Well, the lack of intimacy (and to me, intimacy doesn't = sex) is a big thing for me...but fortunately, there is no one in my life that I can really go to who can take care of that for me...

It's not just the sex. It's the cuddlin on the couch...holding hands...smooching. Not really making out (though I do miss that terribly), but just being held.

I have had opportunity (though very few recently) to be in such a position with someone...and I was able to say no, only because...well, I couldn't see myself being able to have a lasting relationship with any of the prospects, and I am not one to get cuddly with someone who I'm not very close to in other ways first.

So that's not really a struggle...as far as do I give into it easily or not, because the opportunity hasn't arisen. But it is a struggle in my mind...It's one of those things that I can't help but think about now and then...and start to feel the lonliness that follows as a result of knowing that there is no one there...In order to try to offset the lonliness, all I can really do is pray and tell God just how I feel...and that I wish I didn't feel that way...and would He please help me to get my mind off of it.

Since I'm such a darn hermit, it doesn't help...I don't feel comfortable just calling people up out of the blue after not having talked to them for weeks, sometimes months and saying...hey...wanna talk? So really I just have to rely on God to help me with that lonliness struggle.

The...um...how do I put it delicately...well, raging hormones are a different story. I do struggle with my thougth life. Sometimes I give in easily, and sometimes I fight it.

I try to quickly occupy my thougths with something else...(why do you think I'm online so much??? ) turn some worship music on, or just pray. Sometimes it works, and sometimes not.

Sometimes thoughts have nothing to do with the feeling which sometimes passes quickly, and sometimes -- I won't lie -- I lay awake for hours just waiting for it to just go away.

That's when the struggle is worse for me...when my thougths honestly have nothing to do with it...and it just *happens*. Don't know what causes it or why, but it's the most frustrating thing in the world, I swear it is. Seems a bit unfair that I have no control over it sometimes...and trying to occupy my thougths does no good...and even praying sometimes doesn't seem to help...

I've never been fond of cold showers, so if anyone has any other suggestions....(keep in mind that I don't have any snow here..)

I went for a walk tonight. It was cold. I went to the college campus and knelt on the ground near the flagpole...walked up the ramp that goes above the streets and allows you to cross to the next parking lot...because I feel myself struggling more with the lonliness lately than anything else...and yet I don't feel like dealing with people...it's a catch 22 really. I just tried to get alone with God. I got really cold. That was about it.

So, Allen, after hearing from the women on this rather touchy subject...

what do you do when those sometimes unexpected situations arise?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by embie:
So, Allen, after hearing from the women on this rather touchy subject...

what do you do when those sometimes unexpected situations arise? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">What kind of unexpected situations do you mean?

I guess I mean the ones that kinda take you by surprise.

It's not always the obvious stimuli that cause a spark. Sometimes a guy will walk by and he's got some awesome cologne on... I happen to love when men smell good... if you'll excuse the pun, it's a hot button for me... nothing planned, but certainly causes a reaction. Then once the "wheels" are in motion...sheesh...it's tuff to forget...

So...when men walk by you with....oh no, that's not right....

So if something unexpected should happen to you...a pretty woman that smells wonderful... or a unexpected brush of skin...

how do you handle your responses ?

hmmmmm... While I am not immune to responses, at 38 I hope I have matured a bit in my response to them

Idda know, basically I am too shy to make a big deal out of something like that, I would really have to know you well for you to even know that I had one

My biggest stumbling block as a single Christian would probably have to be loneliness.. I have always said, if I write an autobiography, it will be titled: Party of One - cuz I hear that often when I go into restaurants. I spend too much time on the internet. I have recently begun taking more time away, so that really is getting better. I am in the gym more now, meet friends out several times/week... etc. It's a slow process

This may not be true for you, but I have found it to be so for me... being alone and having access to the net, you seem to fill in your empty time with the "love" that you get from your on-line buddies. You want to be around them, and you make it a point to log in every day to "see" them. You share your world with them and vice versa. Some you exchange photos with, some phone calls. There are common bonds and it's fun.

For the amount of bad stuff that's out here, there are also some very deep and complex relationships being formed. I have come to know and share things with net buddies that I wouldn't tell some of my closest "real-life" friends.

It's a very intriguing cycle I think...you're on-line so much cos you're alone, but you're alone because you don't allow yourself the time needed to be out meeting people in the flesh.

Odd thing it is...

But like you, I have made it a point to free up time, to plan things and meet people. Even tho I'm old, I'm hopeful...

I still need my net time tho...

Ditto everything you posted Embie!!! If it wasn't for the net - yikes, I dont wanna think about it...... No MFC site no 4 trips to meet my oversea buddies no concerts - NO MEMORIES. Internet is just a new way of communicating; and a great one at that! Embie you better log on every day so we can chat on IM about well you know

aleina

I agree with y'all.....w/out the net I would not be a boring person

-Brian

Do you think you use your "valuable net time" as a way to avoid relationships offline? Be it something you need to confront (friends, relatives, etc) or someone you should be connecting with - it's relatively safe to explore your feelings with strangers on the net, you can go to another site if you so desire...

yeah, i do that. it's alot easier to pour your heart out to someone and say "take it or leave it" because you never really know for sure...who's taking and who's leaving.

You can't see the initial reaction on their face when you reveal something about yourself that you wouldn't ordinarily tell another person...you don't see them face to face when you say something stupid, and although I still manage to put my foot in my mouth quite often here, just imagine how much more often I say stupid stuff when I'm standing face to face with someone...

I can't have an intellegent conversation face to face with many people because I'm so darn insecure...it's hard for me to get comfortable enough with anyone to really open up and talk...most people think I'm either really snotty or snobby or just plain wierd, because I'll say a few words and then run off like a bat out of you know where becuase I can't bear the akward silence, and yet I can't handle a barrage of questions either.

On the net I have plenty of time to think about my responses before I make them...

I can hide behind my little computer screen and not worry whether I'm being understood or accepted because I don't even have to necessarily know that you're reading what I'm writing...unless you chose to reply.

Does it satisfy the way a friendship...a real friendship does? Well, no...but mine don't seem to last long anyway, so what the heck? My online relationships seem to last longer so I guess in a way they are almost as fulfilling...and a tad less painful. Is it healthy? Prolly not. Do I really have the...will power to change that right now?

Not so much...

So does this impede our growth as adults? Building transient relationships with face-to-face people because we tend to be more shallow so as to not get hurt? I think one leads to the other...

shallowness <<->> transient

None of this is to say we must drop our friendships on the net - I do think we can build true friendships/relationships on the net - I am just not sure how much shutting out the people living in our own town is healthy...

I miss hands...

hands that hold, hands that caress and hands that run through hair...

Just stirring the Pot...

How's everybody hanging in there?

A the point right now where I know it would be nice to have someone, and yet I know it would be a burden too...especially if I settled on someone just because I was afraid something better will never come along.

I'm slowly starting to admit to myself again that I actually deserve someone who is all that I have prayed for in the past (in the big things anyway). No, he doesn't really have to look just like Brad Pitt...but he does have to be the strong leader and man of God that I know God has set aside for me. Not perfect by any means...but striving to be pure with a heart to reach others.

We've got to share the same heart, (not literally ) or it's over before it started...

And so I'm honestly for the first time in a long time, content to be single and waiting. I still have alot of growing up to do, and I still have that impatient streak in me that says "if you don't start looking now, you'll never find someone"...and there's still the whole lonliness issue, and the lust issue...they will never go away I'm afraid. But I am more than a conqueror. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And I deserve no less now during the midst of my weakest time than I did during my most empowered times in Christ. My worth has not changed, God's grace has not changed, and His plan for my life is still intact.

I had to say that more for me than for anyone else...thanks for the opportunity.

I haven't read sweeter words in a long time...

Thank you Lord for Michelle...Continue to strengthen her and fix Your Holy Spirit to do a might work in and through her...

Psalm 5:3
In the morning, O Lord , you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I've been working on this post for the last week or so, trying to formulate the words in my mind so that it makes sense and doesn't sound too desperate. I trust you all and know that even in my insecurities, you all will be straight with me. I would really appreciate your thoughts.

I work with a man that is 39, single, (never been married) extremely handsome and very intelligent. The best part is he's not gay
We relate on so many levels, but are miles apart on others. Such is life and that's what makes relationships interesting.

When I was younger and there was nothing ahead but future, dating and messing around with "love" wasn't so important. There was lots of time to settle down. Whether you were dating the "right" one wasn't the first thing I thought about.

But what about now? I'm 40 something I'm a single Christian woman with 2 children, pets and baggage. The prospects for marriage are much different than they used to be.

When I think of this man and till death do you part...I just can't see it. There are things about him and the way he does things that make me feel less than confident. But on the other hand he is a decent guy with a good heart...

OK...Here's the question...

Do I start a relationship with someone that I hope to change? (I know that's not gonna work). Do I hang on to a person cos there isn't anyone else? (Not fair) Do I just enjoy the fellowship but be clear that there really isn't a future?
Do I ignore the idea that I would no longer need cold showers?

I've got a lot of thoughts on this, but I'm saving them for a better time. I'll come back later to this...the one thing I do have to say here is that it's completely unfair to that other person to expect to change them (even if you want to change them but know it's hopeless). You'll get frustrated because you have the same person sitting before you in ten years that you had ten years ago, and you'll resent him for the fact that he didn't change (even though you knew he wouldn't in the first place).

Not only is it unfair to him, but it is also unfair to you. You would be settling for less than God's best for you. I don't know about anybody else here, but I'm tired of settling. I'm sick and tired of trying to do it my own way...cause God will let you do it your way if you are stubborn enough, and he'll sigh and watch you fall flat you your butt, and then he'll pick you up and put you back on course and say "now mind doin' it my way this time?"

I'm sick of falling on my butt, sick of prioritizing the wrong things in my life....yes I get lonely, and yes when I meet guys it's not like it was before...in the back of your mind you sometimes get that fleeting thought when you pass a stranger..."wonder if my mate's gonna look like him" or something strange like that. You get sick of cold showers, and all that too.

I have a video I want you to watch, embie. It really helped me realize some stuff about being a single female that blew my mind. Granted, I don't agree with everything this lady said, but most of it was so right on that it was scary...so I'll see about maybe sending it to you for you to watch and you can send it back when you're through...

Anyway, I said too much, and now I have to be to work in 5 minutes. Good thing I only live 3 minutes away from my job.

I would love to see that video and I hope your better time to post isn't too long away...

I will soon be having a new address so I will PM you that info...thank you in advance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">
I work with a man that is 39, single, (never been married) extremely handsome and very intelligent. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">we don't work together...

The only person you can change is yourself... You must decide where your priorities lie and what you would be willing to give up to make something like this work.

Notice I didn't say compromise... give up.

You can only change yourself, you can't go into a relationship expecting the other person to change - if it happens that they are willing to compromise in the future, that's just gravy

So in essence...

whatcha see is whatcha get...right?

I believe that there are some things that are ingrained in us from our childhood, from our life's experiences, and some of those things are not easily changed, no matter how hard we try.

I think I would be making a mistake in trying to fool myself into believing that it's all gonna work out, just like in the movies...

I had an awesome marriage that ended in pain and we started out in total love...I can't think that starting a new relationship with so much doubt could end up any better...

Que sera, sera...

...and no...we don't work together...(I don't think either of us could survive it...)