this thing called love!
When I going to school to learn to cut hair, there was this man who I guess had this thing for me. Well at first it was small little comments, then it got to where it grabed me. Well one time is an accident, but twice well; I don't go for that when I don't know you that the well. So when he did that I pushed him up against the table and told him don't ever do that again. I asked his friend what is his deal, he said he loves you. Well excuse me but he can't love me if he does not respect me. Even then the man still would not leave me alone, I had to tell the teachers at the school to get him to leave me alone. That is the first time that I got scared like that. The man was a pervert. I think he wanted me just because I had never been with a man. He just wanted what he could not have. The teachers made him get down on his knees and say sorry. You had to be there. It was so funny, to see this arrogent man do that! I had to leave school shortly after that just because of him and the people there.

That's not love, that's harassment!!! I left a handprint or two on the faces of some co-workers back in my fast-food days.

Short strange story...

When I worked at the cafe, there was this little guy who would come in every morning for coffee. We would talk a little, but not about anything really serious. Well, I invited him to Stand one time because I knew he was lonely. I made it very clear that friendship was the only thing I wanted. Actually said that I was not looking for a relationship with anyone but God at the time.

But I gave him my number and told him to only call me if he needed directions...

Well, he called...and he made it out to stand...and then the next morning (I was the cafe manager so I had to open the store by myself)...when I got there to unlock the door, he was there waiting for me. I didn't say anything, but I walked in...and from that morning on, he would be standing at the door waiting for me when I got there.

It progressively got worse...he would stay for half of my shift most of the time, sometimes all of it...or he would leave when it got busy and then come back before I got off...

He ended up making it to stand every time I went...and every stand function that I went to, he was there...then he got on line and every time I got on the stand site he seemed to be there....endless private messages, I literally couldn't go anywhere without him being there...except for home and church.

I went to the mall one afternoon and he was there...Don't know if he followed me or if he overheard me telling someone I would be there later...

When he asked me how to get to the church I went to, I was almost frantic. That would mean the only place I could go where he wouldn't be was home.

It was in the middle of summer, and it was very hot...and my car air conditioner had been broken...but my dad had just fixed it, when it went out again.

My dad looked at it that day before I headed to the cafe, and he told me that it was just the fan belt.

Well, this guy overheard me telling someone about it...I saw him get up and rush out, and he came back an hour later all sweaty with dirt and oil all over his face.

I asked him what on earth he had been doing, and he told me "It's finished!" With a big smile on his face...

"What's finished"? I asked.

"Your fan belt! I replaced it!"

OMG..that was sweet...in a psycho sort of way!

Well, he ended up making it to a church service, and so I felt completely trapped...I was trying to find a way to tell him that he was really crowding my space, when he asked me via private message if he could call me since he had my phone number and all...

I had had enough. I finally let him have it and told him that he was making me very uncomfortable an that I felt as if he was pushing his way into my life...he told me that he was sorry and he said that he still wanted to be friends, but he only showed up a few times after that to save face, I think...and then he stopped coming around alltogether. *whew*

That was not love. That was obsession...

Some people can't tell the difference between love and a warped form of abuse...it's a little scary.

Brandi, that's gross..... It's hard to respect someone like that.... I know I won't see that guy I mentioned, as my friend anymore - can't respect him if he doesn't respect me. He totally crossed the line *bleech* Sure it was nice when he left, but it was also kinda sad seeing him all drunk sad and half asleep. Don't wanna use the word pathetic but that's what I'm thinking......


You have to be friends first. I'm not trying to step on toes or [censored] anyone off, but I find it a little disturbing that you can marry someone before you've even had time to become friends...
Yeah I can't understand that! Marriage is not a game... it should be respected and taken seriously!

"God don't make junk".
LOL how true

If you rush him, tho...He has to let you fall on your face sometimes.
Did you HAVE to say that???

aleina

Yup, harassment... what makes some people do that because they THINK they love (not that they know what love is though) someone?? It's scary like you said Michelle - and psychotic!

I didn't want to hit him so I yelled at him and all our friends heard me

Eeeek. In the words of Michelle, "Short strange story."

I met this guy in the lunch line (Where I meet almost everyone I know.) and his first line was "Wow! Was your father zues, cause he stole the stars and put them in your eyes." Now I thought, cheeseball, but I would never ever say that. So I just laughed it off, got my turkey sandwhich, and forgot about him.

Well, two periods later, I get a call from the office "Can you please have Ashley come down to the attendance office." So I went, thinking there was a problem with the detention I served (for being late to class, mind you.) a few days before. So I get there and there's that boy. I asked what they needed me for and he said, "oh, don't worry about it... I just wanted to talk to you." (We have this class in school that allows you to do office work for the kids who need another credit.) I explained that this was a very important class, and I couldn't afford to miss any of it and was on my way.

The bell rang and I was off to my next class, and there he was, waiting by my next class. I asked how he knew where my class was and he informed me that he'd looked up my schedule. One word came to mind. Stalker. This continued for about a week. When he started calling me. He wouldn't tell me how he got my phone number. This is when I started to get more than a little nervous. I informed my brothers what was going on. They both confronted him and told him if he didn't leave me alone they'd permanantly imprint their shoe size on his lip (Something along those lines.). I didn't see him again.

Then... Now get this!--Two months ago, he was arrested and charged with the rape of a thirteen year old.


Seems like we get all the weirdos, eh?

Tell me about it!!! I used to think I must have a sign that said "stalk me" tattoed on my butt.

There was this one kid (this was a couple years ago...) I was 21, he was 16...about to be 17. Well, he came in the cafe blown out of his mind on heroine and was showing everyone his track marks and crying and begging for someone to help him. He was tired of doing this to himself and he wanted help. Well, I didn't happen to have many guy friends, but the ones I did know I didn't have their numbers with me...so I gave him my parent's number and told him to call and I would give him the numbers of some guy friends who he could talk to.

Yes, I know at this point I must stop the story and say that I have learned a valuable lesson -- do not give your phone number out unless you see yourself wanting that person to call you more than once...

Back to the story...he did call me that night and talked about how he had seen his father kill himself when he was 12 years old after he had seen his siter raped and beaten before his eyes and he had no way of helping her. His story was very touching...and he told me of how he had been an addict of every drug immaginable...he listed drugs I'd never heard of and described thier effects...and he told me of his endless cycle of self destruction...next time I saw him I looked very closely at his arms and saw marks of self mutillation and needle marks amidst the tatoos.

Well, it was 2am when I got home from the cafe to talk to him because at the time we didn't close until 1:30 am...so I listened to him rather than refer him to someone else just for the night because I knew none of my guy friends would appreciate being awakened to hear a kid whine about his drug addicion...

So at the end of our conversation we began to talk about God...and I told him that God had a plan for his life and that it wasn't an accident that he was still alive...and we prayed right there that God would be able to turn his life around and use his story to help others someday.

Well, the next day he showed up at my job with love letters and pictures that he had drawn for me. He was part german, so one of the letters that he wrote was entitled "My Angel" only in German...and he wrote about his undyinig love for the light that had shone into the darkness of his life...blah blah blah.

I felt just awful and told him that it wasn't me, but it was God that had helped him get through the night and that it was God who would help him beat this addiction.

He told me that he couldn't do it without me...a few weeks later when he was still sober he told me that I was the reason he had stayed clean and that I really was his savior.

I was so distraught. I had just tried to help. I wasn't trying to be anyone's angel or savior. I told him that, but I was trying to use kid gloves because I now felt responsible for his sobriety (which is the #1 reason why in addiction situations you HAVE to do the male-male female-female counseling and no co-ed stuff). I knew that I had unintentionally broken the rules and felt so guilty that I anguished over it until I made myself sick.

I prayed to God that He knew my heart and that I had only done his to try to help...after all, I had told the boy that I had some numbers of guys who could talk to him...gave him the numbers, but he insisted on calling me because I knew his story and he was comfortable with me.

I prayed that God would help me out of this since He knew that I had done it only out of pure motives...and the very next day the guy told me he was moving to Houston.

He did ask me to marry him and move with him. "I'll raise your daguther as my own," he said...as he had a job lined up as a bartender.

I told him that wasn't the direction that God had pointed me in, and with that we parted ways.

Well, last year (not even a full year ago)...I had another job. I had been working there for several months when all of the sudden someone came in my office in the back and told me I had a visitor.

It was him. I don't know how he found me...but he did. He told me he was moving back in town and asked if I knew a church he could start going to. I told him that I knew of a church and that I was planning to go...he asked me if I could give him a ride. I [reluctantly] said yes.

Lemmie stop the story again and tell you that I learned another valuable lesson and will never do that again.

Back to story...

I got to his apartment to pick him up and there stands him with another guy who was clearly stoned. The both got in the car, and I drove them to church frozen with fear the whole time. He sat next to me at church and kept putting his arm around my shoulder. I would just turn and give him a dirty look and move away.

After church I backed away from him after introducing him to some friends to talk to, and I begged a few people to ride with me when I went to go bring these two guys home.

Nobody could do it, and I was pretty scared...everyone else either thought I was stupid and that I had got myself into this mess I could get myself out or they thought there was no real threat. A few people just chuckled and said good luck...

So out I went. On the way back to his apartment I found out that he had been in jail for a year and that he had prayed every day that he was in jail that this moment would happen and that we would be reunited and be together forever. He asked me to move in with him. I told him no...and I pulled up to the front of his apartment complex under the light where the security guard could see us and pretty much pleaded with him to get out of the car. He argued with me for a while that we were meant to be together...I felt a little violated that he had prayed that I would be his forever...and I also felt a little violated when he said that God had told him that I was the one for him. I knew that God hadn't told him that, but he was pretty darn convinced.

Well, finally, by the grace of God and some very heavy silent prayers on my part, he got out of my car and I sped home sick to my stomach the whole way home.

Truely this guy was obsessed with me...

I found out later from the girl that lived in his apartment complex that he had pictures of me in his bedroom. How he got them, I will never know.

He would just show up at work once in a while, but I warned most of the people up front that if they saw him to please tell him I wasn't there.

He finally stopped coming around (so I thought)...but he spotted me one day at the store (I just need to quit going to the mall) and he followed me for about 10 minutes at a distance...he thought I hadn't noticed. I ducked into the first store I could find that he would look out of place (which happened to be Fredricks of Hollywood! ) And he passed by. I went straight to my car, but I realized that he must have been following me almost from the time I got there because his car followed me out of the parking lot and onto the street where I lost him because he got stuck in traffic.

Fortunatley he never found out where I lived...

I've often wonderd why God lets things like that happen...when you are only trying to help.

I've grown up a little since then too, and realize that there is wisdom that you have to use as well as compassion, but I just feel this need to fix everyone...gets me into alot of trouble sometimes...

I decided a little while ago I need to fix myself first and maybe I won't be a freak magnet??! I don't know...maybe I always will be...seems like I always attract the freaky obsessive stalker types, date the "I don't care who you are and what you do as long as you're meeting my needs" type, and repel the normal type...(what's normal anyway...boring, eh??? :tipsy) I try to tell myself it's not me...I just haven't run across the right type yet. LOL. Wonder what type that is, and if it exists???

"that said "stalk me" tattoed on my butt."


ROFLOL

I know where u are...... I am parked outside........ I am rooting through your garbage........ LOLOLOL (feel better???)


Just kidding though. there are tons of creeps out there that let their flesh rule their whole lives.

They must see that during those times you aren't wearing Christian t-shirts or nuthin...

I can say I know a little of how you girls feel when people corner you. It has happened to me twice in the last six months, once at work at the hospital and once at church. These 2 ocassions I walked away from people to avoid a confrontation and they continued to follow me, didn't matter where I went. Cornered, both times I felt panic and red flashed before my eyes.... the closest I have ever come to striking out... it was like terror. Neither of these people were particularly physically threatening, but it was like I had nowhere to turn for relief. My heart froze, and panic set in...

Sorry! I didn't know you were trying to get away from me...I must have mistaken your fists twitching in rage for a motion to come hither?!!

Wow...I don't now why, but it's hard to see you finding much of anyone a physical threat lol. But, yeah...that's sortof how you feel..."nowhere to turn for relief" is a good way of putting it. You feel as if your personal space has been invaded...you're a little panicy, afraid, and alot angry. Add the possible physical threat and you've got a pretty accurate description...it's a bad feeling...

Steve...lol I see you out the window...what you don't know is that I have a bodyguard...Don't know his real name, but we call him "bruiser"...or is it "killer" ? Oh well, you'll find out in a minute...he's on his way downstairs now!

Tuck your head between your knees, and be prepared for the butt whippin' you're about to recieve.