I'm doing well.
I haven't been around the web much lately...decided to take some time off to "find myself" I guess you could say...sounds a bit flaky, I know...but I have spent my entire life trying to be the person that everyone wanted me to be, and I got lost somewhere in there! Found it tough to make any big decisions on my own...hated answering questions about what I want...things like that. So I've decided to get to know myself...my likes and dislikes. Take the time out to eat right, sleep a little extra, spend more time with my baby...ect. It all sounded a little selfish to me at first, but I realized this: If I keep trying spread myself thin (even for a good reason) then the quality of my giving will decrease. If I make sure that I take care of me, I will have more to give. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I'm so glad you told me the story of your boyfriend. I mean, EX boyfriend. Good for you. GO GOD!!!! See, I am going to be very honest and very blunt. I can't believe I'm saying this out loud, or rather typing it for everyone to see, but I have thought about it all day, and I guess your above post was sortof a "go ahead" for me to say it.
When I got saved and gave my life over to God, I found that there were so many distractions. So many things to keep me from Him. And yet I was able to rationalize some of my sin and reason it out...make excuses for why it wasn't so bad after all. Till something that started out to seem HUGE only seemed small. Like smoking, for instance. I knew it was wrong, because it was harmful to my body, and my body is a temple of God. But I rationalized it and said, well...these other things in my life are worse. I'm gonna target them first. And I rationalized that smoking RIGHT NOW wasn't hurting me. It would only hurt me if I smoked for an extended period of time. And I planned to quit--as soon as the other stuff was gone. Do you see how it works?
When the conviction of God sets in, you run with it. Obey. Don't play with the sin...not even a little bit. Because if you rationalize it, you are feeding it. And if you feed it, it will grow. And when it grows, it becomes more powerful than you ever thought it could be. And then you are so engaged in winning the battle over your sin that your relationship with God suffers. Badly.
Now to the part that I can't believe I'm saying out loud...but I'll say it in case anyone needs to hear it, and also so that I can know that other people have read it, and that will keep me accountable in a way.
NEVER be fooled into thinking that your battle with sin is over. I have been foolish and prideful. I thought I was above certain temptations. After all, I had grown in God and conquered certain desires before...so I thought I had them beat. Lustful thoughts, addictive nature, depression...you name it, I've said NO! Resist the devil and he will flee! So I resisted...and resisted, and he fled! Bud darned if he doesn't come back and try again.
And what's worse, even when satan isn't attacking me, my own desires MY SINFUL NATURE tries to come back from the grave I put it in. That's why we've gotta kill it daily.
I thought I was above my adiction. I quit smoking almost a year and a half ago. But for some reason recently, it came up and I actually felt the urge so strongly...I shouldn't have been surprised...it happend once before, but like I said, I thought I was above it now. WRONG.
I thought I was above immoral thoughts. But lonliness set in. And I don't know if I'm the only one, but I miss just holding hands...miss just being kissed on the cheek. Miss just having someone to hold me. Someone to talk to until 1am and them be mad at myself in the morning for staying up so late. And recently someone came around who didn't have a heart for God...someone who could see I was lonely...and he was lonely too. And it started completely one sided...him making eyes, and making silly comments, and finding reasons to get close...and one day I looked back. And that was a mistake. BIG mistake. Because just one look can cause a million thoughts. And a million thoughts can inspire invitation...And I didn't give in to ANY OF it. But it was the hardest no I have ever said in my entire life. It would have been much easier to just give in. Would've felt so good to just be held...just remember for one night what it was felt like to be kissed. It shouldn't have been so hard...but it was. I almost lost.
So you are taking a giant step, and I am SO PROUD of you for having the courage to do one of the most difficult things that you have probably ever done. God knows it is hard. But He also knows what is best for you...
We think we know what's best, but we don't. When those feelings of lonliness set in, just know that God will be there. And as an encouragement, know that you aren't alone!
I realized that a big sign of immaturity is thinking that I am above a certaing sin...we are all still human, and still supposed to crucify the flesh. So don't feel like you are abnormal when those temptations hit you. You're perfectly human. You just gotta rely on God. Stay humble and WEAK. Because in our weakness He is strongest.
Love ya!
[ 06-02-2001: Message edited by: foreverchanged ]
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