I was talking to some of our friends about this just last night.... Many people feel that because His Heart and I are getting married that we are not wanting to be "on the list" of doing things with our single friends. That's not so. We love each and everyone of you-- well most of the time .

I noticed that my life had gotten off course a tad about a year ago. I found I was more interested in going to the movies, playing sports, or just hanging out instead of growing TRUE relationships with friends and especially God.

I realized that the few "true friends" that God has blessed me with are those that I had to dig down past the first couple of layers and set the "foundation" on the "ROCK." What I mean is the friendship foundations that were formed on Christ's teachings (by prayer groups, worship circles, and accountability groups) have "weathered the storms" that pop up. The ones that were formed by "movie night" or "bowling", "volleyball" etc to quote a scripture in Luke "Have been beaten vehemently and immediately fell."

I am not saying not to have fun, I am just saying I think you are on the right path filling it with God and anytime you want to help each other build more foundations call us.

Luv ya

innerdawg

I may be wrong about this Whit-Dawg, but from my "vast" seven months of marriage experience, I tend to realize that we as now a married couple do more things with married couples. We still keep in touch with our single friends and some have come all the way out here to California to see us and hang with us. But really, married couples tend to hang with other married couples their age, and couples with one child tend to gravitate toward others couples with one child, and so on.

Not saying that you wont hang out with your single friends and such, it just seems that you tend to hang with people who have more things in comomon, and life tends to change when you are married, and I have found that our single friends find themselves at a loss when trying to talk about the "you know what i mean" 's of life with us now that we are married.

best of luck

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by whit-Dawg:
.... Many people feel that because His Heart and I are getting married that we are not wanting to be "on the list" of doing things with our single friends. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I haven't felt that of you or His Heart. If anything I have seen that the two of you are rather involved with the singles circle. (That sounds bad...SINGLES CIRCLE )

And if it's any consolation, I feel that couples should spend one on one together and interact with other happily married couples.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by anangelsarms:
I have found that our single friends find themselves at a loss when trying to talk about the "you know what i mean" 's of life with us now that we are married.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Are you grouping divorcees as single friends? (Just curious; not patronizing)

No, I was saying that when you are single, as my sister and best friend are, when they want to sit and talk and discuss say, things that are out-of-whack or just shoot the breeze on what life is bringing them, the things they complain about are not the same ones we do now. single life has its own set of ups and downs, and so does married life. we have friends who are single, single and older, and single (divorced), but the things we do say on weekends isnt the same. we cant go to clubs and dance or even go get drinks after work, we have to plan our holidays around kids now, and have no idea what is "out there" whereas we did more so when we were single. we are not wanting to lose touch with our single lives, i think i still have some "zing" in me, even though i am planning ot be a mom come december, but more so, our single friends seem to get a little bored with us now. my sister even said her visit was suepr fun, it was like coming to grandma's, we played board games and cooked supper ....

see what i mean ?

After hearing all of the drama my girlfriends are going through with their so called "boyfriends", I have only one thing to say:

I AM SOOOO HAPPY THAT I AM SINGLE!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"> Originally posted by a girl:

they will use you when you are weak and they are feeling weak. It ends up giving both of you instant gratification, but the difference there is that after the fact, he feels better, and you feel like dirt
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">arghhh.. why is it when a guy and a girl "get together" it is " being used by the guy "? Do they not both get something out of the arrangement? Otherwise it would be called rape.

Sorry, had to get that out... girls willingly play the victim when they are more co-horts to the crime.

and yes, that was the question I was talking about earlier... ladies, you may commence the stoning.

I always hated being the one to cast the first stone...

...but I guess that I will post and should any other girl be composing at the same time...oh well...

When a woman and a man get together it is usually both adults making a choice and consenting to it. I don't think that's the problem...I think the differences are seen in the motives behind the decision. For me, being a Christian, the decision to sleep with someone outside of marriage would be one that is not easily reached. If I did decide that I wanted to take that step, it would be because I felt that this man was the person that I wanted to have a future with. My choices are made having a long-term relationship in mind. Men, usually, are not looking at the long term. Not to say that some don't, but I think the majority of men are looking at it as an "opportunity". That word may sound callous, and I'm sure there are some men who genuinely care for the woman, but in most cases, it's for the purpose of having sex, or possibly just the need for intimacy at that moment in time. Afterwards, the men have been satisfied...(their expectations realized). For the woman, if the relationship doesn't progress, they are not satisfied and their expectations were not realized, and they feel used. I think it's all about what expectations we put on the other person. Maybe if the relationship was more clearly defined prior to sex, it would make things a whole lot easier...

Soo... are you saying women use sex to entice a man into a long-term relationship? How is that any better or any more honest for that matter?

You may begin throwing more now.

Just want to add some input since I was the girl who posted that. You completely ignored the fact that I said that I was willing to be used. When you put that in the context, I wasn't blaming it all on the guy. It was my choice as well, I just had different reasons than he did.

That's all.

Noooooooooo...I didn't say that at all...

I said that the idea of a long term relationship may be more "real" in the woman's mind than in the man's. She may be entering with expectations that he feels the same way, when in reality he doesn't.

Now about girls using sex as an enticement, I will be the first to admit that is how I used to see it. I have only recently changed the way I look at sex outside of marraige, and I have posted about it in other threads. It is not a way to keep a relationship alive, nor is it the way to build one. I have learned that through experiences past, and things that I am still experiencing.

When most -- NOT ALL -- but most girls are intimate, it is because they feel the hope that there is something that will last for a long time, if not forever. Some of us are/were foolish enough to believe that if we gave that part of ourselves away, it would show the man that we were really ready to trust him with that part of us, thus hoping that he would be more willing to open up to us in emotional areas.

Sick way of thinking, I know...and I am glad I have, for the most part, grown out of that. I say for the most part, because just last night I was dumb enough to put myself in a compromising position thinking that I was cool headed enough to handle it. I knew better, but I did it anyway...needless to say, I almost got in trouble. Didn't, but could have, and I hated myself for the rest of the night. It was foolish and immature, and I learned from it. Won't make that mistake again, and now I understand why you aren't supposed to do that. I'm one who usually has to learn the hard way for some reason.

Anyway, yes...your assumption was correct, Allen. When it comes to sex, women do it usually because they think it is what he wants in order to sortof consumate a relationship. Not that we don't do it for fun too, and not that we don't enjoy it (when done right ), but during my sexually active days, that was my basic reasoning. Doesn't make it right, and I disagree with it now...but I did it because I figured if I gave him what he wanted, he would be more apt to stick around.

Where does the feeling "used" come in tho? Are they not both "using" each other.. even if for different means?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by embie:

I said that the idea of a long term relationship may be more "real" in the woman's mind than in the man's. She may be entering with expectations that he feels the same way, when in reality he doesn't. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">hmmmm.... sounds like a "lack of communication" on the girl's part then... despite what cosmo says, we men really can't read your mind

Honestly, Allen I was not using him for any reason. I thought in my warped little mind that I was in love with him and he was in love with me. At that time, I saw nothing wrong with sex outside of marraige, and since we had been so close for so long, I just saw that as the next step in our relationship.

He admitted that he was feeling lonely, and that was the reason why he called me over. Not because he had any real feelings for me whatsoever besides frienship, but I was there, and I was available. If that doesn't constitute as using someone, I don't know what does.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by foreverchanged:
Not that we don't do it for fun too, and not that we don't enjoy it (when done right ) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">.

There we go... I was afraid someone might be afraid to admit that. There's a bit more to it than "giving myself away in order to fulfill my romantic ideals of 'happily ever after'".

You're right to a certain extent, but you can't see it from a woman's perspective. Even when doing it for fun, we sometimes have the other thoughts in the back of our minds. Hence one of the reasons I am firmly in the belief that no sex should be shared outside of marraige.

If you allready have the vows and the ring, there is no real reason to have those types of concerns.

And sex is much better when you're doing it just for fun...(without the worries of trying to manipulate each other, I mean).

really? care to expound on that?

Ummmmm... No.